Oh! The Things You Will Learn from the University of Phoenix!

I noticed that the latest ads for the University of Phoenix have the people all looking up. Too uppish. They appear to be uncomfortable but still have a slight smile on their face. Paid pain to be in an ad pane? Advil anyone? So these are probably the most popular degree plans for this group of people:

• UFO Investigator
  
• Head Lice Inspector
  
• Pro Football Helmet Measurer
  
• Astronomer
  
• Practice Person for Chiropractic Schools
  
• Flying Flock Counter
  
• Fireworks Quality Control Inspector (Oooh and Aaah'ers need not apply)
  
• Air Traffic Controller Controller
  
• Theplanetwicer - That little guy on that TV show from a long, long time ago whose name I don't remember who said "The Plane, The Plane" - must also be able to distinguish between The Bird, The Plane and The Superman, and track properly identified moving object with index finger.
  
• Horizontal Odor Sniffer (You have to visualize the person in motion, head back, with the rushing torrent of air blasting the olfactories. Okay, that was a bit too much. We may decide to drop this major and send it over to the culinary school on the south side of town.)
  

Several of these can be combined as double majors to increase your job hunting prospects later on.

Amazing New Chinese Diet & More

I saw an advertisement for an "Amazing New Chinese Diet" several weeks ago, so I started it. Didn't lose a single pound after 8 weeks of trying. Then I got a letter from a man in Beijing that I didn't know. He said, "Stop your diet, you're making me hungry all the time and I've lost 20 kilograms".
That is an Amazing Diet. I eat. Certain Chinese people lose weight. And he didn't appreciate my efforts. Just for that, I think I'll stay on it for a few more weeks.


... and now the "& More" part ...

I started a new diet that has truly worked well:

EOPFYL - Eliminate One Pepper From Your Life

My friend asked, "What kind???? Stuffed peppers?"

"No, think high caloric"

"Oh, Dr. Pepper!!!"

But secretly I still cheat and have one "DoPe" per week when I go to Tac0 Be11. If I wanted to completely eliminate DoPe, it would require the arson of thousands of TB restaurants, the mass killing of thousands of employees, a little bit of deforestation, and probably have to punch somebody in the nose, all that just to finally exterminate all the DoPe out of my life. Whew! That plan sounds too wacky just for a cold carbonated beverage from Waco Tx, probably not cost effective with current gas prices, and might interfere with TV time, especially with the new fall lineup. Oh, I have to stop typing, the 'House' season premiere is on.

I think I'll just stick to my current game plan of not having DoPe in my house.

And mono-cheat-weekly at TB.

Hours Later at the DoPeAnon Meeting

"Hi, my name is Ernest, and I secretly drink DoPe"
"Hello Ernest, hello Ernest, hello Ernest"

The Danger of Roman Numerals - KEVIN!!!!!

I learned today that one of the more difficult, demanding and disturbing things to try to do is to NOT listen and NOT watch a "Home Alone" movie (I, II or III) while it is playing XV feet behind you while focusing on your writing. And IIday was such a good day for IInight II end this way. Oops, now my writing is being affected Roman Numberally. I hate it when I get stuck in a mode of writing that is all Roman Numberally, mainly because now I don't remember if that first word of this sentence and the other IV occurrences mean "one" or the single letter word that means "me", although I did figure out that the "II" should have meant "to" and it wasn't the Italian word "Il" which I think translates as "the" or the Roman number as "two" or as the word "too" meaning "also". These last II sentences have been just II hard II understand, much less proofread. My head hurts.

Let me help you understand about apparent misspelling in the previous paragraph. You proper English Language people out there thought it should have been the word "numerableally". Actually you can hurt yourself trying to say that word too fast. Go ahead and try it, I'll wait a few seconds. {wait}{wait} See? Told ya' so. I didn't make C's in English in college for nothin', they gave me those grades for events and circumstances beyond their level of comprehension. The Marches! The Fires! The Riots! Oooh, sorry about that, flash back, Nam vet style. The word "Numberally" is a new word I just created 58 seconds ago that means to be numbed into a state where you are using numbers incorrectly "all" over the place and you don't know "y", I mean "why". "Number+all+y". My head hurts now even more than 48 seconds ago when I told you the first time.

"Ernie"

"Yes, Honey?"

"Turn off the light, I want II go II sleep"

(Did it work? When you read that last sentence did you say "to" twice without any trouble?)

You've just taken a trip through the R.N. Zone.

Blame Kevin, not me.

Sorry, snap out it, that was supposed to be pronounced "KE-VIN", not "KE"+"SIX"+"N"

Ring! Its Early Saturday Morning and Ernest is Getting Uglier

2007.09.22 - Trojan House Alert -> My Name is NOT Troy

For all the stupid bill collection agencies out there, hire people who can read.

For all the stupid bill collectors out there looking for someone named "Troy My-Last-Name", I am not him.

None of our pets or children or plumbing fixtures have ever been named "Troy" and my phone number has been mine for 20 plus years, so look it up, confirm what we've told you several times and quit calling my house early Saturday morning when I am definitely needing my beauty sleep. My phone book in my grubby little hands right now shows another person with my last name in our town with the first initial "T", hmmmm? And two "T" numbers!

Quit horsing around with mind numbing phony calls with my house phone number.

Bang! It's Early Friday Morning and Ernest is Getting Stoned

This is my second letter to my pen-pal friend this morning.

Just as soon as I stepped outside I remembered some somniac maniac things I forgot to tell you in the first letter. (It appears that "somniac" is not a real word according Ms. Spill Chicker, so here right now it means the opposite of insomniac, new word, 5 points). I had 2 strange vivid knock you right awake dreams last night. The first (I think so) one was about a guy throwing rocks at me. He was blond. The first few rocks were kind of in my general direction, then one went whizzing by my left cheek, grazing it. I was behind some trees. I hollered at him to be careful and other "things" and he was surprised, but he was trying to impress some girls around him and started mouthing off and taunting me, and I returned the verbal, and I am pretty sure we fought a little and then police got involved.

Flip pillows over, maybe that will help. Snore....snooze.....(maybe I will only dream about unicorns this time, nice unicorns, pretty unicorns)

The second dream is a short one where my dog is in the middle of the backyard and yelped but he has something in his mouth so it is a bit of a muffled yelp, and he won't let go of it, and IT is a snake that won't let go of him either. Ying&Yang,Cling&Fang - There is a WWF struggle momentarily, WolfWrestlingFangs. Then a loud non-dog non-snake like noise 'bang' and I wake in a jerking motion.

Play Cryptograms Without the Help of ExTraTErrEsTrials

I normally like to play cryptogram puzzles without the aid of writing down the letter guesses as I progress (or don't progress) through the game. For the past few days I have been over at "Cryptogram Corner" playing online, sometimes using their system to visually show the letter guesses and sometimes my solely cerebral way.

Last night I came up with an interesting way of playing without the visual help of the letters "E" & "T", the two typically most common letters that occur in English and usually in cryptograms. As the game progresses it becomes fairly easy to see the E & T holes and still be able to read & solve the puzzle without them.

These are the recorded steps of a game. Each guess of a step is shown in red.

Step by step example:

*******************************************************************************
A
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A                                       A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A                A                  A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
L
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A       L                               A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A   L            ALL                A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
I
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A   I      A       A    I  LI                I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A   A   L I      I   ALL                A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *
*******************************************************************************
H
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A  HI      A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H   A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H             H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
S
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   S    S    H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
O
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  O    A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    I     O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
F
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  OF F A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    IF    O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
R
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RI  LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF    O RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS RO H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
C
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF   CO RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  C  S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
U
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
W
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
N
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LIN   HROU H  H   IN   IF  NCOURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
G
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IN   IF  NCOURAG    *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
D
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
M
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
K
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
Y
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
X
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXI  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *

Now there are just little spacemen left in the spaces to reveal, say "Roswell" three times, sprinkle Reese’s Pieces – and - poof

*******************************************************************************
ET
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXIETY IS A THIN STREAM OF FEAR TRICKLING THROUGH THE MIND  IF ENCOURAGED  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* IT CUTS A CHANNEL INTO WHICH ALL OTHER THOUGHTS ARE DRAINED                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* ARTHUR SOMERS ROCHE                                                         *
*******************************************************************************
ET - Phonetically Honed

Visit Cryptogram Corner:
URL: http://www.geocities.com/cryptogramcorner/

Technical Notes & Credits:
The form part of Cryptogram Corner did not work with my Firefox browser version 2.0.0.7, had to use Internet Explorer.

Each game play step was copied and pasted and then colorization and formatting performed post-game play, so there may be some typos.

Enjoy!

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial is a trademark of Universal Studios
Firefox is a trademark of Mozilla Foundation
Reese's Pieces is a trademark of The Hershey Company

Green with INVI

Table of Contents

• Codename INVI
• Cooking & Compounding
• Clearly Contaminated
• Cool Can with Curved Colophon
• Commercial Caption
• Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi
• <poof> usage
• voCabulary

Paint : Codename INVI

When I was a little boy my favorite color was 'green', but now I think its 'invisible'. Now, I don't mean to indicate 'clear', as in putting on a clear coat finish, or the invisible things all around you, like the "air", but invisible as paint. Paint? Yeah, nice liquid paint that turns solid. I want to be able to paint things and have them <poof> away. So I am testing my most recent invention right now in my kitchen and adjusting the ingredients for the recipe.

Cooking & Compounding

I haven't really decided whether painted objects should disappear just as soon as the paint is applied or whether they slowly become invisible based on how dry the paint is. The painted object is still there, of course, you can pick it up, feel it, brush your teeth with it (preferably when its dry), toss it across the room and hit your sister in the back of the head. It has been a secret lifelong dream of mine to hear my older sister say, "Mom, make him stop, Ernie's throwing invisible things at me again". I've noticed that nobody calls me 'Ernest', except for the people who don't know me. Officials, like, judges and the nice policemen and those guys with the funny white jacket last week. Some folks have abbreviated me all the way down to "Ern", and a few to just the simple, singular, sound "E". So I have slowly become partially invisible in name.

Viewing INVI – Clearly Contaminated

I invented eyeglasses that work in two modes: To be able to see the painted invisble – oops, ts startng to happen, splled some of my invisble pant on my keyboard and the letter that rhymes wth "eye" sn't showng up now n all of my words, just notced t n the word "invisble". At least 2 out of 3 of the "eyes" of invisble were still vsble.

{PAUSE for Keyboard Cleanup}

Well, I got most of the paint cleaned off the keyboard. The word "invisble" is still "broken", there must be some INVI paint inside the very middle of that particular word that I can't get it out of the computer's dictionary. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I just the painted invisble objects. What?!?!? That last sentence didn't make complete sense! Oh, pause for another cleanup: The word "see' should have been in there twice. That sentence should have been "Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to see either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I see just the painted invisble objects." I must be getting invisble paint in several places in the dictionary, now it's making a mess of my writing. Oh, now I understand, one of the first entire words that I should expect to lose is "see" when dealing with invisble paint. So I may have to switch to the homonym "sea" if the word "see' disappears again. That is going to be really confusing if I have to use certain words together, like "sea green" – everyone is going to think: Exactly what does Ernest mean by that? I am so glad you called me 'Ernest' instead of Ernie, Ern or E in your thoughts just then. Don't you think it sounds more professional?

Deliverance, Safety & Technical Issues – Cool Can with Curved Colophon

Spray or brush? Water based or oil? I just noticed that the can of paint disappeared, {soft bump noise from elbow}, oh, there it is. This is very inconvenient. Its kind of like dealing with last week's super-superglue, be very careful where you put things - together. I was worried about how to put a label on the can. Here is an interesting phenomenon: The paint on the inside of the can made the can disappear, but the label that I later put on the outside doesn't disappear! Maybe there's a time delay feature? Cool. So whatever the paint originally touches turned invisible, or maybe it only affects things while the paint is still wet? I will have to do more test work on this puzzling aspect. This is really cool, you should come to my kitchen and see this! – The label is curved around the INVI paint can and the label appears to be floating in mid air. I can read back through the label and see the reverse print. How neat! I'm calling Steven Spielberg right now. Lets see, he is speed dial "77" – no, Steve-o's line is busy again.

I noticed that the end of my right index finger used on the spray nozzle is starting to disappear, and it's becoming numb! I had better get this washed off soon. Let me finish typing this first though, you know how important scientific progress is.

Brand Name of Product – Commercial Caption

I haven't come up with a good sounding brand name just yet. Here are my ideas so far:

• "Adjustable Translucence" – no, that's really a feature, depending on dilution.
• "Eye See You", no, that might get confused with the hospital acronym ICU, which is where I may be going if this finger gets any worse.
• "Casper" – no, and what made me want to name it after a city in Wyoming? Oh, now I remember, ghost & friendly, and my product is really neither of those (finger).
• "Patrick Swayze & Whoopi Goldberg" – no, too Hollywood-ish, supernatural & "Ghostie". Actually that sounds more like a good name for a "Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream®"
• "Bare" – no, too similar to the existing paint brand name "Behr®"
• "The Emperor's New Paint" – that's the one I like the best.

FOLLOW UP IMPORTANT DISCOVERY - Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi

I sent a rough draft note to one of my best friends on the other side of Texas about this invention and her response was:

I enjoyed your story about the ".........." paint. Hey, how'd you do that? It is affecting my keyboard too!

I performed some more testing and sent her back this reply:

That is really something that it infected your computer keyboard. It looks like I invented a new class of chemical based keyboard confounding computer virus, how strange! Here is a solution: I found that the Bic® office product "Wite Out®" surprisingly reverses the effect of the INVI Paint, so just start putting that everywhere, except avoid your mouth, eyes and certain mucous membrane-ish sensitive "other places". Be sure to follow all warnings on the labels of products.

Note About <poof> Usage

You have probably noticed by now that I like a good italicized poof in pointy brackets every once in a while in my writings. "<poof>" might be an interesting thing to put on a headstone, but not mine please. One single word "<poof>", yeah, a magician's headstone, that would be perfect.

Vocabulary

• Colophon - A name or other device placed on merchandise to signify its ownership or manufacture
• Psy-Phi – This kind of story

Physician's Note to the Family, Friends and Fans of Ernest:

No fingers were really harmed in the making of this blog post. That is just a photograph. He's all there. Well, not really all "all" there, if you know what I mean. He just got up from a nap and is having some "coffee" with "creamer". And the only thing cooking in the kitchen this morning was C-o-W oatmeal. After the first disaster, we don't let Ernest ANYwhere near the kitchen.

Ernstein: What Goofballs Sound Like at the Speed of Light

The Medical Drama and Mathematical Melodrama:

My wife and I were sitting in a doctor's exam room waiting for medical results on 9/11 of 2007. I begin a cell phone conversation with my son, an engineering student. As part of the conversation I mention that since her recent surgery, his mother thinks everything tastes too salty, including my humor. My son thinks that is pretty funny (the my humor part). It is rare that he ever tells me anything of mine is very funny. I tell him that I wrote that line several hours ago but that I had waited to tell his mother that line until I could also tell him simultaneously.

Then I suddenly realize this physical reality and numeric similarity:

i) My wife's closest ear is approximately 100 centimeters away from my mouth

ii) My mouth is maybe a couple centimeters from my cellphone microphone

iii) My son's ear is roughly a centimeter away from his cellphone speaker

iv) My son is approximately 100 miles away from me

And then I wonder: Who heard it first?

Non-Geek Warning: Don't Try to Understand This Next Paragraph

The Dilemma of the Digital Delay: I had tried for simultaneousness only to realize that maybe my son who is far away physically may actually have heard the sound of my joke before my wife based on the speed of sound versus the speed of light/electricity. My thought is I am unsure of how much delay is created in the cell phone circuits as the electrical signal is periodically re-amplified at various stages of the transmission process, goes through telephone switching circuits, possible digital information buffering, multiplexing, and undergoes Analog to Digital & Digital to Analog conversion at each transducer step.

My son's response: "Dad, you're a goofball"

My wife's response: "Get off the phone, the doctor's coming"

For everyone out there who has been anxiously waiting for the more important information, the doctor's news was good about my wife.

My Phone-y Numerical Results Later in the Evening:

The son 100 miles away heard the sound 5 times sooner than the wife 100 centimeters away.

Reach out and hug someone. Faster. By phone.

Appendix: Calculations for Goofballs & Geeks & Nerds

Here is the time delay for the speed of sound to travel 100 cm:

Speed of sound at 70 F : 771 mph

I didn't try to compensate for our elevation of ~3000 ft above sea level

100 cm / 2.54 cm/in = 39.37 in = 3.281 ft

771 mph * 5280 ft/mile = 4070880 ft per hour (speed of sound at 70 F) from a web site

1129 ft per second

3.281 ft / 1129 ft per sec.. 0.002906 seconds to travel 100 cm

Here is the time delay for the speed of light to travel 100 miles:

Speed of light 186,282 miles per second

100 miles * 1 / 186282 seconds per mile = 0.000536 seconds, so around a half a millisecond to travel 100 miles.

So if there is citizen of cyberchatland who knows more about this subject than me, or would like to confirm my physics and math or correct for gross errors, please comment.

My Wife is More Interesting Than a Dead Buffalo

It was suppertime on Wednesday evening and I show my dog Cooper that we're having buffalo burger for supper before we go outside to play. Then we head out to the backyard while it simmers.

But he soon forgets the buffalo and becomes maniacally interested in the stupid stray cat just beyond reach behind the north fence. I can see Mr. Black Cat through the cracks in the fence, although Cooper has only his nose to guide him, due to the height difference in the two backyards. Mr. Black Cat has the "upper" hand (or paw) and is causing deep mental consternation for Cooper and he is running back and forth along the fence and wants nothing to do with me, a ball and Quality Time. His sound is a mix of these: Focus. Focus on feline. Ferocious focus on feline on far side of fence. Later I tell him several times that supper is ready, using a variety of words, my sounds are focusing on the key word 'buffalo', a word he clearly knows but he doesn't respond at present. Zip bark, zip growl, zip whine along the wall, I can smell you through the cracks, repeat ad nauseum. Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishcat, well, Cooper doesn't really know the nationality of the cat, so I'm not sure how he would have ended that nursery rhyme. I finally resort to lying to my dog and yell out the back door to let him know that my wife is home (even though she isn't and hasn't been there for a week and who knows how many more). I yell out "Tamie's home" just out of eyeshot at the back door and in seconds he comes blasting into the house and goes to the living room and skids to a stop between her chair and the couch and stares at the front door, tail wagging. So I have reconfirmed another communication milestone that he understands that phrase after discovering its power a few weeks ago by accident. And to think I had to lie to our dog just to get him to come eat one of his favorite things.

So Honey, heal up and come home soon from your trip, as the dog thinks you are more interesting than a dead buffalo or a live cat.

Epilogue

Most all is getting well in the world – Tamie is now really home, recuperating and re-Cooper-ating, even more buffalo has been consumed, but the firecracker still frustrates just beyond the fence as the sleeping fetal positioned puppy barks in low volume and high pitch in his dreams at my feet.

Where I Recently Ate and Didn't Die - KenFriChi

Where I Recently Ate and Didn't Die: Where I just ate was at my house with 8 million people from around the world according to a certain restaurant chain web site, but more importantly what I had was from an Oriental restaurant called KenFriChi. Most people know it by a different abbreviation of KFC and probably wonder why I called it an Oriental place. Well, I thought that “KenFriChi” sounded more Oriental, especially if you say it really really really fast, and I confirmed just now through KFC’s history that Col. Sanders first restaurant was in Corbin Ky, which Google told me is in the eastern part of the state, and Kentucky itself is in the Eastern part of the country, so yeah, it’s a doubly Oriental restaurant that serves non-Oriental food, how unique. Nope – I was wrong, just checked their website – they serve rice. Oh, and it’s a Double Didn't-Died Day as I had KenFriChi two days in a row. Oooo°°°ooooh, living & eating dan-ger-ously.

3 Ways To Be Thankful For 4 Feet

• My current blonde dog has 4 feet versus the previous blonde dog that only had 3. She was unfortunate enough to be ran over twice by automobiles in her life, yet lucky enough to have possessed a cat-like 9 lives nature to have survived, with the surgical loss of one front limb. She lived out a fruitful productive life of 14 years and with a NASCAR mentality, still managed to outrun the children to the trash dumpster in the alley when it was time to race, her favorite activity "White Dog Trash Racing".
  
• One of my tomato plants is more than 4 feet tall and wide at its extremes. The latest new game that the current blonde dog and I play is for me to be on one side of the garden and throw a tennis ball for him to catch in mid air, and then he brings it around the wall of tomato plants, sometimes drops it right in my hand, and then scoots back around to the other side to play catch again.
  
• My equatorial circumference is less than 4 feet. I have seen pictures of my ancestors, and some of them were rather huge people, so I am glad that the growth has seemed to have been halted. This summer the playing with the pupster and the plowing, planting, weeding and watering of the tomatoes has probably helped minimize me, although no where close to the "Mini-Me" of yester years.

Patching the Puppy's Pool

If you use clear duct tape to patch your dog's above ground swimming pool to repair the damage caused by using a snow shovel to drain the water (i.e. create your own version of a manually driven muscle powered tsunami machine), you might be a Redneck. Only a Redneck wouldn't use the word 'tsunami', he would use the technical term "big ol' wave". The only time a Redneck uses "tsunami" is as a complete sentence in a hog calling contest.

Ford Cares: About Bunnies & Air Bags

I was surprised one day last week to discover that Ford Motor Company cares so much about bunnies. As I flipped the visor up in my car there was a warning sticker about air bags and infant car seats with a bunny as the victim of an air bag mishap in the diagram. The 1st photo is directly from my 1998 Ford Motor Company automobile, not retouched. The 2nd close-up from the previous photo is even more shocking as it indicates that bunny ears could possibly become detached by a sudden blow to the back of the head. I was shocked and saddened, and decided something must be done. An appropriate safety investigation was initiated by our not-for-profit organization Compare, Scare & Impair Labs Inc.

From the warning sticker diagram, we decided to calculate the bunny size – it looked rather large - that way we could get a handle on how big of a bunny people could safely haul in the front seat of their car. Our product safety evaluation division at C,S & I Labs performed body density experiments on 14 bunnies in a large water tank. We found some cute little bunny sized scuba gear to assure animal safety with the measurements. We determined an average bunny body density of 0.974 gm/cc and created a comparison diagram (see 3rd photo). The comparison calculates out to a 22 pound Ford bunny! Man, that sure seems like a huge bunny! Maybe they have huge bunnies with easily detachable ears in Detroit, Michigan where they do the Ford bunny art. We decided not to perform any tests on our bunnies to see how easily their ears detach. Out of politeness, if you ever see any earless bunnies, just quietly remind everyone around you with a whisper, "They must be Ford bunnies from Michigan". And tell your children not to stare. And on April Fools Day use this same line for gerbils and hampsters.

Our final scientific safety advice is to haul your bunnies safely secured in the rear seat of your automobile, properly restrained. Oh, and for some reason our Texan bunnies really didn't like the water tank. We didn't lose any, but it was close on a couple of them, leaky facemasks. I wasn't about to perform CPR on a bunny, so Friday would have been stew night at our weekly lab cookout. Are we out of carrots again?

Scuba, snorkeling & surfing gear for the bunnies was graciously loaned from and available for purchase online or catalog at Hare of the Mare LLP.

Whoever You Are, Please Stop Sending My Wife Giant Chinese Lasers

I walked into the house one day and found my wife reading a book in the dimly lit living room except that she has this cute little light with this blue-ish oval glow slowly passing over the pages. I ask, "What are you doing?!?!?!?" and she replies, "Oh, I just got this free cute little light in the mail with the name of my business printed on the side of it."

It is a laser device with a warning not to point it at your eyes, and I have no experience with lasers but immediately start checking this one out. [Brain goes YEA!!! new tech toy] The print is so small on the warning label that I have to get very close just to still not be able to read the words on the label. Hence it looks like a giant laser up that close, so I wasn't lying in the blog title. I accidentally break the cute little flexible wand during the inspection, but it kind of snaps back together. "Honey, this is a laser device! Let me find you something else to use to read a book. And it would help a little to turn on the other lights in the room."

Next, I open it up to see that the "free" light has "expensive" single-use batteries. She complains that she needs something to help her read, so I agree to find her something that my newly purchased rechargeable AA batteries will work with (thinking greenly). Hold it now, rewind, let me repeat with a rephrasing: I am now spending money to replace something that came free in the mail. It was only later that I accidently discovered that there is a separate button that turns on the RED laser beam that comes blasting out a separate aperature, just missing my eye. Thats okay, I had two of them.

The Ancient Sport of Paw Ball: History, Rules & Scoring

History:

"Go East, Young Dog"

A long time ago (last year) my young dog Cooper would play "one way" soccer with me, always trying to move any object east as I would kick it west in the back yard. I couldn't get him to play the other direction. This eventually led to the dog bringing me a tennis ball while I was stationary and could stay in the shade, kind of in the corner of the patio, so I thought of "hand ball" while playing, watching him try to block in every way and body part imaginable, hence the name "paw ball". So "cool" is an underlying reason for the birth of this sport and the evolutionary development of its rules and practices. It also helps to have an aggressively athletic active dog.

Teams and Equipment:

Basics:

• One tennis ball
• One human
• One dog
• Designated concrete kick zone
• Rest of the back yard, or equivalent

Optional:

• Barriers to make it more challenging for the dog – i.e. lawn furniture, gnomes (not real – plastico or ceramic), flamingoes (not real - plastico), garden hose, etc
• Swimming pool to make it more challenging for the human.
• Lawn chair – yes, you can even play while seated.

Rules:

Human tries to kick the ball in one general direction from a mutually defined kicking zone, and the dog tries to prevent this activity. Care should be taken by the human to avoid kicking the ball into the dog. IF the dog chooses to use his body to block, that's the crazy dog's business, no penalty points against the human. Yes, there are points.

Scoring:

The game is lopsided in its actions of offense and defense: The human (offense) kicks the ball, while the dog (defense) tries to stop & limit the distance of travel, and return the ball as quickly as possible to the kicking zone. Each kick of the ball can result in zero to many points for the dog and/or the human.

Points for the Human:

• Kicking the ball into the swimming pool. Number of points depends on the size and distance of the pool from the kicking zone.
• If dog looses track of ball and human has to find it in the grass or barriers
• If ball makes it all the way to the farthest boundary of the playing field
• Moving the ball in such a minimal manner so that it rolls under the dog without him knowing it and he starts looking for the ball and is surprised to find it under him. There needs to be a clearly defined sense of dog surprise, i.e. head jerk or he says the canine equivalent of "That was awesome, dude!".
• If dog tries to catch ball more than twice while it is in motion during one kick.
• If dog outruns the ball by more than its body length
• If the ball changes directions (it has to bounce off a solid surface) more than 3 times before dog catches it.
• If the dog stumbles, trips and rolls into a cloud of dust. The louder it makes you laugh, the more points per dusty dog cloud.

Points for the Dog:

• Catching the ball in mid-air
• Catching the ball in mid-air after it has bobbled the ball in mid-air but the ball has not touched the ground
• Being completely off the ground when catching the ball in mid-air. The dog should always receive applause for this super-dog accomplishment.
• Stopping the ball before it has gone a certain distance – this is defined by the size & speed of the dog and playing field.

Penalty Points Against Dog:

• If dog barks in a sassy "Hurry Up You, Slow Poke" manner, unsportsdoglike conduct.

Penalty Points Against Human:

• If human kicks dog while trying to kick the ball

Tips for Playing

for Humans: Things To Do To Try To Trick Dog

• Make sudden noises before kicking ball, but remember, nothing sassy.
• Cooper has tendency as he is bringing the ball back to drop it as far away from me as possible and have it roll to the kick zone, which limits my ability to get it airborne. Therefore right before he gets ready to drop the ball to give to me, I start backing up so he continues toward me, then immediately after he drops the ball rush toward him to be able to get my foot under the ball to get some distance and height on the ball.
• Kick the ball gently to get it rolling then kick it a second time for distance.
• Say something tricky & distracting, like: "Is that a cat over there?"

for Dogs: Things To Do To Try To Trick Human

• Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff human ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.
• Ruff ruff ruff ruff growl ruff ruff ruff ruff rand run real rast.
• Snarl: ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff. Ruff ruff ruff ruff rasketrall ruff ruff rike Richael Rordan.

Final Note: I have never actually kept track of the points, but I usually win. Well, maybe. And it is my favorite time of day to tease the dog. - esbb

2007.09 - Variation - Introduce Squeaking, Counting & Regularity to the Game.

Equipment change: Use a squeaky ball

1. When the dog drops the ball, step on it for 3 squeaks
2. Count to 3 audibly at the same rate that you just squeaked the ball
3. Immediately kick the ball

Authors: Ernest S. B. Boston & Cooper the Dog
Game Creator: Cooper the Dog
Game Rules Version: 2007.09

Our Newly Remodeled Non-Duck Non-Pond

I drove by the MCD fast food place in Borger and it appeared to be in demolition mode, my first thought <YEA!!!>, but then <sigh>, I was disappointed to find out that it was being remodeled, another episode of 'Flip That Restaurant'. I was rather hoping that it was being torn down after a number of sub-par experiences with that particular store, both mine and others.

Later that day on my road trip I was thinking about what alternatives I would have picked if MCD would suddenly disappear, <poof>, and a new duck pond came to my mind. (Is that an equivalent form of the medical condition 'water on the brain' to suddenly 'think of a pond' ?) I believe our community already has at least 1 duck pond, no, maybe 2, with one private duck pond on the west side of town and one public duck pond on the south end at the park. Time for another one a little closer to the middle of town where the current MCD metal frame is being refurbished.

The zero-sum numeric transition of MCD 1->0 & Duck Ponds 2->3 sounds okay to me, and would probably be more beneficial to the health of the citizens of the community. And maybe spring up a new grass roots industry - if we start to get over run with duckies, then maybe we can open a "McQuackers & Crackers", say, a new fast food chain specializing in Chinese duck soup? There are already plenty of slaughter houses in our part of the world to handle the load with the panhandles of Texas and Oklahoma being quite the killing zones for non-humans.

We're on a roll now, folks! Because I live on the very east side of town, I suppose I should bear the en-compass-ing burden of establishing the "E" pond. Well, I do have lots of little froggies and dragon flies showing up this year in my garden, so I have some natural duck food to spare. Hmmm, I wonder if they like tomatoes too? I'm sure Cooper wouldn't mind giving up one of his two swimming pools, especially if there was the possibility of "Carne-a-Quacker" some time in the future.

Any volunteers for the north end of Borger?

I realize that MCD is the stock market symbol for a certain ginormous fast food chain, but it can also stand for our noble cause:
"Make a Change to Duck".

Quack.

A Salty Wet Flag in the Dark

What made me laugh hard today: I just read that Russia sent 2 submarines under the polar ice cap to plant a tiny rust-proof titanium Russian flag at the North Pole at a depth of several thousand feet.

Why did it take two? YEA, and what about the existing claims of Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and the Elves? And Superman? And Me?

If Baby Bear Makes a Noise in the Forest and Theres No One ...

Scene:
Papa Bear, Momma Bear, Baby Bear, and Daughter-in-Law Bear are having breakfast porridge.

Background:
Baby Bear has always been noisy with an object, any object available, for his entire life. Look at me, listen to me!!! Cubs and their chew toys and noise toys. It doesn't matter whether he was 2 or 3 or now 23. The Parent Bears have no idea how many ink pen devices (a favorite) he has destroyed in a mandibular munching manner. Click Click, Chew Chew, No Click.

Discussion:

• Daughter-in-Law Bear complains about the noise that Baby Bear (her husband) was making at breakfast this morning, and tells on him to Parent Bears that he also makes too much noise in church services, reminding us that we have failed a little bit in the raising of our cub.
• Momma Bear adds that she dislikes it when humans unwrap candy in church services, because they make so much noise.
• Baby Bear mentions that there is a concession stand at his church right before you go into the sanctuary.
• Daughter-in-Law Bear replies that it is a coffee stand, not a concession stand.
• Papa Bear sums it up with "Some churches have confessionals, others have concessionals"

Apocalypse Stew: I Love the Smell of Jalapeno on My Burning Palms in the Morning

The Love:

Actually it isn't the smell but rather the tingle of my skin for several tens of hours after dealing with the small green incendiary veggie devices, especially reminded as I put my hands under warm running water. Why love? Because it means that I probably made a batch of "White Chili" and it is just waiting for me in the frig to reheat a bowl. This is my recipe for White Chili, which is just basically Campbell's® Condensed Bean with Bacon Soup with just the right amount of Stuphph added.

The Stuphph:

• Evian® water for the soup
  
• The stewed meat of fresh tomatoes chopped up. Skin the tomatoes by putting them into boiling water (not Evian®) for about 30 seconds - they peel easier from this treatment of heat.
  
• Jalapeños - Chopped, then lightly cooked until tender - Keep separate from the main soup and add to each bowl of soup as needed, jalapeños vary so much in their punch/kick. Put a little bit of the liquid of the cooked peppers into the soup while cooking.
  
• Boiled chicken tenders seasoned with plenty of Tabasco® Sauce while cooking, then shredded before adding to soup
• A little bit of brown sugar
• Optional: Add a small amount of sauteed finely chopped baby carrots
  

Figure out for yourself what the right amount of each Stuphph-ing should be. I am too numb for numbers this early in the morning ... What? ... Oh, you're right, it is almost noon.

Ouch, I just rubbed my eye with my hand. Residual epidermal fire lurks. No love.

Are You Talking to Me or the Dog?

Thats almost a Robert De Niro quote, but I have never seen the movie, 'Taxi Driver', just the snippet of a sound bite, so I've heard 0.069% of the movie several times in my life without knowing it.

"Shut the door when you leave, the light is shining in my eyes", came a low rumbling feminine noise from the bedroom this morning. Leave??? I left the bedroom a few hours ago, and I am standing over the stove cooking and confused, when I realize that the wife has just been talking to the dog who came into see me just now - probably heard Ante Meridiem food prep noises, smelled the eggs. This is a common type of question in our house.

"You talkin' to me?" - Robert De Niro in the movie 'Taxi Driver'
"Are you talking to me or the dog?" - Tamie to Ernest in real life
"Are you talking to me or the dog or yourself?" - Ernest to Tamie in real wife

Dear Texas DOT: Wrong Sign, Wrong Place

Dear Texas Department of Transportation,

As I was driving to Amarillo I noticed a herd of antelope off to the side of the road, and mentioned them to my wife, "Look, there are some near-deer"

"Those are antelopes" replied the wife.

I mentioned that Anthony Bourdain was cooking some pronghorn antelope on TV just the night before in New York City, of all places. Then a few seconds later I see this deer crossing sign, and I realize that the state of Texas has chosen the wrong sign for this location, especially since we are driving within a few miles of Antelope Creek and Antelope Peak off to the east and north of us. And then just a few seconds later there is another black and yellow sign, this time of a truck, warning about trucks jumping out into the lane of traffic, I guess for some mining facility. So I decided to remake & combine both signs and help out the state of Texas at my own expense and put up this new sign. I even adjusted the antlers and tail so they are more antelopesqe.

I know you guys are busy fixing the road in this region and probably short on cash (as always), so don't worry about reimbursing me for my expenses, my treat. If you would like a few more signs, just let me know. Maybe a combo of trucks with turkeys?

Gobble gobble.

<<<Disclaimer : This is really a practical joke - no sign or properties of the State of Texas were modified in the making of this blog post - esbb >>>

Redneck Wife/Plumber

You just might have a redneck wife if her solution to a kitchen plumbing problem involves string, a strategically placed wood screw, and tension.

Hare v. Tortoise Race

The Race
Hare v. Tortoise
Rabbit v Turtle (for People who use common words)
Wabbit v Toitle (for Elmer Fudd)

Do you ever feel that sometimes your life is like the story of the race between the Hare and Tortoise? Maybe the underlying story is the Tortoise is just walking somewhere, any where, and some Hare comes along and turns it into a race with great fanfare and TV coverage and prizes only for the winner, and you (the Tortoise/Turtle/Toitle) are totally oblivious and mentally incapable of understanding what on earth the Hare is up to except that he/she/it is very annoying and is as meaningful to your life as the most recent mosquito that tried to be your "beast" friend.

One of My Favorite 36 Cu Ft Chunks of the Universe Doesn't Exist Anymore

So this is my version of
'Out of Africa'

I once had a flower garden, that was 3 ft by 3 ft by 4 ft tall, completely filled with carrot plants and blooms. They have a tendency to come back every year and I trimmed it down to a 3x3 square and then watched it take off toward the sky like the guy from 'Jack and the Bean Stalk'. Most of the people that I know that have grown carrots for food have never seen a carrot bloom. This is the best picture that I have from 2005, and it doesn't really show the true splendor of the larger blooms, which remind me of a tree from the African plain. No pictures of the 3x3x4 massif. Oh, and they are hardy in the winter time, sometimes you would see this green poking up through the snow in the backyard in the dead of winter, and its a carrot looking for the sun.

(As I proof-read this I tried to sound like Meryl Streep, well, the Danish O-o-A version of M.S.)

Doggie Bloggie

Cooper

Male

Age 2

Half German Sheppard / Huskie


Mental Health Issues:

• Claustrophobic - Hate my dog house
  
• Must have enough space to go in circles, counter-clockwise, before laying down
  
• Can't seem to stop chasing my tail, which I always do in a clockwise motion
  
• Identity Crisis - Confused by my new nickname "Bubba"
  

General Info & Interests & Hobbies

Exploring the Universe (The backyard and the things I see through the cracks in the fence)
Any toy that squeaks, preferably complex sounds - I'm a Mozart Mutt
Writing a book: 'Tennis Ball Physics for Doggies' -

• Experimenting with buoyancy with a tennis ball in my swimming pool
• Learning about inclined planes by dropping a tennis ball on the roof of my dog house and watching it go zooooom.

Impersonations - I pretend I am a Kodiak bear catching salmon in my swimming pool
Playing "Paw Ball" with Ernie
Linguistics - trying to get these !@$%^&*() humans to understand me; Ernie seems to be coming along pretty good, but Tamie (?), who knows, some day maybe
Gardening - I like to help Ernie by pulling weeds with my teeth
Soccer with Folger's Coffee Cans (plastico)
UFO's - playing frisbee with Folger's Coffee Can lids (plastico)
Ripping the caps off water bottles
Helping with the laundry, although these humans think I am not much help
Pole climbing for cheese
Killing birds (aH Ha - got 2, don't know what the season limit is though) I learned this trick by watching the movie "8 Below"
Killing cats (failed miserably at this so far in life)
Killing scorpions ( 1 )
Killing tarantulas ( 1 )
Killing time by snoozing just waiting for Ernie to play with me
I will shred anything that I think is mine

Vocabulary (I pretend to understand) -
No, Down, Sit, Cheese, Milk, Buffalo, Ball, Tamie, Ernie, Outside, Play,
Otter Position, Coffee Can, Pizza, Drop It !!!!

Music - What's that?
Food - DiGiorno's Spicy Chicken Supreme pizza and buffalo burgers
Movies - '8 Below'
Television - watching myself on video, I'm so cute, well, not really, I just pretend to be cute as long as they keep feeding me
Books - only tore up 2 so far
Books - "Go,Dog,Go" by P.D. Eastman ISBN 978-0394800202
Heroes - Ernie

Status: Incarcerated - Confined by leash and/or fence
Here for: To show off
Orientation: Without Them
Hometown: Borger TX
Body Type: Furry White Wolf-like
Ethnicity: Other
Zodiac Sign: Unknown
Children: Don't like em
Education: Home Schooled
Occupation: Home Security & Entertainment
My Favorite Spot: Curled up & being a 62 lb lap dog
Income: Trust Fund Baby

Goals and Aspirations:

• Releasing My Inner Coyote
• Playing Outfield for a major league baseball team as soon as they change to something soft like a tennis ball. Oooo, another chapter for my book 'Tennis Ball Physics for Doggies' -> Gravity, Balls & Parabolas.
  

I Dream About:
Purina "Kittens, Birdies & Elk" mix

People I'd Like to Meat:
Veterinarians

Cooper's Friend Space
Cooper has 6 Friends
Ernie
Tamie
Brandon
Laura
Brynna
Linnie
Deryenda

Cooper has 1 ~Not-So-Friendly Friend
Brian

My Least Favorite Words: When Ernie says "Bye-Bye"

Create Your Own Starbuck-ish Name

The last time my older son came home, he just happened to watch my wife make her coffee, but could not see the coffee in the cup under the mound of Coffee Mate that had just been dumped on it unstirred. "My GOSH, how much do you put in there ?!?!?" So I/We came up with our own fancy Euro-name for her coffee - "Mont Blanc"

My New Self Help Book Title: Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian

Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian

Chapter Titles
* Souls - Chickens Don't Got 'Em
* Water
* Chicken
* Heat
* Mix
* Veggies
* Semi-Veggies
* Chicken in the Shape of a Veggie
* Just Dilute It a Whole Bunch, No One Will Ever Know
* Ha-Ha! You're Not a Vegetarian Anymore!
* Pass This Book Onto Someone Else and Ruin Their Life

List of Possible Christmas Gifts for Me - 2006

I noticed that the wife was making out a present list for different people and she had nothing (of course) under my name so I filled in some things for her:

* Porsche - an entire factory if she asks
* Yugoslavia - I really don't think it exists as a country anymore, so that should take a little extra effort, make the gift more meaningful
* Mars - either the planet or a candy bar, just a candy bar and not the entire factory this time, I'm kinda hungry now for something sweet
* Fibreglass - no explanation
* Ohio - again, no explanation
* Disneyland
* Enslave the entire subcontinent of India.

95 Cents Worth of Unhappiness at MCD

So here are my tales of pig sandwiches of my last 2 visits to MCD. I think that McRibs are great, but I think they have increased the price a little this time around. I went to the Borger store and ordered an Extra Value meal and saw that it was $3.80 on the glossy sign, but then I saw the total after tax on my credit card slip was just a little too high. I finally convinced them that they had charged me 10 cents too much but I really didn't want to do something with my credit card just to get 10 cents back and the owner just happened to swing by to say that someone had forgot to change the sign on Sunday because it was supposed to be 3.90 So I eat my messy wonderful sandwich, but I am 11 cents unhappier, that includes the tax. It is hard to describe/measure 11 cents worth of unhappiness, its a slight twinge maybe, a little less sparkle in my eye. So just 3 days later I am in Amarillo, still in Texas, and decide to fulfill my pork desire in a cheap fast way and head to MCD. I get there and the glossy sign of my pork sandwich (I look carefully) has a $4.29 (the price part is not glossy), man, that is about 10% higher for the same exact product, and when I mention it to the guy who is taking my order the girl right next to him mentions bluntly that this MCD has a different owner and they can charge whatever they want. Ok-dokey-artichokee were my thoughts, I am in a hurry to get back to the hospital anyway, I still want my not-quite-as-cheap pork so I tell him I would like the McRib Extra Value meal with a Dr Pepper, I read it directly off the sign, notice the fine print that it is supposed to have reg fries and drink. Well, a few minutes later these large fries show up and a larger drink than normal and I look at my credit card slip and they have supersized me (and trust me, you can tell by looking that I don't need to be supersized ANY more, EVER more, again in my entire life) and I have to explain to them about three times that this is not what I ordered and they are going back and forth between me and reading the sign, and I finally give up and realize that I can selectively pick out the best french fries so it is not all that bad, but I had already planned on Starbucks before going back, certainly didn't need the drink. So I sit down at this table in MCD, and I begin to notice that the sound (lets not go so far as to say music) coming out the speaker in the ceiling was somewhere from the middle of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, about 3 seconds worth only that 3 seconds repeated about 6 times, and then there was a pause, then back to RtRNRD, pause. It was just low enough that the person sitting at the next table could not hear it when I first asked him. Then a little while later he thought he could maybe hear it, but then he may have just been playing along with the old guy with BBQ sauce on his chin at the next table. I should have gone to look in the mirror in the restroom, I am sure I can detect 95 cents of unhappiness.

Time for mo' coffee .....