Absent For A Bit ....

I am away for a little while working on a few or more episodes for The Adventures of My Space Alien Alter Ego story ... will return (to Earth) soon!

Notice: Blogger has screwed up and lost a bunch of photos out of my blog! They are replaced with a gray silhouette of a human head. I will eventually get them replaced with the correct photo, it may take a while to find and fix everything. So some of my stories don't make much sense without their photos, sorry for the inconvenience.

esbb

2015-01-25

Tom, Bill and Some Unhappy Lady Without A Name

I eventually went to the diner yesterday in a stage of exhaustion and hunger. I woke up from my nap after only a half hour when I wanted at least an hour. 


Then my wife called while I was stiLL lying in bed and asked if I could come back to work to handle a minor rush print job, to cut some vinyl lettering. It took me a bit before the bottom of my feet wanted to handle any pressure then after I sat down my knees didn't want me vertical. I woke up in eXtreme hunger like I had not eXperienced in ... No I couldn't remember ever being hungry to the point of wanting to cry. Bizarre. That thought at that moment 180'd my brain and I cracked up laughing. This probably confused Cooper. After a cup of coffee I finally made it out of the house. There was also a piece of toast followed by peanut butter on crackers.

But by the time I made it downtown the shirt order had vanished.

The customer had came back to our store after ordering the special printing and started complaining about the price and wanted us to do the work cheaper. My wife was busy with hair cutting clients and gave the money back. The customer implied that we were trying to steal from her! It was so unreal that it flabbergasted our employee to tears. The guy from the cable company witnessed the episode and said that was really strange, some customers are just so unreasonable, like they expect something for nothing.

So I decided to do a couple more shirts on my large embroidery order before going to the diner.

I was hoping that my favorite waitress Kandi was going to be back after taking several weeks off for the holiday season. So I was grateful to see her smiling face as she asked me if I needed my French fries and gave me a hug. There were several people that evening who told her that they were glad she was back.

I hurt enough that I needed a booth instead of sitting at the bar where I can watch teleBision and chat. Just as I sat down in walked Bill. He sat down at the booth across the aisle. He got Kandi to s'pposedly straighten out his seat before sitting down but I didn't see it move. Bill was unusually quiet.

Here is the Bill story.

Bill is a World War II Marine service vet who is most likely senile. He comes to the diner sometimes up to four times in a day and orders either a cup of coffee or coffee and a sandwich. The sandwich is always fried ham with mayonnaise on whole wheat which is cut in half and he always gets a to-go box because he eats just one half.

The owner of the diner finally found out what happens to the other half of the sandwiches after a policeman was in the diner playing pool in the back room and happened to see Bill. So he told the diner owner these details.

It seems that Bill was saving up the half sandwiches in their Styrofoam containers until they were good and moldy then he would take a bunch of them down to the police station to "donate" them to the fine men and women in blue.

It doesn't take the police department too long to ask him not to bring any more leftover sandwiches.

So then Bill decides to start visiting the police department to chat. After a few visits he is asked to not come back as they have work to do. I think, "This isn't Mayberry North Carolina, there is no Andy Taylor and Barney Fife". I have heard several of Bill's conversations at the diner and they are typically filled with improper and unpleasant words maybe half the time. The other half he is usually stone cold silent.

So if Bill can't donate sandwiches or chat at the police department he decides the next best thing to do is tail a police officer in his car. So Bill proceeds to follow a particular officer all over town. Finally the officer decides he has had enough of this behavior and pulls over to investigate. Sure enough Bill pulls in behind him.

The officer recognizes Bill and asked him what he is doing and after Bill's explanation he asked Bill to stop following him.

Bill responds angrily, "Well, you fat [four letter F word], you should join the Marines and get in shape!" - and then Bill hits the accelerator and zooms away sending gravel flying as the officer stands there probably relieved that that ended well.

So back to me eating my supper. I am starving so I order my veRy rarely ordered huge meal of shrimp, potato, toast and salad. I ask for a single slice of onion to have with my salad. I dice it up at the table with a steak knife.

But they don't send out a single slice, but half of a huge white onion. So I cut up just a slice and put it on my salad that is in a bowl that is too smaLL, so mixing the onion and then also crackers with Ranch dressing is a delicate, slow yet doable act.

So right in the middle of my eXpensive eXtensive multi-course meal with both cool and hot items that I don't wish to eat back at room temperature, there comes this strange voice saying, "Hey, Ernie" from a couple tables away behind me.

I recognize that it is the quirky voice of a bizarre person named Tom, a friend of Kandi. "Friend" may be the wrong word and "stalker" may be closer. But I am in the middle of my meal and I don't want a Tom interruption so I pretend I don't hear him and it works, he only says the Hey Ernie once and stays in his own seat.

I am almost finished and want to go home but then my wife calls and has me bring her something from the diner. So I am forced to sit there for a little while longer and aLL I want is sleep. I had forgot about Tom. The gigantic meal didn't even fiLL me up but I was at least ready for some back pain to go away. Besides, Cooper would soon need his evening cheese.

Just as I stood up to leave, Tom once again hollers at me, so I go over to see what he wants. He has a question for me. He asks me if I feel like wrestling some cattle, which I immediately transform into the correct word idea of rustling cattle, stealing them. Which is a veRy bizarre question to ask somebody, especiaLLy in public. EspeciaLLy someone you just barely know. I pretend I didn't understand him, because I reaLLy want him to say it again only louder and with more "clarity". So he says it again, yes, this guy is telling me this with a straight face, no sign of humor. I respond wearily, No, I don't want to rustle any cattle. And with a serious questioning face Tom asks, "Why not?"

I am thinking, I eat buffalo instead of beef, why would I want to steal some cattle? Besides, I am a city boy, at the moment, weLL, the last 51 years at least.

How do you respond to such nonsense? I just teLL him I am eXhausted and need to take my wife her supper before it gets too cold.

I am hoping that Tom and Bill don't show up in my dreams,  OR any cattle .... or angry shirt customers.

Its probably a good thing he didn't ask me if I wanted to steal a buffalo, in my weakened condition I might have said yes.

10 comments:

fmcgmccllc said...

Well, stealing cattle is better than stalking police officers. Most of the time.

Gotta love the diner.

esbboston said...

fmcgmccllc: What would be terrible is if he reaLLy did mean wrestling cattle and then have the police read my blog and investigate him. Maybe the police could have Bill follow Tom everywhere and figure it aLL out.

Lily Jo said...

I suspect that Tom was bored and did indeed mean wrestling cattle. I bet he has a little area fixed up in his backyard and cattle sized singlets waiting to be worn. You, Mr E, have just deprived poor Tom of his one day a week, cattle wrestling session. For shame.

Loved reading about Bill and loved your storytelling. Had me chuckling throughout.

Rob Z Tobor said...

I really think Tom should have asked Bill to go cattle rustling they who make a great team because the police would get a call from a farmer saying Bill is in my fields with my cattle. The police would be very pleased with this news and decide that it would be best just to stay away.

However should the farmer get very annoyed they would know where Bill is and could ask him to pop round with half a sandwich for a chat in the interview room where he would almost certainly blame Tom.

esbboston said...

Lily: In my weakened condition I forgot to use my note in my iPhone to order this meal and therefore the toast was inedible fiLLed with butter past the point of saturation.


Diner Meal A

-1/2 Order of Jumbo Shrimp
-Use tartar sauce not red
-Baked potato with grated cheese
-Toast Dry and very lightly toasted
-Slice of onion and a steak knife so I can cut it up before my meal arrives

So, I even asked for a baked potato and stiLL wound up getting French Fries most likely because the cook knew it was my order and that I "always" get FFries even though I reaLLy wanted a baked potato.

esbboston said...

In the past I would simply hand the waiter my iPhone with the note showing my meal request. Then they actuaLLy take my phone to the kitchen.

esbboston said...

Rob: Just as I would prefer buffalo to beef, I bet that Bill with the ham sandwich eating disorder would prefer to steal a hog. Or maybe rob convenience stores of aLL their mayonnaise.

esbboston said...

"The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same." - Henri Stendhal

Badger said...

I think anyone who is a WW11 Marine can do what they please.

esbboston said...

Badger: I agree. It appears that Bill does too. He is a bit crude at times and uses improper language around young people.

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