Ernest - The Other White Meat

I have decided to change my life completely and spend all my time devoted to one thing, just a single solitary thing - making travel safer for people who look like me when journeying through the wilds of Papau-New Guinea. I have been told that the place is just chock full of cannibals. But don't worry about me, as always, I have a plan, and I am going to take care of this terrible problem.

Plan: I am going to take a huge dose of poison with me, and if Iam captured by head hunting cannibals, and they are fixing to "HAVE" me over for dinner, as in over a bed of coals, Rotisserie-Ernie with BBQ sauce, I will consume the secret stash of poison, then when they consume me, I will wipe out several cannibals. Then the word will spread far and wide to avoid eating anyone who looks like me. So slightly overweight, white NorthAmerican males with brown hair and glasses will be safe, and other white people will have an increased amount of safety.

(Of course, that might mean an increased risk to NELPs (Non-Ernest-Looking People), so that might lead to a sudden increase in the demand for plastic surgery for people traveling to P-NG to look more Ernestesque. Doctors, get ready for an increased work load, thanks to me. You're welcome. For a slight fee, $4000, I can provide you with photos of what I have looked like at various stages of my life, including that time I dressed up in drag for that "beauty contest" where the girls played football in high school and three of us guys - well, lets just say I won the contest and keep it at that. Special thanks to a dear friend named Palma who applied my makeup and provided the clothes, turning me into a winner!)