My First 100 MySpace Headlines

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Tiny Pictures From My Brain



Other Collections of 100:  101-200  201-300  301-400  401-500  501-600  601-700

A Recent Headline (From April 2011) :There is financial software called 'Quicken' to help you do your bookwork, but I think the Federal Government must have bought the wrong brand, perhaps they got "Slowin", "Thicken", "Chicken" and "Quacken", version 1.0

100: Coma Toes - a medical condition I just renamed whereby your foot falls asleep, mainly at the region where the 'These Little Piggies' are.

99: Several days ago I learned that when a fly lands on your computer screen, the moving of the mouse pointer underneath him seems to have no effect. This is because he is watching your keyboard trying to steal your password. Is this how bugs get in software?

98: Ernest is going to make everyone so much happier by NOT writing in the font called 'Captcha' ever. Actually I never started but don't tell anyone that. Its our secret.

97: I was sad this morning. We went outside to play and there were no orangutans in the trees of my backyard! But then after a couple hours I remembered I live in Borger TX USA, affectionately known as the:
'Bellybutton of North America'
... and now I am less sad ;)

96: Today I learned that when a fly lands on your computer screen, the moving of the mouse pointer underneath him seems to have no effect. So he is probably not reading your screen trying to steal your password unless you use a very small font.

95: Ernest is writing, singing acapella and playing virtual guitar, all in the style of Willie Nelson with Elmer Fudd's voice, "Sometwimes Duh Woman Dwinks All Duh Viskey"

94: Ernest is writing and singing acapella an.....d playing virtual guitar, all in the style of Willie Nelson this evening, "Sometimes Your Woman Drinks All Your Coffee"

93: Ernest is.

92: Ernest invented a new word today to combine 'meticulous' carried to the level of 'ridiculous': meritdiculous

91: Ernest is playing w his 11 new Mitsubishi Uni-ball Signo Bit UM-201 Gel Pens - 0.18 mm - in lotza COLORS!!!!

90: Writing minutely on Minute Rice takes more than a minute when done right

89: Eeek eeek eeek! (The Eeek shall inherit the earth, at least the efficiency apartment complexes of a certain north west Texas town named Dumas)

88: Ernest loves his 7 new Mitsubishi Uni-ball Signo DX UM-151 Gel Pens - 0.28 mm - in lotza COLORS!!!!

87: Ernest is puzzled as to why someone would name something 'Long Island Iced Tea' and yet include no tea in the recipe and rarely include any dirt from the island itself

86: I'm sorry sir, our Bose[R] 'QuietComfort 3' Acoustic Noise Canceling headphones were not designed to quiet the other voices in your own head

85: Ernest is creating StFR, an organization for preserving the smallest, quietest, most timid, miniature lions: "Save the Faint Roarest"

84: I just bought a piece of luggage that has its own built-in raincoat - now, just how cool is that?

83: Ernest is battling residual sulfur compounds from a battle of chemical warfare between a Canis lupis familiaris and a foulsome fighting Mephitis mephitis (Dog v Skunk)

82: If you don't bother to search for truth in your life, you may as well be entertained by the conflicting lies that swirl about you.

81:The most violent thing about me is my sneeze. Its a good thing I have Benny Drill.

80: Ernest is pretty sure that he rarely accidentally sends fuses for thermonuclear devices to the wrong China (note to George Bush: it was the right one on the map)

79: If your Question of the Day is 'How can somebody possibly be that stupid?', then your Answer of the Day is 'Practice'.

78: Ernest is pretty sure that the people who want me to get in touch with my inner child really just want to know who broke that lamp in the living room 37 years ago.

77: Ancient Organic Chemist's Proverb: People who live in Styrofoam houses shouldn't drink Gasoline.

76. I really enjoy writing fiction but my real life sometimes presents such bizarre and funny episodes that its really just a matter of capturing the moment and momentum of the word heard herd.

75. I came to the realization that 'peanut butter' was invented a very long time ago by someone who just chewed on something way too long. Who knows how many "butter" await us in the future, so chew and churn.

74. There is an old cowboy saying, "If you don't beat your wife every once in awhile, you'll just take it out on your horse. And you wouldn't want to ruin a good horse". I think I'll stick to trying to beat my wife at poker.

73: This reminds me of the time cheese invaded Lithuania and liberated all the women and they danced in the streets and got the right to vote.

72. If you come to one of those "Give a man a fish or Teach him to fish" decision moments, remember there is also the "Buy him a lifetime supply of Long John Silver's coupons" option.

71. Ernest is headed towards Amsterdam. No, I'm not going TO Amsterdam, I am just going in that direction the next time I go to mom's place.

70: This is probably the 7th most important question in the universe: How much toe could a towtruck truck, if a towtruck could truck toe?

69: If you have any wise old sayings that have been handed down from previous generations that involve "pond scum" as the central sagacious character, you might be a redneck.

68: If you overlay a 'plus sign' and a 'heart' with the 'plus sign' off to the left and up a little, it makes kind of a 'Texas' shape. Happy Valentine's Day.

67: After the demolition crew blew up the old candy factory, the factory workers stood around in a pessimistic mood as the mist of PEZ candy peppered the ground.

66: The acid rain in Madrid Spain falls mainly placidly on the window panes.

65: Wanted: Actively seeking corporate sponsors for my jump into the professional circuit of Freecell competition. I just need a few more and I'm set for life, baby.

64: I had a dream that MySpace was going to remove all the periods and commas from all our messages today then put them back tomorrow. I need a better dream writer.

63: "The mother of the younger other odder otter is the daughter of an even odder older uddered otter", uttered all the raccoons and baboons from their view in the zoo.

62: I suddenly started believing in reincarnation simply because I think I know where the "former" Joseph Stalin is hiding right now. Ha ha to all my suddenly worried Baptist friends out there, just teasing, its Friday, I'm silly.

61: If at any point in your short miserable life 'Jello' has been an acceptable reward for anything, please call me and I'll set you free for a small fee so you can flee and something different be.

60: My secret for a proper weight loss program: Plenty of exercise with the puppy in the great outdoors with proper UV radiation protection for both of us. Ah, feel the burn. Hardened muscles. Two smiles. Special Olympics, maybe?

59: Kenya - My deepest sorrow in a long time is that one of my favorite parts of Africa is filled with senseless killing and bloodshed.

58: Life is just that dark, empty, meaningless, lifeless void that exists while waiting for the next episode of NCIS

57: Remember: arrows rarely kill people, but the sharp pointy part of the arrowheads do.

56: Today's Dog Thought: That orchid plant must be REALLY bad. I only get sprayed with that water bottle when I do bad things, but he gets it every day.

55: If you are the kind of person who worries about the stock market, then you are probably the wrong kind of person to be involved with it.

54: I have a private story that I can't tell you, but I can tell you that it inspired me to come up with this bumper sticker:'Honk if you love Jesus so much you would be willing to steal for him'

53: One of my siblings would only eat one fourth of their M&M's. They would give me all their reject 3&3's, E&E's, and W&W's, AND so now I'm the one with the weight problem

52: There were probably several times in history when certain people may have pondered "Why did I go with the Option A of '12 MEN' disciples when I could have had Option B, '3 WOMEN and one really smart dog'???"

51: Sometimes people are so busy smack-dab in the middle of preparing their case that they fail to recognize that they do not even have one

50 What I hope to perpetuate in summation at the end of my days is my laughter & kindness through my heirs rather than the kind of petulant loftiness of some of my ways and errors.

49 My dog is audibly dyslexic: I keeping tell him 'no' when he wants to sit 'on' my lap. At 70 lbs he is no longer an on-your-lap dog. Of course, as with most people, places, pooches and things of life, he prefers 'on' to 'no' in most situations.

48 Every time a writer dies, an angel gets a novel

47 Ultimately there is no such thing as free speech. It always costs someone something, sometimes everything, very dearly.

46 All the truly bad events of life involve some form of plumbing malfunction.

45 I have created my own non-profit organization 'United Weigh' - dedicated to helping overweight conjoined twins

44 All the truly marvelous ways of life have an element of dance to them.

43 It was trying to talk Australian but I have never studied that language so it just sounded like a strange egg laying web footed space alien minus one arm - My most recent cell phone text message

42 The sun is scheduled to burn out in a few billion years so we should be practicing to stay warm by other means such as friction

41 Every year I psychically transmit a message of "Ernest will bring me presents this year instead of Santa Claus" to all the children of the world and this is how I achieve a goal of disappointing 750 million people all on the same day

40 I have written a guide for helping people make it through the winter time blues "Driving on Black Ice, Avoid Yellow Snow, and Learn All the Words to 'White Christmas' "

39 I have written the definitive 'Guide to Cooking Bacon at an Extremely Slow Yet Accelerated Manner' due for an early Spring 2008 release. Beat the crowd and Pre-Order your copy today.

38 I have lived enough long to come to the grand conclusion that men and women are not equal and should not be treated with equality ....Women are vastly superior and must be treated as the master race.

37 I am suffering from a form of auto-self-cannibalism, I keep biting my tongue at around 3 AM and no dreams are involved, and I'm really not that hungry.

36 How is this different from that? Easy: one has Is and one has At

35 You know you have reached the sweet spot in life when you suddenly realize that you really aren't sure what day of the week it is and you really don't care and most of the time it doesn't really matter. Really? Really.

34 If you start off early using a shovel for a puppet, a dog will always be leery of it and bark & dance like a boxer. Just give the shovel a wiggle & a low, mean growl to reciprocate.

33 Currently suffering from bad peach syndrome at $1.99 a pound. That's not a disease from fruit, its a form of PDPD - produce department performance disappointment.

32 I have a banker friend in foreclosures who built his whole career on a typo. 'Carpe Dime' – seize the money

31 Cooper and I know how to split a chocolate chip cookie - I get the chochips, he gets the cookie

30 My wish for the world: To never see the sequence of the 9 letters 'O.J. Simpson' in a national news headline again till the end of time. We don't care. There are more important things and people and places. Those letters are completely wore out.

29 Note to Fox TV: Forget Hi Def, it would have been nice tonight to have had even Low Def instead of your Glow Def

28 If you thought you saw me littering by throwing something over my backyard fence today, it was just a dead tarantula. Something new for the "Killing" section of Cooper's resume.

27 My main problem in life is not spending enough time listening to music. What? I can't hear you .... headphones

26 You know life is a bit interesting when you think its Tuesday, and then you convince yourself that you were wrong and it must be Thursday only to find out that its really Friday.

25. I will be gone for a season, but still be at my house a little less tanner, as I sit still and watch the entire 3rd season of 'House' on disc in marathon manner

24. I came, I saw, I concurred

23. A garden hose is a relatively inexpensive thing to play with, and hooking it up to a faucet and getting one of those spray guns and passing water through it makes it even better, all for a few more kilo pennies.

22.News Flash: A movie star just spontaneously exploded, she became a movie supernova, her name was Ellen Burstyn

21. Identity theft? I can't imagine someone wanting to be me, much less pretend to be me. It would take too much effort on their part to get my accent down just right.

20. Every time someone walks up to me and asks, "How does it feel to be a famous movie star?", I just have to look them in the eye and truthfully reply, "I just don't know" and walk away quietly and stop signing the autographs of other people.

19. What would happen if a dyslectic person wrote on a mirror with a magic marker and then looked at the results through another mirror and tried to read it? It would be the incantation that makes the universe just implode and cease to exist.

18. You must be something, as my dog finds you more interesting than a bowl of milk

17. Some days shaving at my house is like a combination of watching the national championship rounds of the Australian sheep shearing contest in slow motion and the deforestation of the Brazilian rain forest, everything is misty,moist, and fur is flying.

16. I looked like an elk that had been beaten with a bat and had headlights shining in my eyes - quote from someone after 'WINNING' a restaurant eating contest that involved very hot spicy oily food, no utensils and a timer

15. Nothing in life is quite like a surprise that involves pork

14. 'Hairy Potter' is not the right book; that one is about a rather furry marijuana grower

13. 'Got Buffy?' - Let me interpret that for you: My wife asked me if I had any buffalo thawed out so she could make me some lasagna tomorrow.

12. The answer to your most important question of the day is: "Yes" > I got buffalo lasagna tonight

11. I don't understand why you don't understand me

10. Remember, even idiots don't like to be reminded that they're idiots

9. Don't shake the baby, don't shake the baby!!!!

8. Let the tomato sandwich eating season begin ... now

7. Let the tomato sandwich eating contest begin ... now

6. It's Friday, so that means it's Pie-Day, Mmmm... pie.

5. Maybe, just maybe, the headband on your cap is a little TOO tight

4. Whoa! My garden is doing so good this year I've got tomatoes growing on all different kinds of plants

3. Money doesn't grow on treeeeeees; it takes a cotton plant. Oh, and some flax.

2. 'One if by land, and two if by sea' - that just means that its going to cost twice as much to take a Caribbean Cruise, Sweetie

1. Teach a man to fish, and he'll just be competition at the next fishing tournament