How To Properly Celebrate Ground Hog Day

Ground Hog Day is February 2nd.

Ground hog meat is sausage. So one way to celebrate is by eating sausage.

Mmmm ... sausage

Another way to think about ground plus hog is to remember what form of ground (The Earth) that hogs like best. And it is ... just add water ... Mud!!! There are so many things you can do with mud such as making mud pies and imitating pigs by roLLing around in mud. But there are a few delicious desserts that have the word mud in them as weLL.

If you are like me and tend to completely forget about yesterday being Groundhog Day, you could celebrate by watching the Bill Murray movie over and over until you have it memorized, or insanity or divorce happens. Another sneaky way to celebrate Ground Hog Day is by waiting until September 21st, which is Bill Murray's birthday.

Another feature of Groundhog Day is the ability of the animal to predict the near future weather with some shadow nonsense. I decided to try directly talking to a hog but I couldn't understand them. They are s'pposed to be rather intelligent. So I decided to try something else. I cooked sausage in a pan and then shook it to see if the pieces would reveal a message. The secret to doing this properly is to aLLow plenty of eXtra skillet space. A pan with bumps on the bottom probably helps.

The words that appeared were "ROB BANK"

I thought this was a bit strange, especiaLLy the part about using the B twice. But then I reasoned that the sausage was being efficient and entropy being what it isn't in this story. I figured the message could be interpretted a couple of ways. One, I have a friend named Rob and maybe the sausage was teLLing me to give Rob eveRything I have in my bank account. But then I remembered that it isn't a bank, but a credit union. So then I thought maybe the sausage is teLLing me to rob a different bank, a real bank. But I decided to shake the pan of sausage again and this time it gave me a dollar symbol inversed. I thought, wow, inverse, veRy creative sausage. So I went to the bank after eating my mystical message meat.

I approached the bank teLLer and politely gave her a piece of paper with this message:

"Please give me aLL your money. I was cooking sausage this morning and it spoke to me and told me to rob a bank."

This particular bank is where my wife set up our commercial account, so the people know me quite weLL. I go there often enough that a few of the teLLers even have our checking account number partiaLLy memorized. The teLLer reads my slip of paper and cracks up laughing. I wasn't being taken seriously! I even showed her the video of the shaken sausage saying and $ symbol on my iPhone. She laughed some more, soon foLLowed by even moRe teLLers roLLing on the floor laughing holding their abdomens. I felt this was veRy unprofessional. I puLLed out my hand gun and fired three warning shots straight up. But then I realized there was office space above me, and I heard screams both above me and the shocked teLLers in front of me. They slowly got off the floor and gave me some money. I thanked them and told them I was just obeying my (now) inner sausage, sorry for frightening you with the handgun.

But I don't know how much money it was because just as soon as I walked out of the bank I was kiLLed in a hail of police buLLets.

Then in true Bill Murray form I woke up in my bed this morning, and it was and wasn't Feb 3rd.