Tom, Bill and Some Unhappy Lady Without A Name

I eventually went to the diner yesterday in a stage of exhaustion and hunger. I woke up from my nap after only a half hour when I wanted at least an hour. 

Then my wife called while I was stiLL lying in bed and asked if I could come back to work to handle a minor rush print job, to cut some vinyl lettering. It took me a bit before the bottom of my feet wanted to handle any pressure then after I sat down my knees didn't want me vertical. I woke up in eXtreme hunger like I had not eXperienced in ... No I couldn't remember ever being hungry to the point of wanting to cry. Bizarre. That thought at that moment 180'd my brain and I cracked up laughing. This probably confused Cooper. After a cup of coffee I finally made it out of the house. There was also a piece of toast followed by peanut butter on crackers.

But by the time I made it downtown the shirt order had vanished.

The customer had came back to our store after ordering the special printing and started complaining about the price and wanted us to do the work cheaper. My wife was busy with hair cutting clients and gave the money back. The customer implied that we were trying to steal from her! It was so unreal that it flabbergasted our employee to tears. The guy from the cable company witnessed the episode and said that was really strange, some customers are just so unreasonable, like they expect something for nothing.

So I decided to do a couple more shirts on my large embroidery order before going to the diner.

I was hoping that my favorite waitress Kandi was going to be back after taking several weeks off for the holiday season. So I was grateful to see her smiling face as she asked me if I needed my French fries and gave me a hug. There were several people that evening who told her that they were glad she was back.

I hurt enough that I needed a booth instead of sitting at the bar where I can watch teleBision and chat. Just as I sat down in walked Bill. He sat down at the booth across the aisle. He got Kandi to s'pposedly straighten out his seat before sitting down but I didn't see it move. Bill was unusually quiet.

Here is the Bill story.

Bill is a World War II Marine service vet who is most likely senile. He comes to the diner sometimes up to four times in a day and orders either a cup of coffee or coffee and a sandwich. The sandwich is always fried ham with mayonnaise on whole wheat which is cut in half and he always gets a to-go box because he eats just one half.

The owner of the diner finally found out what happens to the other half of the sandwiches after a policeman was in the diner playing pool in the back room and happened to see Bill. So he told the diner owner these details.

It seems that Bill was saving up the half sandwiches in their Styrofoam containers until they were good and moldy then he would take a bunch of them down to the police station to "donate" them to the fine men and women in blue.

It doesn't take the police department too long to ask him not to bring any more leftover sandwiches.

So then Bill decides to start visiting the police department to chat. After a few visits he is asked to not come back as they have work to do. I think, "This isn't Mayberry North Carolina, there is no Andy Taylor and Barney Fife". I have heard several of Bill's conversations at the diner and they are typically filled with improper and unpleasant words maybe half the time. The other half he is usually stone cold silent.

So if Bill can't donate sandwiches or chat at the police department he decides the next best thing to do is tail a police officer in his car. So Bill proceeds to follow a particular officer all over town. Finally the officer decides he has had enough of this behavior and pulls over to investigate. Sure enough Bill pulls in behind him.

The officer recognizes Bill and asked him what he is doing and after Bill's explanation he asked Bill to stop following him.

Bill responds angrily, "Well, you fat [four letter F word], you should join the Marines and get in shape!" - and then Bill hits the accelerator and zooms away sending gravel flying as the officer stands there probably relieved that that ended well.

So back to me eating my supper. I am starving so I order my veRy rarely ordered huge meal of shrimp, potato, toast and salad. I ask for a single slice of onion to have with my salad. I dice it up at the table with a steak knife.

But they don't send out a single slice, but half of a huge white onion. So I cut up just a slice and put it on my salad that is in a bowl that is too smaLL, so mixing the onion and then also crackers with Ranch dressing is a delicate, slow yet doable act.

So right in the middle of my eXpensive eXtensive multi-course meal with both cool and hot items that I don't wish to eat back at room temperature, there comes this strange voice saying, "Hey, Ernie" from a couple tables away behind me.

I recognize that it is the quirky voice of a bizarre person named Tom, a friend of Kandi. "Friend" may be the wrong word and "stalker" may be closer. But I am in the middle of my meal and I don't want a Tom interruption so I pretend I don't hear him and it works, he only says the Hey Ernie once and stays in his own seat.

I am almost finished and want to go home but then my wife calls and has me bring her something from the diner. So I am forced to sit there for a little while longer and aLL I want is sleep. I had forgot about Tom. The gigantic meal didn't even fiLL me up but I was at least ready for some back pain to go away. Besides, Cooper would soon need his evening cheese.

Just as I stood up to leave, Tom once again hollers at me, so I go over to see what he wants. He has a question for me. He asks me if I feel like wrestling some cattle, which I immediately transform into the correct word idea of rustling cattle, stealing them. Which is a veRy bizarre question to ask somebody, especiaLLy in public. EspeciaLLy someone you just barely know. I pretend I didn't understand him, because I reaLLy want him to say it again only louder and with more "clarity". So he says it again, yes, this guy is telling me this with a straight face, no sign of humor. I respond wearily, No, I don't want to rustle any cattle. And with a serious questioning face Tom asks, "Why not?"

I am thinking, I eat buffalo instead of beef, why would I want to steal some cattle? Besides, I am a city boy, at the moment, weLL, the last 51 years at least.

How do you respond to such nonsense? I just teLL him I am eXhausted and need to take my wife her supper before it gets too cold.

I am hoping that Tom and Bill don't show up in my dreams,  OR any cattle .... or angry shirt customers.

Its probably a good thing he didn't ask me if I wanted to steal a buffalo, in my weakened condition I might have said yes.

Me As Trees

A friend of mine posted a way of recycling your ashes so that your mineral remains get incorporated into a newly planted tree. So that gave me an idea for transforming one of my favorite poems, Trees by Joyce Kilmer. I had never thought about eventuaLLy becoming part of a tree, I am just planning on slowly becoming a rock in western South Dakota.

Me As Trees

by Ernest S B Boston

I think that I would like to be

An integral part of a tree

A tree that has grown up from the ground

Where my ashes could be found

So after a life of trouble and toil

The mineral me had become some soil

A bird could build her nest on me

And raise a family tiny and wee

When people ask how, you could show 'em

That parts of me are woody phloem!

So even if you are not really into this

I'll still be carrying on photosynthesis

As my magnesium atoms are a part of solar collection

I'm enjoying making an energetic connection

If you miss me and feel I need a hug

Just give my bark a great big tug

I guess perhaps the best eternal rest

Is being part of an evergreen for-ever-est

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog

Threads, Needles, Time Machines and My Tiny Buffalo

I had a dream where I was having a telephone conversation with my older sister, who lives 888 miles away in real life. She kept insisting loudly that she needs to come spend two weeks with me in order to get to know me better. I am veRy much against this idea and I am teLLing her veRy loudly. I don't want her to know me, I keep saying. 

-----

A friend asked me if I had anything to stop the wind. I replied: 

Me, arms outstretched I slow it a little.

A billion of me flapping our arms in a concerted manner might even reverse the wind direction. 

Each one of the me's has 'two' hands and arms. 

Each one of me represents a billionth, which has a math science expression of 'nano'. 

So this wind that the billion me's create would be called a: 

two-nano-me

Not to be confused with a tsunami

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Here is something bizarre about Amazon.com

I order some toe socks to wear with my Vibrams. I have never had problems in the past. This is probably my fourth time to order socks.

This order arrives one day late, possibly because it passed through the post office instead of UPS.

The socks arrive dirty! They appear to be new unworn socks, yet soiled.

I get an e-mail from Amazon asking about packaging for this exact order less than a day after it arrives.

I fill out their online survey about my problem. BUT ... at the end of the process I am informed that I don't have any recent orders that qualify for my information to be applicable. 

Big question mark in my brain.

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I am suspicious that the Post Office has a time machine. I got a notice from a thread supplier that my order was being shipped 3 hours ago, BUT the tracking information from the Post Office says that a shipping label WAS (past tense) created in Colorado at 3:23 PM Mountain Time, which is almost 4 hours from now in the FUTURE. This must have something to do with the String Theory in physics. If so, practicaLLy aLL my string for this order is a shade of pink.

To add to the time confusion part of the order is back-ordered.

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In FaceBook I posted this without eXplaining it was my dumb joke of the day:

Someone made a terrible mistake. I bought some hay to feed my buffalo and it was 85% needles.

A relative from Idaho asked if I really had a buffalo. 

I eXplained to her that it was just a "needle in a haystack joke", and no, my buffalo comes 1 pound at a time vacuum sealed from North Dakota.