Order Your Mom's Cake, Earl

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to A Funeral

(AND then more things happened at the funeral)

Photo taken in Stinnett TX on April 20, 2008 – ESBB/QSG

Open With A Joke

• First Part: There is fungus in world.
• Now add the plural: There are fungi in the world.
• And finally the punch line: And then there are fun guys in the world. As well as fun gal things.

Every once in a while I like to start something with a joke, even if it is a lame punny joke like that one. But when I write a joke, such as the one above, I usually save them for either someone special in particular, some fun guy, or just whoever might happen to be the next fun guy to appear randomly as the universe sends them to me conveyor belt style. Boom! Poof! Stamp! Next! But sometimes it is a combination of the two, I don’t know premeditatedly who it will be for, but when the right fun guy (or fun gal) happens to show up, I usually know.

It has been around a year since someone in particular died that I knew but wasn’t necessarily close to and may not have even been able to pick them out in a crowd. But I go to a lot of funerals because I care about people and heavily family oriented. So this is the story of my step-father’s sister’s funeral from my perspective. It is a completely true story from my perspective, in other words, I may have got some facts wrong, but that would pale in comparison to the story overall.

Death By Phone

One day in 2008 there was a message on my telephone answering machine from my mother. In a very quiet sad voice my mother is telling me about her sister-in-law passing away and she didn’t know when the funeral was going to be but I believe she did tell me where. My wife and I played the recording several times trying get the information out of the message. And I remembered that my mother had told me on my last visit to her house how ‘Jeannine’ (my step-father’s sister) wasn’t doing very well health wise. So I patched these two events together in my mind. I tried calling my mother several times to get and confirm information but she was oddly never home. So I tried my sister who lived in the same city and was able to get the time and place for the funeral.

On The Road

Here is my piece of funny that lands right in my lap as I am driving down the road on the day of the funeral: The words on the sign of the Dairy Queen in Stinnett Texas. The message was supposed to be – Order Your Mom’s Cake Early – for the upcoming Mother’s Day holiday, but it said this instead – Order Your Mom’s Cake, Earl – like it was an imperative voice demanding Earl to get it done, now! - before it was too late. I later came back to Stinnett TX just to shoot a photograph of the sign (below). So this wound up being the funny thing I just had to tell somebody. I think I may have cell phoned someone, not sure. But I still had over an hour’s drive to go and I was going to make it just in time.

Arrival

When I got to the church in Darrouzett, Texas I “had” to go somewhere and that caused me to have just enough time and be in just the right spot, so that when I left the “had to” room, I saw my favorite ex-brother-in-law Steve who I had not been in contact with for maybe a little more than 2 years. Steve! It hadn’t dawned on me that he would be there, and then I remembered all the connections and, oh, yeah, I remembered that my sister Teresa, who is really my adopted first cousin on my father’s side of the family, was briefly married to Steve, who is the nephew of my step-father (small world, low population density in our part of it) and that he was there because his aunt had died, oh, I got it then. So I go down the hall to greet him, and keep this in mind, he is one of my favorite fun guys. And I have this funny sign I just saw. And the funeral is just fixing to start in maybe 15 minutes. So just as I approach Steve, my closest step-sister Leanne, Steve’s first cousin and daughter of my step-father, is joined by my mother, the four of us in the hallway. So I greet Steve and then tell him about the sign. He laughs, but there is a strange concerned look, identical, on both my mother and Leanne. And then I head on down the hallway of the church to greet other people. This is the town I graduated from high school so I know several people and 3 times that number of people know who I am even though I left home 30 years before. I go back very often to visit.

Sit Where?

Someone had handed me a funeral announcement of the deceased person as I had walked in the door, but I had not had time to look at it until after all the family members had lined up in the hallway to enter the sanctuary for the funeral. I usually sit with my mother or father during funerals and then realized that my mother would be right up at the very front, so I decided I would courteously ask my mother where she wanted me to sit during the funeral. But I opened the announcement to read about Jeannine first. Only it didn’t have Jeannine’s name. It had the name of Steve’s mother. Oh, my. Somehow I had not got the message as to which of my step-father’s sister’s had passed away. It wasn’t the one my mother had been talking about on my last visit. I had just told a Mother’s Day Joke to a guy who had just lost his mother. I felt terrible. So I go to the head of the line to ask my mother where she would like me to sit. She points to a nearly solitary figure off to the left who is seated on the non-family reserved side of the church. Near the back. My mother says to me, “Well, if you would go sit by Zell, that would be nice”

I had no idea who Zell was. I just figured she was someone that my mother knew, most likely someone from the Darrouzett area. But again, remember I am still in an embarrassed shock state, and I just gotta tell somebody about the horrible mistake I have just made with Steve. So I slip around to the left side of the church pew and slide in and introduce myself as Patricia Meller’s son Ernie, and she smiles and acts like she knows who I am (again, this happens a lot in Darrouzett to me, people know me through my parents, but I have no idea what their name is. So I just happen to notice a second lone person on the same side of the church near the front, and I ask Zell, “That looks like the back of the head of my sister, do you happen to know her, is that my sister Terri?” She smiles and says, “Yes, that is your sister Terri” So I go scooting up the outside of the edge of the church pews and kneel right by my sister and tell her my Earl-Cake-Steve-Story and her eyes just bug out and she snickers, “You haven’t told anyone yet, have you???” “NO!!! just you right now” So I go back to the spot beside Zell and play with a cute tiny girl who I find out shortly during the funeral service is the daughter of the pastor of the church. Small world. I think she was around 1 ½ years old. But before the funeral starts, unknown to me, my step-sister Leann walks up to my mother, and asks her, “say, I just now saw Ernie sitting by my mother (Zell) and I was wondering, does he know who she is?” And my mom thought for a second, and she wasn’t sure if I knew who Zell was. And of course with Zell living in Wichita Kansas (same as both my step sisters and brother) I had never recalled seeing her nor is she a frequent enough person in the conversations that my mother and I have, so naturally I had no idea that she was my step-father’s ex-wife, but also a Darrouzett native, I believe, from her childhood.

Let the Fun-eral Begin

So the funeral starts. My sister Terri winds up singing two songs during the service. Ahhh, that is the reason she was sitting alone near the piano near the front of the church earlier. And then on into the service, the pastor makes some mention of his daughter during his sermon, I forget what the tie in to the message was now. And then he mentions that Patsy Meller (my mother) was going to now say a few words about Steve’s mother Dorothy. Now the thought that passed through my brain just then and my mother’s brain were two entirely different things. The thought that passed through my brain was, this is interesting, my mother and sister, neither one a blood relative of the deceased are part of the “show”. BUT the thought that went through my mother’s brain was quite different, one of shock, the kind you get when you are asked to do something publicly AFTER you have already said NO you did NOT want to perform the activity. The pastor had asked her if she would compile a few things to say about the deceased because he did not know her (she had been living in Oklahoma City – but like so many other people, they come back to Darrouzett to be buried with their family). So my mother had agreed to compile the list of stories for the pastor BUT had clearly told him she would not be able to speak at the funeral. It seems their wires got crossed. Or Not. Who knows. So she bravely and really quite eloquently got up in front of the church and told a few stories about some of the special things that Steve’s mother had done, her special interests and how much she meant to so many people, especially to her grandchildren. But then she ended her stories with one that involved just her and Steve’s mother Dorothy. The story took place shortly after my mother had divorced my father. She and Dorothy were on a car trip to Oklahoma City for a medical appointment for Dorothy and my mother had told Dorothy this statement: “I just feel like I have lost my family and I’ll never have another one again” Now, when my sister Terri and I heard this, we were in momentary shock with the same thought passing through our brains, “What the hell did she mean by THAT?!?!? We were very supportive of our mother’s cause to leave our father and had been very supportive of her and had maintained a close contact over the years, so just what on earth did she mean by LOST HER FAMILY??? Am I a ‘lost’ ??? ” Now all that went through my brain and my sister’s brain at exactly the same time, same thoughts, same bewilderment, and then my mother next says what Dorothy’s response was (Oh, I forgot to tell you that this road trip event was BEFORE my mother had married Dorothy’s brother) “Don’t worry, Patsy, someday you will have another family” to which my mother closed her final story with a gesture out to the packed family side of the church, “and you guys became my new family to replace my lost one”. Okay, now this is NO comfort, (as you might have guessed!!!) to my sister Terri or to myself, we are going to have to get an interpretation of what this means, when we were ‘lost’, when or IF we ever became ‘found’ again, oh, I just knew there was going to be a good story in here some where to make fun of my mother.

Retreat To Eat…(or “I Once Was Lost But Now I’m Found”)

So the graveside service happens. We come back to town. We come back to the church to eat. I am fairly close to the front of the line of people to eat so I am able to find my sister Terri and we sit together and ask each other briefly what on earth mom meant by her “lost family”. So then my mother shows up to eat at the table with my sister Terri and Terri goes first, “SO, you decided to come sit with your LOST family, heh?” and my mother just dies laughing and is trying to explain as Terri continues to tease her. Mom tells us that she was just so flustered by the whole speaking process during the service, because even though she had pulled off a beautiful presentation, she had NOT prepared to speak, and of course, essentially no one in the audience knew that. I knew my voice box would have locked up tight. So I was even more amazed and proud of her that she had accomplished that feat. Then she explained that what she meant by her LOST family was her in-laws, all the people she had known not only since first marriage, but actually several people even before her marriage, from her school days in the Darrouzett area. For after my parents bitter divorce (bitter from my father’s angle) my mother had kind of kept her distance from my father’s side of the family. And these were people that she deeply cared for and had known, and for some of them, for close to 50 years, even though her marriage had ended after only 38 years. Darrouzett is a small town, the smallest in the county at a current population of 303. So then when she had got married to my step father, she actually got hooked into essentially the OTHER half of the town as in-laws!

One More “Oh!”

So later in the day I asked my step-sister LeAnne what her plans were, and she mentioned that she needed to get her mother back to Wichita. So I asked her if she could introduce us, and where is she? So this just caused my step sister to just crack up laughing because she realized I was serious when at first she thought I was joking, “Ernie! She was sitting right beside you during the funeral, you two were the only ones on that pew and I know I saw you talking to her!” Oh, then it dawned on her that there had probably never been an occasion in all the times I had been to Wichita to visit my mother that Zell would have been around, so then she got the big picture, and it kind of all made sense to her.

Sorry, Another “Oh!”

But I wasn’t exactly sure how to tell Steve about how I came to the “wrong” person’s funeral so I decided to wait and talk to my mother first. So we talked briefly before I left the church after the meal and then I went to my mother’s house. Then I told my mother about going to the “wrong” funeral and being devastated by the realization that I was the only person experiencing this grand mistake. My mother said, at least it didn’t happen during the funeral, at least when they said the name of the deceased you didn’t go “WHAT? WHO DIED, STEVE’S MOTHER???” really loud. That would have been worse. I told her, well, then I would have been part of the entertainment committee as well, Mom, Terri, and Ernie. And I told her about meeting Jeannine for the first time that I could remember, I am sure she was at my mother’s wedding, but that was a long time ago, and you know, half of everyone at a wedding is a nervously happy stranger by default. So my mother tells me that she will tell Steve the next time she goes to the Oklahoma City area in private about me not knowing that his mother had died, the events and discussion before that had resulted in my confusion and that I had meant no disrespect for his mother. I have not checked with my mother lately IF she ever got around to telling Steve this story.

When I got home I told my wife the events of the day. She told me that she had known which sister of my step father had died, and that she had no idea that I didn’t know.

I never dreamed that someday I would be able to blame Dairy Queen for helping me mess up someone’s funeral. I am just a fun and funny guy, even at funerals.

A Pair of Penguin Pals

MyWife, Son 2 and I stopped at Starbucks and when I get to the table with my drink, Son 2 is playing with this cute stuffed penguin. I look behind him and in the basket of stuffed animals there is one and only one, more Aptenodytes Starbucki. So I decide "ah ha, there is Elisa's birthday present" But then I notice that Son 2's penguin has a cuter left wing that is stuck up at an angle, waving 'Hi', and when I ask him to exchange, he refuses, and by this time he has named them. His is "Scrappy" and mine is "Ned". Son 2 gloats that Ned is far inferior to Scrappy, and Scrappy is dancing, making voices, singing, and doing gymnastics. Then Son 2 gets out his camera phone and has MyWife make him dance while Son 2 records video. MyWife even supplied some music.

That was a few days before Thanksgiving. So Son 2 shows up for T-Day and I ask him if he brought Scrappy and he says "No" but then immediately gets him out of his coat pocket with a proud poppa smile, and my dog immediately thinks he has a new CHEW toy. So I wisely put both penguins high in my bedroom out of the dog's sight on top of the DVD recorder. Well, Son 2, being a bad pet owner, forgets Scrappy when he goes home a few days later. The next day I get a text message from Son 2 that says "Scrappy doesn't like Ned sitting so close to him" so I move them to opposite sides of the DVD recorder and respond back. I almost shot a photo of them kissing but decided against that.

So a few days later MyWife is headed to Amarillo by herself and I remind her to take Scrappy to Son 2. Well, I am sitting at the table and as I am busy writing something, I see a "Jaws" shark feeding type motion at the edge of the table just inches away (and keep in mind I didn't know MyWife had brought Scrappy in from the bedroom). Milliseconds later the flash of moving colors registers in my brain as "penguin -> rescue now" and I go running into the living room and yell angrily at my dog who is in motion, who suddenly whips around and just happens to let go of Scrappy just enough that I rip him out of the dog's mouth without damaging any fur, just a little saliva stained and soaked. So I scolded the dog and MyWife felt bad about leaving him at the edge of the table, but then I said, "well, Scrappy just about turned into Crappy", and she decided not to tell Son 2 the story, but then later told him anyway.

Me - A Male Model

I go to the doctor's office for a routine blood test, for cholesterol and other things. There I encounter "a newbie" to the sharp metal pokie blood business. First she tries the right arm using a rather uncomfortable heroin addict style restrictor, can't find a vein and then tries the left arm, no success. She decides wisely to go get help after two failures, and returns with Ms. Experienced, who walks in the room jokingly & questioningly scolds me for making trouble, and I lower my head, quiver my lower lip and say I'm sorry in my best acting voice, going for a performance of a scared 7 year old little girl.

They laugh, we laugh, and then she tries the left arm, no luck, okay, I'm getting irritated but I try not to show it, my skin is raw, sore, and she goes for the right arm, this time finally some success. Then very carefully I look up towards them just barely avoiding eye contact and right as she is fixing to poke me I say, "Could you be really careful and try not to leave any marks. I'm fixing to go on a photo shoot as a bicep muscle model" and then make eye contact with them and we all burst out laughing. So as she tries to get blood I continue to whisper every few seconds under my breath "Bicep Muscle Model" and she giggles and tells me to shut up.

My arm looked very bad for several days. And my cholesterol was too high. But my regimen of Honey Nut Cheerios seems to have helped. Now we'll see if omega 3 fish oil improves it.

Circular Sirius Soccer

My dog and I have a new game we just invented today called "Circular Sirius Soccer". It is played with a slightly deflated basketball. It is played on a somewhat circular track around my garden. As I walk in one direction on the track I kick the basketball "soccer-style" and the dog tries to take the ball away from me. Most of the time he tries to go in the opposite direction from me.

There are no rules yet for scoring. They will come soon.

The ancient Egyptians called the star Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky, the "Dog Star", so it was included in the name of the game. I have a bright dog.

You Too Can Have A New Blue Who Tattoo

Everything – Get a tattoo of everything on earth.

Just one tattoo will get everything. How? Don't think 'How', think 'Who', as in the book 'Horton Hears a Who' by Dr. Seuss, think small. Very small? No, smaller than that. Very, very, very small.

Tattoo a Blue Dot – 0.002 inches in diameter – in the palm of your hand. Its what the earth looks like from millions of miles away. Its too early in the morning to calculate exactly how many miles.

Optional Dual Coverage – A Black Dot – Same size – Based on previous scientific color human perception testing that I performed in the state of Connecticut in the year 1994, I realized that a blue dot would be what the earth would look like when illuminated by the sun, but when seen from the other direction far far away, it probably is much darker, so a black dot will do. Two dots, two views, now you truly have a view of everything on earth at one time, both directions.

Funeral Music – "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" – now when people sing this song at your funeral it will be accurate, especially if you put a blue dot in the palm of one hand and a black dot in the palm of the other one..

Design Trademarked – please send me $25 for each single blue who dot tattoo, $37.50 for the dual dot view, dark & light, black & blue set, for a 50% price discount on the second dot.

Now you will be able to say things like:
"I've got a tattoo of the Great Wall of China – the entire thing, just look right there"

Additional Note: Help me become the richest man in the world. If I can sell the $37.50 dual dot tattoo design to half the world's population, I could get about 100 billion dollars and I think that would make me number one.

Unipedal Exercise

I just invented a new form of exercise. It is rather simple. Just try to spend as much time as possible on one foot. Balance. Give each foot equal time. Make your transitions graceful, slow and flowing.

Play Freecell Without Using Freecells

Here is an interesting way to try to play FreeCell: Try playing without using the freecells at the top left corner. I have found a few games that I have been able to play without manually placing any cards in the freecells during game play.

Here is a list of FreeCell games that I have worked using the version of the game that comes with Windows XP. Other operating systems do not necessarily have matching card layouts.

Current List of Games:

58

392

499

8101

14347

17712

17912

20458

24597

27921

32107
See example games at this MySpace photo album: Play Freecell without Using Freecells

The Battle of The Broccoli Bowls

Here is my recipe for broccoli in soup form. It started off as a competition between two different broccoli based Campbell's® soups with a common set of extra ingredients. Enjoy!

Common Extra Ingredients:
Jalapeno Pepper - Fresh
Rice - Minute Rice®
Chicken - Deli Slice of Boar's Head® brand BBQ Basted Chicken - Thick Cut - Tenth of a pound of chicken per can of soup
Milk for Soups

Battling Broccoli Soups:

Campbell's® Broccoli Cheese
Campbell's® Cream of Broccoli


Instructions:

Chop up a single jalapeno pepper. Sautee jalapeno pepper in a little olive oil. Set aside.

Cook each broccoli soup in a separate pan to determine which final soup is your favorite. Use 3/4 of a can of milk instead of the suggested full can.

Chicken - dice up, add a tenth of a pound to each soup.

Once soup is mixed and warm, add a tablespoon of Minute Rice. Allow rice to cook at least 10 minutes.

Add the desired amount of sauteed jalapeno pepper to each soup. My preference was a half pepper per pan of soup. My first try of a whole pepper per pan of soup seemed to be a bit too much.

Add salt to taste - I didn't use any.

My favorite? Its a truce: At the end of the heated battle, I preferred a mixture of both broccoli soups. You can probably guess whats new thats going to be on my table for Thanksgiving this year ....

Nov 18th 2007 New Option:

Omit the chicken and rice; use leftover chicken enchiladas smashed up into small pieces. My favorite: "Stouffer's® Chicken Enchiladas with Cheese Sauce & Rice" available in the frozen food section.

Some Interesting Alternative Ways to Play Sudoku

Here are two examples of interesting ways to plays Sudoku to make it more challenging. Force yourself to remember parts of the puzzle entirely through the game play. I prefer to play online at Web Sudoku

The Vast Empty Middle

Sometimes there are no numbers in the middle square when playing at the hardest level. An interesting way to play this game is to NOT record any plays to the middle square, but force yourself to remember any solved locations within the middle square for the entire puzzle play. You then wind up with a final solution that looks something like this:

You can check your work to make sure that the 8/9ths solution is correct, notice the message "Everything is OK, you have 9 to go!"

A Number is Missing

Sometimes playing at the hardest level will give you a puzzle with one of the numbers not appearing in the initial puzzle. So in this case I play forcing myself to remember the location of that number for the entire game play. This example has the number 6 missing. I have included several screen shots that show the play progression; the progression is left, right, top down.

Where I Recently Didn't Eat and Didn't Die: Nothing

NoThInG ? What do you mean, Ernest, by ‘Nothing’? Have you surprised us with yet another strange diet, this time based on starvation or something else, or in this case 'nothing else’?

Well, several weeks ago I did a review of the restaurant ‘Nothing But Noodles’ in Amarillo TX, but alas, as I walked by the store yesterday on my way to my favorite Starbuck’s, there was a bit of emptiness in the NotButNoo location. Screeeeech went my shoes on the sidewalk as I changed gears and reversed back to see the store was emptied out. So the ‘But Noodles’ part is gone, and now there is ‘Nothing’, although they lied to me, there is still a big word ‘Noodle’ tempting me on the exterior wall way high up in the air which leads you down to … ‘Nothing’

I came home and checked for a corporate website, and there appears to be a NotButNoo company, but they have not responded to my e-mail request just yet, and there appears to be several other spots, 16, around the country in 12 states where you can indulge their menu items. So my first meal there was maybe my last meal, at least for that location, a rarity for restaurants that I have enjoyed. Maybe new noodles will appear soon to take the place of ... nothing.

Guess Which One is More Dangerous

(a)

You accidentally remove an outside load bearing wall during a home renovation and you realize you can’t outrun the collapsing structure

.. OR ..

You accidentally run into a bear outside while you are loaded and your gun is not loaded and realize you can’t outrun the bear and you start to collapse as your knees are no longer load bearing.

Helpful Hint: When you go walking in the woods it is important to take a friend with you for bear protection. Its not that the average bear is more afraid of two people vs one, you just need to remember to bring someone that you can outrun. (I didn’t create this hint, but I did make sure my version of it rhymed and it is one of the most important pieces of imphomashun we can pass onto the next generation as a guiding principle, even for non-bear-loaded situations)

(b)

You scratch yourself so much it makes you bleed

.. OR ..

You are working in a blood bank and the shelf falls down and you spill so much blood on yourself that it makes you itch (Subsequent scratching begins, see first choice …)

Helpful Hint: Don’t work in a Blood Bank with weak shelves

(c)

Walk around W-Mart and put 10 items into the pockets of your coat and then start over again and put each one of them back before walking out of the store

.. OR ..

Walk into W-Mart with 10 tiny things that W-Mart has never sold and probably never will and distribute them throughout the store on shelves and then go back and collect them in the same order before walking out of the store.

Helpful Hints: Don’t bring kitties or puppies unless you plan to securely attach them to something and they are extremely quiet. Also make sure that the local laws are something akin to: Its not "shoplifting" if you “accidentally” put something in your pocket unless you leave the store with it and “forgot” to pay W-Mart

(d)

A tornado, a hurricane and a typhoon walk into a bar …. Oh, sorry, wrong blog post…..

I just noticed that I accidentally put an ‘accident’ or ‘accidentally’ in every case.

Three Tales from the Kanzany Road

Who, what, or where is 'Kanzany' ???

Vocabulary:

'Kanzany' is a word I created to combine the meaning of the 2 words 'Kansan' and 'zany'. Checking Google, there appear to be no hits except when used as a proper name some where far, far away. The accent is on the first syllable.

The Kanzany Road:

Now you'll get to peek at a few candid cases of Kanzany that were part of my trip to Topeka a few years ago.

1^st Case of Kanzany: The PJ leg of a trucker. Now 'PJ' doesn't stand for pajamas, that would have been bad enough to see a trucker in his pajamas wandering around at a truck stop. No, it stands for 'Practical Joke'. As I was passing a semi on the interstate there was an apparently amputated leg with a shoe and pants sticking out the sleeper door of the semi rig on the driver's side. A second look showed that the door was closed and the artificial lower left limb for laughs was securely held in place, and designed catch your eye. It worked, it caught my eye. I was just glad I wasn't witnessing a sloppy serial killer. Now I am not claiming that the driver was from Kansas, I just saw it in the state, out on the KS road. I later wondered how many near accidents these legs have caused. Perhaps they need border patrols for Kansas itself, for what they let in AND out of the state.

2^nd Case of Kanzany: It took place on my way back from Topeka in the little town of Iola after deciding to make a pass down through Missouri and entering the east side of Kansas. There was nothing memorably strange in the state of Missouri. Just as I was leaving the west side of Iola on highway 54 there was a cemetery and something caught my eye in the middle of it that seemed kind of out of place, even for Kansas. It was a road sign, and guess which road sign-> a 'Dead End' sign. Well, this kept me laughing for several miles. Just about the time I had finally settled down from the Dead End Placard at the Dead End Place, the final piece of Kanzany happened.

3^rd Case of Kanzany: It took place on a passageway built up across a dry lakebed. It was a straight piece of highway 54 with very wide gently sloped gravel shoulders and a guardrail way out at the edge of the gravel on both sides running all the way across the lake bed. I was following another vehicle as I approached the east side of the passageway and the driver suddenly slowed down and moved way over to the left side of the left lane. My eyes panned left following the vehicle wondering what-on-earth he was doing driving in the wrong lane and then I saw there was a 2^nd vehicle coming straight toward me in a head-on manner driving on my edge of the highway, but then a split second later I realized he was moving very slowly, had his emergency flashers going and wasn't looking my direction but off to my right. After moving into the left lane to avoid the head-on collision, my eyes were drawn back to the right again to see a 3^rd vehicle, a sedan, coming toward us way over on the guard rail, and slamming into the guardrail every once in a while sending sparks flying. Enough sparks that you could see during the day time. A Bouncing Buick as a strange sparky monorail device. So it appeared that the 2^nd vehicle was keeping tabs on the 3^rd vehicle. I anxiously waited to see who was driving the B-Buick and as the B-Buick reached me, there appeared to be a very ancient tiny person just barely able to see over the steering wheel, probably an escapee from an old folks home. Probably found a key and decided to flee. Some times I will help out with incidents, but being that far from home, that late in the day, hundreds of miles before bedtime, & my mother was expecting me for supper, I decided to leave this piece of Kanzany in the hands of Kansans. Besides, the B-Buick was going in the opposite direction, away from me. I was reminded of the movie 'The Great Escape' and the Steve McQueen motorcycle scene near the end of the movie. He is a prisoner of war escapee on a motorcycle trying to elude the Nazis. He tries to jump over the fence at the national border 'Evel Knievel' style, but just barely fails, and winds up back in the cooler with his baseball and glove.

After experiencing the zaniness, I left the state and got a beauty bonus while departing Wichita later that day. The sky was filled with pockets of pretty pink & purple puffy mammiform clouds with sharp segmentation. So what did I learn from my trip through Kansas? Never travel without a camera, preferably a movie camera, to capture the 'The Foot, The Dead, The Elderly & The Beauty' of strange places, especially Kanzany places.

Reference & Note:

Coordinates of the Iola KS "Dead End" sign:

approx 37dg 55' 20.25" N 95dg 24' 50.58" W

Note to my step-sister LA in Wichita: This journey took place while our combo parents were still living there. You should know I wouldn't pass through town without seeing you and going out for flaming Japanese food.

Great Minds Think Alike

Here are my four terribly twisted versions of the saying "Great Minds Think Alike", proving that they don't.

When the cheese factory puts all the really smelly silent employees to work over in the shredding department:
Grate mimes stink alike

When the winery hires only silent people to judge their product with consistency:
Grape mimes drink alike

When the unions ruin the mining industry forcing layoffs everywhere:
Gripe mines shrink alike

When the boredom of the assembly line starts to get to the sausage employees:
Grind meats, make a link

Do I have to stop at four?
Please & Thank-you.
Now go make coffee, it's starting to show that you have been up for 2 hours already this morning without your proper medication mixture: caffeine & sugga'

I wanted to do one more with "Brinks" and "a lock", but they won't let me …… okay, I'll shut up and make coffee.

My Little Red Rain Gauge is Tilted

I noticed that the rain had collected in my little red wagon, which also serves as my rain gauge in the back yard. Because the wagon was tilted, a shape formed like the one drawn in the picture. Accurate measurements were taken to reproduce the shape in scaled manner and the shade of blue adjusted to show depth.

There were a couple of right angles involved that could accurately integrate the volume of water without the use of calculus because the triangle shapes changed in a linear manner going from one side of the wagon to the other.Then it would just be a matter of dividing the water volume back into the total surface area of the bottom of the wagon to calculate the amount of rainfall.

Linear measurements in centimeters

3.1     48       74.4   area of smaller rectangle 
4.3     74.5    160.2   area of larger rectangle 
117.3   ave area of a triangle 
35.3   Width of wagon 
Volume = Ave Area Triangle x Width of the Wagon
4140.2   volume of water cc 
35.3    82     2894.6   sq cm area of bottom of wagon
1.430 cm, height of water distributed evenly 
0.56  in, height of water distributed evenly

It rained about a half inch.

Additional Work

I played around with the math a little more using numerical integration and I think the average area of the triangle is close to 114.64 sq cm using 40 regions of numerical integration, so the final answer may be 2.3% lower.

It still rained about half an inch.

Additional Additional Work

In a perfect world, a perfect wagon, & perfect measurements, I believe the triangles would be similar, so there probably wouldn't be the need for the numerical integration.

Yeah, pretty sure it rained about a half inch.

From A Basketball's Diary

Contrary to proper belief, a deflated basketball that has suffered under the beating sun out in the confines of a West Texas backyard and at the repeated tormenting fangs of a domesticated wolf-wanna-be will try to partially self-re-inflate through a strong internal drive & self determination of "I just gotta be a sphere".

Billy Bonka, Bubba, and the Magical Ball Factory

Billy Bonka, Bubba, and the Magical Ball Factory

Our dog Bubba (aka Cooper The Dog) has always loved to rip weeds out of the lawn even from the time he was a little bitty puppy. Remember the "part goat" description in my very first post about him "I Don't Really Have a Dog" ?

Recently my now 2 year old dog has been helping pull weeds alongside me in my tomato patch. He had been very good about NOT picking the tomatoes or touching the tomato plants. I think he likes the succulent green grass and weeds that grow in the well watered soil. They pull easier out of the mud, too.

But lately he has started to change his ways - Mrs. Billie Bonka came in the back door and told me "I just saw him go pick one of the large green tomatoes."

Later in the day he shows up to play our daily game of Paw Ball with a mostly intact, large green tomato instead of the "formerly" green tennis ball that came from W-Mart. After all these months of dirty brown tennis balls, I have confused him with a green tomato look-a-like.

So I think that he thinks that the tomato vines are tennis ball factories. Maybe thats why he has done such a good job pulling weeds, to increase production & get better quality.

Note to self: When purchasing tennis balls in the future, avoid the colors 'tomato green' and 'tomato red'.


Vines
by Bubba (aka Cooper The Dog)

I suppose that I shall never see something quite so fine,
As a magical tennis ball tomato factory vine.

A vine whose sunbaked thirsty mouth might suppose,
"Say, where is that human guy with the garden hose?"

A vine that sits green under God all day,
as her chloroplasts suck up the solar rays.

A vine that might all Summertime hear,
The sound of dragonflies fluttering near.

Upon whose decaying branches snow has lain,
As nutrients recycle to the soil again.

(Poems are made by dogs with a mind this fine,
But only Mr. Billy Bonka can fool them
with a mag-ten-ball-tom factory vine.)


Credits and References

The Cast & Crew

Bubba             - Cooper The Dog

Mr. Billy Bonka   - Me

Mrs. Billie Bonka - Tamie

Photography and Software Transformations by Mr. Billy Bonka

The poem "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer was used as a style & structural poetic reference.

For all the psychiatrists out there reading this, the 'Vines' poem was really mine, not the dog's. But they were his exact thoughts, he just doesn't know how to type, just yet.

Doggie Dictation, Translation & Interpretation courtesy of Mr. Billy Bonka

A Few Other Dog Blog Posts by Mr. Billy Bonka:

- My Wife is More Interesting Than a Dead Buffalo
- 3 Ways To Be Thankful for Four Feet
- The Ancient Sport of Paw Ball: History, Rules and Scoring
- Doggie Bloggie
- I Don't Really Have a Dog

Poetry Link: Cycle To The Beginning of The Poetry Link, The Most Recent Poem

Oh, Silly MySpace Ads, Don't Tempt Me with DoPe

I wrote a diet blog with 2 parts a few days ago, and the second section was about Dr. Pepper, the beverage. The first part about the Chinese guy was total fiction, but there was some truth, a very tiny piece, that giving up 'DoPe' has resulted in a true weight reduction. Yes, I abbreviated it as 'DoPe' for the rest of the blog post and how I had pretty much given it up, along with some fictional looniness involving cheating, mass murder, mayhem, and a meeting. And just what shows up today in a MySpace ad while I am slaving away on another piece of fiction? A DoPe ad. A cold ruthless doctor tempting me.

Its a good thing I had my trusty warm cup of coffee already close by and that I would actually have to leave my house to go get more DoPe.

Just barely saved by java brew.

Oh, Now I See, It's a "V" Not a "C"

I got my new Halloween costume in, but wound up burning my feet, got a little smoke inhalation, and ruined a pair of shoes and socks while practicing, "Buffy the Campfire Slayer". I called the costume store and they said it was a typo on the packaging, the "V" and the "C" are right next to each other on the keyboard. I guess I should have stuck with last years "Smokey the Bear" or the perennial favorite "Middle Aged Overweight Texan Guy". They did send over a free pair of socks, but didn't cover the cost of shoes or emergency room visit.

Oh! The Things You Will Learn from the University of Phoenix!

I noticed that the latest ads for the University of Phoenix have the people all looking up. Too uppish. They appear to be uncomfortable but still have a slight smile on their face. Paid pain to be in an ad pane? Advil anyone? So these are probably the most popular degree plans for this group of people:

• UFO Investigator
  
• Head Lice Inspector
  
• Pro Football Helmet Measurer
  
• Astronomer
  
• Practice Person for Chiropractic Schools
  
• Flying Flock Counter
  
• Fireworks Quality Control Inspector (Oooh and Aaah'ers need not apply)
  
• Air Traffic Controller Controller
  
• Theplanetwicer - That little guy on that TV show from a long, long time ago whose name I don't remember who said "The Plane, The Plane" - must also be able to distinguish between The Bird, The Plane and The Superman, and track properly identified moving object with index finger.
  
• Horizontal Odor Sniffer (You have to visualize the person in motion, head back, with the rushing torrent of air blasting the olfactories. Okay, that was a bit too much. We may decide to drop this major and send it over to the culinary school on the south side of town.)
  

Several of these can be combined as double majors to increase your job hunting prospects later on.

Amazing New Chinese Diet & More

I saw an advertisement for an "Amazing New Chinese Diet" several weeks ago, so I started it. Didn't lose a single pound after 8 weeks of trying. Then I got a letter from a man in Beijing that I didn't know. He said, "Stop your diet, you're making me hungry all the time and I've lost 20 kilograms".
That is an Amazing Diet. I eat. Certain Chinese people lose weight. And he didn't appreciate my efforts. Just for that, I think I'll stay on it for a few more weeks.


... and now the "& More" part ...

I started a new diet that has truly worked well:

EOPFYL - Eliminate One Pepper From Your Life

My friend asked, "What kind???? Stuffed peppers?"

"No, think high caloric"

"Oh, Dr. Pepper!!!"

But secretly I still cheat and have one "DoPe" per week when I go to Tac0 Be11. If I wanted to completely eliminate DoPe, it would require the arson of thousands of TB restaurants, the mass killing of thousands of employees, a little bit of deforestation, and probably have to punch somebody in the nose, all that just to finally exterminate all the DoPe out of my life. Whew! That plan sounds too wacky just for a cold carbonated beverage from Waco Tx, probably not cost effective with current gas prices, and might interfere with TV time, especially with the new fall lineup. Oh, I have to stop typing, the 'House' season premiere is on.

I think I'll just stick to my current game plan of not having DoPe in my house.

And mono-cheat-weekly at TB.

Hours Later at the DoPeAnon Meeting

"Hi, my name is Ernest, and I secretly drink DoPe"
"Hello Ernest, hello Ernest, hello Ernest"

The Danger of Roman Numerals - KEVIN!!!!!

I learned today that one of the more difficult, demanding and disturbing things to try to do is to NOT listen and NOT watch a "Home Alone" movie (I, II or III) while it is playing XV feet behind you while focusing on your writing. And IIday was such a good day for IInight II end this way. Oops, now my writing is being affected Roman Numberally. I hate it when I get stuck in a mode of writing that is all Roman Numberally, mainly because now I don't remember if that first word of this sentence and the other IV occurrences mean "one" or the single letter word that means "me", although I did figure out that the "II" should have meant "to" and it wasn't the Italian word "Il" which I think translates as "the" or the Roman number as "two" or as the word "too" meaning "also". These last II sentences have been just II hard II understand, much less proofread. My head hurts.

Let me help you understand about apparent misspelling in the previous paragraph. You proper English Language people out there thought it should have been the word "numerableally". Actually you can hurt yourself trying to say that word too fast. Go ahead and try it, I'll wait a few seconds. {wait}{wait} See? Told ya' so. I didn't make C's in English in college for nothin', they gave me those grades for events and circumstances beyond their level of comprehension. The Marches! The Fires! The Riots! Oooh, sorry about that, flash back, Nam vet style. The word "Numberally" is a new word I just created 58 seconds ago that means to be numbed into a state where you are using numbers incorrectly "all" over the place and you don't know "y", I mean "why". "Number+all+y". My head hurts now even more than 48 seconds ago when I told you the first time.

"Ernie"

"Yes, Honey?"

"Turn off the light, I want II go II sleep"

(Did it work? When you read that last sentence did you say "to" twice without any trouble?)

You've just taken a trip through the R.N. Zone.

Blame Kevin, not me.

Sorry, snap out it, that was supposed to be pronounced "KE-VIN", not "KE"+"SIX"+"N"

Ring! Its Early Saturday Morning and Ernest is Getting Uglier

2007.09.22 - Trojan House Alert -> My Name is NOT Troy

For all the stupid bill collection agencies out there, hire people who can read.

For all the stupid bill collectors out there looking for someone named "Troy My-Last-Name", I am not him.

None of our pets or children or plumbing fixtures have ever been named "Troy" and my phone number has been mine for 20 plus years, so look it up, confirm what we've told you several times and quit calling my house early Saturday morning when I am definitely needing my beauty sleep. My phone book in my grubby little hands right now shows another person with my last name in our town with the first initial "T", hmmmm? And two "T" numbers!

Quit horsing around with mind numbing phony calls with my house phone number.

Bang! It's Early Friday Morning and Ernest is Getting Stoned

This is my second letter to my pen-pal friend this morning.

Just as soon as I stepped outside I remembered some somniac maniac things I forgot to tell you in the first letter. (It appears that "somniac" is not a real word according Ms. Spill Chicker, so here right now it means the opposite of insomniac, new word, 5 points). I had 2 strange vivid knock you right awake dreams last night. The first (I think so) one was about a guy throwing rocks at me. He was blond. The first few rocks were kind of in my general direction, then one went whizzing by my left cheek, grazing it. I was behind some trees. I hollered at him to be careful and other "things" and he was surprised, but he was trying to impress some girls around him and started mouthing off and taunting me, and I returned the verbal, and I am pretty sure we fought a little and then police got involved.

Flip pillows over, maybe that will help. Snore....snooze.....(maybe I will only dream about unicorns this time, nice unicorns, pretty unicorns)

The second dream is a short one where my dog is in the middle of the backyard and yelped but he has something in his mouth so it is a bit of a muffled yelp, and he won't let go of it, and IT is a snake that won't let go of him either. Ying&Yang,Cling&Fang - There is a WWF struggle momentarily, WolfWrestlingFangs. Then a loud non-dog non-snake like noise 'bang' and I wake in a jerking motion.

Play Cryptograms Without the Help of ExTraTErrEsTrials

I normally like to play cryptogram puzzles without the aid of writing down the letter guesses as I progress (or don't progress) through the game. For the past few days I have been over at "Cryptogram Corner" playing online, sometimes using their system to visually show the letter guesses and sometimes my solely cerebral way.

Last night I came up with an interesting way of playing without the visual help of the letters "E" & "T", the two typically most common letters that occur in English and usually in cryptograms. As the game progresses it becomes fairly easy to see the E & T holes and still be able to read & solve the puzzle without them.

These are the recorded steps of a game. Each guess of a step is shown in red.

Step by step example:

*******************************************************************************
A
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A                                       A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A                A                  A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
L
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A          A          A       A       L                               A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
*         A   A   L            ALL                A     A                     *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *

*******************************************************************************
I
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A   I      A       A    I  LI                I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A   A   L I      I   ALL                A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A                                                                           *
*******************************************************************************
H
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    I  A  HI      A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I       A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H   A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H             H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
S
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A       A    I  LI    H    H  H   I    I        A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I     HI H ALL   H    H   H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   S    S    H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
O
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  O    A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    I     O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
F
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S   A  OF F A    I  LI    H O  H  H   I    IF    O  A     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H    HO  H S A     AI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* A  H   SO   S  O H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
R
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RI  LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF    O RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I     S A  HA   L I  O  HI H ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS RO H                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
C
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HRO  H  H   I    IF   CO RA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  C  S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HO  H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR H R SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
U
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O  HICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
W
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* A  I    IS A  HI  S R A  OF F AR  RIC LI    HROU H  H   I    IF   COURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHA   L I  O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAI                    *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
N
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LIN   HROU H  H   IN   IF  NCOURA     *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOU H S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
G
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IN   IF  NCOURAG    *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR   RAIN                   *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
D
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R A  OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H   IND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SO  RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
M
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RIC LING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
K
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I    IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
Y
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* AN I  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *
*******************************************************************************
X
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXI  Y IS A  HIN S R AM OF F AR  RICKLING  HROUGH  H  MIND  IF  NCOURAG D  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* I  CU S A CHANN L IN O WHICH ALL O H R  HOUGH S AR  DRAIN D                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* AR HUR SOM RS ROCH                                                          *

Now there are just little spacemen left in the spaces to reveal, say "Roswell" three times, sprinkle Reese’s Pieces – and - poof

*******************************************************************************
ET
*                                                                             *
* LMSEHWP EX L WFEM XWKHLA QG GHLK WKEOCBEMJ WFKQVJF WFH AEMN. EG HMOQVKLJHN, *
* ANXIETY IS A THIN STREAM OF FEAR TRICKLING THROUGH THE MIND  IF ENCOURAGED  *
*                                                                             *
* EW OVWX L OFLMMHB EMWQ TFEOF LBB QWFHK WFQVJFWX LKH NKLEMHN.                *
* IT CUTS A CHANNEL INTO WHICH ALL OTHER THOUGHTS ARE DRAINED                 *
*                                                                             *
* LKWFVK XQAHKX KQOFH                                                         *
* ARTHUR SOMERS ROCHE                                                         *
*******************************************************************************
ET - Phonetically Honed

Visit Cryptogram Corner:
URL: http://www.geocities.com/cryptogramcorner/

Technical Notes & Credits:
The form part of Cryptogram Corner did not work with my Firefox browser version 2.0.0.7, had to use Internet Explorer.

Each game play step was copied and pasted and then colorization and formatting performed post-game play, so there may be some typos.

Enjoy!

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial is a trademark of Universal Studios
Firefox is a trademark of Mozilla Foundation
Reese's Pieces is a trademark of The Hershey Company

Green with INVI

Table of Contents

• Codename INVI
• Cooking & Compounding
• Clearly Contaminated
• Cool Can with Curved Colophon
• Commercial Caption
• Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi
• <poof> usage
• voCabulary

Paint : Codename INVI

When I was a little boy my favorite color was 'green', but now I think its 'invisible'. Now, I don't mean to indicate 'clear', as in putting on a clear coat finish, or the invisible things all around you, like the "air", but invisible as paint. Paint? Yeah, nice liquid paint that turns solid. I want to be able to paint things and have them <poof> away. So I am testing my most recent invention right now in my kitchen and adjusting the ingredients for the recipe.

Cooking & Compounding

I haven't really decided whether painted objects should disappear just as soon as the paint is applied or whether they slowly become invisible based on how dry the paint is. The painted object is still there, of course, you can pick it up, feel it, brush your teeth with it (preferably when its dry), toss it across the room and hit your sister in the back of the head. It has been a secret lifelong dream of mine to hear my older sister say, "Mom, make him stop, Ernie's throwing invisible things at me again". I've noticed that nobody calls me 'Ernest', except for the people who don't know me. Officials, like, judges and the nice policemen and those guys with the funny white jacket last week. Some folks have abbreviated me all the way down to "Ern", and a few to just the simple, singular, sound "E". So I have slowly become partially invisible in name.

Viewing INVI – Clearly Contaminated

I invented eyeglasses that work in two modes: To be able to see the painted invisble – oops, ts startng to happen, splled some of my invisble pant on my keyboard and the letter that rhymes wth "eye" sn't showng up now n all of my words, just notced t n the word "invisble". At least 2 out of 3 of the "eyes" of invisble were still vsble.

{PAUSE for Keyboard Cleanup}

Well, I got most of the paint cleaned off the keyboard. The word "invisble" is still "broken", there must be some INVI paint inside the very middle of that particular word that I can't get it out of the computer's dictionary. Okay, now where was I? Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I just the painted invisble objects. What?!?!? That last sentence didn't make complete sense! Oh, pause for another cleanup: The word "see' should have been in there twice. That sentence should have been "Oh, yeah, I have special eyeglasses where I can select to see either the painted objects along with everything else, or switch to a mode where I see just the painted invisble objects." I must be getting invisble paint in several places in the dictionary, now it's making a mess of my writing. Oh, now I understand, one of the first entire words that I should expect to lose is "see" when dealing with invisble paint. So I may have to switch to the homonym "sea" if the word "see' disappears again. That is going to be really confusing if I have to use certain words together, like "sea green" – everyone is going to think: Exactly what does Ernest mean by that? I am so glad you called me 'Ernest' instead of Ernie, Ern or E in your thoughts just then. Don't you think it sounds more professional?

Deliverance, Safety & Technical Issues – Cool Can with Curved Colophon

Spray or brush? Water based or oil? I just noticed that the can of paint disappeared, {soft bump noise from elbow}, oh, there it is. This is very inconvenient. Its kind of like dealing with last week's super-superglue, be very careful where you put things - together. I was worried about how to put a label on the can. Here is an interesting phenomenon: The paint on the inside of the can made the can disappear, but the label that I later put on the outside doesn't disappear! Maybe there's a time delay feature? Cool. So whatever the paint originally touches turned invisible, or maybe it only affects things while the paint is still wet? I will have to do more test work on this puzzling aspect. This is really cool, you should come to my kitchen and see this! – The label is curved around the INVI paint can and the label appears to be floating in mid air. I can read back through the label and see the reverse print. How neat! I'm calling Steven Spielberg right now. Lets see, he is speed dial "77" – no, Steve-o's line is busy again.

I noticed that the end of my right index finger used on the spray nozzle is starting to disappear, and it's becoming numb! I had better get this washed off soon. Let me finish typing this first though, you know how important scientific progress is.

Brand Name of Product – Commercial Caption

I haven't come up with a good sounding brand name just yet. Here are my ideas so far:

• "Adjustable Translucence" – no, that's really a feature, depending on dilution.
• "Eye See You", no, that might get confused with the hospital acronym ICU, which is where I may be going if this finger gets any worse.
• "Casper" – no, and what made me want to name it after a city in Wyoming? Oh, now I remember, ghost & friendly, and my product is really neither of those (finger).
• "Patrick Swayze & Whoopi Goldberg" – no, too Hollywood-ish, supernatural & "Ghostie". Actually that sounds more like a good name for a "Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream®"
• "Bare" – no, too similar to the existing paint brand name "Behr®"
• "The Emperor's New Paint" – that's the one I like the best.

FOLLOW UP IMPORTANT DISCOVERY - Chemically Confounding a Computer in Corpus Christi

I sent a rough draft note to one of my best friends on the other side of Texas about this invention and her response was:

I enjoyed your story about the ".........." paint. Hey, how'd you do that? It is affecting my keyboard too!

I performed some more testing and sent her back this reply:

That is really something that it infected your computer keyboard. It looks like I invented a new class of chemical based keyboard confounding computer virus, how strange! Here is a solution: I found that the Bic® office product "Wite Out®" surprisingly reverses the effect of the INVI Paint, so just start putting that everywhere, except avoid your mouth, eyes and certain mucous membrane-ish sensitive "other places". Be sure to follow all warnings on the labels of products.

Note About <poof> Usage

You have probably noticed by now that I like a good italicized poof in pointy brackets every once in a while in my writings. "<poof>" might be an interesting thing to put on a headstone, but not mine please. One single word "<poof>", yeah, a magician's headstone, that would be perfect.

Vocabulary

• Colophon - A name or other device placed on merchandise to signify its ownership or manufacture
• Psy-Phi – This kind of story

Physician's Note to the Family, Friends and Fans of Ernest:

No fingers were really harmed in the making of this blog post. That is just a photograph. He's all there. Well, not really all "all" there, if you know what I mean. He just got up from a nap and is having some "coffee" with "creamer". And the only thing cooking in the kitchen this morning was C-o-W oatmeal. After the first disaster, we don't let Ernest ANYwhere near the kitchen.