My Wife Discovers Me Sleeping With An Elephant And I Hadn't Even Noticed

Actually it was two elephants but it was dark and she didn't have her eyeglasses.

A few weeks ago before Thanksgiving I noticed that my wife's bedroom dresser was dustier than normal so I wiped it down while also vacuuming. I don't normally dust in my house but we have been terribly busy at our business so she has been doing less around the house.

I decided that I would make it my secondary minor main mission in life to always keep her dresser dust-free but never let her know about it, and see if she ever noticed. Then I would conjure up something to eXplain it.

About a week later she smiled at me asked if I had dusted her dresser. I insisted that I had not. I told her that I had warned the dust while I was vacuuming that they were neXt, but when I came back they had mysteriously left. She looked puzzled and I repeated my story adding a few more details but then she finally caught on and laughed while shaking her head.

So I dusted again yesterday.

I woke early this morning to noises in my bedroom of my wife leaving the room at 3 AM. I decided to have a cup of coffee and I asked my wife how she was doing on my way to the kitchen.

She asked me, "Why is the elephant in the bed?"

Of course I think that maybe she is asleep talking, insane or both.

I asked her what she meant, giggling.

She said she found the elephant figurine (which normally lives on the top side middle of the dresser) in the bed near my feet.

Not wishing to tell her that I had dusted yesterday, I responded, "The dust must have carried the elephants over there when they left yesterday." Now I have a mental picture of the dust as Hannibal's army crossing the Alps with their military elephants with the dresser as Carthage and my bed as Rome and the carpet as the Mediterranean Sea. Then I realize that would be backwards north and south.

She now thinks I am the one who is insane but I repeat my story leaving out the whole interesting Hannibalian military dust adventure but only make it about halfway when I tell her that, yes, I moved the elephants while dusting. But she is still groggy and doesn't understand this either or maybe I confused her with the elephants plural, so I have to repeat myself.

The second elephant is a baby about 40 percent as tall blended into and under the larger elephant. So luckily it didn't get broke during the dust exodus-t.

-----

I just wrote this holiday joke:

Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny were talking one day. The Easter Bunny said, "Does it ever bother you that most people get to have a middle name but we don't?"

Santa looks confused and tells him, "I thought 'Easter' was your middle name, The."

Misplaced Moose Ears, McRib Poem and More

I am printing some moose art for someone. The ears don't quite look right,  so I googled "moose head" and noticed several ears drawn improperly.

-----

If you are too chilly, just remember:

Its almost summer!

(In Chile)

-----

My wife was not amused by my answers to her question, "What should I wear to jury duty?"

I immediately responded with, "A tuxedo."

After negative feedback, my second try was a pair of overalls with suspenders, straw hat, and a corncob pipe, oh, yes, and sandals."

More negative feedback.

-----

We have a strange house activity. NCIS can be playing nearly aLL day, sometimes on both teleBisions, sometimes both muted, and I reaLLy don't watch it much any more. I wake to gunfire too often.

-----

A Yummy Sandwich:

Cold Turkey

Cold Oyster Dressing

Sauer Kraut

Freshly Sauteéd Onions Chopped

American Cheese

on Mrs Baird's Honey Wheat Bread with Miracle Whip and Mustard

-----

I just looked in a trash can 

And there see our eyes be?

An empty food container

Imprinted M-c-R-i-b

The drought is over ....

-----

While shopping on Black Friday:

"Ernie, I just saved 214 dollars!"

"That's okay, as long as it ends up in my pocket."

-----

The Otter Box (brand) protective cover for my iPhone is starting to deteriorate. I guess I should get an Outer Box for my Otter Box.

-----

I am talking to my wife about our Epson 4900 printer and she remarks, "That is the smartest thing you ever did was get that." I told her, "I thought the smartest decision I ever made to get something was to get you (?)" - she laughed, and said, "Yeah, that too!"

-----

The strange thing that happened to me on November 19th: Someone drove to my house, parked illegally in front of it, the driver got out and while looking straight at me, he threw his lit cigarette onto my winter brown dry lawn and proceeded to stomp twist extinguish it with his foot. I found this to be rather rude behavior.

-----

I tell Tamie that I hurt reaLLy bad, entire body, ache.

She asks me, "Have you taken some ibuprofen?"

I say, "I need heroine"

"You aren't taking heroin!"

(Notice my speLLing)