Absent For A Bit ....

I am away for a little while working on a few or more episodes for The Adventures of My Space Alien Alter Ego story ... will return (to Earth) soon!

Notice: Blogger has screwed up and lost a bunch of photos out of my blog! They are replaced with a gray silhouette of a human head. I will eventually get them replaced with the correct photo, it may take a while to find and fix everything. So some of my stories don't make much sense without their photos, sorry for the inconvenience.



A Far Isms

Here are some of my modifications of some common aphorisms.

Beauty is only skin deep.

Beauty is only as deep as the first few layers of skin cells, and they are dead.

Beauty is dead

Or maybe:

Beauty is depth.


Beauty is dead depth.


Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

If you are an atheist and didn't believe that The Devil existed, omitting him would yield concisely:

Better you know than you don't.


Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door.

Build a better door and all the mice in the world will be unable to get in. It won't stop them from accumulating on your path, though.


Cast your bread upon the water, and it will be returned a hundred-fold.

Cast your bread upon the water, and it will be food for a hundred fish, depending on how much bread it was, and how well the fish take turns and share.


Don't burn the candle at both ends.


Don't burn your bridges behind you.

Install proper lighting on bridges, probably by not using candles.


Don't speak ill of the dead.

Don't speak of the dead to the ill. Sick people don't need to be reminded that it could get worse for them soon.


Eat to live, don't live to eat.


Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

So I created:
Don't forget to eat, drink and be merry, to really live it up, for tomorrow we diet.


Faith will move mountains.

Bulldozers can also move mountains, so bulldozer = faith. I wonder if this means that religious people should buy stock in Caterpillar Inc, symbol CAT on the NYSE and component of the DJIA.

Cat worship?


Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Even a broken clock is right four times a day if it is facing a mirror and there are just simple common symbols to indicate each hour to yield a symmetrical scheme through an axis of rotation.


For want of a nail, a kingdom was lost.

This would be reaLLy true if you owned a whole bunch of beauty salons that specialized in manicures and pedicures, and then suddenly everyone decided to stop caring for their nails and you went bankrupt.


Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Now, at first this sounds terrible, but it is not quite as bad as it first appears. You have already made arrangements to give 1 inch but then someone takes (12x5280) 63,360 inches. You thought you were losing 63,360 inches, but it is reaLLy only an eXtra 63,359 inches.


If wishes were fishes then no man would starve.


If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

Combined: If wishes were sea horses, then hungry beggars could have neat aquariums.


Ignoriance of the law is no excuse for breaking it.

You are really ignoriant if you spell ignoriance with two i's.


It'll all come out in the wash.

This not completely true. My clothes washing machine may remove dirt and grime, but the clothes dryer is the device that collects the lint.


Lightning never strikes twice in the same place.

This means that lightning will eventuaLLy stop happening once it has struck everywhere.


Many hands make light work.

An electrician makes lights work.

There is a high probabilty that light bulbs are made by robots, not hands.


You can't fit a round peg in a square hole.

It doesn't take much imagination to see that this is wrong. The diameter of the peg just has to be equal to or less than the side of the square hole.

I do not know how this applies to Winnipeg, Manitoba,  Canada. I have never been there although I have been within a few hundred miles and farther north in Canada.


When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

This would be more interesting as:

When in Rome, do as the Romans did.

Because then you could start conquering other countries and forming an empire.


Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I think it should be a little more visual. I like:

Revenge is a dish best served with ketchup.

(That way it simulates blood - additional scary element - plus most of the time ketchup is served cold)


Rob Z Tobor said...

I do agree with you on many of these; sayings from the past can get confused by present technology. For example most digital watches and clocks show no time once they are broken so are never right, This means a broken clock with hands is more accurate than a broken digital clock.

I think a broken digital Mousetrap will catch less mice than an broken old mechanical one.

So I conclude that old saying fail badly if used in conjunction with faulty modern digital equipment.

esbboston said...

I am trying to figure out how to add ketchup to your conclusion. I s'ppose mice could accidentally run into the sides of broken digital mouse traps and hurt themselves, especially if there be dragons, oops, I mean razor blades.

Badger said...

esb: I am amazed that you have the time to think about these things.

esbboston said...

Perhaps I had enough time but I don't remember. I think I wrote aLL of these on my day off about two weeks ago eXcept for the Revenge-Ketchup one this morning. I just had to have a problem customer in order to think of that one. But things are better now that I am at the diner with coffee and cheese sticks and the other large order with a happy customer has gone from the original 250 shirt order to over 365 because their charity drive is going a lot better than they expected. I think it might be at least another 50.

fmcgmccllc said...

I am in for the mani/pedi and ketchup. But I really prefer Catsup as I think it sounds more elegant.

esbboston said...

fmcgmccllc: I am sure we can agree to not disagree about catsup vs ketchup. HEY! What's the big deal, you are warmer than me by quite a bit today! Okay, we are getting a little bit of rain.

New Blog for My Abstract Art ... Come Visit

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Something New:

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First poem in the series of linked poems ....

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