Followed by Dumber and Dumbest

Today's Dumb Joke: The magician David Copperfield was going down a road when he suddenly turned into a driveway.

Today's Dumber Joke: Do you know where to find Ukraine on the map?

U look right between Tkraine and Vkraine

Today's Dumbest Joke: What are the two hottest days of the week?

Fryday and Sunday

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Yea! I heard the position for King or Queen of the Netherlands is opening up, but I would have to wait until April. Bummer. I could do that job.

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Time is magical on computers. The iOS 6.1 software update says
'9 Minutes To Go'
and I close my eyes to rest.
A few seconds later I open my eyes and it says 11.
I try closing my eyes longer. This time it's 12 minutes to go (!)
I try one more time .... Wait .... wAit .... waIt .... waiT ...... 13 minutes (?)

I must be sleeping wrong.

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I was able to fix a door yesterday. I think that technicaLLy makes me a-door-able.

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They have a local newspaper in Oklahoma that covers four counties. The unique purpose of the "OK Jailbirds" is to give you information about the recently arrested, and fugitives. The issue I photographed at a convenience store in Enid OK covers Garfield, Kingfisher, Major and Noble counties. It is published once a month on the 2nd Saturday.

Then I found out today that there are several local editions for different chunks for most the state of Oklahoma. I found the online site and this map. The western part of Oklahoma is very sparsely populated, so that is my guess as to why they don't have jailbird coverage (yet). Or maybe the people in those counties are better nicer people? After aLL, they do live closer to me and perhaps I am a positive influence on the crime rate in western Oklahoma.

Almo$t Forever

The reason why the Post Office prints "Forever" on their stamps is because its shorter and takes less ink than "Good Until We Run Out Of Money".

I saw this morning that stamps went up by a penny. But I buy forever stamps anyway. I think any intended first class stamp from the past should be a Forever class stamp.

All my forever stamps are Santa Claus and Reindeer. That wiLL look kinda strange in July. Maybe.

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When I have shotgun questions it makes perfect sense to seek the ad-Vice from the Vice President. Oh, sorry, did I say 'perfect', perhaps I was thinking of a different fect word, say, maybe defect.

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Fact: Less than one tenth of one percent of aLL cottage cheese is manufactured in a cottage.

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Today's Dumb Joke: Do you know why they don't hold the Olympics in Budapest?

Because they would be known as The Hungary Games.

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Sometimes I think I accidentaLLy got some one else's bucket list.

It involves a wide variety of containers.

And surprisingly, lids.

I found a teleBision show caLLed 'An Idiot Abroad'. This episode has an Englishman in Russia. This should not be confused with a different show caLL 'A Broad Idiot'.

I just got finished hearing someone use the term 'Jet Age' to describe something ultramodern. The jet engine has been around for over sixty years, so you could actuaLLy encounter antique items that are 'Jet Age'. 

Considering when I was born, even I am 'Jet Age'. 

Most days I don't feel veRy ultramodern.

I am okay right now, weLL, most of me. The outside of my nose is cold. I am hoping it doesn't spread. It could turn out to be a strange case of progressive frostbite. 

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A Chicken of My Mother

 

 

A Bridge Adorned

While traveling across Oklahoma I noticed a strangely adorned bridge. It is narrow on the east side, but bra'd on the west.

(Just west of Woodward Oklahoma)

Goodbye Old Friends ..OR.. My Wife Made Me Throw Away Gold

After a year and a half I finaLLy wore out my Vibram Fivefingers Komodo Sport toe shoes.

My wife actuaLLy forced me to throw the old ones away!

So ... now I have a new pair of Black & Blue ones to replace the Black, Grey & Gold.

The old ones stiLL felt marvelous, they just had a "few" holes.

Holes are slightly incompatible with winter & wives.

I love being a Vibram shoe salesman.

So I took them for a walk in the park almost immediately. But I decided to take a chicken for a walk in the park too.

By chicken, of course, I meant that I had to stop at the diner just a few blocks away from the park to have a griLLed chicken sandwich with bacon.

While I was at the diner I told Shannon the owner that I had applied for a job far away. It was a technician job operating a scanning electron microscope. I told her that I probably wouldn't get the job or even an interview. Then I remembered that I had read an article about a guy who built his own electron microscope.

Normally these things cost a whole bunch of money.

Shannon asked me what would I need an electron microscope for?!?!? I eXplained that I had just read the article and didn't have any immediate plans to build one.

If you google "Build your own electron " ... then microscope shows up as the first item on the drop down box. 

Link to Build Your Own Electron Microscope

So after my walk in the park I decided that I deserved a treat: chocolate

I headed to Wal-Mart to buy a 6 pack of Hershey's milk chocolate bars.

When I got out of the truck I realized I only had eXactly 4 dollars because the shorts I have on have these horribly long pockets that go aLL the way to the bottom, so anything in the pocket bounces on my knees as I walk, a terrible feeling. I also had bought them long ago at Wal-Mart. I thought, surely 4 dollars should buy me chocolate.

I was wrong.

The price was $3.94, which made me happy until I realized I would probably have to pay sales tax which would be 32 cents, so I was going to be short and 100 yards away from my truck!

The state of Texas usuaLLy doesn't charge tax on groceries, food items, but they have weird rules about how things are packaged which determine the tax or no tax rule.

So I ask the man stocking the candy aisle if he can help me cover my potential tax. We are laughing at me begging for coins. He only has 21 cents which I promise to pay back. He tells me the ladies at the service desk might be able to help me with the rest.

I go to the service desk and eXplain my situation and they (two of them) smile and start digging their change out. So they give me enough to cover the tax AND give me the 21 cents back so that I can reimburse the stocker of the candy aisle, which I returned immediately.

And Then Something Else Happened

I was listening to Pandora, which gives you randomized selections of entertainment. They also give you a button to skip things you don't like AND things they have already played. BUT it turns out they have a daily limit on the number of times you can skip. SO ... I turned Pandora OFF ... hmm, I wonder if they saw that coming?

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I heard the Aflac duck is hospitalized and suffering from mysterious injuries. I think their main suspect should be Gilbert Gottfried.

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The local sports coverage was on just now but I wasn't listening too closely. But I did notice something odd in the annoucer's voice as he was narrating the action of the game highlights. Suddenly he said, "Oh, sorry, wrong tape." I think he suddenly noticed the words on his teleprompter didn't match the video being presented.

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I am having trouble finding the right frequency to shave. Every ten minutes seems too often, and every ten days seems a bit too gorilla.

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It is now 4:30 AM. You may think I am up early but I am actuaLLy down late.

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I originaLLy titled this blog post "And Then Something Happened". But that was the second to the last thing that happened, the naming of the blogpost. The last thing was adding the word Else. But now I realized that isn't true, because the last thing I am actuaLLy doing is writing about the titling process. What would be truly horrible is if in the future I accidentaLLy add something near the beginning of this blog post while forgetting that this declared final part being right here, totaLLy destroying my integrity. I think I need a sandwich.

The Star T B Utton

Diagnosis: I thought the Start Button on my microwave oven was flaky, but it turns out that the "Door Closed Sensor" probably just needs adjusted. My son discovered that pushing against the already closed door while pushing the Start Button makes it start reliably.

HopefuLLy nothing else goes wrong that would require me to simultaneously hold my foot against left side while resting my chin on the top side while pressing my elbow against the right side.

I just want to heat my pancake syrup.

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My least favorite GEICO commercial: Eddie Money Travel Agency

Later: I just saw the GEICO commercial where the gecko is talking about his virtual coffee - which suddenly reminded me about the pot of real coffee I made but then forgot about while watching something interesting on teleBision.

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Earlier in the afternoon I saw that it was 20 F outside. The F stands for Far in height, but it can also mean Far in length, too. So I set a target of 20 miles for walking at the park. I came within 19.5 miles of my target, but I won't say [weather] I was high or low. I am now safely eating inside, eating a griLLed chicken sandwich with bacon while chatting with Jesus and James. IronicaLLy the first thing James asked me about was Germans going below absolute zero. I doubt them.

Link to Going Below Absolute Zero

Also, the snow in the shadow of the foot bridge at the park was reaLLy neat. Link to PHOTO
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Oops! I'm in trouble.

It is now 12:18 AM and I believe there is no where in my city that I can buy fresh jalapeño peppers. At least any place that I know.

If you happen to have a spare JP, bring it by, but don't ring the doorbeLL. Because I don't have one. And you might wake up people who are less enthusiastic about satisfying my need to make a perfect soup.

At this point there are probably three of you out there who are thinking, "If this guy can grow pineapples, why didn't he think to grow jalapeno peppers?" (I didn't speLL it with an ñ that time because I didn't know if those three people are comfortable in their use of squiggly n's.)

I wiLL gladly reimburse you two peppers for one later today, that is how desperate I am. I must stir now, good-bye.

No, I Was Not Also Standing On My Head

From Cryptogram Corner:

********************************************************************** 
* KP MA POBH OW GXHHJAB AG WZHHIF BAXH ZXHIOAVW PFKM TFHM K BKM FOPW * 
*                                                                    *
* FOW PFVBN TOPF K FKBBHX.                                           * 
*                                                                    *
* BKXWFKCC CVBWJHM                                                   * 
*                                                                    *
**********************************************************************

"At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer" - Marshall Lumsden 

This particular puzzle was more difficult than most cryptograms. I finally focused on the three words FOPW FOW and TOPF. I figured it out by looking at a list of common three letter words where I could slide a different letter into the third spot creating a new four letter word where I could then take the first three letters of that word rearranged would be the last three letters of a different four letter word, where none of the letters could be 'a'. Tah Dah! 

FOW -> FOPW -> TOPF
his -> hits -> _ith 

I carefuLLy eXamined about 40 three letter words, sliding different letters into position three (P of FOPW) before finding 'his'. I was pretty sure that an 'a' needed to be used twice in the puzzle as a stand alone word for K. 

After that, it was easy.

Sweet & Smokin'

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

I came to bed only to find I had been replaced by my mate.

There by my piLLow was a large opened bag of Ruffles UltiMATE potato chips.

At least the flavor was Sweet & Smokin' BBQ.

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So ... There is a teleBision show caLLed 'King of the Nerds'.

Big Question: Why did they not invite me to be a contestant on this show?

A friend from long ago in high school responds: Because it said King of the nerds, not Lord of the nerds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took that as a compliment.

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(Afternoon) Cooper and I watch it snow from the comfort of the living room couch.

Just a light amount of snow. My neighbor's house has almost a complete white lauer over the sections of the unheated parts - garage and front porch, whereas the rest of the house has almost no snow.

More importantly, pizza is on its way. I must prepare the fresh vegetables for the meat pizza that I ordered. I add red beLL pepper, purple onions, and jalapeño peppers - aLL diced - to the meaty pizza, mmmm, good eatin'!!!

No, I Want The McSack Not

It is stiLL McRib season but I show up at the busy lower IQ lunch run for the school kids. I try to teLL the clerk that I want my order to eat at the restaurant, but she is just barely out of hearing range by maybe a half inch (?) and doesn't respond. The young lady at the neXt register teLLs me, "Everything is to go during the lunch run." And I ask her to simply put my McRib on the TRAY that is right in front of me, no sack, please. Her response is, "I'm sorry, sir, we can't not do that."

Yes, a double negative.

I had to work reaLLy hard to keep from laughing during this episode.

When The Sack arrives 15 seconds later I carefuLLy take the McRib package out of the sack, place it on my tray and ask her politely not to throw away the useless sack. She complies for at least the three seconds until I turn around to leave. But when I turned around a second later to check it was no longer in her hand.

Amber Alert Alert Alert

Sometimes when you are reading a biochemistry textbook it sounds like a sci-fi fantasy: "Kinesin, like myosin, is a relatively large protein (with a molecular mass of 380 kD) and has two large globular heads and a coiled coil tail domain. Each 100 angstrom long head consists of an 8-stranded beta sheet flanked by 3 alpha helices on each side and includes a Tubulin-binding site and a nucleotide-binding site. The light chains, situated at the opposite end of the protein, bind to proteins in the membrane shell of a vesicle. The vesicle and its contents become kinesin's cargo."

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I just got a text message on my ceLL phone saying there was an Amber Alert in my area BUT it didn't give me any pertinent information, so that was an Amber Alert Alert. This is an Amber Alert Alert Alert because it is alerting you that I was alerted that there was an alert without any real alert info. My s'ggestion is to watch the news later.

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We are headed into a store walking across a cold wintry parking lot and enter the shadow of the building. The wife is in a merry mood and has been humming some tune when her throat suddenly makes a strange unadorable noise just before we reach the door. I am slightly behind her and could have possibly heard something wrong, so I ask, "What was THAT?!?!?" - and she laughed and said, "I suddenly yawned"

(it is 5 PM - who yawns at 5 PM in mid song?) so ... I thought for a second, and asked her, "So, ... you were yaw-ny-ing?" with three distinct syllables.

On The Twelfth Day After Christmas ...

Yea! I finaLLy got my Christmas present 12 seconds ago. My wife ordered a set of pots and pans for me. She got off the phone and declared happily and silly-ly that they were for me and not her. I told her that I had figured out her phone conversation. I am smart. Then about the time I had finished typing the previous sentence she squeezed my right hand pinky finger, to which I yeLLed "Ow!" VeRy loud then I asked her why she did that, she said "I felt like it" and then giggled, then annoyingly she started knocking on my pinky finger as if it were a door (because she can't see me writing this on my iPad) but I didn't answer. FinaLLy after the second knock I told her she was disturbing me, but I didn't eXplain in eXact terms how she was bothering me. She eventuaLLy left and I asked her where she was going, and her response was, I am not sure how to speLL it, maybe "pffft". I asked her what that meant and she indicated we must get ready to leave. Why? The most important reason of aLL: We are dangerously close to running out of coffee

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If you can't cherish every day, then try for every other day. It wiLL give you an interesting hobby keeping track of cherish and non-cherish days. If that becomes too difficult for you, then try going with an odd-even day scheme. I would recommend picking your birthday as a cherish day when trying to pick odd-even. For mathematicaLLy challenged people who don't know or care what odd and even numbers are, you can just flip a coin at the beginning of the day, heads equals cherish.

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Update: I just realized I got two gifts in one - I can use the old large pots for my pineapple plantation!

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Update: I have left and right socks. Then tragedy struck this morning. One of the left ones was missing. I thought, "Oh no! This wiLL lead to the remaining left socks wearing out slightly faster than their right counterparts." But then a short while later I found the prodigal sock, and everything is now okay. You may now resume whatever it was you were doing before reading this.

Take My Sister-In-Law, ... Please

Several minor events ...

My wife asked me to take her sister to the doctor later today, but I accidentaLLy wrote my reminder as "be at her house at 3 to take her to the vet". (Cooper's annual appointment was the neXt day)

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I am having serious graffiti problems in my dreams. They are mainly blue.

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"I didn't know we were in communist Sweden" - one of the best lines from The Office (I don't remember ever hearing that one before.)

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Today's Discovery on The Discover Channel: The Amish Mafia

Plus "Moonshiners", same channel.

I think there is something seriously wRonG with the logic processing of people who commit criminal activities while being video and audio recorded. But then its similiar to having law enforcement agencies and the military bragging about some of their special techniques and processes.

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What I became aware of yesterday while glancing at New Jersey: There are three state forests in Delaware, but if you want to go to Delaware State Forest you have to go to Pennsylvania.

One friend commented: Peculiar

My favorite lawyer friend responded to him: He is, but you get used to it (Smiley Face)

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What a siLLy dog. I blow my nose and Cooper starts barking in the other room (thinking its an intruder). At least I hope thats what he is thinking. I hope he isn't just making a general complaint.

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After eXtensive linguistically archelogical, stellar, solar and lunar research, I have determined the Mayans were off by a month and reaLLy caLLed themselves the June-ans. So the world doesn't end until Jan 21st, 2013.

My best friend simply told me to "Shut up"