Sin Perfume, Chapter Two

One day last week or so I had this for a headline in MySpace:

Ernest just noticed on a product ingredient list : 'sin perfume' and wonders what on earth that could be! (more importantly, why it needs to be on/in his toilet paper)

Well, The Wifey happened to come by and read this on the computer screen. She wondered what it meant. So she got some T-Paper and smelled it. She told me this later in the evening same day. I didn't smell anything she said. Then I explained to her the 'sin perfume' was just Spanish for 'unscented', 'sin' = 'without'. Which I already knew long before I wrote the headline in MySpace, just playing dumb as always, trying to sound ignorant. I didn't have enough space in the box to add what I originally intended. So here is the 'un-cut' version:

Ernest just noticed on a product ingredient list : 'sin perfume' and wonders what on earth that could be! (more importantly, why it needs to be on/in his toilet paper) It's probably nothing to worry about.

Isn't that so very pfunny? That is a new word I just created, contracting 'pun' with 'funny', combining their meanings equally. As in German, pronounce both the 'p' and the 'f'.

So La Wifey learned a little more Spanish this week. And I created a few new words. And the Dog? He has learned which one of us to pester to take him on a ride in my car. Guess which one? Why of course, the 'parent' who loves him more. Me. And I wanted so desperately to always have a clean car and have worked at it very hard for several months, winning the war against dirt and grime, too! Alas, there is Lassie type detached fur scattered throughout my vehicle.

So the next time someone starts talking about 'sin' around you, just riddle them this:

Where is a 'sin' nothing to worry about?

Answer: In Spain. The sin in Spain is nothin'. Actually if you look really close, you see that S-in is all around Spain, and 80% of everything right about Spain is 'pain', but on the brighter side, the 60% that is left is a 'Spa'. Ah, balance.

Oh, I giggle myself to sleep a-now, as you ponder anew: Spa and Spain, sin and pain.

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Our Big Turtle Problem

No, the turtle isn't big; the problem is, for Mr. Turtle at least. Mr. Turtle, our semi-beloved semi-pet, has gone missing, but in a confined geographic rectangular region, The Garage.

We have been training our dog Cooper to leave Mr. Turtle alone. Trying. "Mr. Turtle is our friend" I know, it sounds dorky, but hey, it's me, the scientist, doing an experiment in animal behavior. Now it sounds cooler? Cooper doesn't seem to try to hurt him, just thinks maybe he is another squeak toy that doesn't work and carries him around like Kiboko and Elefante (our squeak toys have proper names, one from Kiswahili, the other French) You can see pictures of them in the blog "Froggie - The Forbidden Meat in the Garden of E-rnest-den" from a few months ago. "Yes, Froggie is our friend too." Yes, I agree, speaking that phrase to a dog does sound dorky.

It seems that Cooper had "transported" him into the garage and Wifey made him put him down. (I bet you didn't have problems with that last triple "him" sentence, did you?) When Wifey came back outside, the turtle had moved somewhere else. Unseen. The only problem though, the turtle is about "yay" high, and the concrete barrier at the bottom of the human back door is about 2 ½ "yays". I've seen Mr. Turtle in non-action. I don't think he's part Ninja, can pole vault or high jump, or for that matter, vault or jump in any non-Ninja manner, so at the moment he is trapped. Under things. A lot of things. Does this mean that someone is going to have to start moving (i.e. cleaning) the garage just to find & save Mr. Turtle? Okay, "clean" is too strong of a word, lets say, "rearrange".

Wifey asked me, "Is he going to starve?", to which I replied confidently (guessing) that turtles have a low metabolic rate and that they probably eat bugs, so "no". Winter is coming on soon so his only hope is the kindness of semi-strangers. After all he did come with the new house, we didn't ask for him. Judging by the number of scratch marks on his shell from being "transported" by Cooper, he has faired pretty well, knowing Cooper's past ferocity with other critters who are not his "friends".

So maybe Mr. Turtle will get lucky and while he happens to be out in the open in the garage sometime, a designated doggie delivery device will transport him back out into the semi-wild green yonder where he can wander back to his home underneath the utility building, recently renamed The Ninja Nook. And I won't have to "clean" the garage.

Join the MIRT Club Today!

MIRT is a conspiracy theory club I created today. I am not a member. MIRT stands for "Mars Isn't Really There". So if you believe that the planet Mars does not really exist, just leave a blog comment to say you want to join. If you hurry, you can be in the first group of 10,000 members to join. Actually, if you just take your time you can probably be the first person. Cost: $35 initial fee, and annual dues of $55. (But it is based on the supposed Martian year, which is longer than the earth year by 88%, so this is actually a good deal.)

Here is my previous daily thought: You could go outside, sit in your lawn chair and be hit by a 400 lb meteorite and not be killed. What??? How??? Well, to accomplish this feat you may have to wait 1.27 million years and by that time you would already be dead, most likely. And then you would need to arrange for your mummified remains to be carefully guarded and perhaps something a little more substantial than a lawn chair to support you. There is the matter of property taxes. It would be best to plan ahead and segregate that tiny piece of land as a sovereign nation. Or pay taxes ahead of time, whichever is easier. And maintenance fees. Maybe get yourself disguised as a statue. Bronzed. I believe the word for suntan lotion in Italian is "lozioneabbronzante", so that goes along with being bronzed. This sounds more like a project to be done in a country like Italy, all the ancient ruins, you might fit in better, maybe even avoid the whole tax issue. And they do have that little tiny country within a bigger country thing going already.

I had a previous daily thought that is more bizarre than these two combined and then multiplied by 17.34, but I think I should just leave that one alone, safely floating in the mind of Ernest. Okay here's a hint: It involves revenge on identity thieves. And their "suicide". Okay, here's some more: Well, it did start off as a single frame cartoon with the defense attorney explaining the concept to a jury. See I told you it should have stayed in my mind.....

Lets Give Mt Rushmore a Facelift or Four!

1. If you could pick four presidents to redo Mt Rushmore, only this time go for the worst, who would you pick?

Cheney, Nixon, Cleveland, & Johnson (he he he, which Johnson? Just morph the two together and make people guess. What, you don't think Cheney was the real President? What, you don't think Cheney was that bad of a president? What, you never heard of Cheney?)

Art work coming soon....


2. What is the most recent thing you have yelled?

OUCH! DON'T WALK ON THE ERNIE! (that's the name my dog knows me by)


3. What is the most recent thing you have killed?

A honey bee that was doing a poor job of imitating a wasp. Wait, it may not be dead yet, that's another blog coming soon....I should re-title the question "What is the most recent living thing you have most certainly trapped eternally?"

4. What is the most recent thing you have rescued?

Mr. Turtle in our backyard from you know who (Mr. Dog, if you didn't)


5. What is the strangest thing your spouse/MoSiOt does with food?

She leaves glasses of milk setting around so that the remnants turn into miniature yogurt factories (unintentionally, of course, don't worry Yoplait, there is no great annual solidified yogurt harvest). And if you include the coffee cups in the same category, the coffee flavored artificial yogurt factories.

6. What is the strangest thing you do with food?

Allow miniature yogurt factories to exist in my domicile

7. From recent conversations with other people, who do you think is the most evil person you have heard about yet you don't remember or never knew their name?

The evil sister of a woman who was telling me about how her sister had her transvestite cross-dressing male chihuahua put to sleep simply because she would not loan her car to the evil sister. (Wow, I just wrote a sentence that begins and ends with the words "The Evil Sister")

8. Which of the three ingredients of a BLT sandwich can you leave off?

The "L" one. Its tough, but I don't have to have the lobster every time.


9. Does your pet have any nicknames?

Bubba, Bubba Bear

10. If you could be magically transported somewhere, arrive naked, and exist there for only 15 seconds, where would it be?

The White House Oval Office during an important meeting the very first day of the new term AND be able to do this every four years. That would really make people think twice about running for president. I hope I wouldn't be confused with appearances of the Virgin Mary. Of course, I don't know if she arrives naked or last longer than 15 seconds. And I would probably want to go with the bullet-proof body option from what I know about The Secret Service. Or better yet, be invisible to the Secret Service Agents, yes, lets go with that option instead, more creative.

My Complete Lyrics: You Waise Me Up (So I Can Hunt Duh Wabbits)

You Waise Me Up (So I Can Hunt Duh Wabbits)©

Lyrics By Ernest S. B. Boston

(To be sung poorly in the voice of Elmer Fudd)

(Music to the tune of 'You Raise Me Up')
(Some syncopation is required; for a guide, just think and sound like Elmer Fudd)

When I yam down, and oh my so so wear-wee

When twumbles come, and my hard bird bwain be,

Den I yam shrill and wade here in the wabbit patch,

Untwill Bugs Bun-ny is in my sights again

You waise ^me UP!, so I can hunt duh wabbits,

You waise ^me up, to hunt in sto-my seasons;
I yam stwong, when I eat my wabbit stew-^ooo,
You waise ^me up, yes, I yam waised by you.

Dare is no wife – no wife wiff-out a hang-over

Each westless wife is so imperfect-wee.

But when it comes to hunt-twin or be mare-weed,

Sometimes I dwink, I dwink excessive-wee.

You wake me up, that why I bodd dis a-lumm qwock.

You wake me up, to hunt wheel er-lie-ee.

I yam stwong, when I eat wabbit jerky;
You wake me up, to hunt down bun-ni-eees.

You waise ^me up, to invent my wabbit sand-wich,

You waise ^me up, to butch-her dem wheel good.

Bah-bah-que knees of bun-nies in buh-uns,

You waise ^me up: (heh heh heh heh) To mow dan I can be.

Warning: For private use only. Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, performance or exhibition of copyrighted material without written permission/consent. Lyrics property of Quinn Studio & Gallery.

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog

A Rabbit and A Noun

A rabbit and a noun walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender, "I think we are running late, we were supposed to meet our friend, a priest, here several minutes ago. Is he already here?"

The bartender turns to me, Ernest the Humor Writer, and whispers, "I'm confused, am I in the right joke???"

I just tell him to read whats on his cue card.

Reluctantly and slowly, he says, "I think one of you has an extra 't' and one of you has an extra 'o' "

And the rabbit says, "Oh, which one of us?"

And the noun says, "I'm thirsty, I'll take that glass of tea you mentioned"

The bartender turns to me, Ernest the Humor Writer, and grins, "I get it now"

Do I Have Guts? Why, of Course I Do!

1) Do you have the guts to answer these queries and post them as "The Controversial Survey?"
I have guts in my abdominal cavity, so yes (?)

2) Would you do meth if it was legalized?
I like to do math, it was one of my favorite subjects in school. I get paid lotza money for doing math.

3) Abortion: for or against?
Personally, I would never have an abortion, or liposuction, or anything else to my tummy


4) Would our country fall with a woman president?
Actually Fall is the correct term, because the presidential election is in Nov, technically a part of the Fall season. So all presidents elected in the Fall are Fall presidents. And think back to the Chevy Chase days on Saturday Night Live when he portrayed Gerald "Oops" Ford, he was always falling down, even though Gerald Ford didn't become president in the Fall season, but in the summer time on Aug something^TH, 1974

5) Do you support the death penalty?
Support, as in spend money to actually buy the equipment or be on the cheerleading squad? I have killed a few insects, but I usually take spiders and wasps back outside, captured with a saucer and glass. Big game hunting. Poetry. Yes, I wrote a poem about taking a bug outside.

6) Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Marijuana? Isn't that what hippies say when they propose, "Marriage, ya wanna?" So the answer is no, we don't want hippies getting married.

7) Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Having sex at the same time is an important part of marriage, otherwise, isn't that adultery?

8) A 12 year old girl has a baby..should she keep it?
Is it hers? Then "yes". If its not hers, she should give it back. If its like a baby bird, well, she shouldn't injure herself climbing the tree, that's where this subject matter gets difficult, when trees get involved.


9) Should the alcohol age be lowered to 16?
Yes, it should actually be lowered to 3 months instead of 16 months. When beer gets to be more than 3 months old, it isn't fit to drink. Some of the aged liquors actually improve over time, so waiting 16 months is okay. Oh, I forgot, I quit drinking almost two years ago, never mind.

10) Should the war in Iraq be called off?
No, we should keep calling it the "War in Iraq". If we rename it the "Off War" that would only fusecon, I mean, confuse people. See, I just confused you with fusecon. And if we call it the Off War then they might have to change the name of the country Iraq to "Off" and of course that would require changing the name of the country of Iran to "On". Aren't four letter words short enough already for the name of a country? When I think of Iran and Iraq, lots of four letter words come to mind, I just can't repeat them here, my mommy might read this.

11) Assisted suicide is illegal... do you agree?
Yes, I agree that it is illegal. You just told me it was illegal, why would I doubt you?


12) Do you believe in spanking your children?
Not now, they are taller than me and in their mid to early twenties with bigger muscles. I could probably still out wrestle them though, unless they begin to tickle me. Would I be required to spank them at the same time, it does say 'children'?


13) Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
Yes, because then I could buy 1,000,000 more flags at a dollar a piece.

AND (do you already see where I'm going with this?) burn a million flags, and get a TRILLION dollars

AND then buy one flag to replace the original flag I burned, and now I have $999,999,999,999

Then I buy the presidency of the United States of America, all the companies that make flags, and make it a law punishable by death to burn a flag, that way no body else can become rich like me with the same deal and buy the presidency of the ….

That was easy math, duh.

14) A mother is declared innocent after murdering her 5 children in a temporary insanity case, Do you agree?
Who was insane, the mother or the children or the jury? Always remember, there is always a difference between 'being declared innocent' and 'being innocent'

15) Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

I never wanted to become a judge, but if it was going to be this easy to become one, wow, and I hear the pay is realllly good, plus you get to wear silly looking black clothes and have a funny looking useless wooden hammer. But you do get to have a bailiff. I have always wanted a bailiff, ever since I was a little boy, and if by "little boy", you mean 45 seconds ago. Because it has been a long time since I ate, so I am now smaller than I was right after I ate supper. Wait! I forgot I took a nap and didn't have supper yet! Instead I am hungry but not Hungarian and typing these words to you right now and you are reading them right now but they are not the same now, isn't that cool? So I have guts, but less in them than I should, so there, I have answered the first question adequately on an empty stomach (and guts).

High Velocity Lead Poisoning

"Friskie" - This is one of my oldest just barely intact pieces of writing. My mother sent this to me today (see photos at bottom). There were two pieces in her letter, the first explaining how she came across this famous letter of protest from my childhood (1969, age ~11) and got it photocopied for me. The letter expresses my feelings concerning the death of my dog Friskie from high velocity lead poisoning at the hands, no, trigger finger of my father. But the photocopy also has something that I had forgot about: My best friend Jody, from across the street, had also wrote a supportive claim. I believe that Jody lives in Las Vegas, NV. So if somebody out there can find him, please have him contact me.

Just in case you can't read the letters in the photos, I have transcribed them for you.

Friskie
One of the best fight
ing dogs a boy
could have.
Killed for no
reason in
1968. Daddy shot him
because he saved me three
times, all from John
Weaver, next door
neibor.
Dr. E. B. Boston <--- he he, children, ("Dr")
1969

And then the supportive piece from Jody Corean, probably about age 13. Notice that he spells my childhood name 'Ernie' wrong, twice. Thats okay, he spelled Friskie wrong too, 3 out of 4 times.

Frisky was the most
playfull dog in the Upper
Valley road. But there
was one thing nobody
could do to frisky, except
Erine, Jody. That was
Wrestling frisky.
If anybody touched
Erine be sides Jody, Friskie
would bit them. No
matter who it was.
Jody Corean
1969 <--- I like the emphatic touch of the double underline
____





Thanks, Mommy!

Captcha Interpretations

Here are some C_apt^ch_a words and my best guess at a hidden English interpretation. Various methods of analysis and computer algorithms running on a bank of supercomputers from Los Alamos NM were employed to decipher them as well as getting help from the NSA

(not really; I just made up some junk).

jpdewgj8g - John's poodle Donna exploded when Gypsy just ate grapes

xeyrugrwb - Xavier exclaimed, "your rug is really wet, bro'"

enwhbxx - "every night we hide behind Xavier." then a pause as the tour group in the very dark Carlsbad Cavern ponders out loud suddenly in unison as to the whereabouts of their spelunking guide: "Xavier?"

dewpaedy - does everyone whisper politely about elderly dudes yawning?

ns3aress - In sunlight, three ants are easily secretly stunned

aajehhju - American Airlines just evicted Howard Hughes Jr unknowingly (of course to be fair to American Airlines, Howard Hughes Jr has absolutely no clue as to who his real father is)

jtezfchep - Japanese - that's easy for chickens who eat pineapples (I know, I know, there are people out there right now screaming at the top of their lungs, 'UNFAIR! UNFAIR!, you used the word 'who' when there needed to be an 'h' word.' Settle down dear children, hush, especially you Albanians. Remember, I make up the rules for this 'game'. The word 'who' has an 'h' sound in English. Lets me say it really slowly for you: 'wwwwhhhhhhhhhooo' - see that, you didn't even hear the 'w' and its just barely visible)

bw3hwxk – But we 3 have worked exceedingly kingly – This what the Three Non-Kings of the Christmas song 'We Three Kings of Orient Are' put on their joint job application to be included in the aforementioned song when they lied about being three kings. I mean, who lets their king just wander off with two other kings and go on some reality program, "Go Find The Baby Messiah"? Most everyone knows that there are trained Baby Messiah Trackers out there, most with at least a junior college degree.

Brand New-bie:
nnysj4tny – Nostalgic New York suggests June for touristing Non-new Yorkers

Coming soon: sc3fa4hd nebxenc a DOUBLE C_apt^ch_a -cino!

Okay, somebody give me a new name that starts with 'X' besides 'Xerxes'. That has a Z sound at the beginning, no can do. We are going for phonetics here, folks.

Just a Minute or Two or Three

My wife sent me to the store for minute steak. On my way there I wrote this really cool sentence in about a minute or two. When I came home I added a few more words in under a minute. So I have invested less than 3 minutes of time actually writing the sentence. But its entertainment value keeps increasing, so now it can be part of your world too. It contains homonyms, synonyms and multiple word combinations of the word 'minute' and its phonetic segments as nouns, verbs and adjectives. But first some definitions and daffynitions:

• Minute – noun - 60 seconds of time – pronounced "min-it"
• Minute - adjective – small – pronounced "my-noot"
• Minute – adjective – a kind of steak with lotza funny looking tiny holes intended for tenderizing
  
• Men – noun – guys like me
• Ate – verb – consumed food
• Mute – adjective – doesn't speak

Knowing these words will let you express a complex scenario like this next one when you observe it happening near you in a restaurant:

"Adorable quiet male midgets consumed tiny steaks with tiny holes in under 60 seconds"

in a more interesting manner:

"Cute mute minute men ate minute minute steaks in under a minute"

Try to see how many times you can say this sentence correctly in a minute.