If Danger Was My Middle Name, It Would Eventually Split into Dan & Ger

I realized I have been living rather dangerously lately. I have been wandering the house too often without my eyeglasses with corrective lenses. I prefer to read without them. And I have a dog, Cooper, who leaves small sometimes sharp objects everywhere, dangerous for my feet. At his altitude he has no problem seeing The Tiny Sharpies.

My wife has invaded my kitchen and began cooking heavily and is on a strange mission (for her) of finding new recipes. She has also performed most of the groc shopping in the last four weeks or so since the invasion became noticeable (to me).

She has also put Cooper on a diet, saying there is going to be a reduction of cheese in his diet. I am thinking, hmmm, that's what he lives for: Cheese

He could be the mascot for the state of Wisconsin

I told her that I had already been feeding him slightly less. Plus he will be outside more that it is Spring, and chase yard invaders, those arrogant cats, squirrels, and birds who don't know their place in the semi wild kingdom of Cooper D. D. Boston. Yes, my dog has two middle names, and believe it or not, I did not give them to him, the wifey did a long time ago.

The wife had mentioned one day maybe three years ago how our two grown children were jealous that Cooper commanded so much of my attention now that I was in a semi-retired state. She noticed that I was playing with my (then new) Mitsubishi gel pens, practicing writing every ones full name. So she gave Cooper each of their "D" middle names, saying, "Hah! That should [irritate] them reaLLy good!"

Back to the present ... I did have my set of spices in alphabetical order along the left side of the stove, in proper ergonomic position, but now she has flooded the narrow shelf with three times as many spices. Here is my previous blog post: CDO for Spaces & Spices

I know! Who could have seen this coming! Certainly not me.

But I have devised a sneaky plan to at least gain some order to my spice world without having to deal with this flood of refugee flavorings. I have decided to reposition my original subset of spices back into their own region, and then leave the random horde quietly milling around.

Except salt.

Salt? Why salt?

The Salt Wars

For the last two months or so The Wifey has absconded with every salt shaker in the house, all of them eventuaLLy making a pilgrimage, and then held hostage at The Lampstand of The Wife. Yes, and they are always tens steps away when I need it for cooking. I know! I know! Such inconsideration.

The Secret Salt Hideout

I finaLLy realized that MY salt shaker would just need to be hidden, so I chose the cabinet directly above the stove that my wife never uses. I didn't know why, but then I just now noticed that the depth of the stove makes the reach to use the cabinets, which are 12 inches higher than the other kitchen cabinets with handles another six inches higher than the other cabinet doors, and there I think I found my answer in her shortitude. So far MY secret Masada of salt shakers has never gone roamin'. And it is so ergonomicaLLy at just the right sweet spot, which means, "I can find it within one second of time!"

Well, I am going to try to get better about my eyeglasses. Not so much wearing them, but at least keeping track of them. I may start keeping them high in The Secret Salt Sanctuary.

Closing Thought: I just realized that I am on my iPad probably at least an average of FIVE hours per day! So that means during a time period of nearly eighteen months, that is a big number! So looking at an hourly cost, that is probably around 25 cents per hour for the hardware. Even if my guesstimate is off by some huge degree, it is still far less than a dollar per hour. And it ...might... just be the other direction of more hours per day than five, so even cheaper per hour. Apple incorporated is cyborging me.

I leave you with today's incredibly dumb joke, another Apple one. Notice that it has no discernable punchline. If you imagine a psychiatrist asking a patient this question, then I have given you a virtual single frame cartoon.

Question: When you look at iClouds, what anImal shapes do you see?

Won Thirty One

My wife up woke.

Oops, I mean, my wife woke up and walked down the hall.

Its a very short hallway.

I did not wake up because I have not been asleep.

I mean, I have not been to sleep in many many hours, not many many years.

She asked me, "Whattimeisit?"

I said, "Its 1:30" Hint: AM

She asks me, "Didyousay1:30?"

I say, "Yes, thats what I said"

She asks me, "Isitreally1:30?"

I say, "Well, it was but now its 1:31" Hint: Its still AM, we don't talk and wait to respond THAT long for it to possibly be PM.

She says, "Ha, ha"

ReaLLy, that is eXactly what she said, she didn't reaLLy laugh, even though I am pretending that she found it to be riotously hilarious, but she chose to supprreess her true feelings and simply gave me a smart-aleck response of ha then ha with a distinct staccato presentation. At this very second I am totaLLy confused on how to spell suppress, so I just put in a few eXtra letters. Just ignore the ones you don't need.


Here is a better story (?)

We are driving near a bank on Saturday.

No, "we" aren't driving, sorry, my son was in complete control of the automobile. I was just a passenger.

I tell my son, "Bads Near Stop"

He looks at me and asks what that means.

I point at the sign and say, "Its the opposite of Wells Fargo"

Its now 1:57 AM, I don't remember his reaction. He was wearing sunglasses so it was hard to tell at the time what his reaction was.

I reaLLy think there is laundry I could be doing. Or a few dirty dishes from suppa'. But no, I wanna type.

I should reaLLy go to sleep now before I accidentaLLy push the orange Publish Post button.


Update: A little while later she tells me, "Ithoughtitwasmorning"

I say, "Technically, it is morning. And, Spring is approximately one day old, too"

I am just a regular old almanac. Emphasis on the all and man.


Update: She asks me, "Whattimeisitnow?"

I think I have become merely a clock, is that all I am good for in life?

I say, "It is 7:32" and I don't round to the nearest 5 minute mark as is my custom.

She says, "Really,itrainedallnight"

I wonder why she suddenly has this 'Really' word response to my time announcements. Why would I be untruthful? I s'ppose I could buy a set of glow in the dark atomic clock syncronized time pieces for every room in the house with giant numbers, then she could always know eXactly what time it was. But I bet it would be difficult for her to break her habit asking me for the time, knowing I live with an iPad glued to my eyeballs and fingertips. I also s'ppose I could respond to her time requests with a standardized answer, "Its not quite twelve".

The Most Important Quality To Look For In A Future Wife: Can she smell frozen pizza at fifteen feet?

A friend of mine mentioned ice cream in a Facebook post so I went looking for frozen treats even though I already knew my ice cream sandwiches were gone. I found a small pizza. Frozen. Waiting. Just for me!

But I decided to share anyway - Se~Cret~Ly!

I carefully and quietly unwrapped it in the kitchen with my wife just a few feet away absorbed in a TV show. I wish I would have thought to make all the noises of opening the package and starting the microwave to coincide with the violent moments of the cinematic entertainment, but I will save that for next time.

After I started the pizza, I thought, "this will be a nice surprise for my true love" just as I am fixing to walk past her arm chair.

BUT ... she smiles and says,

"I'm ready for my pizza!"

and I stop dead in my tracks! I'm thinking, "Wow! I knew her sense of smell was incredible, but that frozen pizza has been in the microwave oven for less than 15 seconds and it takes a certain amount of time just to generate a sufficient volume of volatile chemicals and then they would have to escape the microwave oven and dissipate around the corner into the living room ~~WHAT?!?!?"

So I told her, "Well, I found a small frozen pizza in the freezer and I was going to surprise you with it, how did you smell it?"

And her eye brows go quizzically funny, and says, "What frozen pizza? You're cooking a pizza? I was talking about that Pizza Hut pizza that me and Cooper didn't get to have last night"

... and then I remembered that we weren't able to get pizza last night because we called 10 minutes too late. I was so flabbergasted I forget what I said next.

Tamie smiled and said, "We're getting his mental telepathy thing down pretty good, huh?"

&^)