Category: Writing and Life
This piece is in two parts, a fictional then non-fictional section, in that order.
WWSD - What Would Steven Do?
A semi-prerequisite for reading the fictional part is to understand, and more importantly, enjoy the logic & wisdom of the comedian Steven Wright of Near Boston MA and to read it to yourself using his voice. It helps. I tried to base this piece around the principle of 'WWSWW' -'What Would Steven Wright Write'. I had originally planned to use WWSD but if you are from Western Watertown South Dakota, you might have been confused. I am not talking about you. Besides, I have never been to Western Watertown South Dakota and would hate to have them mad at me.
Begin Fiction
One day I noticed that the there was a tiny little strange man leaving my bedroom. I asked him who he was and he would not tell me his name. So he is still a stranger to me. I asked him what he was doing in my house. And he said that my wife was renting the bottom right drawer of her bedroom dresser to him and that is where he lives. I found this hard to believe, but then realized he was about the right size if you squeezed him in there just right. When I was looking for one of my "lost" Sony objects the other day I noticed that that drawer was empty and I remembered about how large it was. I asked him how much she was charging him to stay in her drawer. He said $20. At first I didn't believe him, but then he showed me that he had $77 and said, "Before I paid my rent I had $97 dollars". That seemed pretty solid evidence to me.
I tried several ways to get him to leave. I drilled a hole in the wall on the north side of the bedroom from the livingroom and then on into the bottom right dresser drawer. Then I purchased a new long round piece of wood to poke him to try to make him leave. But this didn't seem to bother him.
I guess we could use the money so I am going to leave him alone.
The End (of the Fictional Section)
When I went to pick up my wife later in the day (yesterday) I told her about this story that I wrote about her and the little man and the rent and the poking through the wall. She had a v(e)(a)ried bizarre look on her face but didn't object to me publishing the story. She is kind of used to my stories by now. I used the word 'v(e)(a)ried' instead of 'very' because there were 'varying' amounts of 'very' bizarre on her face as I told her my story. She wished that I would write a story about going out to P___ P___ (part of the former name of my former employer) and picketing against them for stealing our bonus and firing me. And take the dog with me for protection. She told me to make a big giant sign (like homeless people have) to ask all the people who got their bonus for the year 2008 to give us a little piece of theirs that belongs to us. Put on the sign that we are destitute, then she laughed. (Hah! we are pretty far from destitute) Of course I don't know for sure whether I am getting my bonus or not, it is my understanding that it was announced several days ago and is being sent to current employees and I have been told through the grape vine when it is supposed to arrive. BUT I was informed at the meeting when I got fired (on Jan 27th 2009) that in order to receive the bonus for the year 2008 that you had to be an employee on the day in 2009 that it was announced. (Now bear in mind that that does not make any sense to me.) The bonus for 2008 is based on the performance of the company, the employees and their work units toward safety, production and profits during the year 2008. AND I was an employee during that entire year. So we'll just have to wait and see. I told her I could calculate an approximate amount of money each remaining employee could send me knowing what my bonus should have been and then put that on my sign. And I could put up one of those gigantic posters of a thermometer like they use for United Way contributions to show how close they are getting to their goal. If you would like my address, to mail your contribution, I am pretty sure that the Human Resources department still has it. Thanks.
Or just send me the same amount that the little stranger in the drawer pays every month.
The End (of the Non-Fictional Section)
Reference to Steven Wright: Wikipedia Article
Update:
This piece is in two parts, a fictional then non-fictional section, in that order.
WWSD - What Would Steven Do?
A semi-prerequisite for reading the fictional part is to understand, and more importantly, enjoy the logic & wisdom of the comedian Steven Wright of Near Boston MA and to read it to yourself using his voice. It helps. I tried to base this piece around the principle of 'WWSWW' -'What Would Steven Wright Write'. I had originally planned to use WWSD but if you are from Western Watertown South Dakota, you might have been confused. I am not talking about you. Besides, I have never been to Western Watertown South Dakota and would hate to have them mad at me.
Begin Fiction
One day I noticed that the there was a tiny little strange man leaving my bedroom. I asked him who he was and he would not tell me his name. So he is still a stranger to me. I asked him what he was doing in my house. And he said that my wife was renting the bottom right drawer of her bedroom dresser to him and that is where he lives. I found this hard to believe, but then realized he was about the right size if you squeezed him in there just right. When I was looking for one of my "lost" Sony objects the other day I noticed that that drawer was empty and I remembered about how large it was. I asked him how much she was charging him to stay in her drawer. He said $20. At first I didn't believe him, but then he showed me that he had $77 and said, "Before I paid my rent I had $97 dollars". That seemed pretty solid evidence to me.
I tried several ways to get him to leave. I drilled a hole in the wall on the north side of the bedroom from the livingroom and then on into the bottom right dresser drawer. Then I purchased a new long round piece of wood to poke him to try to make him leave. But this didn't seem to bother him.
I guess we could use the money so I am going to leave him alone.
The End (of the Fictional Section)
When I went to pick up my wife later in the day (yesterday) I told her about this story that I wrote about her and the little man and the rent and the poking through the wall. She had a v(e)(a)ried bizarre look on her face but didn't object to me publishing the story. She is kind of used to my stories by now. I used the word 'v(e)(a)ried' instead of 'very' because there were 'varying' amounts of 'very' bizarre on her face as I told her my story. She wished that I would write a story about going out to P___ P___ (part of the former name of my former employer) and picketing against them for stealing our bonus and firing me. And take the dog with me for protection. She told me to make a big giant sign (like homeless people have) to ask all the people who got their bonus for the year 2008 to give us a little piece of theirs that belongs to us. Put on the sign that we are destitute, then she laughed. (Hah! we are pretty far from destitute) Of course I don't know for sure whether I am getting my bonus or not, it is my understanding that it was announced several days ago and is being sent to current employees and I have been told through the grape vine when it is supposed to arrive. BUT I was informed at the meeting when I got fired (on Jan 27th 2009) that in order to receive the bonus for the year 2008 that you had to be an employee on the day in 2009 that it was announced. (Now bear in mind that that does not make any sense to me.) The bonus for 2008 is based on the performance of the company, the employees and their work units toward safety, production and profits during the year 2008. AND I was an employee during that entire year. So we'll just have to wait and see. I told her I could calculate an approximate amount of money each remaining employee could send me knowing what my bonus should have been and then put that on my sign. And I could put up one of those gigantic posters of a thermometer like they use for United Way contributions to show how close they are getting to their goal. If you would like my address, to mail your contribution, I am pretty sure that the Human Resources department still has it. Thanks.
Or just send me the same amount that the little stranger in the drawer pays every month.
The End (of the Non-Fictional Section)
Reference to Steven Wright: Wikipedia Article
Update:
Contributions Received: $0.00
Number of Contributors: 0
Number of Potential Contributors who just want to silence me with their "gift out of the kindness of their hearts if I will just shut up and go away and quit bothering them forever because I have shown them their error and exposed the evil of their ways that they are dirty rotten scoundrels & thieves and it makes you wonder if their mothers knows what they REALLY do for a livin' and they think I might be foolish enough to accept their lousy stinkin' offer": 1 
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment