No, I Am The Sultan of Swing

Episode 2

I am really glad I have got to the point in life where I completely understand women. Of course, I am even more glad that my wife gave me permission to let everyone know this.

(Actually she didn't, she's asleep right now, men, but if we get together really fast we can make it to the spaceship and escape while they are getting their beauty rest. Hurry, my back yard, the south one - it looks like a Morgan Building. I'm leaving in 15 minutes, hurry. Capacity: 14)

"Did you know that I am 'The Sultan of Swing'?" That was my latest question to the wife. Of course, in all fairness, she has no idea who the Dire Straights were, or the tune I am humming, and instead of Mark Knopfler's voice I choose to sing in the vocal register of Charles Montgomery Burns from 'The Simpsons'. Hold it, Mark Knopfler does kinda sound like Monty.

The Dead Presidents Day holiday is interfering with my shipment of new books and presents. It left Fernley, Nevada 97 hours ago. It had plenty of time to get here if the Pony Express would have still been in service. I miss those days. I don't necessarily miss the ponies. Now you know what the P originally stood for in ups.

What? Ponies? Puppies? Poodles? No, P stands for Parcel. "United Ponies Service" ?!?!? That doesn't even begin to make sense. (think-think-think) I guess it kinda does now that I think about it awhile; they would ride one pony really fast for a short distance and then get on the next pony at the next station, and zoom zoom zoom ... dust.

Update 2010.02.16 09:15

My friend wrote a note this morning warning me not to get my hopes up.

My response:

Don't worry, I'm still here - no one else showed up, bunch-a chickens, and intergalactic flight regulations require that I have a co-pilot, navigator, stewardess or at least one other creature who has either:

A) physically separate intellectual processor pods (multiple brains tied through a neural network)

Or

B) multiple personalities who can multi-task at blinding speed and have distinct voices when performing various job functions plus a note from their doctor,

capable of performing all three jobs of Nav-Stew-CoP with recent up-to-date certification on either the solar system of departure or arrival. 

Must love quadrupeds (that's my own requirement since Cooper would be coming along as well. That reminds me, I should try to train him! Oh, look, there is a C clause for Man's Beast Friend - oh, but you can't bring passengers, or leave your own solar system)

Update 2010.02.17 00:01

In the spirit of Tony The Tiger, this is great! I checked the tracking status of my package, and it shows an arrival scan at 3:13 AM - that's over 20 hours ago, and the location is "---", oooops, hold it, where is "---" ? Which state has Triple Hyphen for a city? Or is that 'Three Minus' ?

Update 2010.02.17 02:56

Note to one of my sisters: This post was just another in my recently initiated ongoing publication from my alter ego - an 8 armed mentally challenged space alien accidentally trapped on earth. Please reference the other story titled "Why I Moved To Oklahoma Today ... Suddenly" which you may find amusing. My original claim of completely understanding women only extends to human women (such as you), not extraterrestrial women such as the character of my sister Susie in that tale. Enjoy!