One Summer Was OK

I remember getting dirty in OK(-lahoma) as a child. We lived there briefly when I was around seven as my mother finished her education for being a teacher.

I remember milk being delivered door-to-door, ordering chocolate milk with just a slip of paper!

I remember collecting tadpoles at my second cousin's place, a huge collection.

I remember his small fountain dispensor for Coca-Cola.

I remember learning about how graveyards "worked" for the first time and cried.

I remember watching my infant brother simultaneously enjoy eating watermelon and wiping out a diaper.

One summer, probably my eighth one.

---

My aunt asked me if I was writing a novel.

My response:

I am always writing something. I think this particular piece is my 316th blog post in 45 months, which doesn't include my 9 collections of 100 MySpace & Facebook status, with a few uncollected things as well. I really need to finish a poem called "Sam Sang A Song Into My Samsung Phone", but I have just been a little too busy during the last probably two years since I started and almost completed it, plus the rhyming patterns are very complex and Dr Seuss-like. At least I finally got the "Moonshine" episode published for my space alien alter ego novel-in-episodes put online recently, but still have a couple episodes floating in my head, including one where I reveal where Obama really was "born", as well as one 'complete' motion picture screenplay. And there is the musical called "Wahoo! Nebraska!" about a guy trying to write a musical about Wahoo, NE but he fails miserably at it and its really just about living in Texas and the adventures with his dog. I'm just busy selling [Vibram FiveFingers] shoes at the moment, but hopefully get to come to SoDak soon to see you.

How Apple Stole 692 iPads from Us

How terrible! Apple Inc told me what the dimensions were for my IPad screen and I was perfectly haPPy with things UNTIL just a few moments ago I noticed that the screen wasn't a perfect rectangle, it has rounded off CORNERS!

So if each iPad is missing maybe 8 pixels from each corner, that would be 32 per iPad so ... Hold it, I have to run off to get more info to comPlete this silly thought, be back in a moment ...

Info From Apple: 1024-by-768-pixel resolution at 132 pixels per inch (ppi) ... so that would be 786,432 pixels total per screen. So 32 lost or stolen pixels would mean there is a "missing" iPad for every (786432 divided by 32 = 24576) 24576 iPads that are produced. Now off to find how many iPads have been made ....

Missing: 692

It aPPears there are around 17 million iPads in the world aPProximately at this moment, so 17 million divided by 24576 = 692 (rounded off to a whole number) missing iPads based on stealing 32 pixels per screen. I chose the number 8 (per corner) because a corner pattern of 4,2,1,1 missing pixels was about the smallest that I could imagine that would give a rounded corner effect.

Example Using an X for Each Pixel:

X X X X.

X X.

X.

X.

I thought that a pattern of 2,1 wouldn't be as round. So I might be off on the number of pixels per corner, which would change the number of missing iPads. I may be able to create a simPle drawing to test the math. More later today when I can work from a real PC with Paint in order to draw at the pixel level, then pull it up on my iPad for a comParison.

I would have used a division sign of DOBOD, dot-over-bar-over-dot, instead of the words "divided by", but Apple Inc didn't provide one on their keyboard, just + - and * (for multiplication) .... well, I guess there is the "/" character available for division, sorry, my bad, forgot about that, oh well, just pretend this paragraph doesn't exist, like the corners of your screen.

I can hoPe that no one writes a serious story about any inaccuracies in my 2 AM silly story that under or over-estimates the number of The Missing iPads. Blame it on insomnia. I am pretty sure homeless peoPle are still a larger real problem and they need our helP more than The Mysteriously Missing 692 iPixel iPackages. So the next time you see a rounded corner on anything that should be square, give a dollar to the next homeless person that you meet. They could probably use a square meal.

Death By Cinnamon

> I <  am attempting to overdose on Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire Hard Candy. 

So far, its not working.

I have at least accomplished my sub-goal of 'welding' two pieces of candy together in my mouth!

Now adding a third piece ...>   <

Several seconds later ‎... DONE !!!

‎(sorry, no photos)

Uh-Oh, my tongue got too wild and it broke apart. Repair process initiATEd .....

Several seconds later ‎... done

(trust me, you don't wanna see photos)

From Friend Number One: My favorite flavor!

Response to Friend Number One: mine too ! It helps me stay on my "diet"

Friend Number Two said: "Ooo! YUM!"

WMT has them for $2.14 for a 13 oz (368 g) package. They were over twice as expenpensive at the groc store. Tamie likes them too. The last ingredient on the list is 'Sulfur Dioxide' - a poisonous gas! - with its stated use of 'to maintain freshness'.

Oops, sorry, got carried away typing 'expensive' in the previous paragraph, I had accidentally hit the C instead of V earlier and maybe retyped extra stuff as well. Headache land.

I dialed the 1-800-468-1714 phone number on the side of the bag hoping for a suicide help desk, but itz just customer service at JolRanLyCher, a division of Hershey's, and open only M-F, 9-4 EST, now, what kinda suicide hotline is that!!!! (just teasing, I didn't really dial the number - I just ate another piece of can-dy)

(Just in case you were confused, my feeble attempt at artwork >   < was supposed to be a piece of Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire candy with the > and < on the ends being the twisted plastic wrapper BUT the browser puts a funny line on top of the candy in certain Browsers like FireFox BUT it looks okay INSIDE the WYSIWYG editor of Blogger. Frustrating)

Jehoviah, Clean Up At Counter Number Four

Laughter finds me. Laughter defines me. Laughter hunts me down and tackles me and confines me in a hilarious twisted ball of pain, good momentary pain, sometimes, and I take down innocent victims with me in a whirlpool of fool swirl, and in this case, girls gasping for oxygen hanging on for some sense of verticality.

All the innocent victims of this true tale are female and young except me.

Blame it on dessert; blame it partially on a desert.

I am at the groc store at the end of an eXtra long and tiring day of noble accomplishments on a final mission, the sole purpose to find I Scream -only vanilla will do- for peach cobbler that is supposed to be baking at home.

I get to the checkout line with the ice cream plus a recharge of frozen cobbler for the future. Person A checks my items and Person J (not B - more later) asks me if I want paper or plastic, just as Person C walks up and tells Person J,

"You know what, I tried to find your name in -[something, maybe Facebook: I don't remember what it was that Person C was searching - the word got lost in the following mayhem, and it doesn't really matter] and I couldn't find it because I thought your name was Je-ho-vi-ah.", pronouncing it slowly.

Instantly the eyes of Person E (me), Person A twisting around, and Person J are tightly focused on J's name tag which she flips up to read for herself, her own name upside down as if she had forgotten who she was, and all three of us immediately realize that there is NO "H" -OR- "V" on the inside of Person J's real name in order to even generate the sounds for middle 'Jehoviah'.

Person J exclaims "WHAT?!?!?" and we all crack up laughing really hard, with Person J finally regaining a little composure to ask Person C "how on earth did you get 'Jehoviah' out of my name J_____h?" but before Person C could answer her, Person E (me) said,

"In the entire history of mankind no one has ever used the word 'Jehoviah' until just now, its been rolling around in her head (pointing at Person C) for awhile to be revealed in a Raiders Of The Lost Ark sort of way " - new round of laughter causes Person A to double over onto the checkout counter almost flipping onto the floor, exclaiming, "oh my stomach hurts so bad!" - Person E continues barely able to stand, noticing the person behind me in line, also female, is now lightly laughing too, "but there was that time about 4,000 years ago when the Jews were wandering around in the wilderness and when one of them would use the word 'Jehoviah' instead of [The Correct Form of The Word] someone would point at them" - and Person E (me) pointed his right index finger at Person J - "and would say, 'his throat is dry, QUICK!, get him a drink of water!" - which sent our now growing groaning group of laughterers spiraling out of control with Person J stumbling in circles clutching her abdomen, I just knew somebody was going to get fired for laughing too hard, - then Person E (me) finished, "but she [now pointing at Person C] has brought this Word back to us, and we thank you".

A fresh round of laughter and body gyrations with verbal pain moan complaints sends the group to grab hold of the nearest railing or railing equivalents for support as if a localized earthquake had struck our tiny part of the globe. It had. An L wave of Laughter.

I finally got my credit card to work, while we all slowly regained our composure in fits and starts and giggles, and Person J accompanied me to the exit door of the groc store trying to close down for the evening. She said, "I hope we made your day", laughing, handing me my sack of frozen goodies and Person E (still me) said, "Well, at least you learned how to properly mispronounce your name, Jehoviah, I mean, J_____h"

I coughed all the way home, dangerously close to being violently sick and my throat hurt for a few hours. Relief only came eventually with enough vanilla I Scream and cobbled peaches.

&^)

A Window-Window Situation

Several weeks ago a drunk driver smashed a pickup truck into a west side window of a restaurant across the street from our business. He only went about a block from the bar on Main Street and I believe that he also hit two other vehicles before jumping the very high curb into the window.

But he appears to be a very "obedient" drunk driver. He may have been confused by "instructions" from the giant sign with bright yellow letters, way high up on the south side of the restaurant:

'Drive Thru Window'

A friend made mention of the drunk driver that smashed into her house about a year ago causing extensive damage to her home and wiping out one of her vehicles.

My Response: I agree, your acci-dent was significantly more exciting. Its a good thing you didn't have a "Drive Thru Window" sign on the side of your house, the drunk driver might have tried to use it as an excuse. I might recommend installing a DTW sign, complete with lights, (maybe neon?) on a nearby neighbors house just in case an obedient drunk driver comes Thru your neighborhood looking for a Window. But a tree, preferably a stout one, would be safer than a house as a sign mount. Well, maybe not for the driver.

Invention: Maybe drunk drivers would respond to a bright light the same way an insect is attracted to a light at night. You could mount a GPS-navigation-computer controlled light (like a heads up display in a military aircraft) in the "cockpit" of the drunk drivers car. Then when he got ready to go home he could punch a single house shaped button on the dash. The light could indicate which direction to turn the wheel, maybe even help with the gas and brake pedals, too. (Of course pushing the house shaped button could also call the cops AND disable his ignition system)

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

An Ibuprophen, A Tylenol and An Advil Walk Into A Bar-rier

Strrrange Dream:

My ex-boss gives me an ibuprophen, Tylenol, and Advil at the same time.

I begin choking on them.

He doesn't notice.

I quote fix unquote myself.

I notice a fourth pill.

"What iz thiz oze?"

"Which oze?"

"Thiz oze?"

"I don't kzow, juzt take all of them"

"Okay"

I don't choke the next time.

This time he notices that I don't choke and mentions it.

(Yes, the letter 's' and 'n' were rotated in some places in the lines of dialogue in my dream. Maybe it was because I was asleep, "zzzzz", ???, who knows. The particular ex-boss in this dream is actually a very nice person and would never hurt me. I didn't mention his name on purpose.)

Dream Link: The Next Dream in My Blog

Air Traffic Game Controllers

My solution for air traffic controllers who fall asleep on the job: Have them work on a variable speed treadmill that someone else controls instead of a desk. Then if they fall asleep it probably won't be for long. (Head goes BAM!!!) It would probably be a great selling Wii game, and turn ATControllers into super athletes. Then there would be salary deals, agents and tournaments.

I'm beginning to smell lotza money!!!

Install video cameras so we can watch ATControllers on internet web cams as well. Perhaps there could be a reward system for catching an ATController falling asleep? A reality teleBision show maybe, with teams? I'm hoping there are no islands involved though, or mazes to race. Just treadmills.

I figure if a semi-elderly John Madden can keep having "new" football games from year to year, then I should get in on the action too with "Ernest S B Boston's AirTrafCon 2011" for Wii, Playstation, and X-Box.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

Portuguese Version: Controladores de Jogos de Tráfego Aéreo

Schrödinger's New Improved Cat

I think I figured out a solution to the physics thought problem "Schrödinger's Cat" after reading a news article this morning, "Scientists Teleport Schrödinger's Cat". BUT, surprise surprise, there was no actual cat involved, only light.

I propose to put a door handle on the inside of Schrödinger's box and then train a cat to open the door on command. The command is sent by using a cell phone with a ring tone that the cat understands as the signal to open the door. If I can't find a cat that is smart enough to do this task then a dog will be auditioned instead. My news headline, if successful, will be "Scientist Telephones Schrödinger's Pet".

I wasn't sure which ring tone to use for sure, but then I thought that another experiment to do first would be to play various teleBision commercials for feline products and see if any of them give a consistent positive response from a cat. Perhaps the Meow Mix commercial, that sounds like a good place to start.

But because I deeply care for dogs I will not let a dog volunteer to do the experiment until he completely understands the risks involved (death) and the dog can clearly communicate that understanding in English. The dog doesn't necessarily have to be able to speak, any form of valid communication such as sign language or typing on a computer keyboard would be equally acceptable.

Reference about a group of scientists claiming to have transported Schrödinger's Cat. See link: News Story

Here is a link to the wikipedia article on Schrödinger's Cat: To Meow Or Not To Meow, That Is The Question

Of course I figured you could always just get really close to the box and yell, "CAT, GET OUT OF THE BOX BEFORE YOU DIE!!!"

Update: I just saw a great T-shirt at SNORGTEES. It has a picture of a cat on an Old West style wanted poster, with the words [Wanted - Dead & Alive - Schrödinger's Cat] notice, that was an ampersand, (i.e. "AND"), not the word "OR". Love it! It would be great if they had it in inventory AND didn't have it in your size.

Link to T-shirt

What I Did On My Summer Vacation: Fooled NASA

Episode 6

When I first heard about the NASA project to look for water on the moon I was humored, because I had already been to the moon several times just as soon as I had my Morgan utility building coverted to a spacec-raft. I even built a spacesuit for Cooper. Getting a dog into a spacesuit turned out to be a difficult task, but we finally made it. He didn't enjoy the trip to the moon but really enjoyed playing ball on the moon and jumping really high. We go back every couple of weeks. The thirty minute lunar trip by MMB - Modified Morgan Building is actually faster than going by car to the veterinarian for his annual visit.

I had already searched all over the moon, including the dark side and found no significant amounts of water. So I made another trip to both poles just to be sure - nope - didn't find any. Surprisingly I did find Santa Claus at the North Pole of the moon! (Not really, just kidding.)

But then later I came up with a great practical joke of hauling water to the moon so that when they measured for water, NASA would find water there. I inflitrated their computer systems to find the exact location they planned to smash their projectile into the surface of the moon. The dust raised by the projectile would then be analyzed by a second NASA spacecraft right behind the projectile.

I began hauling several thousand gallons of water by using a railroad tanker hooked to the MMB and draining a half inch of water from the Lake Meredith reservoir in the process. The tank was insulated so the water wouldn't freeze until it got to the moon. So the water turned to a mixture of ice chunks and snow during the spray process at the lunar polar cap. I used a special netting process to be sure that no significantly sized animals were harmed in the process of getting the lake water. The last thing I need is for PETA to be on my case. Its bad enough having the federal bad boys trying to find you all the time.

But then I eXpanded the practical joke. I realized that the analyzer would be scanning for molecules besides water so I decided to add another ingredient to the lunar ice - Tang !!! I researched where to find some and found out where NASA actually had stored several hundred thousand pounds of Tang leftover from the Apollo missions. I realized it would have been far far easier to just make my own Tang using nano-factory technology, but I thought it would be more interesting to have NASA "discover" their own Tang without realizing it was theirs. So stealing half of their Tang supply from a warehouse in Alabama was accomplished in about a week including the time it took to spread it around the surface on the lunar ice layer.

I was pretty well pleased with my great practical joke BUT then I came up with an even better idea than the Tang ingredient. Why not put moonshine on the moon?!?!? I knew that the water analyzer would be able to pick up an ethyl alcohol molecule as well AND the chemical analyzer used light in the instrumentation detector process, so light=shine, moon, moonshine! Perfect!

I decided to make the alcohol on earth and then haul it to the moon. I was starting to run out of time so I stole, excuse me, borrowed another railroad car. After delivering the moonshine to the moon, I reconstructed a moonshine operation that I found in the backwoods of Alabama not far from the Tang warehouse. I thought it would be great fun to turn NASA into a branch of the ATF, (Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms) by having them unknowingly smash a moonshine still operation with their projectile.

So the next time you look at the moon and it appears to have a bit of orange color at the bottom, the tinge is Tang.

Ah Mom, All The Other Kids Are Getting Space Shuttles!

Ah, I just found out that I missed out for the bidding process for a used space shuttle from NASA.

Oh well, at least I have my Morgan brand utility building turned into a space craft, but with the price of diesel, I don't use it as much. See story episode #2:
'No, I Am The Sultan of Swing'
- in the adventures of my space alien alter ego.

Link: no-i-am-the-sultan-of-swing

Response from a Friend: What would you do with a space shuttle?

Response to Friend: What would I do with a space shuttle? Why, practically everything!

A) Get groceries
B) Carport for my Ford F-350 monsta' truck
C) Slightly deeper pool for Cooper
D) Cruise Main Street on Saturday evenings
E) Compete with my neighbors for who has the noisier vehicle [AND win!]
F) After blowing away the neighbors with rocket exhaust at 106 Mozwacht Street, I can buy their land for a place to park my space shuttle instead of leaving it on the street disguised as an RV
G) By owning 102, 104, and then 106 Mozwacht it would allow me to have a mathematically averaged street address of 104 Mozwacht, the original homestead.
H) Ponies!
I) Bunnies!
J) Kitties! (Oh, sorry, that should have been Lions, Tigers and Bears)
K) Rescue damsels in distress
L) Start a tree trimming business. Again rocket exhaust, only this time selectively well positioned eXtremely short bursts.

Response from Niece: I think it's safe to speak for everyone and we are glad you didn't end up with a space shuttle ;)

Response to Niece: B-b-b,but [first name goes here], I was gonna leave it to YOU in my will

&^(

Update: M) Start an eXclusive bed and breakfast (this idea came from another friend who suggested that people would want to spend the night in the shuttle and I like it really well -> $$$$)

&^)

Presidential Sculpture Swapping

I decided to write something different for a change. Actually, it's about change: swapping presidential sculptures

I stopped by our retail store in the middle of several errands. The clerk mentioned that she was close to running out of pennies. So I told her I would get some at the bank.

But several minutes later after I had paid for my coffee at the convenience store AND after I had been to the bank I saw the "penny exchange bucket" by the cash register. It jogged my memory about the penny request from my clerk. There were exactly five pennies in the little bucket, and I had a nickel in my hand, so I swapped them. I thought, "five pennies are better than none".

Suddenly the tall C-store clerk sternly demanded to know what I was doing. I told her I had swapped the pennies for a nickel, and I pointed to the single coin in the bucket. She exclaimed, "those pennies are for our customers!"

I thought it was incredulous that someone, a grown adult especially, would be so concerned over something that people in our society THROW AWAY on a regular basis. And I had exchanged them for exact value, I hadn't stole anything. I simply said a single statement, "sorry" - AND - left with my pennies.

After leaving the C-store I suddenly realized on my walk back to my truck that technically the pennies really aren't the property of the C-store, they are a simple exchange mechanism performed by the masses of customers on a good will basis. Those pennies are actually owned by no one!

After I drove a couple blocks, and only after I had taken at least two drinks of the coffee, I suddenly cracked up laughing while looking at the cup of coffee in my hand that I had PURCHASED at the C-store - realizing I was one of the "OUR" cUstOmeRs !

A Door Able In Security

I went to sign a paper yesterday on the 3rd floor of a bank building. It was at a business separate from the bank that occupies the first floor. But I had momentary trouble getting inside. The middle pair of the outside front doors of the set of four were locked. So I tried the left most door. Unlocked, fine, I was able to enter the building. There is another inner set of four locked doors to the bank lobby. Eight doors total, with an open foyer between the outer four and inner four.

A Visual:
[all four outer GLASS][ doors, locked or ][unlocked, open to][ the exact same foyer]

I was curious about why some of the outer doors were locked.

I knocked on the locked inner doors (it was late enough in the afternoon for the bank lobby to be closed) and a bank employee came over to talk to me. I asked why the middle doors of the 4 outside doors were locked. She told me they were for bank customers, and the bank lobby was closed, and that the left outer door was for the businesses on the 2nd and 3rd floors. I asked her if she thought this situation was funny. She said "no".

So The Weak Can No

There are billboards in Amarillo TX USA announcing the return of Jesus on May 21st, 2011. There is a website at WeCanKnow(DOT)com for the organization. I saw they also have trucks wandering around with messages on the sides. There is a way to make donations. The organization is ran by an 89 year old civil engineer.

((( 89 years? ... thinkthinkthink ... clickclickclick ... hmmm, that would be about 4.4 percent of Jesus' current age. I know several people who are about 4 percent of my age. )))

Of course he also has a previous book published in 1992 titled "1994?" that accurately predicted Sept 6th, 1994 for the same return.

I checked to see if there are any birthdays (dates we can actually know with some certainty) of some famous people that occurred on May 21st. I found:

• Jeffrey Dahmer (serial killer)
  
• Mr T. (actor - real name Laurence Tureaud)
  
• Al Franken (comedic writer and junior senator from Minnesota)
  
• Raymond Burr (actor from Perry Mason and Ironsides)
  

I predict that these birthdays are probably correct.

The other strange thing I saw this morning was a stuffed animal with a smile across the room from me at a place of business downtown (not ours). I couldn't tell what it was at first, then on closer inspection I saw that it was a white sheep with fake pink bunny ears.  Then later I discovered that Sheepbunny is animatronic - if you press the ON/OFF switch hidden inside it's left foot it will dance and sing the "Easter Parade" song. A sure sign of the end times.

The Why Intercept of Stupidity

My friend mentioned: Now days, no-one remembers when they were young and stupid......

My Question: I've tried to maintain an exact level of stupidity so that would make age a linear factor, and it would plot as a straight line, so do I just look for the Y-intercept?

My friend answered, "Yes."

A Flock of Aflac Flak

My choice for the new Aflac Duck voice, if it can't be me: Ben Stein

‎"Bueller? .. Bueller? .. Bueller?"

When I said the B?B?B? line just now with Ben's voice it activated the launch sequence of the once peaceful snoozing pup, now wanting to go outside to play.

&^)

Don't worry Aflac management, I would never make bad jokes about the Japanese people when they were in crisis mode, I'm smarter and nicer than G.G.

Go Ahead and Trademark Everything

I think I will trademark the phrase "I'm Glad I'm Not Charlie Sheen"

I should slap it on a T-shirt and have the words circling a drain with the very first part of the sentence just barely going over the edge .. s^wir\, s_wirl ... .. .

On the back side I could put "Charlie lost his teleBision show and now all I've got is this lousy T-shirt"

If I could think of a creative way to do it, I would put two and a half sleeves on the shirt.

Or maybe just:

"Wining & Whining!"

Sneaky Leaky Happiness

Happiness sometimes abounds
at just beyond our boundaries,
but its sound is found to be sneaky
and must leak back around with ease.

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog

Me - The King of Central Switzerland

France should invade central Switzerland. Why? The country of Lebanon was once known as "The Switzerland of the East" for it's banking activities. It's capital of Beirut was also known as "The Paris of the Middle East". If anyone objects, France could always say it was just part of their conquest, oops, I mean, Liberation of Libya.

After France takes control of the middle of SwitZerland they should rename it "Zer", which I feel is the nearly perfect name for the region. Of course if they wanted to name it after me for coming up with this most brilliant plan, they could go for the very heart of SwitzErland and name it "E".

(Several of my friends call me "E", not that I actually encourage this behavior. Ernest->Ernie->Ern->E. Linguistic laziness. But if they declare me the King of Zer, it'll be okay, as long as I don't have to move there. I'm nice and warm and toasty in my bed right now with a head cold and associated aches and pains, so if they could just send some money to handle my recent diesel fuel bill increase, that would be okay. After all, that is the main real reason why France invaded Libya. And do they still make cuckoo clocks in Zer? If not, have them send me a fancy hand crafted eXpensive watch.)

Chicken Enchilada Volumetric-ky Difference-all Equations

I have different levels of competency for the variety of fields in mathematics. One that I don't understand is 'Chicken Enchilada Mathematics'.

A local restaurant charges $5.29 for one CE with chips, hot sauce, beans and rice. Plus a very tiny amount of lettuce, let's not really call it a salad. Add a 2nd enchilada for $1.40, add a 3rd for $1.00 more, BUT a 4th enchilada costs an ADDitional $3.28 (?!?!?)

Please bear in mind that nothing else changes as they add more CE. The amount of beans, rice, chips, ice water, napkins, forks, spoons, fluorescent lighting and air all stay the same. I am just trying to have a little more to take home to my dog for his evening meal.

I even clarified the ticket with two people just to be sure they were charging the "correct amount".

My wife asked me, "we aren't going to stop going there just because of this, are we -(?!?!?)- You can find something else to feed Cooper." She likes the less crowded atmosphere versus other places in town. I told her that we would continue to go there because I love their hot sauce. But the 3 enchilada meal at the more quote "expensive" unquote previous restaurant probably has a greater volume of food than the escalated exponentially inflationary 1-2-3-4 CE meal which I'm sure is now more expensive, for essentially the same quality & ingredients meal. Again, hot sauce quality is the crucial deciding factor.

Oh my, I just heard someone on teleBision turn 'fajita' into a VERB with

" ... just fajita-erize 'em ... "

translated as

'to cut meat into fajita size and shaped portions'

Thanks Emeril L. for the chuck L.

The Toilet Paper Theft

While I was in the check-out line at the store one of my "friends" from my previous job secretly stole my toilet paper. Then he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You aren't supposed to just be leaving your stuff laying everywhere around the store", and I looked around to find that he had placed the TP on a shelf a few feet away.

So I told him, "You know, I would normally take you outside and beat the soup out of you but as luck would have it", and I held up my sack of groceries with the can of cream of chicken, "I already bought soup today". But then his cell phone rang and he had to stop teasing me except during the first few seconds of his conversation where he explained to the caller how he was being creatively mean to me.

So I pushed my shopping cart of things to our SUV and put them in the vehicle. When I was pushing the empty shopping cart back to the store I saw his vehicle, so I gave him the "gift" of Wire Mesh and Wheels, always a nice present in the month of March, and put the shopping cart in the back of his pickup truck, a new toy in his old Toyota.

Bag of Phones by Even Rings

The Freedom of Speech lawyer-wanna-be-part-of-me suddenly realized there is probably a sneaky way to get around the "No Cell Phones in Cars" rule that is a local ordinance for our school zones. By using a Clear Communications wireless internet modem, a DC-AC inverter, Clear Comm VOIP (Voice Over IP) telephony box and a regular old-fashioned telephone, you can telephonically communicate in an automobile without using cellular telephony. Kinda back to the old bag phone days, in terms of bag-gage volume! Remember those?

Because it's a regular phone system I realized I could plug multiple phones into the same system with a Y-connector, so I hooked in a wireless headset and a wired land-line type unit. So that would be useful on a very large vehicle for an intercom, back seat drivers, or conference calls.

Yes, I even included an answering machine that I will never ever pay attention to, (just like always!!!). Now, where did I put that fax machine? Oh, there it is in the back seat. I'll take some pictures of the system WITH the system as soon as I install a Skype video phone.

At least I didn't try to put a telephone in my vehicle using tin cans and string technology. What about tin cans and fibre optic cable instead?

Disclaimer: This blog note is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please check your equipment and service provider's rules and guidelines for configuration and usage. Check all appropriate laws and regulations before assembling and operating telephonic equipment as well as performing activities in a safe manner. Be a good lil pumpkin as always!

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

Happy Mudders Day Is The Better Choice

I sent one of my friends a Happy Birthday greeting this morning, then a second friend wished her a 'Happy Dirt-day'.

I responded to both friends: It's a good thing your dirt-day isn't in May on the second Sunday and it was raining, otherwise it would be Happy Mudders Day, but that's still bedder than what my spill chicker wanted, it changed 'mudders' to 'Happy Murders Day', a holiday which is usually not in the month of May.

Egnahc eman gnitseretni

One of my friends changed her name in Facebook by reversing the order of the characters, so I sent her this backwards message:

Egnahc eman gnitseretni

(I tried running this through Google Translate before I sent it, but it appears that I single-handedly, out of everyone on the Internet, broke the darn thing)

Several hours later I sent her another message: I finally got Google Translate to try to figure out a translation using it's "Detect a language" feature. It selected German, but when it 'translates' the message from German to English, it's still

"Egnahc eman gnitseretni"

Measuring Music Quality By MPG

One of my friends wondered how to judge which of her songs were her favorites, and mentioned that some of them gave her goosebumps. I offered this mathematical advice.

At least with goosebumps there is something quantitative to easily measure. That's probably better than the line, "I could dance to that, man".

If you find yourself max-ing out with the number of goosebumps between some of your favorites then it might be necessary to go with GV - Goosebump Volume - where you measure the height of the goosebumps as well taking the quantity of goosebumps into consideration. It might be well enough to take a random sampling of the GH - Goosebump Height - rather than measuring each GB when calculating GV. The name of this procedure is MPG - Music Per Goosebump - not to be confused with Miles Per Gallon.

Update: Atfer i wkoe up and was in the procses of maikng coffee, I realized that there was a missing element to the three dimensional aspect of MPG, namely Time. There is a time aspect as well to take into account the rise and fall of the goosebumps. An appropriate amount of data collection will integrate and calculate the relative time weighted volumetric goosebump response versus each song to allow a ranking in a person's musical library. I would suggest a standard size of the opening 10 seconds of each musical piece.

Update: My friend thanked me and said she was looking forward to how it all worked out. I responded:

I will have to develop a GBMD - goose bump measuring device. It will probably involve extremely close up digital photography and a little tiny Utah gutsy, Ooops! sorry, the spell checker changed my 'itsy bitsy' to 'Utah gutsy', vertical measure stick. It would kinda be like that pair of guys in hard hats and bright orange safety vests where person A is looking through a telescope gizmo on a tripod and person B is holding the vertical ruler about a thousand feet away. Only this would involve nano technology and probably no hard hats. You could still wear a shiny orange safety vest if you wanted.

Update: I have decided that MPG should stand for Measuring People's Goosebumps

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

My TV ?!?!?

  I   wanted to take a picture of my TV, but then something strange happened. I blame it on either the cute little black and white dog with the red collar on the bottom right or the disconnected cables on the left.

Notice that the dog  iS  standing close to a web cam .... ... .. .

"Say 'cheese!'" 

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

"""

"""

"""

...

Navigating a Zone for Pa or Ma on the Amazon

Get started early on your Father's Day (OR in eXtreme cases Mother's Day) gift buying with this item that I found while wandering through AmazonDOTcom in their "Best Sellers" category: Tactical Tomahawk

TACTICAL ?!?!?

SOG Specialty Knives & Tools F01T Tactical Tomahawk, Black

It was ranked 12th in the category "Industrial & Scientific" of their popular items.

Number 151 is a "Budget Life-Size Skull" for $23.98





Number 207 is Spotted Leopard style Duck Tape brand Duct Tape

Number 330 is a Kreg KHC-90DCC 90-degree Corner Clamp. This particular vise-grip type plier bears a strange resemblance to deep under sea fish you might find at 5,000 feet below sea level.


If you go all the way to Number 583 there is a GRINNING skull, and it's far cheaper at $3.78 than Number 151. I checked the customer ratings on this item, and one customer gave the highest rating possible, even though it arrived broken. He said that made it even better! (?)

Notice to my own children: I am not hinting what I want for Father's Day, I am just helping other people shop.

A Glow for My Toe as I Dangerously Go

Glow I turn down the volume and I have a 600 dollar Christmas present from myself from a couple years ago 32 diagonal inch Sony nightlight.

The broad glow across the floor helps me avoid the minefield of migratory dog rawhide bone fragments, the most serious health threat the bottom of my feet ever experience. No, I seem to remember nails in boards (lumber) from my childhood as the most serious feet danger, but that was probably because I didn't have an LCD flatscreen as a child to guide my way.

The older I get the nicer I am to my feet.

Oh, UPS worked a little extra harder and -zooom- our new line of Vibram Five Finger shoes should arrive today instead of next Monday. Excited toes everywhere, not just mine!

My Entry for the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.



More information about the BLFC can be found at this link: Contest

My Year 2011 Entry
(My entry this year is a line from a previous blog post from a few weeks ago during my plumbing episode mini-disasters)

I have a sneaking suspicion that these warmed up pork tamales mixed with Pork N Beans accompanied by this cup of hot black coffee in a blue cup should take care of my body which feels but isn't black and blue, just scraped in a few places, sore, with little clumps of PVC glue showing up in strange places.

Link to 2010 Entry

Ego Trip OR Ego Vacation?

Which of these direct quotes are from Charlie Gaddafi OR Moammar Sheen?

Ooops! Sorry, that's supposed to be Moammar G and Charlie S, I am starting to be confused between these two delusional ego-maniacs, which one is which (wink!)

a) I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special
b) I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching a total freaking rock star from Mars.
c) I'm on a mission right now: It's an operation to right some terrible wrongs, that's what fuels me, the truth.
d) You can't process me with a normal brain
e) Come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it Charlie Bros., not Warner Bros.
f) My motto is to enjoy every moment, I don't think I would trade any of it because I'm still alive, which is pretty cool.
g) I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front
h) I'm grandiose, I have a grandiose life and I'm embracing it. It doesn't fit into their model and their model sucks.
i) Now they're saying I'm crazy, I'm passionate and I speak the truth, but I'm crazy.
j) (about anti-Semitism) I've never had that in my past, You can look as deep and as far as you want
k) [purposely hidden noun] ... is trying to take all my money and leave me with no means to support my family." He said he will fight them "with zeal, and with focus and violent hatred.
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
Answers: Move Mouse Here for Answer

From Piers Morgan interview. Feb 28th, 2011

So Go Ahead and Sioux Me

$o, if the United $tate$ federal government $hut$ down for awhile, doe$ that mean we don't pay income tax for that fractional part of the year?

One of my friend$ agreed that they $hould prorate our taxe$.

It $eem$ kind of "fair", you pay taxe$ to $upport the government, and if the government decide$ to $hut down for awhile, why keep paying? If the electric company $hut$ off the juice, they don't continue to get money. Thi$ $hutdown i$ purely for monetary rea$on$, and they did mention clo$ing park$ and mu$eum$. That $eem$ weird to clo$e down park$ and mu$eum$, becau$e don't they CHARGE admi$$ion and fee$? I figured we have probably already paid for all the tree$ and $quirrel$ in the fore$t$ by now.

Another Thought: If the white man's government shuts down does that mean that the previous government of The British Empire gets to take over, or even better, all the former Native American Indian Tribes? I need to know which tribe I am going to be a part of, my current location in Texas might make me a Kiowa or do I get to choose my birth state of South Dakota and go Sioux? At least I already know one word in Lakota - "tatonka" for buffalo. And I don't really like tea, so I don't want to be or sound British.

Whoa, I suddenly thought about all the money I'm going to get from running a ca$ino!

Tiny Twin Twiga

Twin baby giraffes were recently born in northeast China. The news report stated that they expect to be named sometime soon in April. If I had to pick between those two, I think I would choose "Sometime Soon" rather than "In April", because it fits better with their procrastination. But 四月 looks more like a giraffe than 在不久的 from a distance.

I think the Chinese word for four 四 looks like a pair of feet of a giraffe viewed on a teleBision and the word for moon or month 月 looks like the bottom 5/8 of a giraffe, sans neck, tail and head. Just visualize a giraffe in fog or eating in a tree or both.

Four + month = April

Hmmm, now I think the middle part of Sometime Soon,

不久

looks like a giraffe eating a tree.

My favorite Kiswahili word for obvious reasons is 'twiga' for giraffe.

A Swarm of Barbered Bobbed Biebers

‎

(Private Note to Self: If the newly barbered Bieber is creating a news story just for a haircut, I had better not tell anyone I trimmed my moustache yesterday)

One of my friends told me that it didn't work - my "private" note to self in Facebook wasn't private at all, which, of course I already knew, and which she already knew that I already knew!

[WHAT!!! I thought if I put ( ) doo-hickeys around my entire status then maybe it would be private just to myself, it must have been the [ ] doo-hickeys instead that make that feature work. I'm sure glad that this is now totally private, and it's a good thing I didn't slip and tell people that my moustache is really two very old, well-trained fuzzy caterpillars]

I was going to use the words "CAUTION barbered bobbed Bieber" but I wasn't sure what kind of haircut he has mainly because I didn't actually read the "news" story, just the headline. I was also b afraid it might hurt b peoples tongues or they b might sound like Bing Crosby with b a swarm of b's being that close b together. Having the multiple b's embedded in the words is where it's tongue tangle-ly dangerous but that last sentence shows that individually they are just a nuisance.

Am I Awake? I Shake

2 AM (again) (awake)

In a dream just now I was playing hide and go seek with my wife in our living room and there was a gigantic sheet hanging from the ceiling. We were going back and forth being silly, momentarily out of sight from each other. Finally I stopped and waved. 

Then I woke up in bed and I could see my hand waving by the light of my iPad.

I thought that was weird. I stopped waving and put my hand down, then suddenly my wife popped her head up and looked at me. I asked her how she was doing. She didn't mention my hand waving, just, "oh, I'm just hot", and a few moments later she was asleep in the length of time it took me to type this .... ... .. .

I think that must be an important part of being married: 

To have someone to wave to every now and then.

&^)

Update: Oh, now I remember what my original title was for this story:

It's 2AM, Do You Know Where Your Hand Is?

Dream Link: The Next Dream in My Blog

A Reaaaaally Sad Story OR An Aardvark To The Rescue

This is the result of too much silliness between myself and a friend of a friend (FoaF). During our conversation I took on the role of an improvised incarcerated in-shackled insane inmate. It wasn't too much of a stretch from my normal daily life, (wink!), then I asked him:

Do you want to hear a reaaaaally sad story?

On Tuesdays they give you a choice of either getting a pillow or a Teddy Bear in your cell, and so when I first got here and they offered me The Tuesday Choice, I chose "BOTH!" but they said I was greedy and so I didn't get either one for 26 weeks.

And the guards would wander by and say things like, "don't you wish you had a Teddy Bear?" - at first I was saddened, but then I got even with the guards by quoting Theodore Roosevelt and imitating his voice, first small bits and pieces then launching into long sections of memorized speeches - soon they were so impressed they would let me have their Teddy Bear for a few moments when they knew the warden-doctor was taking his evening meal.

End Of Sad Story

Now I think he thinks I'm really cwazeee!

Then I "drew" a single frame cartoon using just words to describe ants getting cow hairs when a different friend of the same friend created the word "in-cow-hair-ant" from incoherent after he read my prison-asylum-TR tale without the help of his morning coffee. But I don't have a caption for the cartoon yet.

I just now realized that I am not sure if I have ever met any of these three people in real life, except the second FoaF very briefly when my kids were in high school.

After my cartoon the first FoaF indicated to the friend that I was crazy but then the second FoaF came to my rescue when he created his own equally bizarre single frame cartoon with just words involving a Dean Martin ant taunting a Jackie Mason aardvark with cow hairs with The Pink Panther theme music. You just never know when an aardvark is going to be used in a rescue attempt, it happens to me so rarely that I forget about it until the next time it happens!

With Friends of Friends like this, who needs Friends?

Get Your Mind Into The Gutter Of The Gutter

My Plumbing Invention: To safeguard against leaks in pipes you could install a system of connected trays, like a rain gutter, under the pipes that would channel any leakage to a centralized location for easier monitoring. But then I thought, "What if there is a leak in the SOCT?"

Then I thought you could just add a SECOND system of connected trays, a wider rain gutter under the first rain gutter, SSOCTuSOCT. Now I just need some Dr. Suess type rhymes and pictures to explain and diagram before sending it to the Patent Office.

My friend Tony asked: why not just build an all concrete house with a cone bottom and a french drain?

My response to Tony was: French dries? How about American dries instead?

So then I read about French Drains - see Wikipedia Article: French Drain

Follow Up Response: Oh, THAT kind of French Drain, no, I thought you said 'dryin', a French Drain is far down in the ground and out of sight. The SOCT and SSOCT are elaborate in your face Picasso-esque structures bordering on the physics of Salvador Dalí with a touch of M.C. Escher.

Texas English is a wonderful thing - drain & dryin are almost homonyms. Several years ago at an art exhibit I overheard a bit of confusion between the artist and a customer, one of them said "monkey wrench" and the other heard "monkey ranch", and they had to go back and forth a little bit to get the correct translation, then they both erupted in laughter, which required no translation.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog