Just A Few Q That Characterize You

1. Describe your hair when you first saw it this morning in the mirror:

Japanese war lord

2. When you hear the word 'Kodiak', you think of:

(Actually, all of these in one big blurry moment)

a) An Island

b) A Bear

c) The brand name of a shovel in the northwest corner of my garage

d) Film (I realize the last one is wrong, 'Kodak', but I still thought of it)

3. What is your most common typing mistake?

Its not myfault! Thestupidspace bar doesn't workreliably.

4. Are you taller than most people?

Taller than most people of the 13^th century according to the size of the doorways of castles & body armor.

5. If you had a choice of being abducted by aliens, would you choose Mexicans or little green people from far far away?

If I have to base my answer on 'cheese', I'll go with Mexicans. I just love Kraft "Mild Mexican Velveeta" cheese versus the myth of the moon being made out of cheese. Thank you Neil Armstrong for clearing that up!

6. If little green aliens abducted you, would you prefer to go to one of their planets or a moon?

Whichever one has 5 star accomodations. And a heated pool. And Dr. Pepper, maybe?

Order Your New Valentines Day Card Early While Supplies Last

On the front cover of the Valentines Day card is a picture of a wife in the dining room at the table saying in her best Jerry Springer show guest voice "You should be lucky I made you lunch!"

On the inside of the card is a husband in the kitchen replying in his best gangster serial Anthony Hopkins killer voice "You should be lucky I let you live"

Oh, sorry, this isn't a card, its something that happened at my house earlier today in our "The Sound of Music" existence about 10 minutes ago. (Jan 6th, 2008) Oh, silly-silly us.

A Sad Miserable Life?

You lead a sad miserable life if:

Your psychologist retires just to avoid talking to you.

You are dying from falling off a cliff and your life is flashing before your eyes but then you realize that they put in the wrong tape and it's somebody else's life.

Your best dreams are just automobile commercials from television and they aren't even the good ones in high definition.

You went ahead with the shotgun wedding only to find out that there was no gift of a new shotgun as you had expected from your future father-in-law. Only a used one in the far distant future as spelled out in his will.

Other people are in charge of making your New Year's resolutions that have *serious* consequences attached for failure from the other gentlemen on your cell block.

You discover in your college microbiology class that your mother's technique of washing dishes "lets wipe everything off" is a little bit inadequate.

Your children continue to remind you decades after the event of you trying to trick them by making your own version of Heinz 57® Sauce as an utterly expensive nasty tasting failure.

You di$cover that your mother ha$ been paying everyone to be your friend in My$pace and now they have banded together a$ a union a$king for a pay increa$e.

You buy your first house with one of the stated benefits, from the kind elderly couple, being "free water, sewer and trash" only to discover a bill one day in the mailbox for five years worth after living there only two.

After a few scrapes with the law your parents tell you (and everyone else) that you were adopted, even though you weren't.

You have never left North Dakota because your father told you that you couldn't without a visa and every time you ask someone to help you with the application process they tell you that you don't need one and you just know your father wouldn't lie to you. And he lives in a different state. And he won't tell you which one. Oh well, back to the pig farm.

You have bumped your head so many times on the same object that people start making bets on whether you are going "to do it again this time".

The main thing you are known for at work is for wandering around looking for free food.

You are finally rescued after 11 years. You have stood on the beach and waved frantically at thousands of low flying airplanes. Then you are told that you have been on a "desert peninsula", not island, and the airport that services a city of 2 million people is right over there.

Now ... Grease and Seasonings!

What is your water? Its changed nationalities: WAS French Evian, NOW its Brita®-ish

What are you sad about? NOW about Bhutto being assassinated in Pakistan

What is your temp? NOW warming up, been playing and falling down in the falling snow.

What has made you laugh? NOW, listening to my children play football on Playstation 2 all day

What is your most recent culinary discovery? NOW making Buffalo and Bacon Gravy with a hint of Tabasco

What are you eating? NOW nothing ... SOON sugar cookies straight from the oven. No, correction, pit stop for frosting is going to be required, it is Christmas ya know. BEFORE spiral ham at supper, the best stuff ever (only in the 'Ham' category, Alex) seasoned with 'Boar's Head® Brown Sugar & Spice Ham Glaze'.

What is the main thing you are listening to? NOW its a tie between the TV and the oven exhaust fan. Surprisingly the pair and a half of children, the other parent, and the puppy are all quiet at the moment.

What is your main pain? NOW slight dental, its been repair time in my mouth, a porcelain coronation!

What is your main problem in life? NOW you don't wanna know.

What is touching you? NOW my dog is laying on my right ankle. He is uaually within 4 feet of me if he can be. And clothes.

Mi Casa Spins and Drains Differently Than Yours

I have designed and built a new 3,500 square foot house that rotates slowly and constantly.

Magazine interview transcript from Nov 29th, 2007

Why 3,500 square feet? I just kept adding stuff, mainly floor.

Why rotate constantly? I decided that I wanted my new house to be the only house in my hemisphere (northern) to drain water in a clock-wise rotation in the shower.

How fast does it rotate? Thats a closely guarded secret.

Couldn't we just stand outside and count the revolutions? No, there is a stationary shield to guard from prying eyes.

Will there be tours? Maybe.

What is it like to live inside a spinning house? Oh, its just horrible. After a while your mind starts to think that little pink spiders have started crawling all over the walls making monkey noises. Who could have predicted that ?!?!? I had predicted squirrel noises, maybe.

Update 2007-Dec-23 - It was discovered that a bearing was defective on the main rotation device, making a squealing noise, and that is what was causing the "monkey" noises. The neighbor's dogs don't howl as much now either.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog (AND probably my favorite of all time)

Song Wars

"Oh, the weather outside is delightful and ...."

"No, Honey, its 'frightful' - 'the weather outside is frightful' is the lyric to the song"

"No its not - its not 'frightful' outside right now. I can sing it however I want"

So I respond by reading the complete correct lyrics aloud off the Internet.
---
Dec 22nd, we wake up to blowing snow, piling up.

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful and ...."

"No, Honey, its 'brightful' - its nice and sunny out today even though it is snowing"
---
Jan 16th, 2008 - we wake up to find that extremely mobile part of Canada has decided to move to Texas.

"Oh, the weather outside is 'single-digit-fahrenheit-ful' ...."

I think that is close to being one of the longest words I have ever created.

Ice Sculpture 101

Today you will learn about the fascinating world of Ice Sculpture using my special techniques. I will demonstrate how to make two sculptures which we did earlier today in my backyard.

I used plastic molds to create the shapes and applied the correct pressure at just the right point to achieve these wonderful pieces. Well, the dog liked them really well.

The first piece was a half moon semi-circle like a chunk of longhorn cheese from your supermarket. The water froze completely across my dog's circular pool. I stepped on it right in the middle just barely applying any pressure and it snapped the circle of ice almost cleanly in half. Then I removed the semi-circles from pool and stood them up by the storm cellar entrance. A giant 4 foot diameter by 3/4 inch thick ice sculpture of cheese glistening in the sun.

The second piece was from a 2 quart water pitcher that I left on the patio table last night. It did not quite freeze completely leaving a small section of liquid at the bottom of the pitcher but still frozen on the sides. I turned the pitcher upside down and the chunk of ice came splashing out. I put it upside down on the ground and filled it with water for my dog. He drank from it. And wagged his tail in approval.