Bull Frog Dog

My friend mentioned that her dog just leaped like a bull frog.

My Response: What noi-ses does he says? Anything close to "rib bit" ? That could possibly mean a frog transformation is in progress. Of course, if he is suddenly speaking Angle-ish part of the time, he could have meant that he "bit a rib" while devouring wild game on the savannah, most likely during a puppy dreamtime... By the way, I believe cow frogs eXist but they rarely leap, they are typically too busy reading and knitting. And everyone knows you aren't s'pposed to run through the house with knitting needles, or leaping with them.

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Cooper looks funny wandering through the house slowly with a dog biscuit partially hanging out of his mouth. He could be on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine.

Woke up to a cold white morning. Snow is rare here and today not very deep. Probably not enough to build a snow man, maybe enough for a snow midget. I must venture out in it soon to the groc store, for I am outta eggs. I do have my truck engine heater plugged in so it starts with less clanky clankity clank noise. It appears to be a cold enough day for pants. Pants season usually only lasts for the better part of three months for me. I can always seem to get warmed up, but not reliably cooled off, so I own few pants, mainly shorts.

The house across the street has really dark shingles and there is just enough snow filled in the cracks and then wind blown clean of accumulation, so it has the appearance of the new finger nail polish that women are wearing that has the cracked appearance. (I know about things like this because we are '.cracked.' dealers.)

What My Wife Is Up To

‎"I'm the funny one today!" - I didn't say that. Just a little wellness barometer for you on how the main girl in my life is doing.

"It's all uphill from here!", she says smiling.

I tell her that she really wanted the word 'downhill', that she has the saying backwards.

She responds, smiling even bigger, "No, I'm going to be happier!" - making a 'see the corners of my mouth go UP when I smile' face.

Later in the day ...

"I need to write a letter to the makers of Popsicles, let 'em know that their orange Popsicles are terrible".

I tried one. I agree with her, they are pretty worthless.

Well, I s'ppose if a building was on fire and all you had were a whole bunch of orange Popsicles, then they wouldn't be totally worthless. But then when the news media found out about it and turned orange Popsicles into heros, then they would make even more of them, and then there would be even more sadness, first for people who bought the Popsicles to eat, and then for the equally sad unloved Popsicles just sitting there waiting to be bought. Sitting there in the cold, and the dark (inside their container), hoping for another building to catch on fire.

Life Stuff, Wife Stuff

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It was wet outside, so this morning when I let Cooper back inside I asked him to sit on the towel by the back door so we could go through his normal routine of him getting most of the junk off his feet. Instead of sitting, though, he walked in a tight circle four times and looked up at me. I told him, "Good job, Bubba Bear, you did really good!"
He smiled and wagged his tail.

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I remove the evil celery and giant carrots from my salad at the restaurant. I continue digging through my salad.
My wife asked me what I was doing.
"Looking for evil celery ... (pause) maybe I should have saved it to take home"
"Why?!?!?", she asked.
"Just in case I need some celery"
The wife smacks her own forehead with her hand.

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I have no idea where Killeen Texas is, but my Internet service pretends that I am there. All the nasty sneaky little internet marketing scheming devices display messages like "Select Age to View Singles in Killeen" - umm, no thanks, match.com, not with the price of diesel, it would be too eXpensive. If I did someone might be kill-een-ing me. I just wanna play Sudoku.

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My wife has an overactive imagination. She thought that I had laid a couple of Beggin' Strips together on the floor end-to-end to make a snake-like figure to try to fool/scare her. "No, honey, for some reason the dog must have left them there instead of eating them." Besides, what are the odds that I would leave Beggin' Strips on the floor AND the dog not mess with them?

AND several hours later they were still on the floor eXactly where he left them, bizarre, AND I know he had to have walked right by them at least once!

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A recent conversation at eXtreme distance, almost yelling (fake):
"Bye, Ern"
"Bye, loveyouabunch"
"Bye, loveyoumore"
"Bye, loveyouless"
Giggles.
Front door closes.

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I decided this morning that we must have a "Nevada" type marriage. Whatever is lost and vague among us, stays lost and vague among us.

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I found out there is a slightly more complicated version to equate dog years to human years, rather than just using the "7 Times Factor". So I used a spread sheet to calculate the day when my dog and I will be the same "aged": 

Feb 9th, 2014

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Q: "Are you glad you are my wife?"

A: "My pillow is as flat as a pancake"

My Brain goes ?!?!?!?(mental cartwheel)?!?!?

Then I thought, well, I did ask her at 1:25 AM

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‎"I'm so tired I can't even ...."

(Pause)

"I'm so tired I can't even ....."

(Pause)

"What?!?!? '.... Finish your own sentence' ?"

"Yes"

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Nothing quite like the pitter patter of your children's feet going through the house in the morning after being gone for so long.

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A night of vivid strange dreams:

A) I was irritated because my wife was trying to secretly own three restaurants instead of two (we don't even have one in real life)

B) They weren't measuring the chemicals correctly on a gas chromatograph at the place where I used to work.

C) Trying to retrieve a photograph of one of my daughter-in-laws from both of them.

A tiring night of straightening out the imaginary world

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I get up briefly to get a drink of water in the middle of a terrible night of non-sleep for all three of us. I meet my wife in passing asking her what time it is, as the kitchen stove clock blinks 12:00 due to Excel Energy's recent failures. She says that it is 4:10 - ah, I think, how fitting, my favorite caliber of shotgun.

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It's gotten worse and completely out of control around here. The dog begins to complain verbally about wanting some supper and then The Wifey encourages him by making the eXact same noises, along with giggling as she thinks she is so intelligent.
What's a boy to do?
Charm school for both of them is sounding better all the time.

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