Oh! The Things You Will Learn from the University of Phoenix!

I noticed that the latest ads for the University of Phoenix have the people all looking up. Too uppish. They appear to be uncomfortable but still have a slight smile on their face. Paid pain to be in an ad pane? Advil anyone? So these are probably the most popular degree plans for this group of people:

• UFO Investigator
  
• Head Lice Inspector
  
• Pro Football Helmet Measurer
  
• Astronomer
  
• Practice Person for Chiropractic Schools
  
• Flying Flock Counter
  
• Fireworks Quality Control Inspector (Oooh and Aaah'ers need not apply)
  
• Air Traffic Controller Controller
  
• Theplanetwicer - That little guy on that TV show from a long, long time ago whose name I don't remember who said "The Plane, The Plane" - must also be able to distinguish between The Bird, The Plane and The Superman, and track properly identified moving object with index finger.
  
• Horizontal Odor Sniffer (You have to visualize the person in motion, head back, with the rushing torrent of air blasting the olfactories. Okay, that was a bit too much. We may decide to drop this major and send it over to the culinary school on the south side of town.)
  

Several of these can be combined as double majors to increase your job hunting prospects later on.

Amazing New Chinese Diet & More

I saw an advertisement for an "Amazing New Chinese Diet" several weeks ago, so I started it. Didn't lose a single pound after 8 weeks of trying. Then I got a letter from a man in Beijing that I didn't know. He said, "Stop your diet, you're making me hungry all the time and I've lost 20 kilograms".
That is an Amazing Diet. I eat. Certain Chinese people lose weight. And he didn't appreciate my efforts. Just for that, I think I'll stay on it for a few more weeks.


... and now the "& More" part ...

I started a new diet that has truly worked well:

EOPFYL - Eliminate One Pepper From Your Life

My friend asked, "What kind???? Stuffed peppers?"

"No, think high caloric"

"Oh, Dr. Pepper!!!"

But secretly I still cheat and have one "DoPe" per week when I go to Tac0 Be11. If I wanted to completely eliminate DoPe, it would require the arson of thousands of TB restaurants, the mass killing of thousands of employees, a little bit of deforestation, and probably have to punch somebody in the nose, all that just to finally exterminate all the DoPe out of my life. Whew! That plan sounds too wacky just for a cold carbonated beverage from Waco Tx, probably not cost effective with current gas prices, and might interfere with TV time, especially with the new fall lineup. Oh, I have to stop typing, the 'House' season premiere is on.

I think I'll just stick to my current game plan of not having DoPe in my house.

And mono-cheat-weekly at TB.

Hours Later at the DoPeAnon Meeting

"Hi, my name is Ernest, and I secretly drink DoPe"
"Hello Ernest, hello Ernest, hello Ernest"

The Danger of Roman Numerals - KEVIN!!!!!

I learned today that one of the more difficult, demanding and disturbing things to try to do is to NOT listen and NOT watch a "Home Alone" movie (I, II or III) while it is playing XV feet behind you while focusing on your writing. And IIday was such a good day for IInight II end this way. Oops, now my writing is being affected Roman Numberally. I hate it when I get stuck in a mode of writing that is all Roman Numberally, mainly because now I don't remember if that first word of this sentence and the other IV occurrences mean "one" or the single letter word that means "me", although I did figure out that the "II" should have meant "to" and it wasn't the Italian word "Il" which I think translates as "the" or the Roman number as "two" or as the word "too" meaning "also". These last II sentences have been just II hard II understand, much less proofread. My head hurts.

Let me help you understand about apparent misspelling in the previous paragraph. You proper English Language people out there thought it should have been the word "numerableally". Actually you can hurt yourself trying to say that word too fast. Go ahead and try it, I'll wait a few seconds. {wait}{wait} See? Told ya' so. I didn't make C's in English in college for nothin', they gave me those grades for events and circumstances beyond their level of comprehension. The Marches! The Fires! The Riots! Oooh, sorry about that, flash back, Nam vet style. The word "Numberally" is a new word I just created 58 seconds ago that means to be numbed into a state where you are using numbers incorrectly "all" over the place and you don't know "y", I mean "why". "Number+all+y". My head hurts now even more than 48 seconds ago when I told you the first time.

"Ernie"

"Yes, Honey?"

"Turn off the light, I want II go II sleep"

(Did it work? When you read that last sentence did you say "to" twice without any trouble?)

You've just taken a trip through the R.N. Zone.

Blame Kevin, not me.

Sorry, snap out it, that was supposed to be pronounced "KE-VIN", not "KE"+"SIX"+"N"

Ring! Its Early Saturday Morning and Ernest is Getting Uglier

2007.09.22 - Trojan House Alert -> My Name is NOT Troy

For all the stupid bill collection agencies out there, hire people who can read.

For all the stupid bill collectors out there looking for someone named "Troy My-Last-Name", I am not him.

None of our pets or children or plumbing fixtures have ever been named "Troy" and my phone number has been mine for 20 plus years, so look it up, confirm what we've told you several times and quit calling my house early Saturday morning when I am definitely needing my beauty sleep. My phone book in my grubby little hands right now shows another person with my last name in our town with the first initial "T", hmmmm? And two "T" numbers!

Quit horsing around with mind numbing phony calls with my house phone number.

Bang! It's Early Friday Morning and Ernest is Getting Stoned

This is my second letter to my pen-pal friend this morning.

Just as soon as I stepped outside I remembered some somniac maniac things I forgot to tell you in the first letter. (It appears that "somniac" is not a real word according Ms. Spill Chicker, so here right now it means the opposite of insomniac, new word, 5 points). I had 2 strange vivid knock you right awake dreams last night. The first (I think so) one was about a guy throwing rocks at me. He was blond. The first few rocks were kind of in my general direction, then one went whizzing by my left cheek, grazing it. I was behind some trees. I hollered at him to be careful and other "things" and he was surprised, but he was trying to impress some girls around him and started mouthing off and taunting me, and I returned the verbal, and I am pretty sure we fought a little and then police got involved.

Flip pillows over, maybe that will help. Snore....snooze.....(maybe I will only dream about unicorns this time, nice unicorns, pretty unicorns)

The second dream is a short one where my dog is in the middle of the backyard and yelped but he has something in his mouth so it is a bit of a muffled yelp, and he won't let go of it, and IT is a snake that won't let go of him either. Ying&Yang,Cling&Fang - There is a WWF struggle momentarily, WolfWrestlingFangs. Then a loud non-dog non-snake like noise 'bang' and I wake in a jerking motion.

Play Cryptograms Without the Help of ExTraTErrEsTrials

I normally like to play cryptogram puzzles without the aid of writing down the letter guesses as I progress (or don't progress) through the game. For the past few days I have been over at "Cryptogram Corner" playing online, sometimes using their system to visually show the letter guesses and sometimes my solely cerebral way.

Last night I came up with an interesting way of playing without the visual help of the letters "E" & "T", the two typically most common letters that occur in English and usually in cryptograms. As the game progresses it becomes fairly easy to see the E & T holes and still be able to read & solve the puzzle without them.

These are the recorded steps of a game. Each guess of a step is shown in red.

Step by step example:

*******************************************************************************
A
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A                                       A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A                A                  A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
L
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A       L                               A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A   L            ALL                A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
I
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A   I      A       A    I  LI                I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A   A   L I      I   ALL                A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *
*******************************************************************************
H
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A  HI      A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H   A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H             H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
S
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   S    S    H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
O
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  O    A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    I     O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
F
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  OF F A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    IF    O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
R
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RI  LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF    O RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS RO H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
C
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF   CO RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  C  S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
U
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
W
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
N
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LIN   HROU H  H   IN   IF  NCOURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
G
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IN   IF  NCOURAG    *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
D
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
M
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
K
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
Y
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
X
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXI  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *

Now there are just little spacemen left in the spaces to reveal, say "Roswell" three times, sprinkle Reese’s Pieces – and - poof

*******************************************************************************
ET
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXIETY IS A THIN STREAM OF FEAR TRICKLING THROUGH THE MIND  IF ENCOURAGED  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* IT CUTS A CHANNEL INTO WHICH ALL OTHER THOUGHTS ARE DRAINED                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* ARTHUR SOMERS ROCHE                                                         *
*******************************************************************************
ET - Phonetically Honed

Visit Cryptogram Corner:
URL: http://www.geocities.com/cryptogramcorner/

Technical Notes & Credits:
The form part of Cryptogram Corner did not work with my Firefox browser version 2.0.0.7, had to use Internet Explorer.

Each game play step was copied and pasted and then colorization and formatting performed post-game play, so there may be some typos.

Enjoy!

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial is a trademark of Universal Studios
Firefox is a trademark of Mozilla Foundation
Reese's Pieces is a trademark of The Hershey Company

Green with INVI

Table of Contents

• Codename INVI
• Cooking & Compounding
• Clearly Contaminated
• Cool Can with Curved Colophon
• Commercial Caption
• Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi
• <poof> usage
• voCabulary

Paint : Codename INVI

When I was a little boy my favorite color was 'green', but now I think its 'invisible'. Now, I don't mean to indicate 'clear', as in putting on a clear coat finish, or the invisible things all around you, like the "air", but invisible as paint. Paint? Yeah, nice liquid paint that turns solid. I want to be able to paint things and have them <poof> away. So I am testing my most recent invention right now in my kitchen and adjusting the ingredients for the recipe.

Cooking & Compounding

I haven't really decided whether painted objects should disappear just as soon as the paint is applied or whether they slowly become invisible based on how dry the paint is. The painted object is still there, of course, you can pick it up, feel it, brush your teeth with it (preferably when its dry), toss it across the room and hit your sister in the back of the head. It has been a secret lifelong dream of mine to hear my older sister say, "Mom, make him stop, Ernie's throwing invisible things at me again". I've noticed that nobody calls me 'Ernest', except for the people who don't know me. Officials, like, judges and the nice policemen and those guys with the funny white jacket last week. Some folks have abbreviated me all the way down to "Ern", and a few to just the simple, singular, sound "E". So I have slowly become partially invisible in name.

Viewing INVI – Clearly Contaminated

I invented eyeglasses that work in two modes: To be able to see the painted invisble – oops, ts startng to happen, splled some of my invisble pant on my keyboard and the letter that rhymes wth "eye" sn't showng up now n all of my words, just notced t n the word "invisble". At least 2 out of 3 of the "eyes" of invisble were still vsble.

{PAUSE for Keyboard Cleanup}

Well, I got most of the paint cleaned off the keyboard. The word "invisble" is still "broken", there must be some INVI paint inside the very middle of that particular word that I can't get it out of the computer's dictionary. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I just the painted invisble objects. What?!?!? That last sentence didn't make complete sense! Oh, pause for another cleanup: The word "see' should have been in there twice. That sentence should have been "Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to see either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I see just the painted invisble objects." I must be getting invisble paint in several places in the dictionary, now it's making a mess of my writing. Oh, now I understand, one of the first entire words that I should expect to lose is "see" when dealing with invisble paint. So I may have to switch to the homonym "sea" if the word "see' disappears again. That is going to be really confusing if I have to use certain words together, like "sea green" – everyone is going to think: Exactly what does Ernest mean by that? I am so glad you called me 'Ernest' instead of Ernie, Ern or E in your thoughts just then. Don't you think it sounds more professional?

Deliverance, Safety & Technical Issues – Cool Can with Curved Colophon

Spray or brush? Water based or oil? I just noticed that the can of paint disappeared, {soft bump noise from elbow}, oh, there it is. This is very inconvenient. Its kind of like dealing with last week's super-superglue, be very careful where you put things - together. I was worried about how to put a label on the can. Here is an interesting phenomenon: The paint on the inside of the can made the can disappear, but the label that I later put on the outside doesn't disappear! Maybe there's a time delay feature? Cool. So whatever the paint originally touches turned invisible, or maybe it only affects things while the paint is still wet? I will have to do more test work on this puzzling aspect. This is really cool, you should come to my kitchen and see this! – The label is curved around the INVI paint can and the label appears to be floating in mid air. I can read back through the label and see the reverse print. How neat! I'm calling Steven Spielberg right now. Lets see, he is speed dial "77" – no, Steve-o's line is busy again.

I noticed that the end of my right index finger used on the spray nozzle is starting to disappear, and it's becoming numb! I had better get this washed off soon. Let me finish typing this first though, you know how important scientific progress is.

Brand Name of Product – Commercial Caption

I haven't come up with a good sounding brand name just yet. Here are my ideas so far:

• "Adjustable Translucence" – no, that's really a feature, depending on dilution.
• "Eye See You", no, that might get confused with the hospital acronym ICU, which is where I may be going if this finger gets any worse.
• "Casper" – no, and what made me want to name it after a city in Wyoming? Oh, now I remember, ghost & friendly, and my product is really neither of those (finger).
• "Patrick Swayze & Whoopi Goldberg" – no, too Hollywood-ish, supernatural & "Ghostie". Actually that sounds more like a good name for a "Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream®"
• "Bare" – no, too similar to the existing paint brand name "Behr®"
• "The Emperor's New Paint" – that's the one I like the best.

FOLLOW UP IMPORTANT DISCOVERY - Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi

I sent a rough draft note to one of my best friends on the other side of Texas about this invention and her response was:

I enjoyed your story about the ".........." paint. Hey, how'd you do that? It is affecting my keyboard too!

I performed some more testing and sent her back this reply:

That is really something that it infected your computer keyboard. It looks like I invented a new class of chemical based keyboard confounding computer virus, how strange! Here is a solution: I found that the Bic® office product "Wite Out®" surprisingly reverses the effect of the INVI Paint, so just start putting that everywhere, except avoid your mouth, eyes and certain mucous membrane-ish sensitive "other places". Be sure to follow all warnings on the labels of products.

Note About <poof> Usage

You have probably noticed by now that I like a good italicized poof in pointy brackets every once in a while in my writings. "<poof>" might be an interesting thing to put on a headstone, but not mine please. One single word "<poof>", yeah, a magician's headstone, that would be perfect.

Vocabulary

• Colophon - A name or other device placed on merchandise to signify its ownership or manufacture
• Psy-Phi – This kind of story

Physician's Note to the Family, Friends and Fans of Ernest:

No fingers were really harmed in the making of this blog post. That is just a photograph. He's all there. Well, not really all "all" there, if you know what I mean. He just got up from a nap and is having some "coffee" with "creamer". And the only thing cooking in the kitchen this morning was C-o-W oatmeal. After the first disaster, we don't let Ernest ANYwhere near the kitchen.

Ernstein: What Goofballs Sound Like at the Speed of Light

The Medical Drama and Mathematical Melodrama:

My wife and I were sitting in a doctor's exam room waiting for medical results on 9/11 of 2007. I begin a cell phone conversation with my son, an engineering student. As part of the conversation I mention that since her recent surgery, his mother thinks everything tastes too salty, including my humor. My son thinks that is pretty funny (the my humor part). It is rare that he ever tells me anything of mine is very funny. I tell him that I wrote that line several hours ago but that I had waited to tell his mother that line until I could also tell him simultaneously.

Then I suddenly realize this physical reality and numeric similarity:

i) My wife's closest ear is approximately 100 centimeters away from my mouth

ii) My mouth is maybe a couple centimeters from my cellphone microphone

iii) My son's ear is roughly a centimeter away from his cellphone speaker

iv) My son is approximately 100 miles away from me

And then I wonder: Who heard it first?

Non-Geek Warning: Don't Try to Understand This Next Paragraph

The Dilemma of the Digital Delay: I had tried for simultaneousness only to realize that maybe my son who is far away physically may actually have heard the sound of my joke before my wife based on the speed of sound versus the speed of light/electricity. My thought is I am unsure of how much delay is created in the cell phone circuits as the electrical signal is periodically re-amplified at various stages of the transmission process, goes through telephone switching circuits, possible digital information buffering, multiplexing, and undergoes Analog to Digital & Digital to Analog conversion at each transducer step.

My son's response: "Dad, you're a goofball"

My wife's response: "Get off the phone, the doctor's coming"

For everyone out there who has been anxiously waiting for the more important information, the doctor's news was good about my wife.

My Phone-y Numerical Results Later in the Evening:

The son 100 miles away heard the sound 5 times sooner than the wife 100 centimeters away.

Reach out and hug someone. Faster. By phone.

Appendix: Calculations for Goofballs & Geeks & Nerds

Here is the time delay for the speed of sound to travel 100 cm:

Speed of sound at 70 F : 771 mph

I didn't try to compensate for our elevation of ~3000 ft above sea level

100 cm / 2.54 cm/in = 39.37 in = 3.281 ft

771 mph * 5280 ft/mile = 4070880 ft per hour (speed of sound at 70 F) from a web site

1129 ft per second

3.281 ft / 1129 ft per sec.. 0.002906 seconds to travel 100 cm

Here is the time delay for the speed of light to travel 100 miles:

Speed of light 186,282 miles per second

100 miles * 1 / 186282 seconds per mile = 0.000536 seconds, so around a half a millisecond to travel 100 miles.

So if there is citizen of cyberchatland who knows more about this subject than me, or would like to confirm my physics and math or correct for gross errors, please comment.

My Wife is More Interesting Than a Dead Buffalo

It was suppertime on Wednesday evening and I show my dog Cooper that we're having buffalo burger for supper before we go outside to play. Then we head out to the backyard while it simmers.

But he soon forgets the buffalo and becomes maniacally interested in the stupid stray cat just beyond reach behind the north fence. I can see Mr. Black Cat through the cracks in the fence, although Cooper has only his nose to guide him, due to the height difference in the two backyards. Mr. Black Cat has the "upper" hand (or paw) and is causing deep mental consternation for Cooper and he is running back and forth along the fence and wants nothing to do with me, a ball and Quality Time. His sound is a mix of these: Focus. Focus on feline. Ferocious focus on feline on far side of fence. Later I tell him several times that supper is ready, using a variety of words, my sounds are focusing on the key word 'buffalo', a word he clearly knows but he doesn't respond at present. Zip bark, zip growl, zip whine along the wall, I can smell you through the cracks, repeat ad nauseum. Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishcat, well, Cooper doesn't really know the nationality of the cat, so I'm not sure how he would have ended that nursery rhyme. I finally resort to lying to my dog and yell out the back door to let him know that my wife is home (even though she isn't and hasn't been there for a week and who knows how many more). I yell out "Tamie's home" just out of eyeshot at the back door and in seconds he comes blasting into the house and goes to the living room and skids to a stop between her chair and the couch and stares at the front door, tail wagging. So I have reconfirmed another communication milestone that he understands that phrase after discovering its power a few weeks ago by accident. And to think I had to lie to our dog just to get him to come eat one of his favorite things.

So Honey, heal up and come home soon from your trip, as the dog thinks you are more interesting than a dead buffalo or a live cat.

Epilogue

Most all is getting well in the world – Tamie is now really home, recuperating and re-Cooper-ating, even more buffalo has been consumed, but the firecracker still frustrates just beyond the fence as the sleeping fetal positioned puppy barks in low volume and high pitch in his dreams at my feet.

Where I Recently Ate and Didn't Die - KenFriChi

Where I Recently Ate and Didn't Die: Where I just ate was at my house with 8 million people from around the world according to a certain restaurant chain web site, but more importantly what I had was from an Oriental restaurant called KenFriChi. Most people know it by a different abbreviation of KFC and probably wonder why I called it an Oriental place. Well, I thought that “KenFriChi” sounded more Oriental, especially if you say it really really really fast, and I confirmed just now through KFC’s history that Col. Sanders first restaurant was in Corbin Ky, which Google told me is in the eastern part of the state, and Kentucky itself is in the Eastern part of the country, so yeah, it’s a doubly Oriental restaurant that serves non-Oriental food, how unique. Nope – I was wrong, just checked their website – they serve rice. Oh, and it’s a Double Didn't-Died Day as I had KenFriChi two days in a row. Oooo°°°ooooh, living & eating dan-ger-ously.

3 Ways To Be Thankful For 4 Feet

• My current blonde dog has 4 feet versus the previous blonde dog that only had 3. She was unfortunate enough to be ran over twice by automobiles in her life, yet lucky enough to have possessed a cat-like 9 lives nature to have survived, with the surgical loss of one front limb. She lived out a fruitful productive life of 14 years and with a NASCAR mentality, still managed to outrun the children to the trash dumpster in the alley when it was time to race, her favorite activity "White Dog Trash Racing".
  
• One of my tomato plants is more than 4 feet tall and wide at its extremes. The latest new game that the current blonde dog and I play is for me to be on one side of the garden and throw a tennis ball for him to catch in mid air, and then he brings it around the wall of tomato plants, sometimes drops it right in my hand, and then scoots back around to the other side to play catch again.
  
• My equatorial circumference is less than 4 feet. I have seen pictures of my ancestors, and some of them were rather huge people, so I am glad that the growth has seemed to have been halted. This summer the playing with the pupster and the plowing, planting, weeding and watering of the tomatoes has probably helped minimize me, although no where close to the "Mini-Me" of yester years.

Patching the Puppy's Pool

If you use clear duct tape to patch your dog's above ground swimming pool to repair the damage caused by using a snow shovel to drain the water (i.e. create your own version of a manually driven muscle powered tsunami machine), you might be a Redneck. Only a Redneck wouldn't use the word 'tsunami', he would use the technical term "big ol' wave". The only time a Redneck uses "tsunami" is as a complete sentence in a hog calling contest.

Ford Cares: About Bunnies & Air Bags

I was surprised one day last week to discover that Ford Motor Company cares so much about bunnies. As I flipped the visor up in my car there was a warning sticker about air bags and infant car seats with a bunny as the victim of an air bag mishap in the diagram. The 1st photo is directly from my 1998 Ford Motor Company automobile, not retouched. The 2nd close-up from the previous photo is even more shocking as it indicates that bunny ears could possibly become detached by a sudden blow to the back of the head. I was shocked and saddened, and decided something must be done. An appropriate safety investigation was initiated by our not-for-profit organization Compare, Scare & Impair Labs Inc.

From the warning sticker diagram, we decided to calculate the bunny size – it looked rather large - that way we could get a handle on how big of a bunny people could safely haul in the front seat of their car. Our product safety evaluation division at C,S & I Labs performed body density experiments on 14 bunnies in a large water tank. We found some cute little bunny sized scuba gear to assure animal safety with the measurements. We determined an average bunny body density of 0.974 gm/cc and created a comparison diagram (see 3rd photo). The comparison calculates out to a 22 pound Ford bunny! Man, that sure seems like a huge bunny! Maybe they have huge bunnies with easily detachable ears in Detroit, Michigan where they do the Ford bunny art. We decided not to perform any tests on our bunnies to see how easily their ears detach. Out of politeness, if you ever see any earless bunnies, just quietly remind everyone around you with a whisper, "They must be Ford bunnies from Michigan". And tell your children not to stare. And on April Fools Day use this same line for gerbils and hampsters.

Our final scientific safety advice is to haul your bunnies safely secured in the rear seat of your automobile, properly restrained. Oh, and for some reason our Texan bunnies really didn't like the water tank. We didn't lose any, but it was close on a couple of them, leaky facemasks. I wasn't about to perform CPR on a bunny, so Friday would have been stew night at our weekly lab cookout. Are we out of carrots again?

Scuba, snorkeling & surfing gear for the bunnies was graciously loaned from and available for purchase online or catalog at Hare of the Mare LLP.