A Pair of Penguin Pals

MyWife, Son 2 and I stopped at Starbucks and when I get to the table with my drink, Son 2 is playing with this cute stuffed penguin. I look behind him and in the basket of stuffed animals there is one and only one, more Aptenodytes Starbucki. So I decide "ah ha, there is Elisa's birthday present" But then I notice that Son 2's penguin has a cuter left wing that is stuck up at an angle, waving 'Hi', and when I ask him to exchange, he refuses, and by this time he has named them. His is "Scrappy" and mine is "Ned". Son 2 gloats that Ned is far inferior to Scrappy, and Scrappy is dancing, making voices, singing, and doing gymnastics. Then Son 2 gets out his camera phone and has MyWife make him dance while Son 2 records video. MyWife even supplied some music.

That was a few days before Thanksgiving. So Son 2 shows up for T-Day and I ask him if he brought Scrappy and he says "No" but then immediately gets him out of his coat pocket with a proud poppa smile, and my dog immediately thinks he has a new CHEW toy. So I wisely put both penguins high in my bedroom out of the dog's sight on top of the DVD recorder. Well, Son 2, being a bad pet owner, forgets Scrappy when he goes home a few days later. The next day I get a text message from Son 2 that says "Scrappy doesn't like Ned sitting so close to him" so I move them to opposite sides of the DVD recorder and respond back. I almost shot a photo of them kissing but decided against that.

So a few days later MyWife is headed to Amarillo by herself and I remind her to take Scrappy to Son 2. Well, I am sitting at the table and as I am busy writing something, I see a "Jaws" shark feeding type motion at the edge of the table just inches away (and keep in mind I didn't know MyWife had brought Scrappy in from the bedroom). Milliseconds later the flash of moving colors registers in my brain as "penguin -> rescue now" and I go running into the living room and yell angrily at my dog who is in motion, who suddenly whips around and just happens to let go of Scrappy just enough that I rip him out of the dog's mouth without damaging any fur, just a little saliva stained and soaked. So I scolded the dog and MyWife felt bad about leaving him at the edge of the table, but then I said, "well, Scrappy just about turned into Crappy", and she decided not to tell Son 2 the story, but then later told him anyway.

Me - A Male Model

I go to the doctor's office for a routine blood test, for cholesterol and other things. There I encounter "a newbie" to the sharp metal pokie blood business. First she tries the right arm using a rather uncomfortable heroin addict style restrictor, can't find a vein and then tries the left arm, no success. She decides wisely to go get help after two failures, and returns with Ms. Experienced, who walks in the room jokingly & questioningly scolds me for making trouble, and I lower my head, quiver my lower lip and say I'm sorry in my best acting voice, going for a performance of a scared 7 year old little girl.

They laugh, we laugh, and then she tries the left arm, no luck, okay, I'm getting irritated but I try not to show it, my skin is raw, sore, and she goes for the right arm, this time finally some success. Then very carefully I look up towards them just barely avoiding eye contact and right as she is fixing to poke me I say, "Could you be really careful and try not to leave any marks. I'm fixing to go on a photo shoot as a bicep muscle model" and then make eye contact with them and we all burst out laughing. So as she tries to get blood I continue to whisper every few seconds under my breath "Bicep Muscle Model" and she giggles and tells me to shut up.

My arm looked very bad for several days. And my cholesterol was too high. But my regimen of Honey Nut Cheerios seems to have helped. Now we'll see if omega 3 fish oil improves it.

Circular Sirius Soccer

My dog and I have a new game we just invented today called "Circular Sirius Soccer". It is played with a slightly deflated basketball. It is played on a somewhat circular track around my garden. As I walk in one direction on the track I kick the basketball "soccer-style" and the dog tries to take the ball away from me. Most of the time he tries to go in the opposite direction from me.

There are no rules yet for scoring. They will come soon.

The ancient Egyptians called the star Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky, the "Dog Star", so it was included in the name of the game. I have a bright dog.

You Too Can Have A New Blue Who Tattoo

Everything – Get a tattoo of everything on earth.

Just one tattoo will get everything. How? Don't think 'How', think 'Who', as in the book 'Horton Hears a Who' by Dr. Seuss, think small. Very small? No, smaller than that. Very, very, very small.

Tattoo a Blue Dot – 0.002 inches in diameter – in the palm of your hand. Its what the earth looks like from millions of miles away. Its too early in the morning to calculate exactly how many miles.

Optional Dual Coverage – A Black Dot – Same size – Based on previous scientific color human perception testing that I performed in the state of Connecticut in the year 1994, I realized that a blue dot would be what the earth would look like when illuminated by the sun, but when seen from the other direction far far away, it probably is much darker, so a black dot will do. Two dots, two views, now you truly have a view of everything on earth at one time, both directions.

Funeral Music – "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" – now when people sing this song at your funeral it will be accurate, especially if you put a blue dot in the palm of one hand and a black dot in the palm of the other one..

Design Trademarked – please send me $25 for each single blue who dot tattoo, $37.50 for the dual dot view, dark & light, black & blue set, for a 50% price discount on the second dot.

Now you will be able to say things like:
"I've got a tattoo of the Great Wall of China – the entire thing, just look right there"

Additional Note: Help me become the richest man in the world. If I can sell the $37.50 dual dot tattoo design to half the world's population, I could get about 100 billion dollars and I think that would make me number one.

Unipedal Exercise

I just invented a new form of exercise. It is rather simple. Just try to spend as much time as possible on one foot. Balance. Give each foot equal time. Make your transitions graceful, slow and flowing.