Whoever You Are, Please Stop Sending My Wife Giant Chinese Lasers

I walked into the house one day and found my wife reading a book in the dimly lit living room except that she has this cute little light with this blue-ish oval glow slowly passing over the pages. I ask, "What are you doing?!?!?!?" and she replies, "Oh, I just got this free cute little light in the mail with the name of my business printed on the side of it."

It is a laser device with a warning not to point it at your eyes, and I have no experience with lasers but immediately start checking this one out. [Brain goes YEA!!! new tech toy] The print is so small on the warning label that I have to get very close just to still not be able to read the words on the label. Hence it looks like a giant laser up that close, so I wasn't lying in the blog title. I accidentally break the cute little flexible wand during the inspection, but it kind of snaps back together. "Honey, this is a laser device! Let me find you something else to use to read a book. And it would help a little to turn on the other lights in the room."

Next, I open it up to see that the "free" light has "expensive" single-use batteries. She complains that she needs something to help her read, so I agree to find her something that my newly purchased rechargeable AA batteries will work with (thinking greenly). Hold it now, rewind, let me repeat with a rephrasing: I am now spending money to replace something that came free in the mail. It was only later that I accidently discovered that there is a separate button that turns on the RED laser beam that comes blasting out a separate aperature, just missing my eye. Thats okay, I had two of them.

The Ancient Sport of Paw Ball: History, Rules & Scoring

History:

"Go East, Young Dog"

A long time ago (last year) my young dog Cooper would play "one way" soccer with me, always trying to move any object east as I would kick it west in the back yard. I couldn't get him to play the other direction. This eventually led to the dog bringing me a tennis ball while I was stationary and could stay in the shade, kind of in the corner of the patio, so I thought of "hand ball" while playing, watching him try to block in every way and body part imaginable, hence the name "paw ball". So "cool" is an underlying reason for the birth of this sport and the evolutionary development of its rules and practices. It also helps to have an aggressively athletic active dog.

Teams and Equipment:

Basics:

• One tennis ball
• One human
• One dog
• Designated concrete kick zone
• Rest of the back yard, or equivalent

Optional:

• Barriers to make it more challenging for the dog – i.e. lawn furniture, gnomes (not real – plastico or ceramic), flamingoes (not real - plastico), garden hose, etc
• Swimming pool to make it more challenging for the human.
• Lawn chair – yes, you can even play while seated.

Rules:

Human tries to kick the ball in one general direction from a mutually defined kicking zone, and the dog tries to prevent this activity. Care should be taken by the human to avoid kicking the ball into the dog. IF the dog chooses to use his body to block, that's the crazy dog's business, no penalty points against the human. Yes, there are points.

Scoring:

The game is lopsided in its actions of offense and defense: The human (offense) kicks the ball, while the dog (defense) tries to stop & limit the distance of travel, and return the ball as quickly as possible to the kicking zone. Each kick of the ball can result in zero to many points for the dog and/or the human.

Points for the Human:

• Kicking the ball into the swimming pool. Number of points depends on the size and distance of the pool from the kicking zone.
• If dog looses track of ball and human has to find it in the grass or barriers
• If ball makes it all the way to the farthest boundary of the playing field
• Moving the ball in such a minimal manner so that it rolls under the dog without him knowing it and he starts looking for the ball and is surprised to find it under him. There needs to be a clearly defined sense of dog surprise, i.e. head jerk or he says the canine equivalent of "That was awesome, dude!".
• If dog tries to catch ball more than twice while it is in motion during one kick.
• If dog outruns the ball by more than its body length
• If the ball changes directions (it has to bounce off a solid surface) more than 3 times before dog catches it.
• If the dog stumbles, trips and rolls into a cloud of dust. The louder it makes you laugh, the more points per dusty dog cloud.

Points for the Dog:

• Catching the ball in mid-air
• Catching the ball in mid-air after it has bobbled the ball in mid-air but the ball has not touched the ground
• Being completely off the ground when catching the ball in mid-air. The dog should always receive applause for this super-dog accomplishment.
• Stopping the ball before it has gone a certain distance – this is defined by the size & speed of the dog and playing field.

Penalty Points Against Dog:

• If dog barks in a sassy "Hurry Up You, Slow Poke" manner, unsportsdoglike conduct.

Penalty Points Against Human:

• If human kicks dog while trying to kick the ball

Tips for Playing

for Humans: Things To Do To Try To Trick Dog

• Make sudden noises before kicking ball, but remember, nothing sassy.
• Cooper has tendency as he is bringing the ball back to drop it as far away from me as possible and have it roll to the kick zone, which limits my ability to get it airborne. Therefore right before he gets ready to drop the ball to give to me, I start backing up so he continues toward me, then immediately after he drops the ball rush toward him to be able to get my foot under the ball to get some distance and height on the ball.
• Kick the ball gently to get it rolling then kick it a second time for distance.
• Say something tricky & distracting, like: "Is that a cat over there?"

for Dogs: Things To Do To Try To Trick Human

• Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff human ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff.
• Ruff ruff ruff ruff growl ruff ruff ruff ruff rand run real rast.
• Snarl: ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff. Ruff ruff ruff ruff rasketrall ruff ruff rike Richael Rordan.

Final Note: I have never actually kept track of the points, but I usually win. Well, maybe. And it is my favorite time of day to tease the dog. - esbb

2007.09 - Variation - Introduce Squeaking, Counting & Regularity to the Game.

Equipment change: Use a squeaky ball

1. When the dog drops the ball, step on it for 3 squeaks
2. Count to 3 audibly at the same rate that you just squeaked the ball
3. Immediately kick the ball

Authors: Ernest S. B. Boston & Cooper the Dog
Game Creator: Cooper the Dog
Game Rules Version: 2007.09

Our Newly Remodeled Non-Duck Non-Pond

I drove by the MCD fast food place in Borger and it appeared to be in demolition mode, my first thought <YEA!!!>, but then <sigh>, I was disappointed to find out that it was being remodeled, another episode of 'Flip That Restaurant'. I was rather hoping that it was being torn down after a number of sub-par experiences with that particular store, both mine and others.

Later that day on my road trip I was thinking about what alternatives I would have picked if MCD would suddenly disappear, <poof>, and a new duck pond came to my mind. (Is that an equivalent form of the medical condition 'water on the brain' to suddenly 'think of a pond' ?) I believe our community already has at least 1 duck pond, no, maybe 2, with one private duck pond on the west side of town and one public duck pond on the south end at the park. Time for another one a little closer to the middle of town where the current MCD metal frame is being refurbished.

The zero-sum numeric transition of MCD 1->0 & Duck Ponds 2->3 sounds okay to me, and would probably be more beneficial to the health of the citizens of the community. And maybe spring up a new grass roots industry - if we start to get over run with duckies, then maybe we can open a "McQuackers & Crackers", say, a new fast food chain specializing in Chinese duck soup? There are already plenty of slaughter houses in our part of the world to handle the load with the panhandles of Texas and Oklahoma being quite the killing zones for non-humans.

We're on a roll now, folks! Because I live on the very east side of town, I suppose I should bear the en-compass-ing burden of establishing the "E" pond. Well, I do have lots of little froggies and dragon flies showing up this year in my garden, so I have some natural duck food to spare. Hmmm, I wonder if they like tomatoes too? I'm sure Cooper wouldn't mind giving up one of his two swimming pools, especially if there was the possibility of "Carne-a-Quacker" some time in the future.

Any volunteers for the north end of Borger?

I realize that MCD is the stock market symbol for a certain ginormous fast food chain, but it can also stand for our noble cause:
"Make a Change to Duck".

Quack.

A Salty Wet Flag in the Dark

What made me laugh hard today: I just read that Russia sent 2 submarines under the polar ice cap to plant a tiny rust-proof titanium Russian flag at the North Pole at a depth of several thousand feet.

Why did it take two? YEA, and what about the existing claims of Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus and the Elves? And Superman? And Me?

If Baby Bear Makes a Noise in the Forest and Theres No One ...

Scene:
Papa Bear, Momma Bear, Baby Bear, and Daughter-in-Law Bear are having breakfast porridge.

Background:
Baby Bear has always been noisy with an object, any object available, for his entire life. Look at me, listen to me!!! Cubs and their chew toys and noise toys. It doesn't matter whether he was 2 or 3 or now 23. The Parent Bears have no idea how many ink pen devices (a favorite) he has destroyed in a mandibular munching manner. Click Click, Chew Chew, No Click.

Discussion:

• Daughter-in-Law Bear complains about the noise that Baby Bear (her husband) was making at breakfast this morning, and tells on him to Parent Bears that he also makes too much noise in church services, reminding us that we have failed a little bit in the raising of our cub.
• Momma Bear adds that she dislikes it when humans unwrap candy in church services, because they make so much noise.
• Baby Bear mentions that there is a concession stand at his church right before you go into the sanctuary.
• Daughter-in-Law Bear replies that it is a coffee stand, not a concession stand.
• Papa Bear sums it up with "Some churches have confessionals, others have concessionals"

Apocalypse Stew: I Love the Smell of Jalapeno on My Burning Palms in the Morning

The Love:

Actually it isn't the smell but rather the tingle of my skin for several tens of hours after dealing with the small green incendiary veggie devices, especially reminded as I put my hands under warm running water. Why love? Because it means that I probably made a batch of "White Chili" and it is just waiting for me in the frig to reheat a bowl. This is my recipe for White Chili, which is just basically Campbell's® Condensed Bean with Bacon Soup with just the right amount of Stuphph added.

The Stuphph:

• Evian® water for the soup
  
• The stewed meat of fresh tomatoes chopped up. Skin the tomatoes by putting them into boiling water (not Evian®) for about 30 seconds - they peel easier from this treatment of heat.
  
• Jalapeños - Chopped, then lightly cooked until tender - Keep separate from the main soup and add to each bowl of soup as needed, jalapeños vary so much in their punch/kick. Put a little bit of the liquid of the cooked peppers into the soup while cooking.
  
• Boiled chicken tenders seasoned with plenty of Tabasco® Sauce while cooking, then shredded before adding to soup
• A little bit of brown sugar
• Optional: Add a small amount of sauteed finely chopped baby carrots
  

Figure out for yourself what the right amount of each Stuphph-ing should be. I am too numb for numbers this early in the morning ... What? ... Oh, you're right, it is almost noon.

Ouch, I just rubbed my eye with my hand. Residual epidermal fire lurks. No love.

Are You Talking to Me or the Dog?

Thats almost a Robert De Niro quote, but I have never seen the movie, 'Taxi Driver', just the snippet of a sound bite, so I've heard 0.069% of the movie several times in my life without knowing it.

"Shut the door when you leave, the light is shining in my eyes", came a low rumbling feminine noise from the bedroom this morning. Leave??? I left the bedroom a few hours ago, and I am standing over the stove cooking and confused, when I realize that the wife has just been talking to the dog who came into see me just now - probably heard Ante Meridiem food prep noises, smelled the eggs. This is a common type of question in our house.

"You talkin' to me?" - Robert De Niro in the movie 'Taxi Driver'
"Are you talking to me or the dog?" - Tamie to Ernest in real life
"Are you talking to me or the dog or yourself?" - Ernest to Tamie in real wife

Dear Texas DOT: Wrong Sign, Wrong Place

Dear Texas Department of Transportation,

As I was driving to Amarillo I noticed a herd of antelope off to the side of the road, and mentioned them to my wife, "Look, there are some near-deer"

"Those are antelopes" replied the wife.

I mentioned that Anthony Bourdain was cooking some pronghorn antelope on TV just the night before in New York City, of all places. Then a few seconds later I see this deer crossing sign, and I realize that the state of Texas has chosen the wrong sign for this location, especially since we are driving within a few miles of Antelope Creek and Antelope Peak off to the east and north of us. And then just a few seconds later there is another black and yellow sign, this time of a truck, warning about trucks jumping out into the lane of traffic, I guess for some mining facility. So I decided to remake & combine both signs and help out the state of Texas at my own expense and put up this new sign. I even adjusted the antlers and tail so they are more antelopesqe.

I know you guys are busy fixing the road in this region and probably short on cash (as always), so don't worry about reimbursing me for my expenses, my treat. If you would like a few more signs, just let me know. Maybe a combo of trucks with turkeys?

Gobble gobble.

<<<Disclaimer : This is really a practical joke - no sign or properties of the State of Texas were modified in the making of this blog post - esbb >>>

Redneck Wife/Plumber

You just might have a redneck wife if her solution to a kitchen plumbing problem involves string, a strategically placed wood screw, and tension.

Hare v. Tortoise Race

The Race
Hare v. Tortoise
Rabbit v Turtle (for People who use common words)
Wabbit v Toitle (for Elmer Fudd)

Do you ever feel that sometimes your life is like the story of the race between the Hare and Tortoise? Maybe the underlying story is the Tortoise is just walking somewhere, any where, and some Hare comes along and turns it into a race with great fanfare and TV coverage and prizes only for the winner, and you (the Tortoise/Turtle/Toitle) are totally oblivious and mentally incapable of understanding what on earth the Hare is up to except that he/she/it is very annoying and is as meaningful to your life as the most recent mosquito that tried to be your "beast" friend.

One of My Favorite 36 Cu Ft Chunks of the Universe Doesn't Exist Anymore

So this is my version of
'Out of Africa'

I once had a flower garden, that was 3 ft by 3 ft by 4 ft tall, completely filled with carrot plants and blooms. They have a tendency to come back every year and I trimmed it down to a 3x3 square and then watched it take off toward the sky like the guy from 'Jack and the Bean Stalk'. Most of the people that I know that have grown carrots for food have never seen a carrot bloom. This is the best picture that I have from 2005, and it doesn't really show the true splendor of the larger blooms, which remind me of a tree from the African plain. No pictures of the 3x3x4 massif. Oh, and they are hardy in the winter time, sometimes you would see this green poking up through the snow in the backyard in the dead of winter, and its a carrot looking for the sun.

(As I proof-read this I tried to sound like Meryl Streep, well, the Danish O-o-A version of M.S.)

Doggie Bloggie

Cooper

Male

Age 2

Half German Sheppard / Huskie


Mental Health Issues:

• Claustrophobic - Hate my dog house
  
• Must have enough space to go in circles, counter-clockwise, before laying down
  
• Can't seem to stop chasing my tail, which I always do in a clockwise motion
  
• Identity Crisis - Confused by my new nickname "Bubba"
  

General Info & Interests & Hobbies

Exploring the Universe (The backyard and the things I see through the cracks in the fence)
Any toy that squeaks, preferably complex sounds - I'm a Mozart Mutt
Writing a book: 'Tennis Ball Physics for Doggies' -

• Experimenting with buoyancy with a tennis ball in my swimming pool
• Learning about inclined planes by dropping a tennis ball on the roof of my dog house and watching it go zooooom.

Impersonations - I pretend I am a Kodiak bear catching salmon in my swimming pool
Playing "Paw Ball" with Ernie
Linguistics - trying to get these !@$%^&*() humans to understand me; Ernie seems to be coming along pretty good, but Tamie (?), who knows, some day maybe
Gardening - I like to help Ernie by pulling weeds with my teeth
Soccer with Folger's Coffee Cans (plastico)
UFO's - playing frisbee with Folger's Coffee Can lids (plastico)
Ripping the caps off water bottles
Helping with the laundry, although these humans think I am not much help
Pole climbing for cheese
Killing birds (aH Ha - got 2, don't know what the season limit is though) I learned this trick by watching the movie "8 Below"
Killing cats (failed miserably at this so far in life)
Killing scorpions ( 1 )
Killing tarantulas ( 1 )
Killing time by snoozing just waiting for Ernie to play with me
I will shred anything that I think is mine

Vocabulary (I pretend to understand) -
No, Down, Sit, Cheese, Milk, Buffalo, Ball, Tamie, Ernie, Outside, Play,
Otter Position, Coffee Can, Pizza, Drop It !!!!

Music - What's that?
Food - DiGiorno's Spicy Chicken Supreme pizza and buffalo burgers
Movies - '8 Below'
Television - watching myself on video, I'm so cute, well, not really, I just pretend to be cute as long as they keep feeding me
Books - only tore up 2 so far
Books - "Go,Dog,Go" by P.D. Eastman ISBN 978-0394800202
Heroes - Ernie

Status: Incarcerated - Confined by leash and/or fence
Here for: To show off
Orientation: Without Them
Hometown: Borger TX
Body Type: Furry White Wolf-like
Ethnicity: Other
Zodiac Sign: Unknown
Children: Don't like em
Education: Home Schooled
Occupation: Home Security & Entertainment
My Favorite Spot: Curled up & being a 62 lb lap dog
Income: Trust Fund Baby

Goals and Aspirations:

• Releasing My Inner Coyote
• Playing Outfield for a major league baseball team as soon as they change to something soft like a tennis ball. Oooo, another chapter for my book 'Tennis Ball Physics for Doggies' -> Gravity, Balls & Parabolas.
  

I Dream About:
Purina "Kittens, Birdies & Elk" mix

People I'd Like to Meat:
Veterinarians

Cooper's Friend Space
Cooper has 6 Friends
Ernie
Tamie
Brandon
Laura
Brynna
Linnie
Deryenda

Cooper has 1 ~Not-So-Friendly Friend
Brian

My Least Favorite Words: When Ernie says "Bye-Bye"

Create Your Own Starbuck-ish Name

The last time my older son came home, he just happened to watch my wife make her coffee, but could not see the coffee in the cup under the mound of Coffee Mate that had just been dumped on it unstirred. "My GOSH, how much do you put in there ?!?!?" So I/We came up with our own fancy Euro-name for her coffee - "Mont Blanc"

My New Self Help Book Title: Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian

Chicken Soup for the Vegetarian

Chapter Titles
* Souls - Chickens Don't Got 'Em
* Water
* Chicken
* Heat
* Mix
* Veggies
* Semi-Veggies
* Chicken in the Shape of a Veggie
* Just Dilute It a Whole Bunch, No One Will Ever Know
* Ha-Ha! You're Not a Vegetarian Anymore!
* Pass This Book Onto Someone Else and Ruin Their Life

List of Possible Christmas Gifts for Me - 2006

I noticed that the wife was making out a present list for different people and she had nothing (of course) under my name so I filled in some things for her:

* Porsche - an entire factory if she asks
* Yugoslavia - I really don't think it exists as a country anymore, so that should take a little extra effort, make the gift more meaningful
* Mars - either the planet or a candy bar, just a candy bar and not the entire factory this time, I'm kinda hungry now for something sweet
* Fibreglass - no explanation
* Ohio - again, no explanation
* Disneyland
* Enslave the entire subcontinent of India.

95 Cents Worth of Unhappiness at MCD

So here are my tales of pig sandwiches of my last 2 visits to MCD. I think that McRibs are great, but I think they have increased the price a little this time around. I went to the Borger store and ordered an Extra Value meal and saw that it was $3.80 on the glossy sign, but then I saw the total after tax on my credit card slip was just a little too high. I finally convinced them that they had charged me 10 cents too much but I really didn't want to do something with my credit card just to get 10 cents back and the owner just happened to swing by to say that someone had forgot to change the sign on Sunday because it was supposed to be 3.90 So I eat my messy wonderful sandwich, but I am 11 cents unhappier, that includes the tax. It is hard to describe/measure 11 cents worth of unhappiness, its a slight twinge maybe, a little less sparkle in my eye. So just 3 days later I am in Amarillo, still in Texas, and decide to fulfill my pork desire in a cheap fast way and head to MCD. I get there and the glossy sign of my pork sandwich (I look carefully) has a $4.29 (the price part is not glossy), man, that is about 10% higher for the same exact product, and when I mention it to the guy who is taking my order the girl right next to him mentions bluntly that this MCD has a different owner and they can charge whatever they want. Ok-dokey-artichokee were my thoughts, I am in a hurry to get back to the hospital anyway, I still want my not-quite-as-cheap pork so I tell him I would like the McRib Extra Value meal with a Dr Pepper, I read it directly off the sign, notice the fine print that it is supposed to have reg fries and drink. Well, a few minutes later these large fries show up and a larger drink than normal and I look at my credit card slip and they have supersized me (and trust me, you can tell by looking that I don't need to be supersized ANY more, EVER more, again in my entire life) and I have to explain to them about three times that this is not what I ordered and they are going back and forth between me and reading the sign, and I finally give up and realize that I can selectively pick out the best french fries so it is not all that bad, but I had already planned on Starbucks before going back, certainly didn't need the drink. So I sit down at this table in MCD, and I begin to notice that the sound (lets not go so far as to say music) coming out the speaker in the ceiling was somewhere from the middle of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, about 3 seconds worth only that 3 seconds repeated about 6 times, and then there was a pause, then back to RtRNRD, pause. It was just low enough that the person sitting at the next table could not hear it when I first asked him. Then a little while later he thought he could maybe hear it, but then he may have just been playing along with the old guy with BBQ sauce on his chin at the next table. I should have gone to look in the mirror in the restroom, I am sure I can detect 95 cents of unhappiness.

Time for mo' coffee .....

I Scream You Scream 2nd Verse

2007.07.24 AM Dark

Blink. Yawn. Click. Ear still attached to pillow. I push the select button on my Dish Network remote and the cute & quiet dancing Dish logo/words are replaced with … Talking Fake Fur from Far Away on Sesame Street

Beaming down from the clear vacuum of outer space to my cloudy recently vacuumed inner space, I woke up to '3 Bears in Space' eating porridge as a scientific experiment, "Yep, it tastes just like eating porridge at home on earth" - kinda reminds my foggy brain of "Why did the chicken cross the road" Then later Cookie Monster is eating a cookie with a big letter I in icing … hmmm goes a synapse or two, I think "icing", I sing "icing"

'You scream, I scream, We all scream for ice cream" goes zip through my head.
So I come up with "I sing, you sing, we all sing for icing" the perfect companion verse for that birthday party song, there's gotta be cake too, ya' know.

Now I have to get up and confirm it with Google … of course I am out of bed using a computer now without the proper amount of coffee injected into me, must .. stop … for .. coffee, ahhhh, returned with brew, can p-rop-er-ly continue now.

(Googling) So an 'I Scream' song shows up by Johnson, Mol and King, very very long, but no mention of 'My Icing' word mixture.
http://www.makeicecream.com/iscreamyousc.html
So I find out that July is National Ice Cream month, courtesy of the dead Ronald Reagan from a 1984 proclamation.
I switch to an 'I Sing You Sing We All Sing for Icing' search, and can't seem to find anything, so maybe, but I seriously doubt I am the very, very first human to write it, so you can have a 2nd new verse to an old song, Mr. Universe of People. I am a Reminder, yes, a Gershwin, no.

So if you read this at just the right time, I will be in the shower singing my new song, you can join along, in your own shower, of course, okay, everybody join in …. Oh, I just remembered, its my cousin's birthday today in a darker time zone, so everybody, keep singing for my cousin, he probably hasn't woke up yet. Maybe we can get a 'Live Earth' thing going, 'Live Shower', maybe? Soap and sing, soap and sing, we all sing of i---cing.

Ground control to Major Tom, I think its going to be a long long time til I go to bed with this channel playing the night before on my DishNetwork, lets see here, lets check the recording schedule to stay away from the fake fur channel ….

Give Me a Better Name for My Bag of Carrots

I was looking at a bag of carrots today, and it struck me, was the name "Bird's Eye" such a good label to put on food products? Think about it, "Bird's Eye" - I hope one of their first products wasn't a certain "tiny round avian meat specialty". And the waiter says, "No, madame, it just looks like caviar."

A. R. R. T.

Here is my song for the day

Captain: Are ya ready kids?
Kids: (Aye aye, captain!)
Captain: I can't hear you!
Kids: (AYE, AYE CAPTAIN!)
Captain: Ohhhhh...who dwells in a housing complex constructed of fruit from the ananas comosus in a submariner manner?
Kids: (Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers!)
Captain: Absorbent and amarillo and angular is he!
Kids: (Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers!)
Captain: If nautical nonsense be something you desire,
Kids: (Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers!)
Captain: Then serve him with lemon after roasting with fire!
Kids: (Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers!)
Captain: Ready?
Everyone: Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers, Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers, Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers, Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers
Captain: Absorbent Robert … Rectangular Trousers!

Rain of 100

Friday was a neat day to walk in the rain, it was coming down very lightly in Amarillo when I went for coffee that morning. I thought of a way of describing it for you: I took around 100 steps out of the building to get to my car, and as I walked, a little more than 100 tiny drops fell on a piece of cardboard that I was carrying, size about 100 square inches, and as I started my car to drive out of the parking lot I looked over at the cardboard, and the processes of evaporation and adsorption had completely eliminated any visible trace of the moisture from the board in less than 100 seconds.

Who's Last Name is 'NEEDS' ?

In one month (Feb '07), I bought my wife 5 telephones, 3 different technologies, for different purposes, business and pleasure. A) a new cellular for the nomad spirit in her, B) a set of 3 wireless tied to the home landline for the non-nomadic version of the tired wifey when she is at home in the evening and she doesn't want to reach out too far to touch someone with recharging stations strategically placed, and C) for work, this cool wireless headset phone that gives her hands-free mobility as she tends to cosmetology clients and she doesn't want to get mad because the phone is ringing off the hook while she is trying to tend to just one other human. BUT, trying to find a phone at my house is still cumbersome, as all 3 home phones seem to follow the wife around like a pack of puppies, only they hide.

Ring ring ring, "AnSweR that please" comes a 35% screamhollerplea across the house this morning, but the phone goes to answering machine mode before I can find the first one of the hidden triad. I look at the caller ID, "Who's last name is 'NEEDS' ?" I almost say to the wife and then I notice that the first name is 'RECHARGING'

200 Percent French

While driving in Amarillo today, or rather, stuck at a traffic light on Western Street, I see this bakery that brags on the front store sign that it is the only French bakery in Amarillo (1923 S Western). Then I look up to see that the name of the place is Frank's Bakery, and then I faintly recall that the Franks were the name of a people that occupied part of Europe a long long time ago, (and I later confirm that the name "France" means "Land of the Franks") and so I let my wife know that piece of information about the Frank-French Connection, and I ask her, I wonder if Frank knows that 'Frank' means 'French'? And would it be okay if I ask him if he knows (now, keep in mind that I work very hard to try to trick my wife with practical jokes ALL the time and that I have absolutely no plans to ask some stranger about the etymology of his name, and that he has really named his place 'French Bakery, French Bakery' and of course its the only French bakery in Amarillo because, for instance if some French man named Germ opened a French bakery, then it would be a Germ-man Bakery). Her simple response was a grin, giggle and a "No, you may not ask him, and the light is now green".

So Frank, if you are out there reading this right now, 'did you know?'

(Don't worry, my wife never reads this stuff)

Choking and Laughter: Key Ingredients to a Great Evening Meal

You know its fixing be a good Friday, end of the work week evening meal when the wife starts a conversation with a disparaging tone of voice with this first sentence:

"I hope I don't have to go get my father out of jail on Monday"

Now keep in mind that my father-in-law does not habitually go to jail, never been, as far as I know. I have to stop eating to write her sentence down exactly as she has said it. You know you are in the middle of a Redneck moment, Ernest. Life is good. Continue dear, after this bite makes it all the way to my stomach this time, what could possibly be the 2nd sentence of your conversation, I ask - is it going to be better than the first ??? - she assures me that it will be.

(Yes, people, the wife and I actually have convoluted conversations that sound like this)

2nd sentence: "Cause he's fighting city hall over his goats"

Okay, I am nearly on the floor by now. The city where my father-in-law lives, which shall remain anonymous to protect the innocent, if there are any in this story (but it has a population from the 2000 census of 1936 people (goats not included) and its not very far away from Borger, ~11 miles) wants to impose a license fee on pets, and I think they also want my father-in-law's pet goats (i.e. lawnmowers with lungs) to move out of town.

So I get a historical flash through my brain of this hysterical moment, equating King George the Third of England and the Stamp Act of 1765 with this city council and their puppy & kitty licensing and goat banishment proclamation. My wife mentions that she wished the council would spend more time worrying about something important, like maybe fixing or even paving their streets. Puppies permits pave the way for needed pavement improvements. Yea for puppies! His pet rottweilers will help repair the ruts. Yea for puppies everywhere, now funding the urban infrastructure.

So my father-in-law is demanding the city council's resignation.

Then she tells me his parting quote: "They are my lawn mowers, they keep the weeds down on my place, and I like to go down and talk to them in the evening" Ahhhh, city council, have a heart, don't try to separate him from his herd, a guy needs his goats.

Update 2010.04.29 - I found out yesterday that my father-in-law is going to appear in court to testify against the piece of legislation regarding his goat herd. I am looking forward to attending the event to see what amount of nonsense is going to pop out of his skull.

Four Out of Five Attend a Funeral

I realize that funerals are mainly solemn occasions and I probably go to more than average human in the United States. I try to be a very family & friend oriented person and attend to people's needs, especially in their darkest moments.

But yesterday in the bright sunlight, as I was getting into a vehicle with 3 other humans, to go from the church to the graveside service, a non-human wasp decided to join us, just as the last human White Anglo-Saxon Protestant was getting in. Well, 3 out of 4 of us started screaming like little girls (I'm with 3 adult female relatives) and all 4 of us almost blow the doors off this SUV trying to get out of the vehicle, and the one who started the screaming is also trapped by a child-proof door that only opens from the outside, which prolongs her terror, just as the cars in front of us are leaving. Then my sister pops the back cargo door of the SUV and it goes flying up, as the wasp has decided to sit at the rear of the vehicle to get away from the pesky humans. Now, I don't know what exactly is going through my cousin's head in the car behind us when he sees all this commotion, but it may have been something like, "I'm glad I live 4 hours away from this part of the family in the northern panhandle of Texas". When I asked him, he said he didn't see a wasp leave our vehicle, and so we cautiously, searchingly got back in the vehicle.

Now, macho me, I live with wasps all the time, and don't think I have been stung by one at my house of 20 plus years. They fly in and out of my garage all the time like they are doing sorties guarding the No-Fly Zone of Iraq. As I'm rough drafting this piece of writing in the cool mist of the sprinkler of my patio 'office', I see my SAM (Surface-to-Air-Mutt) killing a wasp, I believe he swatted it right out of the air. "Cooper leave that thing alone" – and a final bam – Mister Stinger now sits in a ball of fragments on the wet concrete and is no longer moving.

"Oh, Cooper, where were you yesterday when the girls needed you? Now I will have to add 'Killing Wasps' to your resume".

YEA!!! My Family Christmas Letter from 1998

This is the family Christmas letter that I published for 1998 .
You can see that not much has changed in nearly 9 years.
Special note of thanks to my step-mother for finding this, as I had completely forgot about it, so if you have any problems or trauma associated with this letter, blame her.
Ernest S. B. Boston

Dear Family and Friends, Friday, November 20, 1998

We have had a most interesting year at the Boston house. Well, we have moved around so much that I should really refer to them as mansions - trailer houses - jails - tents in the jungle.

The year started off fairly bleak. The bill collectors were so bad that my wife Tamie started robbing liquor and convenience stores just to try to make ends meet. Maybe it was a career move suggested by the evil bill collectors. I had been laid off and then was diagnosed with cancer. We went on welfare. During the middle of my medical ordeal, Tamie was arrested and thrown in jail but broke out, killing 129 people in the process. A special episode of 'America's Most Wanted' was dedicated to her, but I think they were a little unkind in their treatment. They can get Meryl Streep to play anyone for enough money.

After 5 weeks on chemo the doctors discovered I didn't have cancer but merely that the lab tests had been confused because of a wicked combination of a toothache, ingrown toe nail and cough medicine. My best friend and lawyer Tom sued their pants off and I got $140 million dollars. I then purchased several square miles of Costa Rica.

The next week I won the Texas lottery for $17 million and spent a month flying everywhere. I succeeded in achieving my boyhood dream of spending over 97.6% of the time of a complete month (February) suspended in the clouds. Talk about frequent-flyer-miles I have accumulated. (Or maybe that dream was from Haight-Ashbury).

I was suspected of drug trafficking and placed in jail but bought my way to freedom. It was eventually discovered that my body gives off a trace odor resembling heroin if I eat shrimp that have been cooked in butter and garlic. Now I understand why certain types of women are addicted to my charms.

Our children, I don't remember their names - I think they are boys but I am not sure – have been doing well according to the letters received from their reform school. I think we had 2 or 5 children but again the details seem to have skipped out of my brain. I remember the number of children is a prime number less than 17. I remember being in the prime of my life when we had the children.

Our lovely dog Madeline has recovered from her accidents that took off her front leg a few years ago. I helped develop a new medical process using recombinant DNA (secret ingredient is starfish) that allows limbs to grow back. It works on dogs, iguanas, chickens, mosquitoes, and humans. Madeline was the first trial animal that lived but we did give her too much and she suffers from the side effect that, once a limb has grown back, then more just keep coming. We just have to keep the extra legs snipped off when she goes in for her shampoo and trim. Oh, I almost forgot, they gave me a Nobel Prize for medicine for the limb invention. Another million dollars.

My computer blew up one day and severed 4 fingers. My best friend and lawyer Dick uncovered a bug in the Windows 95 operating system that caused the problem. We sued and won $37 billion and now have controlling interest in Microsoft Corporation. Have you ever heard of my company? We bought a bigger piece of Costa Rica. I should go there some time. I hear it is pretty. And there are monkeys.

I spent 3 months of the year helping in the new Steven Spielberg movie about me. It should release at the Christmas or April Fools weekend 1999. Fixing to buy the rest of Costa Rica.

Had a car accident and lost another 3 fingers. My best friend and lawyer Harry found a problem with the steering mechanism and now I own a nice chunk of Ford Motor Company. I am close to being "all thumbs". I can still play chopsticks on the piano but can't use them for eating lunch.

One night in June for 3 hours all our Beanie Babies (13) came alive and chased me through the neighborhood. It was very embarrassing, as they tore all my clothes off and the police found me crying, naked, bruised and bleeding in the park with all the inanimate beanie babies scattered all around me on the ground. I noted to the police officers that they were all in a "pounce" position ready to do me in. It was a rather trying time, especially trying to explain the bite marks to the doctor at the emergency room. I was lucky not to lose a finger. It was a good thing none of the tags came off any of the Beanie Babies, which would have lowered their value. I did have to send them to the dry cleaners to remove the grass, dirt and asphalt stains (and the flesh and blood stains from their mouths).

I have really been enjoying learning to cook. I can now do jello and sometimes pudding. I can do lots of different flavors of jello. Did you know it comes in lots of colors? It does not taste well with ketchup or mustard. I have heard of people putting fruit in jello. I tried putting an entire pineapple in jello, but didn't really like it. Maybe I chose the wrong flavor of jello. Whole apples weren't much better. If anyone out there reading this can send me a helpful hint on how to do jello with fruit (or vegetables or small furry woodland creatures), please call, write or e-mail.

Tamie (my wife) has been exonerated of her crimes just last week. It seems that her evil identical twin sister really master minded the whole thing and Tamie has been tied up in a cabin in the mountains of West Virginia the whole time. She survived "Papua New Guinea style" on a diet of sweet potatoes and diet A&W root beer. It is good to have her back especially as the dishes were starting to pile up pretty high.

My best friend and lawyer Sally really came through in my legal custody battle to get Meg Ryan declared as my adopted daughter. She gets to spend every other weekend with me. She is getting used to all the monkeys here in Costa Rica.

I have been pen-pals with Saddam Hussein (of Bagdhad, Iraq) for many years. I invited him over for a slumber party and he stayed for a whole week. We had a good time. He tried to keep himself disguised the whole time. He shaved off his mustache and wore a dress in public. We baked some cookies, too. And had tea in the afternoons. I later found out that he wasn't the leader of the country, as my wife suspected, but just a used car dealer by the same name. Oh well, he did make a good gingerbread cookie.

With my very busy life (taking care of all of Costa Rica can take a good 2 or 3 hours a day) I decided to get organized with my hobbies and be briefly intense. Hobbies must now come in pairs and last only for exactly one month. And they must rhyme so I can keep track of them. This month I am doing the tuba and scuba. I have written a tuba symphony "Getting a Handle on Underwater Music" inspired by my love of the reef. I nearly drowned performing it the first time. I need to keep a little distance between hobbies.

I am in traction as I dictate this last bit for you. I had a car wreck in my brand new Cadillac. It was only 45 minutes old off the show room floor when the wreck happened. My best friend and lawyer (I forget her name) has wonderfully sued Ford Motor Company. She pointed out that I was traumatized by the previous accident (in a Ford) and then started driving the General Motors product. According to the consumer report the Ford would have been the safer choice and I should have been driving one. I now own three and a half percent of Ford.

Oh, I did lose half my stock in Microsoft by playing poker. One hand. I'm just close to being all thumbs, I hear that's good in gardening.

Oh, yea, one more goodie: The Tyson Chicken people are really interested in growing chickens with extra legs! Amount undisclosed. Time to find more Central American real estate.

Happy Holi-"daze",

Ernie, Tamie, Madeline, Meg, the Monkeys, and the (?) boys