My Second Set of 100 MySpace and My Other Place Headlines

My Second Collection of 100 Headlines

from

MySpace, Facebook and Twitter

Other Collections of 100 Headlines:
  1-100  201-300  301-400  401-500  501-600 
601-700 

Come visit my other blog of cartoons !!!
Tiny Pictures From My Brain

200: The next time you are in the market for rhinoplasty, remember this piece of add-vice: You can pick your nose, and you can pick your girlfriend's nose, but if you happen to have a gorilla for a friend, you can't pick your gorilla friend's nose.

199: It appears that Facebook can't handle the word 'Facebook' in it's spell checker for messages

198: I know that Islamic Iranians don't believe in reincarnation, but it appears to me that the whole of the East Bloc communism, secret police, etc, ran downhill and resurfaced in Iran.... RomANIa .. RomAN..I.a.RomAN .... I...r..a.n

197:I am preparing for the coming nuclear holo-caustic end-of-times by backing up everything on the Internet to my hard drive in order to rebuild human civilization. Don't worry, I'm making a paper copy as well. 3 hole punch'd. In binders. Alphabetized. No porn.

196: My bio for the twitter profile display starts off with : 'Bio chemist ..." - its a good thing I didn't put down 'logist' as the first word, because I am certainly not a bio logist, much less a bio chemist. Just a scientific gardener. Mmm, tomatoes ....

195: Its seems that my world is getting wetter. And there are more frogs appearing. And supposedly there is global warming. So combined together - wetter, frogger, warmer - Global Warting !!!

194: I took one look at my wife's new wicked looking electronic facial equipment and said, “Wow, with this stuff I could get a job at Guantanamo Bay. 'Vee haf ways uf making you talk, bud virst vee vill make you scream vile vee laugh'

193: Ernest is watching a bird and squirrel fight for a spot on a phone line. Bird won, Squirrel zero.

192: I have reached the outer space limits. Of my wireless optical mouse. With rechargeable batteries. So I rearranged the furniture in my living room to compensate for the lower voltage rodent.

191: So it seems twitter has reduced the 'sound byte' to a 'sound bit'. Let me know when someone comes out w 'TwYTE-r' so I can have a longer msg

190: How do I handle pork at the Federal Gov't level? I have a separate special Spam folder dedicated just for the e-mail messages from my congressman.

189: Okay. I did it. I gave fair warning to the frog on my back door step. I told him it wasn't a good place to sit. I already stepped on him once this evening - yes, I felt horrible about it. And Cooper's training of "Mr Froggie Is Our Friend" only seems to work while I am within eyesight.

188: DPRK is so close to DORK and DARK

187: I thought that Iran's Prez Ahmadinejad wore a 'Member's Only' jacket until I saw NoKo Prez Kim Jong Ill wear one too, so it must be a 'Dictator's Only' model

186: Ghandi: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" Ernest: ".. and puts all the optometrists out of business, leading to a world ruled by a master race of German Shepherd Dogs"

185: I got my new handle for FaBo: abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvuuxyz (I like my Double U)

184: Today's Life Lesson: Its a good thing carpet comes in a lemonade color.

183: I checked my earnings from Google advertisements from writing on the Internet. So far I am up to 13 cents. At this rate I will be a millionaire in about 44 years if I can get it to double every 23 months.

182: The irony of war: Most wars are fought about dirt & people. They die & get put in dirt, consuming more dirt & having less people. Lose-Lose

181: "Yes, Cooper, I realize I should be outside enjoying the coolest part of the day instead of working on this complex Excel function"

180: () If you think o herding cats O is diFFicult, you % should try teNNis baLLs ..0oO@8..

179: Does your wife know 'Hindi'? No, her do know 'Urdu'. Well, a few of words anyway. Like 'Happy' and 'Christmas' and 'Hello'. 'Hello' is 'Helo' and 'Christmas' is 'krismas' and 'Happy' sounds like the last name of the President of Egypt, so that will make it easy to remember. Everything else is harder than that.

178: PPOOP - A new acronym I created about an hour ago just as I woke up: Political Prisoner Of Office Politics

177: The ads popping up on my web browser are starting to get more personal with a change from "Get A Car Loan Even With Bad Credit" to "Get A Car Loan Even With YOUR Bad Credit"

176: A friend of one of my friends in Facebook mentioned that he likes having a 'Like' button but it would be nice to have an 'Unlike' button as well. But because it was a friend of a friend, I did not even have the option of registering a 'Like' for his 'Unlike' idea and I did not like this non-feature. Facebook - The UnLike Unable Place

175: Interesting: I started a fresh note in Facebook yesterday about how the government of Iran was blocking Facebook right before the national election. I left it in the system as a rough draft. Now I can't find it. Hmmm....

174: I wonder how many times I will have to tell MySpace NO to their stupid pop-up screen for the same &@^^')) irritating question over and over and ....

173: Don't mistake my kindness and patience as a sign of weakness. You won't enjoy the consequences.

172: I wanted to send you a card the other day, but they were out of the 'Please come home from the Army before some psychopath kills you' bin at the Hallmark store

171: My early morning not so dark sky has gone from a few noctilucent clouds with moonshine scattered across full force on my turf to cloud cover translucence on edges of a rolling roiling not really boiling lunar glow as everything near ground level that could be closely considered white responds echoishly with its w-light from the hardened dirt path resembles Milky Way to the dog treat pile scattered pieces The Pleiades

170: Ernest wonders just how much longer it will be before China tells N-Korea, "Would you just SHUT up! You are embarrassing the neighbors. Do you want to be 'Tibet-ized' ?"

169: Yea! I saw "My First Tomato of The Year" when I went to turn the lights off in the kitchen. It is almost time to move most of the moist tomato garden in buckets from by the back glass door to the glorious more solar outdoors. Solanum lycopersicum. Spring. May. Here we come!

168: Today was "Take Your Fake Sister To Work Day" so I had a great time with two of them.

167: I just noticed that actor Mel Gibson and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look very much alike, or maybe I just need new glasses. One of those guys keeps appearing in a scary ad in Facebook
(It was Mel G. in a beard)

166: T-"It is only 9:47 and it feels more like midnight" E-"Yeah, it feels more like 9:53 to me" T-"But you slept all day" E-"Honey, that's only 6 minutes difference" T-"Oh"

165: Children need to learn the subtle differences and the dire consequences of when their parents say "no", "No", "NO", and "NO!!!!!". And, "NO!!!!!", those were not 'happy' exclamation marks just then.

164: Ernest is wondering which is more difficult: To disagree on how we agreed to disagree in the past, or to agree to not disagree on how we are to agree in the future?

163: I just heard yelling and screaming outside my house. I looked out the front window to see "children" playing in the street. One "child" was sitting in the wheelchair and the other "child" was standing on the back part as it came down the hill. My dog was not amused.

162: There are just only so many things worth thinking about, and if you tried to think about all of them AND you wanted to know the exact number of things out there that were truly worth thinking about, well, then you would be thinking about one thing too many.

161: All Interrogators of the Justice Department (I-Men) know in the summer time to offer just mint flavored ice as a favorite favor treat meant for bribing the soon to be deported Sunni men in their snow cones instead of using terror or some times, alligators during interviews.

160: Just thinking about building an igloo soon . . . . . . . only I have no igloo glue or own nails made of hailstone.

159: Do you know what it feels like to be totally crushed beyond belief, relief, grief, and at the mercy of some shameless nameless faceless thief? Well, that isn't me at the moment. But the morning is young.

158: I was wondering this: If Meryl Streep had peeps, and those peeps had peeps who didn't know Meryl and Meryl didn't know them, would they be known as non-non-peeps of peeps of Meryl Streep? And if you alphabetized and ranked your peeps and had 12 of them, would the last one be known as peep L? If so, Judas was Jesus' peep L.

157:I was watch-ing a kind-of screen saver at MySpace when suddenly the real screen saver on my computer starts running, only it was just slightly different, as that picture show has almost the same ones in a slightly different order. But my pet owl kept saying "Who?" and I would have to explain things over and over and ov..

156: I am a man soon to get salmon !!!

155: The headline today was 'Obama Wants High Paying High Skill Jobs in the Future (AP)' - and I am thinking to my-unemployed-self: Doesn't he already have a pretty high paying complicated job as President of the US of A?

154: Now it seems to me that the process of parenting was a big giant waste of my time & $$$, especially now that the U S Fed Govt has got involved trying to undo it

153: I wished we were a wee bit Irish, are we?

152: If you think that it is interesting/strange/bizarre that I work on a dozen languages and several writings systems, just think what my dog has to put up with from me.

151: Ernest has just discovered the interestingly shaped typos of the word 'suddenly': suppenly, subbenly, and suqqenly.

150: I have been training my wife on some Eskimo skills (such as cleaning food off a sharp knife with just your tongue) just in case we have to relocate to the Arctic for employment. She is a slow learner and refuses to try this 'dishwashing' technique.

149: Ernest is just experiencing a typical day of being invisible, saving private chicken (plural), and finding a big shiny pretty $4000 rock (on sale!!!)

148: I think that most of the people around me live in such a tiny world (or the crazy ones - a luna) that they have no idea or can even begin to comprehend, my Jupiter existence

147: Sometimes in the course of human events, some humans get off-course and become coarse and then untimely and inhumanely vent and curse. It's like they switched courses in midstream.

146: Ernest is just sitting back watching good vs evil play out before his eyes knowing that evil people eventually dry up and blow away and to just have patience

145:Ernest is writing a poem about the purchase mixup of a 'Bullet Proof Vest' & a 'Pullet Proof Nest', a device he just invented to get young chickens to leave home.

144: Ernest is in a state of shock. A terrible thing has happened in his life: I needed to know the cube root of 2 just now and suddenly realized I didn't know it. I just felt so cold inside, so numb; numb~b~r~r

143: Ernest is free !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!:

142: Ernest noticed that it doesn't take a village to raise an idiot, but they keep appearing. Where do village idiots come from?

141: Ernest just created a new word. "legally" it is pronounced 'leg' 'all' 'eeee' - it means when everyone has their legs pointed in the same direction.

140: It takes considerable talent to turn a win-win situation into a sin-sin situation. (Note to math people: that was not trigonometry just then)

139: Ernest is shutting down for a very long time. Goodbye.

138: Ernest is a dog massage-by-feet therapist in training. Yes, thats 'feet' not 'foot'.

137: I was thinking about getting an iPhone, its pretty cool, but it sounds too egotistical, "I, I","me, me, me". Just remember, 'iPhone' backwards is 'enohPi', and when you Google that, you STILL get iPhone! Amazing................

136: I was going to change my MySpace headline to something really special but now I forgot what it was going to be so I typed THIS instead.

135: Ernest has learned how to make a survival tent out of his shirt. Was chilly. Now warm except where a wig would be if I wore one. So it is a non-wig-wa(r)m wigwam.

134: Ernest is saddened deeply by the tragic events of one selfish person in Covina CA destroying the lives of so many.

133: There have been extremely brief periods in my life when the only thing I think about are little tiny dots. (Oops! I did it again!)

132: You can tell he is a true computer geek: all his shirts are red, green, and blue.

131: I have learned that my wife really doesn't like some of my relatives, especially my father-in-law (YES, as always, I did get her permission to post this.)

130: Ernest is under at&tack from AT&T who are good at tacking on AT&Taching charges at&t an ear-ritating alarming hyperinflationary irrational rate; I irate > they pirate.

129: Ernest met a perplexed fan of his writings. The man asked, "Have you ever done CRACK?!?!?" - Ernest took it as a sign that his works were inspiring and motivational.

128: eXtreme: Your neighbor likes his old weathered fence### so much he carefully removes the dilapidated boards, Ab-Lincoln-esquely rail splits them[], laminates them back together with carbon fibre and coats them with a transparent fire-proofing.[|]

127: Ernest thinks that it is bad enough that airlines, his plumber and his mother overbook, but now he finds out his psychiatrist does two; oops sorry, too.

126: So, I have had this 'mood' thing all wrong at MySpace - I thought you were supposed to be setting it to how you WANTED to feel and it was like a thermostat for the HVAC system of my inner being. I should stop bothering my local Maytag repairman.

125: Ernest is maybe a little bit better. I did write lotza silly things earlier today; coming soon to a non-theatre near you (MyPlace at MySpace)

124: If you have to keep repeatedly telling yourself "I'm not suicidal", then maybe you're wrong.

123: Ernest is better.

122: How many people out there are in favor of changing the name of this holiday from 'Thanksgiving' to 'Thankstaking'?

121: Ernest just wants to say SHAME ON THE US ARMY RECRUITERS FOR PREYING ON PEOPLE IN DESPAIR AND VIOLATING THE SPIRIT OF THEIR OWN DAMN TV COMMERCIALS (paid w our taxes)

120: I do not want my son in Iraq; I do not want any American sons or daughters to have to be in Iraq; If it was up to me, Iraqis wouldn't even have to live there.

119: Ernest is recovering from the effects of too much Hall's Mental Lift-us, taken too often, & too re-scent-ly

118: Is this you: You are in a paradox with a pair of Docs about what appears to be meant in a pair of documents about a pair of drugs you are starting and ending issue?

117: I have just created a new pollen index for allergy sufferers: I count the number of times my dog sneezes in the morning during his waking up period. Today: 3

116: Ernest noticed that you can't spell 'Palin' without some 'pain' and you can't spell 'McCain' by using 'gain'. Yes pain, no gain.

115: The world is really flat! (In several large and small man-made places. If you make a flat place large enough, would rain collect in the middle because the earth will think it is a low spot?)

114: I spy with my little right eye a sty in my swollen left eye and wonder why and how it hasn't left by now.

113: Soon I will be the wealthiest person on the planet. My grand inventive scheme is to create a nano-technological system that puts the lint from my dryer back into the original places it came out of my garments.

112: Ernest just noticed on a product ingredient list : 'sin perfume' and wonders what on earth that could be! (more importantly, why it needs to be on/in his toilet paper)

111: Ernest is in the process of writing a new goofy song "Migraines", to the tune of "My Girl", sung by Kermit the Frog, inspired by the rain outside and the pain inside.

110: For all the problems and tense moments that North and South Korea have experienced, it is surprising that West and East Korea are never in the news. Let us all learn an important lesson in life from them, The Happy & Silent West & East Koreans.

109: Ernest just wrote a neat near mirror sentence: "Do not forget to get four donuts"

108: Whats the largest thing in outerspace? I think its all the 'nothing' part all hooked together.

107: Ernest has a wife who wonders when his singing as Elmer Fudd will finally end. His latest hit song is "You Waise Me Up (So I Can Hunt Duh Wabbits)"

106: Don't bother me right this moment, I'm busy playing Paw-Ball & Peek-A-BOO!!! with you know who (the doggie if you didn't) Is it Saturday? No, its DOGGER-DAY!

105: Ernest wonders if the pural of 'manatee' is 'menatee' which causes a more dangerous thought: Do 'womenatee' exist? Ah, mermaids!

104: Ernest thinks that amid the national massive monetary meltdown that being independently wealthy might be a good thing, but I'll stick to being independently healthy.

103: So I am all excited about my new cell phone and its features, but Cooper The Dog just sees a bright screen and thinks, "that makes a dandy flashlight" but other than that he thinks its just eating into our quality time. Outside? Now? Play? Ball? Ernie?

102: I have created new lyrics for an old melody: "Happy Autumnal Equinox Day To You", only my version has 8 part harmony and a string section.

101: Ernest realized early this morning in the darkness that out of all the 'dipity' words, 'serendipity' just happens to be his favorite.

IRelANd Band

I designed a multipurpose green arm band. In one position it reads "IRAN" and when you move the slider it has "IRelANd" - both green, of course. It sure was convenient for the protesters of Iran to pick the St Patrick's Day color.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

 

DPRK is so close to DORK and DARK

DPRK
Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea
The North of Korea

D ) Not very Democratic, really autocratic
P ) Not very people oriented - really just a single person oriented oriental place
R ) Republic? Not much "public" about it. More like they have invented a whole new twisted form of privacy - "Reprivate" maybe?
K ) Korea? No, not really, only half of Korea, not the whole thing

North Korea - The Semidemireallyautocratic Person's Reprivate of The Top Half of The Korean Peninsula

DRPK: So Dork, So Dark

Lemonade Colored Carpet

My recent headline in Facebook and MySpace

Today's Life Lesson: Its a good thing carpet comes in a lemonade color.

Question From Person A: Do we want to know why carpeting should be lemonade colored?

My Response: Yes

Question From Person B: Because of man's best friend?

Question From Person C: But is it lemon-scented?

My Response:
It was simply an observation made
while drinking my glass of lemonade
that the color of my furry floor
matched to the cold beverage shade,
yet implications of accidents are made
when only an observation occured-nothing more.

Response from Person B: Mr. E. you never fail to make me feel better.

My Response:
... and the next time you come to B-Town you can swing by The Wife's place. She has lotza toys and will have even more soon (secret developments, hush hush) to make people feel & look better. Of course she doesn't use the medium of hilarity, well, not completely, there are other things...

My Mixed Mush

Some people prefer to use the brain's left side
and others the right of whats inside their frazzled head.
It seems I prefer to mesh and mix and mash my mush
to use the rhyme explain side with strained phrases instead.

Oh Know, Bono

From CNN:

Sonny and Cher's Child Transitioning from Female to Male

Chastity Bono, gay-rights activist and child of performer Cher and the late entertainer and politician Sonny Bono, is in the early stages of transitioning from a female to a male and will be known as Chaz, his spokesman said Thursday.

---end of partial article paste from CNN---

So, Chastity wants to chop off her "tity" part and turn the S around for a Z.

Hmmm

Later on in the article there was a quote from someone else who mentioned that most of the time there isn't surgery involved with someone wanting to change from one gender to the other. They just want to switch and start being known as a man or a woman.

WHAT?!?!? I'm sorry, you are defined by your genetics as to whether you are male or female. It is not a decision you get to make. You can ACT like you are something else, but again, it is just an act. Its not the real thing represented chemically at the molecular level deep down inside the real you.

Clarification: This article is not meant to be a statement for or against gay rights, transgendering, private activities between consenting adults, or other activities. There are enough people fighting those battles. Its about the very basic words 'know' and 'known' from a scientific perspective.

What makes it even harder for Chastity Bono is that she grew up in the spot light of television on her parents show as a girl. A Girl. A GIRL. Millions of people have known her as a female. She is now 40 years old. Her life is approximately half over. She will never really be known as a male. She will only ever be known as a woman who wants to be known as a man, which is not the same thing. AND every day for the rest of her life she herself will always know that she is a woman. And now she is asking the rest of us to think something else?

The basic word "know" means an understanding of acquired facts, hopefully something based in truth, experimental evidence, and or reality; a consensus.

You can do pretty much what you want to in life as far as your resources will permit and the laws of your society allow. But bear in mind that there are consequences for your actions. And living in a state of denial and unreality has been historically shown to be disastrous paths to take both for individuals as well as societies.

Chastity is asking us to know her as a man, a sort of Yentl for our mental, at the cross-dressing crossroads of her mid life crisis.

I plan to continue to 'no' her as a man.

Chastity: stick to being a woman - its really the better end of the deal of the human condition. By having practically all my closest friends and confidants be female, that's one of the main lessons I have learned in life as a male.

Facebook TooPointOh

Online chat between Ernest and His Niece M


Niece M - feels a little better :).




Uncle E -

My Comment at 10:02 AM

Period. Cry.

Oh, you weren't crying?

When you look at the "News Feed" section of Facebook carefully, I think it always puts a period on the end of your sentence even if you don't want one there. This caused the smiley face emoticon at the end of your sentence to appear as (see examples below reproduced inside the square brackets [ ] )

[ :) ]

which appears to be crying

[ :). ]

with a big tear the same exact size and shape of your right eye-ball! So this whole time I just thought, man, she sure cries alot! Out of one eye. She musta-hadda a bad mother who beat her all the time. She should go to the 'optimist' and get that thing fixed. And lets start a letter writing campaign to get Facebook to stop jacking around changing our emotions. Ironically, with a name like "FACE"-book, you would think or hope they would understand the importance of the properly intended FACIAL expression, whether real with photons from a photograph or tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols.

;)

My Comment at 10:09 AM

Oh, that last part is so much fun to try to say really fast and repeatedly:

tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols
tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols
tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols
tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols
tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols
tiny teeny sideways silly simple symbols

say that with a straight face

:|

And here is ANOTHER thing I just now noticed! "My spaces"

I tried to format those six lines with [by] putting some spaces at the very beginning right before the word "tiny" in a certain pattern to make it look all "pretty-fied" and the Facebook REinterpreted those spaces as a complete new line! At least "MySpace" now when to leave MY SPACES alone!

My Comment at 10:26 AM

Here is something else fun to do to cheer you up on a boring Saturday mourning morning and get out of this crying mode, just take the TTSSSS words from above and try to sing them solemnly to the music of "How Great Thou Art"

(I was just teasing about your mom (my sister) beating you all the time. I'm sure she only beat you when you were awake)

My Comment at 10:45 AM

Oh, I found a typo on the previous previous comment, that last line should have been:

At least "MySpace" knows when to leave MY SPACES alone!

"Now" I'm hoping that the big giant behind-the-scenes-computer with arti-'facial' intelligence at Facebook isn't changing my words around with semi-conductors e-thinking, looking up in HIS book: "Lets change his word 'knows' to 'now', after learning how to do REpuctualization last week."

At least he didn't change my 'knows' to 'nose'. Maybe the homonym-swapping software upgrade is perfected just yet.

Facebook TooPointOh


Niece M - lol i dont even know what to say. but i never know what to say to your posts! haha! oh..and she did beat me as a kid...all the time

;)

My Favorite Fake French Words & Frases

These are some of my favorite fake French words and phrases. I know I have several, but these are the only two that I can think of at the moment. I promise to add more as I remember them and create new ones.

"Lezgowheat" - translated from Fake French into English is "Lets Go Eat".

History: I would say this when we would get out of the car headed in to the restaurant, ah, my favorite French word. My younger son, who had taken (not sure about the words "struggled through") French in high school, would say, "Thats not real French!" - "Did I say it was?" - and try to pronounce it as 2 syllables. "lez+gwheat", but no pause, with a trailing almost inaudible plosive "T" exhale as the tip of your tongue pulls down and back from your nearly closed teeth.

Straw-bear-eee-jo-lie - translated FaFr->En, is "Strawberry Jelly". The accent pattern is "XoXoX" and sounds a little bit like the name 'Angelina Jolie'. The 1st, 3rd, and 5th syllables are slightly longer than the 2nd and 4th.

History: One day I was grocery shopping and I gave myself this noble quest: "Try pronouncing everything you buy with a Fake French accent and see which one is your favorite." Strawberry jelly (the wife's, not mine, never touch the stuff on my tongue) won by a far margin.


-----
Update: 2013.07.21 - Today's new word is a food item: Cheddar Peppers - The accent goes on the dar syllable. I give the first sound as "shay" instead of "ched". Try to say both words as one word, making a slight popping sound, including changing pep to pop and pers to pars

-----

Remember my main rule about spelling in authentic French: All French words are spelled wrong. There, now doesn't that lighten your load?

If Michael Jordan Was A Mouse

MJM

If Michael Jordan was a mouse,
and MJM lived in your house,
this is what you just might see,
what appears to be a white bright light of
very high intensity,
a doorway in the wall all aglow, I'm thinking
"how can this be?",
that suddenly appeared quite
unexpectedly!

(Remember this is just a piece of fiction,
and I don't expect a future expensive
restriction,
if my mansion goes up for auction,
and mouse haters arrive with false
expectations,
and they ask for complete X-rays of the
walls as part of the inspection.)

Emanating from inside my wall,
It sounds as noisy as a pool hall!?!?!
I didn't remember installing this at all,
And you would think that I would remember
something quite that tall,
for the mice in my past were typically not size thrice,
but just the normal size "one",
brown & round, and nice & small.

And I thought to myself, say, isn't that an
outside wall?
Well, sure enough there are things a tall
rich mouse will install.
I checked it out and its luxurious, several
mousey (size 3) floors tall!
He couldn't get the building permits to go
north horizon-tal,
So he settled for what he originally wanted
after all,
straight up inside, a build between the wall
studs filled, all verti-cal.

MJM looked over this piece to see if
anything was askew,
as neighborly gesture, I thought, as a
poetical editorial review,
and he felt my rhyming patterns were
okay, as far as he knew.
BUT found it highly unacceptable in section
number two,
as he said whatEVer made THIS thought
appear in you,
to think that you could sell MY megamouse
size condo here at house number 102?

And on MJM went to clarify that "man"-sion
isn't quite the descriptive word for what he
had in mind,
but rather, "mice"-sion or "mouse"-sion,
(words in a human dictionary you are likely
to not find),
and these now seem to me, in better sight
hind,
to signify the more important occupant(s),
those of a rodentia kind.





Poetry Link: to my next poem in the blog ...

It's 10:12 AM, Do You Know Where Your Coffee Is?

Several things delayed me getting my very first sip o' coffee this morning.



[[[->This list is in reverse chronological order, SO if you read it from the bottom upwards ^, .sing fus con less far is therefore and sense more far makes it<-]]]

Photograph TQBQT - "Turned Quasi-Burned Quattro Toast". (Can you tell I have been watching TOO much food lately?) I have devised a way to cook four pieces of toast instead of just two in my toaster. I put two pieces of toast in each slot and a few times throughout the cooking process (no exact number or times just yet) I reverse the two ZAP pieces of toast in ZAP each slot so that ZAP what was on the ZAP inside goes out to ZAP the outside and then ZAP receives an even amount ZAP of thermal radiation. SPRING-BING-DONE. Oh, SAFETY!!! I forgot to mention that I rotate the toast at a 45 degree so that a corner sticks out the top so that one corner remains cool and undercooked during the whole process, and doesn't damage my fingers which are needed for performing the Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D Major. And I noticed that it puts lovely marks on the toast at a 45 degree angle. Rotatoasterie!!! He, he, I just invented a new word, boys and girls, aren't you so proud of me?

Begged and pleaded with my wife to let me include the "Sumo" paragraph, and she FINALLY relented after going through an editing process where she got to pick and choose, so if children happen to read this; R->G.


SUMO: Helped my wife put a protective broad white band around her middle portion to provide post-abdominal operation support, only she looked like a sumo wrestler when we got finished. Then after she sat down I had to go through the motions of a S. Wrestler in the ring, sparring with an invisible partner, throwing the salt around, hands on my knees, complete with a "sumimasen" (excuse me) and a "domo arigato" (thank you very much) and some other Japanese I don't remember now because there was just too too much laughter interspersed.



Socked my wife. Socked my dog. Those are two completely different things and involve only a smattering of violent behavior, mostly from the dog. I helped my wife put on her socks, and just as soon as Cooper saw me fixing to do this, he saunters over and kinda stands there "playing dumb", ready to play one of our favorite games. Quick as a bunny, I take a sock (always clean, of course!) and cover up his eyes and try to hold it in place for 8 seconds (rodeo connection to mychildhood?) while he growls and tries to get away and bite the sock portion that covered his eyes, and I'm trying to make the same exact growling noises only louder than him. Of course, he naturally comes back for more....



The last thing I was doing as the machine Café do Senhor was making the last of his "hot water is still passing over the ground coffee" noises, was trying to find my coffee cup insulator because the house keep/rearranger had been there the day before.



Talking Korean Cow. In Korean with English subtitles. I know, I was as surprised as you. I was walking across the living room when suddenly I saw the last half of a TV commercial with a talking cow. Now I have seen plenty of talking cow commercials, but I am linguistically stopped in my tracks. The cow is talking in Korean with English subtitles. The cow lives in Korea (South probably) and would like to come to California where happy cows live and she would like for the viewers to vote for her in a contest at somethingsomething.com so she can come to America. So I asked my wife if she was watching something recorded from the DVR, and she said no, so I had to take the extra time to rewind the live broadcast to record that little segment. And watch the Kohler toilet commercial right before the Korean Cow where these spies are trying to find a place to hide something, but are foiled by the design of the toilet, extremely modern toilet. The spies were speaking in FRENCH with English words at the bottom of the screen! So I have transcribed the dialogue for you:



[Cancel Korean transcribing]



I helped my wife with her meds. She has gone from sharp pain to soreness, so that's a good sign.



I started working on a title for a blog in MySpace. I came up with:

"Up, Up and Away, By Trebuchet, My Trebuchet"

I am sure you can figure out what the musical tune that goes with those words without me telling you otherwise it would just, please, delay my 2nd cup of coffee.



Sidetracked imagining a conversation of mine 47 years from now in the old folks home at 106 (106 ? No, not my age, my street address if I buy the house to the south of me thereby allowing my average street address to go back to the original 104 [(106+104+102) / 3] where I am talking about my aunt from South Dakota making a fabulous meal for me once in May 2007 "Yes, she was a very pheasant person, and asparagus, too". I suddenly had these images and sounds of a geriatric Dustin Hoffman in the movie "Little Big Man", a 1970 movie which I never really saw, only a snippet of video probably during my cinematographic studies of 2007.



A musical moment with the dog. After I got out of bed I spent some quality time with Cooper performing this mainly instrumental (did he really mean heavy 'meNtal' music???) piece where I use my dog as a percussion instrument and mix in some sounds, usually going for a vocal combo of Louis Armstrong, Ray Charles, and Jimmy Durante with a touch of gangsta rap/hip hop/boy band/Moron Tableknuckle Choir. Every once in a while I stop with my hands frozen in mid-air and question the dog, "whats the next line? [pause] Oh yeah" and continue....he just loves it!



Decided to try performing and filming a "Thumb Sync/Finger Sync" version of my hands performing Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D Major, one of my favorite pieces of music. See next paragraph for more explanation or previous paragraph depending on whether you followed my advice to read this note/blog backwards. Of course, I meant backwards one paragraph at a time, so if you made it this far and you were doing it one word at a time, I am sorry for giving you a dyslexic-illogically induced headache.



I remembered a piece I wrote just before I went to sleep where I demonstrated how difficult it is to keep one thumb perfectly still, while moving all the fingers and other thumb very fast, and then stop and switch stationary thumbs, and resume. [9 - 1], then [1 - 9], thumbs out to the side. There. See? That's difficult. (Just for Brandon: 'Those aren't spirit fingers; THESE are spirit fingers')



I woke up

Ernest In Exile: Excuse Me, I'm Just Having An Aleksandr Isaevich Solzhenitsyn Moment

I don't really know for sure what my true legal status is just yet, whether I'm 'fired', 'retired' or 'rehired', so let's just go with my new combo word of 'refthired', knowing in the near future some of those middle letters 'f-t-h' will be silenced/removed. I am sure there must have been at least one person who was 'ired' in order to get me 'fired'.

I woke up today in the middle of writing multiple pieces. My finger tips have been busy for the past 97 hours, banging away at a keyboard. I have a sitcom idea started based on the previous 3 decades of my life, letters to lots of people, several versions of the same letter to one particular person.

But for now I have to get back to the more important things in life, coffee, bacon, and biscuits. Man does not live by bread alone; there must be jelly, really good jelly.

..more.. later.. gotta .. go .....for ......now .......

REsume at 12:01 PM Central Time

I wrote about Iceland over in Facebook this morning, explaining the mysteries of the universe, a little, actually very little, and never got around to applying my answer to my high school chum's question about Hollow Earth, how protons, neutrons and electrons actually make up a very tiny fraction of the volume of an atom, so the earth because of its atoms, is actually very very hollow.

I plan to study the city of Baltimore today after a brief glance at the article in wikipedia and then go wandering around Baltimore later in the day using Google Earth.

I am going to see what hyperbolic functions are good for on my scientific calculator.

I am going to be at peace now that one of my favorite possessions of the entire earth has been returned to me safe and sound by a dear friend. My favorite screwdriver Stubby Jr., a Klein Model 603-1 IN 2 PT. On May XXth of the year XX-0V (thats my own way of doing Rowman Bi-nary-numberalls, not to be confused with Roman numerals or binary numbers, that I just now created while typing this sentence), for my XXVth anniversary of my employment, I decided to buy myself a new screwdriver with my very own money to replace the ailing missing tooth Stubby Sr. (and safely retire him and tuck away for safekeeping until I, too, could retire in the year XX-XIII) so that someday I could have a wonderful shadow box filled with a few trinkets of my 33 year and 11 day employment:

a)My two favorite screw drivers Stubby Sr, and Stubby Jr
b)A handful of various microprocessors
c)A syringe from an autoinjector of Gas Chromatographic Mass Spectrometer.

<<Sigh>>, I guess I'll never get my shadowbox.

.... more later today ......

Here is part of a poem I am writing about a friend's coastal house in southern Texas. Shortly after she got the property we looked and it was just a piece of unoccupied "dirt" on local live, a 'not quite as high as a satellite' view, but the other day when she mentioned that her business address had changed, I just happened to take a look to see if her new house was updated yet, and the answer was: almost. The static photo work of local live had captured the process of the condos in their almost finished state. The swimming pool wasn't finished yet, there was a giant trash lugger commonly used by construction companies, there were no vehicles around - there was plenty of day light - but nobody was home. I told her that I had found a picture of her house right before it was brand new.

Home, Home On The Beach

Before your house was new
It was being still being built for you.
There were folks a scrapin',
some of them a diggin', others call it landscapin'
Then somebody said, "you know what would be really really cool?
An in the ground, to be seen from ALL around, concrete swimmin' pool !!"
"You mean one just like Ellie Mae
of the Clampett's fame from out by Califor-ni-a?"
So they dug up all the dirt and had it hauled away,
and said there's a bedder place that you outta be
and so loaded up the rocks and they dumped 'em in the sea,
Gulf, that is, of Mexico.
Well the next thing know the price tag's just for billionaires,
And who could really afford to be a livin' over there?
So they chopped the giant home into pastel colored pieces,
with low innertrust or 30 year subleases,
condo's, that is, swimmin' pool, movie stars

She really has movie stars there??? No, I am just having trouble writing that last line and it is 2:11 AM and I am ready to quit for the day with DAY meaning yesterday, not the realy day which at this moment feels more like a tomorrow. Eyes getting heavy trying to explain some period of time when I am awake when at this very moment I want to be alseep or lasepe or lapees or asleep, there, I knew I would get it wrote right eventually. Well, to reanswer your question, it really matter sexactly what your definition of a 'movie star' is, for instance .......

Got Socks?

Now that I am retired, although it felt alot like getting fired, and I am not sure about ever being rehired, I have started doing a few new things, thinking about fewer new startling things and been thinking about starting to do a few new things, things that involve fire. (Cooking?)

I have started working on learning the Gettysburg Addresses. I am about half way finished. Since the populations are 558 + 7,490 + 1,352 = 9,400, I know exactly where approximately 4,700 "GbA" people live in 3 different states, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and South Dakota, the ones that have got a burg named a Gettysburg.

I wrote a rough draft for this piece of humor while in the drive up window at the bank a few hours ago. (Actually I just wrote the third line which most of you may happen to recognize the first two lines but because my one MONSTER-o third line is bigger than the first two put together, I can probably legally say its all mine.)

GoSo?

I was sad because I had no shoes.
Then I met a man who had no feet.
Then I was no longer sad. Because I asked him, "say, buddy, you look exactly the same height as me from the ankles up, so I was wondering, before you lost your feet, what size were they? Were they anywhere close to my 11 1/2, 4E Wide and so I was wondering if you happen to have any brand new shoes just laying around you are no longer using from your old longer days, oh yeah, and socks, Got Socks?"

(Did you notice how I chopped the end of the words off in the title?)

So now there will be a plethora of sock advertisers stealing MY new GoSo slogan with super athletes wearing white socks to match their white milk mustache.

The Answer To This Question is Either '4' or 'Space'

Question: what is the difference between 1 1/2 and 11/2 ?

11/2 = 5 1/2
Then 5 1/2 - 1 1/2 = 4

But also, take "1 1/2", eliminate the space character between the two 1's and POOF! you have "11/2". SO space is alSO the answer.

Its a slow cold night here in Texas. The dog and wife are already asleep. Whats a guy to do, except sit around and make jokes and riddles and puzzles about fractions? I know, I know, you're sitting there reading this wondering, is there enough oxygen in the air that boy is breathing right now???? Did they seal his house up a lil toooo tight?

In all seriousness, after the events of this recent weak week. for those people out there who are concerned about me and love me, we are doing fine, & the wife made it back home, safe and almost sound. Thanks for all the calls, texts and e-mails. We love you. Well, most of you, some of y'all we just tolerate! The "Toleratians" generally know who they are.

A Recent Interview of Mine

So, you had your purple glasses on while you watched the crippled musical serial killer movie???

Yes, I viewed the invalid violent violinist violate in violet on video on my Vizio tV

Who starred in this movie?

It was a remake of G.I.Jane only with Jane Fonda on a Honda with a Panda suffering from a pandemic sickness as eucalyptus (I can’t believe I spell that word right without looking it up) trees died of a non-diagnosable dendrite disease. That’s what he gets for trying to eat ukaliptuss, (now, how did I suddenly forget how to spell that word?) instead of bamboo.

Hold it, are we talking about the same movie?

No

Where did the movie take place?

In the south of France

The movie was shot in France?

No, I thought you asked me where the place was that I took the movie, where I stole it from, the answer to that question was ‘In the south of France” at some Bloque du Buster, where I go to steal movies. Its just like that sign on the back of school buses and tanker trucks filled with petroleum products “This Vehicle Stops At All Railroad Crossings” And it makes me ask the question that is on everyone’s mind right about now, do they mean every railroad crossing in North America or the entire world??? Cause that would take a very long time for each and every bus and tanker truck to go around and stop at each and every railroad crossing in just the SUSAN (Southern United States of America North), like from Texas to Florida in order to make the claim that they had stopped at EVERY single railroad crossing in the entire NorthAmerica. There must be at least maybe, I don't know for sure, 400 railroad crossings in NorthAmerica. And would that mean that they had gone BOTH directions at each crossing, hmmmm? I asked my 4^th favorite Stewart this question at work the other day and he said that on weekends and holidays and the evenings the school buses would be available to go around and find all the railroad crossings and stop at them. This was the piece of the puzzle that finally brought it to fruition and settled it in my mind once and for all. Thanks, 4^TH Fav Stew.

(He keeps gradually getting a bigger N^th number as I keep remembering about my relatives who have the same name that I like better than him and on most days (the ones I am at work) he is close to the bottom of the list of favorite Stewarts anyway, but don’t tell him that. Oh-kay, you can; he would be amused.)

Ernest - The Other White Meat

I have decided to change my life completely and spend all my time devoted to one thing, just a single solitary thing - making travel safer for people who look like me when journeying through the wilds of Papau-New Guinea. I have been told that the place is just chock full of cannibals. But don't worry about me, as always, I have a plan, and I am going to take care of this terrible problem.

Plan: I am going to take a huge dose of poison with me, and if Iam captured by head hunting cannibals, and they are fixing to "HAVE" me over for dinner, as in over a bed of coals, Rotisserie-Ernie with BBQ sauce, I will consume the secret stash of poison, then when they consume me, I will wipe out several cannibals. Then the word will spread far and wide to avoid eating anyone who looks like me. So slightly overweight, white NorthAmerican males with brown hair and glasses will be safe, and other white people will have an increased amount of safety.

(Of course, that might mean an increased risk to NELPs (Non-Ernest-Looking People), so that might lead to a sudden increase in the demand for plastic surgery for people traveling to P-NG to look more Ernestesque. Doctors, get ready for an increased work load, thanks to me. You're welcome. For a slight fee, $4000, I can provide you with photos of what I have looked like at various stages of my life, including that time I dressed up in drag for that "beauty contest" where the girls played football in high school and three of us guys - well, lets just say I won the contest and keep it at that. Special thanks to a dear friend named Palma who applied my makeup and provided the clothes, turning me into a winner!)

A Marital Pre-Blessing

When you have been married as long as we have been, somethings are automatic and somethings happen (ab)normally around our home in a semi-automatic mode. I will explain one in a very brief story that probably lasted less than 5 seconds. It probably happened faster than you can read it.

I am in the dining room area standing and my son passes between me and my wife who is on the other side of the bar that divides the kitchen and dining room. Just as my son passes between us, I say, "Bless you"

Puzzled, he immediately turns around and says, "Why did you say that???!!???" - thinking that I am talking to him.

I didn't answer him. I let my wife do it.

I just waited a few hundred more milliseconds and my wife completed her sneeze.

Salmon:1 Bears: A Bazillion

I was having a conversation with one of my children just now about a movie. He was telling me some of the scenes and dialogue from the movie "Strange Wilderness". Caution: I have not seen this movie so this is not a recommendation for or against it.

He mentioned a line from the movie:

"It is estimated that bears kill over two million salmon a year. Attacks by salmon on bears are much more rare."

My son mentioned that salmon have never attacked bears.

I responded that that is probably not true.

He adamantly defended his position that salmon have never attacked a bear.

I responded with, "I am sure that in the entire history of the earth at least one time a dead bear has wound up in a river and salmon have come along and ate it"

His response: silence - grin - more silence - "d_mn, I think you got me on that one"

Ironing The Ceiling

I decided to remodel the bedroom ceiling.

A thin sheet of iron was bolted to the ceiling and then painted sky blue. I gathered several photos of myself & family and then printed them in black and white. The pictures were then mounted on individual pieces of plywood with the edges painted white. Magnets were then attached to the photo-boards to hold them onto the ceiling. Experiments were performed so that just the right size magnet per unit size/weight of photo-board were used so that the photos could be easily moved with a long photo adjuster (old pool cue).

Now I can easily arrange photos of myself to look like clouds. This leads to sentences such as "look, honey, you look just like a cumulonimbus", or, "look at that cloud made from pictures of our 25th anniversary party, it has a silver lining"


Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog