Some Thoughts

from my Facebook status

If you need further proof that the country is headed in the wrong direction, go to my groc store. The packages of Blue Solo Cups are more eXpensive than the Red.

Goodbye Bryce Courtenay, you were a powerful One.

I saw an article where some Mexican politicians would like to shorten the name of their country. I thought, "Why does it need to be shorter than 'Mexico', and what would they want?" ... but then I found out that the name of the country is reaLLy United Mexican States or Estados Unidos Mexicanos in Spanish. I did not know that, it has always already been simply Mexico to me, as weLL as every reference on a map or in a teleBision show. How about you?

ActuaLLy, I am not drinking from a red solo cup at this moment. I have improved them for icy drinks. I take a couple coffee filters and lightly squeeze them between two red solo cups for an insulated version. So I'm reaLLy drinking from a Red Duo Cup, less condensation mess!

A gigantic Thanksgiving meal isn't that relatively labor intensive when you consider that you make it in one day, eat it for five, and then wear it off hopefuLLy by ten days.

I thought I would get started early being thankful on Thanksgiving by giving thanks, but everyone I caLLed at 4 AM did not seem to enjoy it; puzzling.

Update Nov 25th

After nearly thirty years of marriage, we eXperienced something new. After a nice meal with just the two of us at On The Border in AmariLLo, the waitress asked us if we needed separate checks. I turned to my wife and asked her, "Two, right?" before laughing at the bizarre facial eXpression she gave me and then to the waitress.

Today was a shockingly strange day. Through some combination of rubber wheels on my Sam's shopping cart, walking in my Vibram Fivefinger shoes with Injinji toe socks, and a relative humidity of negative fifteen percent, I was shocked about eight times by static build up in my cart. I was even shocked by a can of cashews touching only the paper wrapper! I could have easily defib'd anyone needing acute cardiac attention.

Update Nov 26th

I had a dream that I no longer had Cooper. He had been replaced with a veRy docile kind smaLL camel who was housebroken. He was so amazing that we did several late night teleBision talk shows. We weren't on any talk shows during my dream, I just had fond memories of those as previous eXperiences. He was such an amazing camel that I didn't even know or even care how many humps he had. I'm trying to think now, remember, um, I think it was one, no, two, um ... one or two, not sure.

I realized that the earth may actuaLLy be flat. It just happens that if you go far enough in one direction that you run into another place eXactly like the place you left simply because where you are is so fabulous that it needs to be repeated eXactly. If you realized this, then you could go and visit yourself to let yourself know about aLL of this, this flatlandishnessed stuff. But which way would you go first, east or west? Would you want to meet the east you or the west you first? What if you met both of them and you discovered that the two you's were not eXactly the same? What a strange you-niverse we we we live in in in. I think I would travel east first just because I think I know (but now I'm not sure) that is where the country of Wales is and I must meet my friend Rob Z Tobor who used to live there but now he lives just east of it. And then I would go farther east to meet my friend Badger who is an Australian who lives in Austria. If I go even farther east I would come to Shanghai China where I couldn't visit [friend's real name goes here] because she moved back to Grosse Pointe Michigan. I hope she went east when she went back home.

Update Nov 27th

Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) as The Easter Bunny? Yes, I could have easily predicted that but only while I am asleep.

I am currently listening to Soundgarten's new music. They have released a new album after 16 years. I think they should have waited another 32 years. This would have insured that I would probably not hear them and/or they would have died of old age before releasing their music (?).

My wonderful new app: iElectribe from Korg turns an iPad into an amazing percussive synthesizer. I feed the output into my Kaossilator Pro dynamic phrase synthesizer. Fun!

http://www.korg.com/ielectribe

Update Nov 28th

NOW i know what i want for Christmas: a Kuratas Robot - they only cost $1,000,000

(I wrote that sentence with lowercase i instead of I because compared to the robot sizewise, it would look something close to [i K]. You climb inside the robot to control it OR from run it from a phone app)

Available from Suidobashi Heavy Industry

http://suidobashijuko.jp/

Update Nov 30th

Guess Who's Coming To Diner

Romney and Obama had lunch together yesterday, and that was a news article in the WSJ. Yes! A real article about enemies eating birds. The article was eighteen paragraphs long. They had turkey chili and griLLed chicken salad. It didn't say who had what.

Now I'm hungry.

Update Dec 1st

December First in Texas: There was a live grasshopper on my front porch. I am (hopefuLLy) not an eXpert on such things, but he didn't appear to be in good health.

Update Dec 2nd

I am so proud of myself. I got my Inbox down to less than 9,000 messages.

(8,998)

Comment from My Favorite Friend in Delaware: Hit the "check all" box and then delete. You can always start over.

My Response: DeDa: No, you know me, I reaLLy can't do that.

Update Dec 4th

The number 80.

That is how many people signed the petition "Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government." yesterday December 3rd.

So far there have been 118,497 signatures.

At 80 people per day, by July 16th at 3:08 AM in the year 2888 there wiLL be enough signatures to equal the current population of the state of Texas.

To quote Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber): "So you're teLLing me there's a chance?!?!?"

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Sadly,
my life is momentarily devoid of red beLL pepper.
Its such a cold dark lonely place.
Help.

Where are you,
my tiny semi-spherical friend?

Indo Sham Nesia

I am in the wrong business.

There is a guy in Indonesia that charges $104,000 to slaughter a water buffalo and then hide the head to ward off evil spirits. And his prices have gone up about 20% since last year as he is one of the more popular shamans.

That would be a good idea for a new reality teleBision show, "Popular Shamans". Mix an amazing race, a bit of Real Houseknives of Jakarta and Duncing With The Stars.

I would go a cheaper, smaLLer product route though, and use squirrels instead of water buffalo. There are some agua bisons nearby less than an hour away, but I would prefer being able to work out of the trunk of my car. If I get reaLLy busy and someone is insistent on a buffalo, my truck does handle up to four thousand pounds. I would just have to find a place for my spare tire.

Sorry, I did my math wrong earlier, his prices have gone up about 25% since last year. The popular shaman is also a famous horror movie star.

For the less wealthy you can look in the Indonesian classified ads for budget rate shamans.

Update: Oh, I found out they already have shaman teleBision shows in Indonesia. Or in this case, a teleBISON show.

Strange Numb Er Moments Followed By Stranger Numb Er Momentums

So, I am napping. PeacefuLLy. The room is dark.

The Wifey enters the room and asks softly, "Are you awake?"

I am thinking the answer must have been Yes because that is the answer I s'pposedly gave.

She said she was going to McDonald's and wanted to know if I wanted anything.

I said, sure, McNuggets (chicken), and then silence. She asked me if I wanted fries too. I said Yes.

She left but then in my semi-numbed mindful not yet awake state I wondered why I had only ordered two vegetables and no meat. Yes, looking back now, how on earth I would consider McNuggets a vegetable. Biz-czar

Laying there in the dark I suddenly thought of the two cards I mailed yesterday, stiLL in the numbed slumber state, and I wondered if I got the two cards into their properly addressed envelopes.

[Sudden eXaggerated sense of siLLy fear quake]

Because thinking now both cards were eXactly the same size, BUT one of them was being sent anonymously! The anonymous one didn't have a return address or my signature inside the card. It just had my handwritten cryptic message like "from someone who feels your pain". It was a siLLy Christmas card with an abominable snowman with a photo of Barak Obama's face in the head. Inside the printed part said something like "Happy Holidays from the Obama-ni-bal Snowman". Just as soon as I saw it I realized that I must must must send this card to my favorite best friend Susie who is veRy conservative. The other card was to my friend in prison. It was a birthday card that I turned into a Happy Birthday November Card, with a nice long message.

While stiLL in my numbed slumbered state I thought about the word 'number'. I was asking myself if you were 'more numb', would that be speLLed 'number' with a silent b, and then the logical neXt question was, "Is it possible to make someone number with numbers?" Then I decided in my slumb numbered state that, Yes, an eXample of numbering with numbering would be a hypnotist who teLLs a person, "You wiLL get veRy sleepy as I count backwards from 100."

I had absolutely NO sensation that any significant amount of time had passed. I heard my Wifey say that my food was here.

What?!?!? I didn't even realize that she had left.

While eating my Chicken McNuggets, I realized that I could probably consider the BBQ sauce another vegetable serving. Cooper seemed to agree.

I was hoping to get my wonderful new invention posted in my blog, but that story isn't quite finished baking just yet, maybe a few more days. Work, work, work ...

Birds of a Farther

Question posed by a friend: ‎"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly to any place on Earth, and then I ask myself the same question"

My Response: ActuaLLy, every time a bird jumps up and flies the earth is sneaky and moves underneath them (at 1,000 mph at the equator) so imagine a bird's consternation at involuntary migration. The bird is going, "MYgration? I didn't ask for this?!?!?"

This is perplexing especiaLLy to birds who think the earth is flat. The birds that fly high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and can handle differential equations and dive bombing for food are a little more accepting of the whole thing.

Just notice neXt time you look at a bird which ones appear to be smiling.

If you don't believe me, just jump up in the air yourself, you'll see you don't come down in the same spot, eXcept for Santa Claus at the North Pole.

Its the original Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. You leave your post only to come back later to see that it has moved. This eXplains aLL the bird noise, "Where Is My Nest?", thats what the non-smiling ones are saying.

Obamastan & Mess-O-America

I designed a cartoon today. It has the 2012 election map of the United States by Red and Blue with the state boundaries erased. In the middle it says Middle America Indian Territory and then each coast has West Obamastan and East Obamastan. I was reminded of what happened to the Indian colony after the British left in 1947.

My other thought was: I wonder how often someone takes into consideration the Red-Blue-ishness of a destination when they are going through the process of moving, getting a different job, school, etc.

AdditionaLLy, since the recreational marijuana laws passed in Colorado and Washington, I added some green to their states.

I also stole the Red portion of the western Florida panhandle and gave it to Middle America. I repositioned the Red Alaska, tucked right below Texas and to the right, to simulate the island of Ceylon.

At a future date I may repaint the rest of Florida purple.

Scorpians and Well Positioned Snacks

After nearly thirty years of marriage I discovered something new. A strange noise near my horizontal ear. I turn over and there is a bag of potato chips in bed with me. This is handy, but I reaLLy need coffee, but it is not arriving automaGically.

*sigh*

[Note to Cindy: at least it wasn't a scorpi-'can']

[Note to aLL others: a scorpi-can is a scorpian you kiLL with a can.
Score: You:1-Bug:0]

[Note to self: without coffee the word 'scorpian' appears to be speLLed wrong]

Yesterday on the Facebook story about the brutaLLy murdered scorpian I left this comment:

It would be sad if scorpions were reaLLy the kindest beings in the universe with a great sense of humor, but we'LL neVer know .... [stomp]

Now I notice that yesterday I speLLed the bug as 'scorpion' in that comment, so I reaLLy need that coffee.

Currently reading an interesting book, forty percent finished. 'Lost At Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries'

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One of the reason I go to my local diner is to have chats with the cook. We mainly talk about physics, but other science as weLL. Last night he asked me this question:

"Do you know what separates man from other animals?"

And my correct answer but not the one he was looking for: "Nitrogen"

Nitrogen is the main constituent of the atmosphere at our level. I crack up laughing. He soon joins me, followed by one of us saying "oxygen", then me saying "argon is third at 0.93 percent"

The answer he told me (and this answer makes sense considering his occupation) "man cooks things, animals don't. There are some animals that use tools, some animals that [ranch and farm], but none that cook."

I told him that soon Sandy might hire a robot to possibly take his place.

This morning I just now realized that raccoons do wash their food if a stream of water is veRy handy. There are probably a few human chefs who don't properly wash things, including themselves.