A Sad Miserable Life?

You lead a sad miserable life if:

Your psychologist retires just to avoid talking to you.

You are dying from falling off a cliff and your life is flashing before your eyes but then you realize that they put in the wrong tape and it's somebody else's life.

Your best dreams are just automobile commercials from television and they aren't even the good ones in high definition.

You went ahead with the shotgun wedding only to find out that there was no gift of a new shotgun as you had expected from your future father-in-law. Only a used one in the far distant future as spelled out in his will.

Other people are in charge of making your New Year's resolutions that have *serious* consequences attached for failure from the other gentlemen on your cell block.

You discover in your college microbiology class that your mother's technique of washing dishes "lets wipe everything off" is a little bit inadequate.

Your children continue to remind you decades after the event of you trying to trick them by making your own version of Heinz 57® Sauce as an utterly expensive nasty tasting failure.

You di$cover that your mother ha$ been paying everyone to be your friend in My$pace and now they have banded together a$ a union a$king for a pay increa$e.

You buy your first house with one of the stated benefits, from the kind elderly couple, being "free water, sewer and trash" only to discover a bill one day in the mailbox for five years worth after living there only two.

After a few scrapes with the law your parents tell you (and everyone else) that you were adopted, even though you weren't.

You have never left North Dakota because your father told you that you couldn't without a visa and every time you ask someone to help you with the application process they tell you that you don't need one and you just know your father wouldn't lie to you. And he lives in a different state. And he won't tell you which one. Oh well, back to the pig farm.

You have bumped your head so many times on the same object that people start making bets on whether you are going "to do it again this time".

The main thing you are known for at work is for wandering around looking for free food.

You are finally rescued after 11 years. You have stood on the beach and waved frantically at thousands of low flying airplanes. Then you are told that you have been on a "desert peninsula", not island, and the airport that services a city of 2 million people is right over there.