My Second Collection of 100 Headlines
from
MySpace, Facebook and Twitter
200: The next time you are in the market for rhinoplasty, remember this piece of add-vice: You can pick your nose, and you can pick your girlfriend's nose, but if you happen to have a gorilla for a friend, you can't pick your gorilla friend's nose.
199: It appears that Facebook can't handle the word 'Facebook' in it's spell checker for messages
198: I know that Islamic Iranians don't believe in reincarnation, but it appears to me that the whole of the East Bloc communism, secret police, etc, ran downhill and resurfaced in Iran.... RomANIa .. RomAN..I.a.RomAN .... I...r..a.n
197:I am preparing for the coming nuclear holo-caustic end-of-times by backing up everything on the Internet to my hard drive in order to rebuild human civilization. Don't worry, I'm making a paper copy as well. 3 hole punch'd. In binders. Alphabetized. No porn.
196: My bio for the twitter profile display starts off with : 'Bio chemist ..." - its a good thing I didn't put down 'logist' as the first word, because I am certainly not a bio logist, much less a bio chemist. Just a scientific gardener. Mmm, tomatoes ....
195: Its seems that my world is getting wetter. And there are more frogs appearing. And supposedly there is global warming. So combined together - wetter, frogger, warmer - Global Warting !!!
194: I took one look at my wife's new wicked looking electronic facial equipment and said, “Wow, with this stuff I could get a job at Guantanamo Bay. 'Vee haf ways uf making you talk, bud virst vee vill make you scream vile vee laugh'
193: Ernest is watching a bird and squirrel fight for a spot on a phone line. Bird won, Squirrel zero.
192: I have reached the outer space limits. Of my wireless optical mouse. With rechargeable batteries. So I rearranged the furniture in my living room to compensate for the lower voltage rodent.
191: So it seems twitter has reduced the 'sound byte' to a 'sound bit'. Let me know when someone comes out w 'TwYTE-r' so I can have a longer msg
190: How do I handle pork at the Federal Gov't level? I have a separate special Spam folder dedicated just for the e-mail messages from my congressman.
189: Okay. I did it. I gave fair warning to the frog on my back door step. I told him it wasn't a good place to sit. I already stepped on him once this evening - yes, I felt horrible about it. And Cooper's training of "Mr Froggie Is Our Friend" only seems to work while I am within eyesight.
188: DPRK is so close to DORK and DARK
187: I thought that Iran's Prez Ahmadinejad wore a 'Member's Only' jacket until I saw NoKo Prez Kim Jong Ill wear one too, so it must be a 'Dictator's Only' model
186: Ghandi: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" Ernest: ".. and puts all the optometrists out of business, leading to a world ruled by a master race of German Shepherd Dogs"
185: I got my new handle for FaBo: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvuuxyz (I like my Double U)
184: Today's Life Lesson: Its a good thing carpet comes in a lemonade color.
183: I checked my earnings from Google advertisements from writing on the Internet. So far I am up to 13 cents. At this rate I will be a millionaire in about 44 years if I can get it to double every 23 months.
182: The irony of war: Most wars are fought about dirt & people. They die & get put in dirt, consuming more dirt & having less people. Lose-Lose
181: "Yes, Cooper, I realize I should be outside enjoying the coolest part of the day instead of working on this complex Excel function"
180: () If you think o herding cats O is diFFicult, you % should try teNNis baLLs ..0oO@8..
179: Does your wife know 'Hindi'? No, her do know 'Urdu'. Well, a few of words anyway. Like 'Happy' and 'Christmas' and 'Hello'. 'Hello' is 'Helo' and 'Christmas' is 'krismas' and 'Happy' sounds like the last name of the President of Egypt, so that will make it easy to remember. Everything else is harder than that.
178: PPOOP - A new acronym I created about an hour ago just as I woke up: Political Prisoner Of Office Politics
177: The ads popping up on my web browser are starting to get more personal with a change from "Get A Car Loan Even With Bad Credit" to "Get A Car Loan Even With YOUR Bad Credit"
176: A friend of one of my friends in Facebook mentioned that he likes having a 'Like' button but it would be nice to have an 'Unlike' button as well. But because it was a friend of a friend, I did not even have the option of registering a 'Like' for his 'Unlike' idea and I did not like this non-feature. Facebook - The UnLike Unable Place
175: Interesting: I started a fresh note in Facebook yesterday about how the government of Iran was blocking Facebook right before the national election. I left it in the system as a rough draft. Now I can't find it. Hmmm....
174: I wonder how many times I will have to tell MySpace NO to their stupid pop-up screen for the same &@^^')) irritating question over and over and ....
173: Don't mistake my kindness and patience as a sign of weakness. You won't enjoy the consequences.
172: I wanted to send you a card the other day, but they were out of the 'Please come home from the Army before some psychopath kills you' bin at the Hallmark store
171: My early morning not so dark sky has gone from a few noctilucent clouds with moonshine scattered across full force on my turf to cloud cover translucence on edges of a rolling roiling not really boiling lunar glow as everything near ground level that could be closely considered white responds echoishly with its w-light from the hardened dirt path resembles Milky Way to the dog treat pile scattered pieces The Pleiades
170: Ernest wonders just how much longer it will be before China tells N-Korea, "Would you just SHUT up! You are embarrassing the neighbors. Do you want to be 'Tibet-ized' ?"
169: Yea! I saw "My First Tomato of The Year" when I went to turn the lights off in the kitchen. It is almost time to move most of the moist tomato garden in buckets from by the back glass door to the glorious more solar outdoors. Solanum lycopersicum. Spring. May. Here we come!
168: Today was "Take Your Fake Sister To Work Day" so I had a great time with two of them.
167: I just noticed that actor Mel Gibson and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look very much alike, or maybe I just need new glasses. One of those guys keeps appearing in a scary ad in Facebook
(It was Mel G. in a beard)
166: T-"It is only 9:47 and it feels more like midnight" E-"Yeah, it feels more like 9:53 to me" T-"But you slept all day" E-"Honey, that's only 6 minutes difference" T-"Oh"
165: Children need to learn the subtle differences and the dire consequences of when their parents say "no", "No", "NO", and "NO!!!!!". And, "NO!!!!!", those were not 'happy' exclamation marks just then.
164: Ernest is wondering which is more difficult: To disagree on how we agreed to disagree in the past, or to agree to not disagree on how we are to agree in the future?
163: I just heard yelling and screaming outside my house. I looked out the front window to see "children" playing in the street. One "child" was sitting in the wheelchair and the other "child" was standing on the back part as it came down the hill. My dog was not amused.
162: There are just only so many things worth thinking about, and if you tried to think about all of them AND you wanted to know the exact number of things out there that were truly worth thinking about, well, then you would be thinking about one thing too many.
161: All Interrogators of the Justice Department (I-Men) know in the summer time to offer just mint flavored ice as a favorite favor treat meant for bribing the soon to be deported Sunni men in their snow cones instead of using terror or some times, alligators during interviews.
160: Just thinking about building an igloo soon . . . . . . . only I have no igloo glue or own nails made of hailstone.
159: Do you know what it feels like to be totally crushed beyond belief, relief, grief, and at the mercy of some shameless nameless faceless thief? Well, that isn't me at the moment. But the morning is young.
158: I was wondering this: If Meryl Streep had peeps, and those peeps had peeps who didn't know Meryl and Meryl didn't know them, would they be known as non-non-peeps of peeps of Meryl Streep? And if you alphabetized and ranked your peeps and had 12 of them, would the last one be known as peep L? If so, Judas was Jesus' peep L.
157:I was watch-ing a kind-of screen saver at MySpace when suddenly the real screen saver on my computer starts running, only it was just slightly different, as that picture show has almost the same ones in a slightly different order. But my pet owl kept saying "Who?" and I would have to explain things over and over and ov..
156: I am a man soon to get salmon !!!
155: The headline today was 'Obama Wants High Paying High Skill Jobs in the Future (AP)' - and I am thinking to my-unemployed-self: Doesn't he already have a pretty high paying complicated job as President of the US of A?
154: Now it seems to me that the process of parenting was a big giant waste of my time & $$$, especially now that the U S Fed Govt has got involved trying to undo it
153: I wished we were a wee bit Irish, are we?
152: If you think that it is interesting/strange/bizarre that I work on a dozen languages and several writings systems, just think what my dog has to put up with from me.
151: Ernest has just discovered the interestingly shaped typos of the word 'suddenly': suppenly, subbenly, and suqqenly.
150: I have been training my wife on some Eskimo skills (such as cleaning food off a sharp knife with just your tongue) just in case we have to relocate to the Arctic for employment. She is a slow learner and refuses to try this 'dishwashing' technique.
149: Ernest is just experiencing a typical day of being invisible, saving private chicken (plural), and finding a big shiny pretty $4000 rock (on sale!!!)
148: I think that most of the people around me live in such a tiny world (or the crazy ones - a luna) that they have no idea or can even begin to comprehend, my Jupiter existence
147: Sometimes in the course of human events, some humans get off-course and become coarse and then untimely and inhumanely vent and curse. It's like they switched courses in midstream.
146: Ernest is just sitting back watching good vs evil play out before his eyes knowing that evil people eventually dry up and blow away and to just have patience
145:Ernest is writing a poem about the purchase mixup of a 'Bullet Proof Vest' & a 'Pullet Proof Nest', a device he just invented to get young chickens to leave home.
144: Ernest is in a state of shock. A terrible thing has happened in his life: I needed to know the cube root of 2 just now and suddenly realized I didn't know it. I just felt so cold inside, so numb; numb~b~r~r
143: Ernest is free !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!:
142: Ernest noticed that it doesn't take a village to raise an idiot, but they keep appearing. Where do village idiots come from?
141: Ernest just created a new word. "legally" it is pronounced 'leg' 'all' 'eeee' - it means when everyone has their legs pointed in the same direction.
140: It takes considerable talent to turn a win-win situation into a sin-sin situation. (Note to math people: that was not trigonometry just then)
139: Ernest is shutting down for a very long time. Goodbye.
138: Ernest is a dog massage-by-feet therapist in training. Yes, thats 'feet' not 'foot'.
137: I was thinking about getting an iPhone, its pretty cool, but it sounds too egotistical, "I, I","me, me, me". Just remember, 'iPhone' backwards is 'enohPi', and when you Google that, you STILL get iPhone! Amazing................
136: I was going to change my MySpace headline to something really special but now I forgot what it was going to be so I typed THIS instead.
135: Ernest has learned how to make a survival tent out of his shirt. Was chilly. Now warm except where a wig would be if I wore one. So it is a non-wig-wa(r)m wigwam.
134: Ernest is saddened deeply by the tragic events of one selfish person in Covina CA destroying the lives of so many.
133: There have been extremely brief periods in my life when the only thing I think about are little tiny dots. (Oops! I did it again!)
132: You can tell he is a true computer geek: all his shirts are red, green, and blue.
131: I have learned that my wife really doesn't like some of my relatives, especially my father-in-law (YES, as always, I did get her permission to post this.)
130: Ernest is under at&tack from AT&T who are good at tacking on AT&Taching charges at&t an ear-ritating alarming hyperinflationary irrational rate; I irate > they pirate.
129: Ernest met a perplexed fan of his writings. The man asked, "Have you ever done CRACK?!?!?" - Ernest took it as a sign that his works were inspiring and motivational.
128: eXtreme: Your neighbor likes his old weathered fence### so much he carefully removes the dilapidated boards, Ab-Lincoln-esquely rail splits them[], laminates them back together with carbon fibre and coats them with a transparent fire-proofing.[|]
127: Ernest thinks that it is bad enough that airlines, his plumber and his mother overbook, but now he finds out his psychiatrist does two; oops sorry, too.
126: So, I have had this 'mood' thing all wrong at MySpace - I thought you were supposed to be setting it to how you WANTED to feel and it was like a thermostat for the HVAC system of my inner being. I should stop bothering my local Maytag repairman.
125: Ernest is maybe a little bit better. I did write lotza silly things earlier today; coming soon to a non-theatre near you (MyPlace at MySpace)
124: If you have to keep repeatedly telling yourself "I'm not suicidal", then maybe you're wrong.
123: Ernest is better.
122: How many people out there are in favor of changing the name of this holiday from 'Thanksgiving' to 'Thankstaking'?
121: Ernest just wants to say SHAME ON THE US ARMY RECRUITERS FOR PREYING ON PEOPLE IN DESPAIR AND VIOLATING THE SPIRIT OF THEIR OWN DAMN TV COMMERCIALS (paid w our taxes)
120: I do not want my son in Iraq; I do not want any American sons or daughters to have to be in Iraq; If it was up to me, Iraqis wouldn't even have to live there.
119: Ernest is recovering from the effects of too much Hall's Mental Lift-us, taken too often, & too re-scent-ly
118: Is this you: You are in a paradox with a pair of Docs about what appears to be meant in a pair of documents about a pair of drugs you are starting and ending issue?
122: How many people out there are in favor of changing the name of this holiday from 'Thanksgiving' to 'Thankstaking'?
121: Ernest just wants to say SHAME ON THE US ARMY RECRUITERS FOR PREYING ON PEOPLE IN DESPAIR AND VIOLATING THE SPIRIT OF THEIR OWN DAMN TV COMMERCIALS (paid w our taxes)
120: I do not want my son in Iraq; I do not want any American sons or daughters to have to be in Iraq; If it was up to me, Iraqis wouldn't even have to live there.
119: Ernest is recovering from the effects of too much Hall's Mental Lift-us, taken too often, & too re-scent-ly
118: Is this you: You are in a paradox with a pair of Docs about what appears to be meant in a pair of documents about a pair of drugs you are starting and ending issue?
117: I have just created a new pollen index for allergy sufferers: I count the number of times my dog sneezes in the morning during his waking up period. Today: 3
116: Ernest noticed that you can't spell 'Palin' without some 'pain' and you can't spell 'McCain' by using 'gain'. Yes pain, no gain.
115: The world is really flat! (In several large and small man-made places. If you make a flat place large enough, would rain collect in the middle because the earth will think it is a low spot?)
114: I spy with my little right eye a sty in my swollen left eye and wonder why and how it hasn't left by now.
113: Soon I will be the wealthiest person on the planet. My grand inventive scheme is to create a nano-technological system that puts the lint from my dryer back into the original places it came out of my garments.
112: Ernest just noticed on a product ingredient list : 'sin perfume' and wonders what on earth that could be! (more importantly, why it needs to be on/in his toilet paper)
111: Ernest is in the process of writing a new goofy song "Migraines", to the tune of "My Girl", sung by Kermit the Frog, inspired by the rain outside and the pain inside.
110: For all the problems and tense moments that North and South Korea have experienced, it is surprising that West and East Korea are never in the news. Let us all learn an important lesson in life from them, The Happy & Silent West & East Koreans.
109: Ernest just wrote a neat near mirror sentence: "Do not forget to get four donuts"
108: Whats the largest thing in outerspace? I think its all the 'nothing' part all hooked together.
107: Ernest has a wife who wonders when his singing as Elmer Fudd will finally end. His latest hit song is "You Waise Me Up (So I Can Hunt Duh Wabbits)"
106: Don't bother me right this moment, I'm busy playing Paw-Ball & Peek-A-BOO!!! with you know who (the doggie if you didn't) Is it Saturday? No, its DOGGER-DAY!
105: Ernest wonders if the pural of 'manatee' is 'menatee' which causes a more dangerous thought: Do 'womenatee' exist? Ah, mermaids!
104: Ernest thinks that amid the national massive monetary meltdown that being independently wealthy might be a good thing, but I'll stick to being independently healthy.
103: So I am all excited about my new cell phone and its features, but Cooper The Dog just sees a bright screen and thinks, "that makes a dandy flashlight" but other than that he thinks its just eating into our quality time. Outside? Now? Play? Ball? Ernie?
102: I have created new lyrics for an old melody: "Happy Autumnal Equinox Day To You", only my version has 8 part harmony and a string section.
101: Ernest realized early this morning in the darkness that out of all the 'dipity' words, 'serendipity' just happens to be his favorite.
116: Ernest noticed that you can't spell 'Palin' without some 'pain' and you can't spell 'McCain' by using 'gain'. Yes pain, no gain.
115: The world is really flat! (In several large and small man-made places. If you make a flat place large enough, would rain collect in the middle because the earth will think it is a low spot?)
114: I spy with my little right eye a sty in my swollen left eye and wonder why and how it hasn't left by now.
113: Soon I will be the wealthiest person on the planet. My grand inventive scheme is to create a nano-technological system that puts the lint from my dryer back into the original places it came out of my garments.
112: Ernest just noticed on a product ingredient list : 'sin perfume' and wonders what on earth that could be! (more importantly, why it needs to be on/in his toilet paper)
111: Ernest is in the process of writing a new goofy song "Migraines", to the tune of "My Girl", sung by Kermit the Frog, inspired by the rain outside and the pain inside.
110: For all the problems and tense moments that North and South Korea have experienced, it is surprising that West and East Korea are never in the news. Let us all learn an important lesson in life from them, The Happy & Silent West & East Koreans.
109: Ernest just wrote a neat near mirror sentence: "Do not forget to get four donuts"
108: Whats the largest thing in outerspace? I think its all the 'nothing' part all hooked together.
107: Ernest has a wife who wonders when his singing as Elmer Fudd will finally end. His latest hit song is "You Waise Me Up (So I Can Hunt Duh Wabbits)"
106: Don't bother me right this moment, I'm busy playing Paw-Ball & Peek-A-BOO!!! with you know who (the doggie if you didn't) Is it Saturday? No, its DOGGER-DAY!
105: Ernest wonders if the pural of 'manatee' is 'menatee' which causes a more dangerous thought: Do 'womenatee' exist? Ah, mermaids!
104: Ernest thinks that amid the national massive monetary meltdown that being independently wealthy might be a good thing, but I'll stick to being independently healthy.
103: So I am all excited about my new cell phone and its features, but Cooper The Dog just sees a bright screen and thinks, "that makes a dandy flashlight" but other than that he thinks its just eating into our quality time. Outside? Now? Play? Ball? Ernie?
102: I have created new lyrics for an old melody: "Happy Autumnal Equinox Day To You", only my version has 8 part harmony and a string section.
101: Ernest realized early this morning in the darkness that out of all the 'dipity' words, 'serendipity' just happens to be his favorite.
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