Why I Moved To Oklahoma Today … Suddenly

Episode 1 

(Rough Draft - I have to take the trash out right now then I'll be back later to fix typo's)

2010.02.01 18:30 Monday

I was shopping at Wal-Mart today for dog rawhide bones, flea & tick collar, Diet Caffeine Free Coke and crackers, Nabisco's 'Wheat Thins Toasted Chips' - the 'Garden Valley Veggie' variety. Just 4 items. So I started the process of ringing up my items through the self checkout station.

Just as I scanned the 4th item, a message popped up on the screen: “Ernie, is that you?” - I thought that was odd, I hadn't even swiped my credit card through the reader yet, I thought, well, maybe Wal-Mart had started a system that did facial recognition matched to the laser retinal scanner matched to the previous purchases in order to speed up shopping and then do an automatic account withdrawal.

But banking wasn't what was happening.

Without thinking I pressed the “Yes” button but without realizing that it wasn't printed in English, but my native language.

Too late! Suddenly the ceiling tiles above me blasted away followed by Federal Agents and Army Rangers descending down ropes blasting me with automatic weapon fire. I took a bullet to my upper right chest and green liquid shot out of my chest hitting a young girl smack dab in the middle of her nose and she burst into flames. She screamed and fainted into her mothers arms right behind her. I reached over to help put out the flames but the mother clubbed me with her purse. I took my laser side arm weapon and sliced the Ranger at 2 o'clock in half.  His lower body half fell to the floor with a crash wiping out a customer. His machine gun began to spray bullets all different directions and my mind took control over his severed arm and I was able to take out the second Federal Agent with the first Ranger's weapon while simultaneously performing laser “surgery” on the 3rd and 4th agents. Suddenly there was no gun fire but a stampede of humans amid the smoke and carnage but then a sudden roar of vehicles approaching outside the store.

Suddenly the entire ceiling and roof opened above me with a deafening roar although surprisingly nothing dropped this time as a negative pressure sucked the room air out the top of the building and all the flying debris was going up but not straight up as a strange looking helicopter was descending at an incredible rate. But even faster coming at me was a human shape, on a rope, a girl (?!?!!?) - and screaming commands at me. Even though I was almost ready to faint, probably due to a lack of green goo due to the high velocity lead leakage, I could hear my name and it was my sister Susie! I didn't even know Susie was a space alien! “Grab my hand!” she yelled as one of her left hands extended several feet below her accelerating even faster than her and even faster than the copter which by now had leveled out its approach and had begun to take fire from the ground forces. But within about two seconds time it would take for its weapons system to lock on, the ground forces would, simply, “be no mo' below”. And as I predicted there was intense heat and light and momentary screams from the parking lot and then nothing much except my sole focus to extend one of my right hands and up up up it went, oooh, that's cool, I had been under cover so long I had forgot all about my stretchy limbs. We aren't allowed to display or use our stretchy limbs except in extreme situations. I was pretty sure we were in one right then.

Grasp, clasp, gasp. Susie locked and latched onto me and yanked me off the ground and I sped upwards through the remains of the Wal-Mart mess. Just as I got to Susie I almost passed out again and she reached with one of her right hands to touch my bullet wound. The leak suddenly stopped and I felt surprisingly better. I wasn't equipped with the seal slash repair mechanism in my right index finger of arm number four like Susie; she was a rarity among our kind. And a pretty good pilot I would find out in the coming days. I wondered who was piloting the craft above, but she read my thoughts and told me, “Silly, who do you think is running this show? It's just me doing everything! Never mind that I am still knitting a sweater back at the office by remote mind control” She really impresses me.

She hoisted us upward as the craft began to take on a bit of invisibility to the local radar just as the F-22's were only about 15 miles out and closing fast, but they were too late. I was headed to a safer spot in Oklahoma where I would blend in just fine.