Bacon Haiku

These were my four entries in a recent poetry "contest" with a theme of Bacon Haiku.

Rectangular pig

Pieces in my frying pan

Fine swine is now mine

My favorite meat

It is B A C O N?

No, it is bison

B is for Bacon

L is for the Lettuce and

T for Tomato

Oink oink oink o-ink?

oink o-ink o-ink o-ink,

oink oink oink, sque-al !!!

POETRY LINK: the next poem in my blog ...

A Bag of Water By Any Other Name Would Be Just As Scary

As I was entering a local burrito shop there was a clear plastic bag of water hanging near the front door.

I placed my order and asked the attendant about the bag.

The owner was standing a few feet away and said that it keeps flies away.

Curious, I asked for a scientific explanation.

He told me that when the flies go by the bag of water their reflection is magnified by the bag of water and how the little flies are scared of the big flies because the big flies eat the little flies.

"Really" was my semi-sarcastic response.

The owner told me that they are used all over the country of Mexico, in people's houses and businesses.

So I asked him for permission to shoot the picture of the bag of water so I could put it on Facebook.

He told me sure, it would be okay.

I told him that I publish stories on the Internet.

He suddenly said "No, not if it is going to be on the Internet! Then someone will steal my idea"

I humorously thought, no, its just a clear plastic bag of water, probably no patent pending and you already told me you got the idea from your grandmother and they are hanging all over Mexico. So I assured him that when people saw my story it would help him become more famous, people would come from all over to see his bag of water and eat at his place. He said it would be okay. Of course I was pretty sure that I could take a picture of a bag of water in a public place and there wasn't going to be much he could do to stop me, but I'm a nice guy and ask permission.

A little later while eating at the restaurant another patron mentions the bag of water. He thinks that the bag of water is used to keep evil spirits away. I lean toward him and say with a very serious, quiet voice, holding back my laughter successfully, that flies are evil spirits.

The Algebra of U

In Facebook I set my status as "F O G" to match my weather.

A friend responded "= F U N"

I saw a chance to do some algebra, and responded:

Algebra Time

F O G = F U N

F's cancel
O G = U N

Divide by N

O G / N = U

To which another friend responded:

F O O D = Y U M M Y!!!

hahahahahahahaha

So, back for some more algebra, I solved for U again with this response:

This one is for all the cannibals out there:

Solve for U

F O O D = Y U M M Y

Divide each side of the equation by M Y squared

F O O D / (M Y)² = U

So that is a square(d) meal deal

My Samsung Dgatgmmapw (Dictionary)

My nice bright mainly red Cellphone (Samsung Model SGH-A737) has a One-Der-Full feature that allows it to learn new words for re-use with future messages. This learning feature is part of the "T9Eab" typing mode. The system tries to find matches for the numeric keystrokes from its built-in dictionary. It tries to find the best match for you from a list and also allows you to scroll on farther through the list as well for other choices.

I disagree strongly with my use of the word "best" in that previous sentence.

Problem: Unlearning

Learning how to do something can be difficult at times, and the amount of effort involved with UN-learning varies from person to person and from thing to thing. The current thing of interest, my cell phone, appears to have a total lack of unlearning with its dictionary. It seems that the Samsung people (and I am assuming a robot didn't program my phone, but I could be wrong) forgot to add a feature to the system that lets you erase words out of the dictionary!

Help me ghost of Noah Webster! Its been 203 years since you first published your dictionary, so if you could go whisper in the ear of someone in Japan with my edit suggestion. Oh, I forgot you probably don't know Japanese.

For instance, when I type in the numeric keystrokes 3-6-7, going for the common word 'for' - which was already in their dictionary as the most common word for the letters

(def)-(mno)-(pqrs) of the 3-6-7 sequence,

there now magically appears a 'dmp' - which strangely is the first character of each of these keys AND the exact thing I would get IF I had been typing in the simple 'abc' mode.

(By the way, when you are in the 'T9Eab' mode and type in 2-2-2 for the keystrokes, it doesn't give you a choice of 'abc' in the lookup list! So if my phone doesn't even know its ABC's, why should this latest wrinkle crinkle of thinking surprise me?)

So I forget about this problem most of the time (okay, all the time) and I am just typing along and want for the word 'for' and get 'dmp' instead, and without checking first with my eyes, my mind tells my fingers that I am in the wrong write mode and it holds down on the key that is supposed to change the writing mode from 'abc' to 'T9Eab' - only I was already in that mode and now I am in the 'abc' mode so when I type the 3-6-7 again I get 'dmp' and when my finger then clicks the key to go down through the list of choices (and of course there are no choices in the 'abc' mode) my phone then displays 'dmp+' instead of toggling on down to give me a 'for' and I suddenly don't feel like I am in a very "PLUS" MOOD right then as I have just now been typing in the wrong write mode. Luckily it usually only takes me three tries to write a 'for' and not four.

My Non-Choice Nonsense Phone-y Words

'BD' instead of 'be'
'2x' instead of 'by'
'dmp' instead of 'for'
'WF' instead of 'we'

B All U Can B: Comparison - Army Or Me

Dear Prodigal Son in Fort Far Away Georgia,

So I hear that you have some interesting things in your life.

"Be all you can be"? - I think they really meant they were going to be in charge of the all part of your life .... here are some more "B" words to consider ....

- Bald - hmmmm, I don't think I ever forced you to give up all your hair, "How does it feel? Like a rolling stone?"

- Beret - hmmmm, I don't think I ever forced you to wear a funny hat at any point in your whole life, especially something French looking, how horrible! Well, there were birthday parties, but I think you spent alot of time wearing a Texas A& M cap over the last several years to make up for any previous indiscretions in the headware department.

- Boring Clothes - hmmmm, I don't think I ever forced you to wear a plain wardrobe, well, maybe your mother did, I am not sure about this one.

- Big Glass Binoculars - hmmmm, I think you got to pick out your own eye wear instead of now being forced to wear Army regulation ugly glasses. As I remember, you picked out some very interesting contact lens over the years.

- Bang - hmmmm, I don't think the deal I made with you to go to college and provide some support for you along the way ever carried any stipulations about needing to shoot people.... hmmm, now I seem to recall I spent a couple decades asking you/reminding you NOT to kill people and to be a nice person, yeah, I think I remember something along those lines, do you?

Please come home soon permanently before it is too late,
We kinda miss you a little.

Love,
Poppa