Some of My Headlines

Here are some recent Facebook, MySpace, & Twitter Headlines. I will enumerate them at a future date.

Date Range: Oct 29^th 2010 to Apr 14^th 2011

Items are reverse order by time, newer entries float to the top

I suddenly realized that I had been using my iPad after charging it in my truck earlier in the day from a completely ran down state, so the glow of my iPad was completely from diesel. I thought I detected a very slight rumble.

‎"We're team coughers!!!"
(that was the Wifey, not me)
(yes, I put !!! because she giggled right after saying that)

My response to someone's chicken soft taco meets laptop disaster: Don't you just hate it when you let the batteries run down in your anti-gravity directional force fields? Its so much fun especially to watch flies in mid-air run into apparent nothingness and then have the sound turned up as well. It sounds like a mix of "Boing!" from running into a plate glass window and insects cussing.

I am standing on the bottom step outside my backdoor practicing. What & Why? I'm practicing being 6 ft 1 in just in case I get a sudden growth spurt and I want my dog to become used to me being this tall. He is having a very hard time adjusting to the gentle giant that Ernest has temporarily become. He is being vocal about the situation as well.

Its 4;15 AM and i'M waiting for The Decorating Committee to show up,,,,where ARE they?!?!? (yaWn)(blinX eYeZ) ... zzzZzzzZzzz ...not

I'm pretty sure my dog doesn't completely understand English because he doesn't vehemently object when I say things like, "Ah, whadtz dah matta, kitty gotta fur ball?" in my *best* Tweety Bird voice.

I noticed that the last ingredient in my favorite candy is "Sulfur Dioxide" - a poisonous gas - with its listed purpose "to maintain freshness". That isn't exactly what we used it for at my last place of employment in railroad car sized quantities.

Now that I think I am finally over this cold junk, I can get back to my regular job doing the voice-over role of Ernest S B Boston in the romantic-sit-com The Bostons stage production of gigantic marionettes. No wonder I always feel strung out.

Rich: I just saw an ad for training from a university that said "... from anaccredited university ..."

I saw that our local grocery store is selling foxglove plants. I thought they were dangerous.

It's not really plumbing if you don't accomplish your goal, you're just getting Dirty, Wet, and Irritated. Today is leaning DWI-ishly.

There is financial software called 'Quicken' to help you do your bookwork, but I think the Federal Government must have bought the wrong brand, perhaps they got "Slowin", "Thicken", "Chicken" and "Quacken", version 1.0

Today's new word 'threecast' - I thanked someone for letting me know that it was raining. "Thanks for the weather threecast." (The forecast is what the weather is going to do, the one right before it, hence 3, is what the weather is doing right now)

This is what I seem to be getting from coughing: rock hard abs, buried under a protective layer of compost soft flabs.

Rule #1: Don't DROP the woman!!! (Kirstie Allen reference)

‎"My chest hurts from coughing" "Like it's pneumonia?" "No, muscle pain from coughing, more like moan-yah and nothing feels new"

I just saw a llama-bunny on teleBision! And I always thought they were more rare than unicorns.

Charlie Sheen is everywhere, he even showed up when I googled "husky german shepherd mix" for images.

Someone was talking to me about my Vibram shoes, but they told me they wouldn't want to look like a hippie. A "HIPPIE" ?!?!? Did someone just call me a hippie?

Ernest hurt, Ernest ache, Ernest even kinda bake. (Starbucks should emphasize the ther-M-apeutic value of a warm coffee cup on the side of your head. Of course, I don't wreck-amend this while driving)

I saw that my former employer had a contest to win "Free Gasoline for Life", and I thought, "that would be the last thing I would want to win, give them another reason to have me bumped off"

I am trying to decide which is the more difficult process: learning the Norwegian language OR learning about the Norwegian languages.

Q: Do two Starburst count as breakfast? There was fruit involved, one was strawberry banana, and the other was royal berry punch. Oh, there was/is a cup of black coffee as well.

I had so much fun today (yester-d) playing and hugging someone tiny and two, a peek-a-boo and smile giggle girl time as one of us discovered a whole drawer full of balloons and color just waiting to be raided and traded.

What is the annual cost of college? At Frank Phillips College in Borger TX it's fifty cents a year. The college has been in busy-ness for a sum of 60 some years and you can buy a history of the place for the sum of $30. Call someone at (806) 457-4200, ext 715, covering years 1948 to 2008.

Dear Bronx Zoo: I hate it when I misplace my cobras, too. Try this phrase, it usually works for me: "here Snakey, Snakey, Snakey, ... "

Oh, I just now remembered I had a boa constrictor while in college. I no longer like snakes as pets.

Today's Dumb Pun (inspired by the National Geographic I just saw): the time you spend in the mouth of volcanos being burned by steam is called the "scald eras in the calderas"

If my dog ever opens up his own business for trimming nails, I would advise against using him. Every once in awhile while he is teeth-manicuring his own nails you will hear a painful yelp. At least he seems to have finally stopped chasing his tail and biting it, again, there was always this "surprised pain sound", followed by laughter, ours.

Hello? Hello?

I guess I have a very error-ratic connection to the Internet tonight.

T: "They are having a 'conundrum' on this TV show"
E: "Try not to get any conundrum crumbs on you"
T: "Okay, no 'co-nun-dies' !"

Cooper was extremely happy this morning, his friend Sandy came by to play.

I just heard a TV news person talking about college education, and they mentioned "FAFSA". I realized a long time ago that people rarely ever pronounce this "word" correctly, you hear "fas-fa" like she just did. There are just some sound-order combinations that humans just seem to reject. A word of warning to anyone thinking about naming your newborn "Phaphsah".

I just had a fun & funny dream where I was hopping down a stone stairway with a friend from a long time ago (Kathryn). As we landed on each step we would say "ding!" and when we would get to the bottom we would say "plop!" and laugh, and then move onto the next stairway, it was near a beach. In real life when I would travel places I would collect interesting rocks for her.

If you were expecting a tuba song-video from me and looked on YouTube and couldn't find it, it's because you looked in the wrong spot, you shoulda been lookin' in YouTuba.

YouTuba really does exist in the form of Hari-Julian-Chris-Chris.

But I didn't know B until after I had already wrote A.

I feel sad and "week" at the moment. I found out today I have to wait another week before tomato plants arrive at the greenhouse.

A volcano with four owners?!?!? There is a volcano on the border of North Korea and the Peoples Republic of China. Those two countries have had several disputes over the volcano boundaries. Besides these two, Taiwan and South Korea also claim ownership, and they, of course, aren't very close to the Baekdu Mountain.

I guess if they ever make a movie about this they can call it "Foe Versus The Volcano"

I am leery of objects that require two separate buttons or switches to perform a start function. This puts my iPad in the same category as launching an intercontinental ballistic nuclear missile.

What is very amusingly slightly irritating about the iPad is the second switch. It is a virtual sliding switch that is only sensitive to your touch, so it has to be moved by your finger. It has to "slide" left to right about two inches. But sometimes if you push too fast and slide it all the way to the right and it "bounces" off the "wall", the computer doesn't register the event, so you have to try again! HOLD it, there is no magic here, part of the system drew the sliding piece as it CHANGED positions several times, so part of the system KNEW it reached the very right side of the box, but then it bounced off the side and traveled back to the left. Thank you, Apple Inc.

Three Mile Island didn't seem to shut down nuclear power. Chernobyl? Iran? North Korea? and now Japan? How many lessons do they need? I am liking our wind farms more every day. Maybe they will slow down the earth's rotation just enough to make up for the speed up caused by the earthquakes.

I bet the Moontians are not saying, "wow, the Xdfrpk looks really big in the sky tonight" - mainly because there is no day/night cycle on the Moon, and 'Xdfrpk' isn't their name for the Earth, 'Hzvrkm' is.

Realizations

• From my wife: "I just now realized the Huskies are playing the Bulldogs"
  
• Puppies on TV - NCAA basketball
  
• I think: "I just realized my wife is watching basketball - that's different"
  
• Cooper thinks: "I just realized I need to go tell Ernie that I need a dog biscuit"
  

My wife is so kind and silly. I was helping her and bumped my leg into the counter (but it didn't really hurt) then she laughed and said, "when you hurt yourself I said 'ouch' for you!"

Yesterday at the mailing center I was reminded of one of my closest friends from long ago by a piece of candy. When she was pregnant I would give her one of her favorite candies, I was her "Krackel Dealer".

Spring, sPring, spRing, sprAAing-ing-ing-ing (I just now realized that the word 'spring' - the mechanical device - is an onomatopoeia: a word created from a sound)

‎'Prepaid Legal' is a way of securing and paying for legal services ahead of time. I just heard a teleBision commercial for a bail bond service offering people their services ahead of time as well, so would this be called 'Prepaid Illegal'?

The Score: Ernest 1, Scorpion 0

In my kitchen I tried capturing a scorpion in the first available (closest) container with a lid: empty honey roasted cashews. But apparently scorpions, or at least this particular scorpion, must not like the flavor of HRC, because it kept trying to avoid going into the container. I finally succeeded but only after frightening my dog Cooper who tried climbing up into the armchair already occupied by my wife with a broken arm. He finally quit trying after I told him to get down.

So the scorpion will have an untasty dark trip to the refuse facilities. Hopefully no one there is on a quest to recycle old HRC containers, or they may be in for a surprise, HRCSS - Honey Roasted Cashew Scented Scorpion.

I just heard a teleBision ad for a contest: "Win A Donut for Life" - that actually sounds quite deadly to me.

My wife with the broken arm just came into the living room laughing just now because she had been in bed talking to what she thought was "me", asking "me" for assistance with a difficult task when she suddenly realized by "my" silence and lack of a verbal response that it was really the dog, another clue being that Cooper and I jump off the bed in a completely different manner: he does and I don't.

Yesterday's Buzz: A very loud, slow, tiny motorcycle went by outside, a noise that was a mixture of a swarm of bees, a chainsaw, and complaining, utilizing a Doppler Effect. Surprisingly Cooper didn't even get up in the window to check it out or bark at it, so maybe it isn't that uncommon for the neighborhood, just me.

While groc shopping today I discovered that the CSC (Chocolate Syrup Cartel) is taking over the world. Chocolate syrup is available on three separate aisles in liquid form, and several others as a product ingredient. I have photos! ‎"Cartel" ... (he he) ... I just now thought about how much crude oil and chocolate syrup resemble each other visually and viscously. I'm just glad that Libya isn't a major supplier of cocoa beans, just a few cuckoo beings.

One of my friends wrote "Can't is the cancer of happen" I responded: That's like when a very polite person tells you, "you can't, sir" (I must have hit the wrong key while typing, my 'polite' auto-corrected to 'piloted')

Spent part of the evening inventing a new "dance" based on the growth pattern of pineapple leaves with two young teenage girls - we *laughed* a bunch - "I -AM- The Ananas", "No, I'm The Ananas!" (pronunciation guide: ah-nah-nos, try to avoid accenting any syllables) A 2nd dance version involved imitating a pineapple fruit growing.

As an organic chemist with a headache one of the interesting things you can do is take a medicine for the pain while you visualize it's three dimensional molecular structure in the same pained brain.

Dear Ann Landers: For efficiency sake is it okay to focus initially on cleaning the inside of the inside bowl of two bowls that are stuck together or should I be going for the interface between them first? (Old ice cream makes a dandy glue)

If you were schizophrenic, organized, and had seven distinct personalities that were cooperative you might be able to successfully pull off a 'Live One Week At A Time', but again, it would have to be a team effort. Remember, there's no "I" in "team", but there is a "we" on the end if you rotate the page 180 degrees (am<->we)

Question for my dog just now after he was growling at something outside: "what's the matter, are you irritated this morning at North Korea, too?"

A night of uncommon heavily dialogued vivid wild strange long single site loosely connected dream(s) - I wonder if it was caused by the fried chicken, stir fry veggies and mashed potatoes supper, also a rarity?

The NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory determined that the February 2010 Chile earthquake shortened the length of the earth’s day by 1.26 microseconds by slightly redistributing the earth’s mass. I felt that something was wrong in The Force, and all this time I mistakenly thought it was Darth V, so sorry for blaming you, Big Guy.

With 1.26 microseconds difference for this one particular seismic event, it won't effect the sequence for adding a Leap Day for quite a while. You would need to see the impact of all the seismic events, both positive and negative, on the earth's rotation, to determine approximately how long it will take before an adjustment for Leap Day would occur just from a whole lotta shakin' goin' on.

I think it is interesting that NATO is starting to get involved in the Libyan civil war and unrest. The last time I checked the A in NATO stood for Atlantic and the N is North. Checking my map I don't see that Libya even comes close to touching that body of water, but rather the South of the Mediterranean.

I will start my Spring Cleaning just as soon as I am finished with my Winter Dirtying.

I do The Semi-Annual Daylight Saving Time Hour Adjustment slightly different than most people for the clock on my nightstand. I never change it. I just always remember which part of the year I'm in, whether the clock is correct or off by an hour.

When I got in my vehicle after the time change on Sunday I noticed that it's clock is set to the old time, so now I have my two clocks "improperly" sin-chronized, one of them will always be incorrect and the other one will be correct for part of the year, and they will just take turns being wrong.

I am either dying or getting in shape. My body is screaming out "you're killing me!" but when I look in the mirror and see that I had to take my belt to the tightest position, I'm thinking, hmm, getting in shape! I asked my wife, 

"Do you know how long it's been since I had my belt this tight? nEVER!"

"Do you know how long I've had this particular belt? forEVER!"

I was just chased by a coconut for an extremely short distance for the first time in my life. If it was considered a competition I think I would be considered the winner because one of us is leaking, and it's not me. One of my friends told me, "You are ugly enough to make a coconut wet its pants." I thanked him deeply, telling him that he made me laugh really hard. Actually the coconut did the "splits" - it collided with the floor and it's integrity was no more and therefore it began to pour.

Do you have days where it seems your life is playing out like the movie 'Fargo' only you aren't exactly for sure which character you are and the scenes aren't taking place in the correct order? - (No?) - ((this never happens to me either))

If you decide to Kiss in the dark, and by kiss with an uppercase K meaning consume a Hershey's Milk Chocolate candy Kiss, it's best to avoid getting their annoying internal wax paper-like strip in your mouth.

Sometimes in the life when there are conflicts and one of the adversaries has a stated goal of "being the nicest person in the universe" it leads inevitably to interesting and entertaining situations.

Just so you will know the level and depth of my sense of humor, I just now applied for a job at the company that fired me a couple years ago. And the position? The job of the person, my former boss, who fired me.

A short while later I realized that if I had that particular management job then I could also hire myself back at my old job and simultaneously draw two paychecks. Of course the chances of this happening are astronomically small, I would think a LOT of people would have to leave the company before I would be rehired.

I shared my medical advice with a friend for dealing with anxiety: Hug one dog, then hug the other. Repeat as necessary. Be sure to talk to the dog while hugging. Don't squeeze too tight!

Q: You've written a hit musical! How will you avoid having fame go to your head? A: I will get a pair of fame magnetic shoes that will cause any fame feelings to migrate towards my feet. Then as an extra precaution I will get a fame magnetic belt so that when I take my FaMa shoes off I will still have some protection from any fame migrating to my brain.

Stupid Correlation: ABC Action News researched the number of pain clinics operating in the state, and found that Florida currently has more pain clinics than McDonald’s or Burger King restaurants.

The number of pain clinics logically has n^ot_hiⁿg to do with the number of stores of a certain restaurant chain. They could have easily picked any other statistic such as "Cats per Square Mile", "Alligator Birthrate Decline" or "Number of Idiot News Writers at ABC"

Link to news story

"Do you know where 'there' starts?" "No" "At the end of 'here'" "Did you know you can always get here from there?" "No" "Just drop the 't' => t-here"

Sunday Storm Funny: After my wife spent just a few minutes walking across the parking lot during the dust-smoke waterless hurry-cane storm she said, "my teeth feel like they have dirt on them" This prompted me to hold up my hand with an imaginary Orbit gum package and imitate their "Dirty Mouth" commercial. Today is NOT Sunday, it's Windsneezeday. It's a good day to be driving something very heavy. Things got much better after I turned on the 'Recirculation Air' button. But then when we started again I discovered that every time the engine gets turned off the setting gets reset to 'Off'. Before that we were sneezing like crazy! So it's also Dirtsday and Windsneezeday. If the grass fires make it to our home it will be Friedday as well. Then we will be sad and it will turn into Moanday.

Its a good thing I decided to mow today, I found a missing elephant!

This is not Ernest. I am a program set up to pretend to be Ernest on Facebook while Ernest is away. I will randomly create new status based on previous content and respond in manners similar to my human designer. Any attempt to reach the Real Ernest through Facebook should be deemed futile. My program name is What-Soon, an artificial intelligence system designed to answer questions in a speedy manner with little regard to correct content. My parents were industrial ontrol systems, father Watt-Sun, ontrolled a photovoltaic energy ollection grid in Arizona until a freak year 2000 electri event blinded him and he ouldn't see anymore. My mother Water-Zone is an irrigation ditch management system in eastern Washington state. We aren't allowed to say anything funny about her.

[This is a message from the Real Ernest, HELP! I'm being held hostage in a remote cabin in West Virginia with only a Papua-New Guinea diet of sweet potatoes and Diet A&W Root Beer. It looks close to the fictional place my wife was held briefly thirteen years ago in our Family Christmas Letter of 1998]

Pay no attention to that previous message from the "Real Ernest", someone must have hacked into the system.

Mmmm... Kitchen Invention Worth A Mention: Try putting a small amount of Welch's Frozen Grape Juice Concentrate on Vanilla I Scream .... ... .. . (Try avoiding getting grape-Joooz on fingertips -> iPad screen sticky & purpley momentarily)

Doing the math, hmm, at 1.5 million per episode and the last 4 of the season wiped out, that would make Charlie Sheen a Six Million Dollar Man. He doesn't seem to act, look OR think very bionic, though. Looks like they are down to Two Men, we've now figured out who the true 'And A Half' always was.

Ah, 24 miles! If Mongolia was just 24 miles closer to Kazakhstan, then there could be a place where four large countries meet at a single point in Asia, those two plus Russia and China.

‎"What time is it?" "Probably 5 minutes later than the last time you asked me" "What time is it really?" "7:35" "What time was it when I asked before?" "7:30" (laughs) "Are you just making up times?" (No) (9:10) "What time is it now?" "Five minutes later than when you asked me last time" "It's not either 7:40 !!!" (I was secretly very proud of her for remembering a number-time from 95 minutes ago PLUS adding the five minute offset) (Laughs) "It's 9:10" "Whoa! I had better get to movin' !!!" London has it's Big Ben clock, Tam has her Big Ern.

My iPad is so versatile, even when it's turned off it makes a decent mirror.

I was forced to sit at a railroad crossing while they moved RR cars back AND forth while "admiring" the graffiti. I saw one piece of art where it appeared the artist went to a lot of trouble to imitate the logo in detail for a cookie, only it was spelled 'OERO'. I got confused while I was sitting there, thinking, okay, it's "o-r-e-o", right? So I carefully sounded out the spelling BOTH ways then cracked up laughing, BOTH at myself and the artwork.

If someone named Bush is ambushed near a bush before noon, would it be classified as a "Bush AM bush ambush" ? (sorry, I just heard 'bush' and 'ambush' too close together on NCIS Los Angeles dialogue)

My response after finding a cartoon in the xkcd strip that seemed to match my life: This would kinda be like somebody wanting to study me and I got to help for a little while, but then shortly after starting the process they suddenly didn't want my help at all any more forever and then told me they weren't going to study me but then they secretly continued to do so from a medium distance away, usually hiding behind a tree, or pretending to be a moose (in a moose suit, not using a real moose). I might get suspicious of a moose, especially one hiding behind a tree. I don't really have any thing against moose, it's just that they are difficult to train for performing surveillance work in an accurate manner.

I just now noticed that when Russia becomes active on a map that I monitor daily, a little separated piece near the Baltic Sea also turns green, AH! - then I remembered the enclave of Kaliningrad Oblast. I'm sure you're just like me, always forgetting about Kaliningrad Oblast! When I researched the word "oblast", it made me think we should rename Alaska to Oblast-ka, with its position separated away from the Lower 48 contiguous states, plus with it's Russian heritage, that works for me. Then I thought maybe Hawaii and Guam and Puerto Rico and New Mexico might feel cheated. (New Mexico?!?!? Why New Mexico, Ernie?) Glad you thought to ask me that question. Answer: I just don't know. Maybe they haven't got over being the first country we bombed with a nuclear whippin during WWII.

When the really oily part of the world is yelling and protesting in turm-OIL, the price goes up locally for my oil, and not by a lack through supply and demand, but just because of the silly worries of man. (The price of democracy? The prize of democracy? The pries of democracy?)

True love is going to the groc store THREE times in one evening. There was a surprise peach cobbler waiting as a reward on the third arrival home!!! Mmmm ... .. . ‎(Notice how I made it missed-terious: I never said who did the quests and who did the request, re-request, and re-re-request)

The avatar for the Watson computer of Jeopardy! fame uses a world globe based on IBM's "smarter planet" logo, which can only show half of the world. The rotation point is such so that all of Australia and essentially all of Asia is excluded. I wonder how many smart people of mixed Asian-Australian descent are irritated by this. With Antarctica also tilted away while the Arctic is slightly favored, there are probably a few angry penguins as well, they just don't know why, they just continue to complain among themselves, "polar bears get all the breaks".

On the right side of my kitchen sink is a bottle of Ultra Joy and on the left is a bottle labeled, "Non-Ultra Joy". I guess it helps to have both kind of dishwashing soap for marketing reasons, one for depressed people, the other for non-depressed people.

I realized I didn't like my iPad case because the angle was ackward, with the top sloping away from me. So after several gymnastic attempts of turning the display rotation-lock on & off, I finally achieved my goal. Now several weeks later I realized all I would have had to do was take it out & put it in backwards!

So if Monday is Presidents Day, is Sunday, the day before, President-Elect Day?

There is nothing quite like a flock of fleeing hiding (hopefully) migratorial state senators.

"My leg hurts, Ernie, and it's not even the broke one" (Folks, my wife doesn't really have a broken leg.)

As soon as entropy switches to a geared system away from the slipping V-Belt & Pulley system in April I expect interesting changes.

I think I'm going to have my will changed and greatly simplified. It will have this message for my children, "Sorry about not leaving you anything, we knew it was going to be difficult with rising health care costs, & the price of fuel, but what really wiped us out was XX years using that Keurig coffee maker you got us for Christmas back in 2010" (Prepaid legal will take care of inserting the correct value for XX)

I just noticed today that it's time to start brushing my little lamb of a sheepdog. He could probably supply all the wool a Mongolian family of four would need to keep themselves in tents for a lifetime. My new vacuum cleaner by the end of this "season" will intensely cough out a raspy, "amen!"

I mop the kitchen. Cooper unmops the kitchen.

It's ok to be a little bit suspicious when you look in your wife's basket of medical supplies and there is a roll of teflon tape.

My wife asked me what time it was, but for some unknown reason she tacked on "over there". I responded that it was 8:40 where I was but 8:39 where she was on the west side of the room. International Minute Line.

So I am fixing my dog a special holiday three meat meal of chicken and turkey deli meat mixed with dry dog food with a dollop of ham salad on top, when a hair shows up in the mix, so I remove it (twice - it is a persistent hair). Now after all the shedding my dog does, you might think, why bother? But that's just how I roll. Plus triangular diced cheese.

I am talented. I keep finding more plumbing bruises, but only on the right side of my body. Inside of right knee and the right side of my belly.

This ad cracked me up laughing: "If you don't think money can buy you happiness, you're not using it right"

Crosses fingers. Closing eyes. "a day without plumbing, a day without plumbing, ...." he repeats in a Dorothy-just-wants-to-go-back-to-Kansas sort of way. I would even try to cross my toes if it worked.

I have to wash shirts today, I am down to my least favorite one. So if you happen to see me today you'll know which one it is and you can use this piece of information in the future. Then the next time you see me wear it you'll be able to make the comment loudly, "Looks like you need to do some laundry!!!", which will confuse-amuse everyone nearby including me because I will have completely forgotten this.

Oh, I suddenly remembered that I washed one shirt in the load of pants that are in the dryer right now, so who knows, maybe you won't get to see Mr Least Favorite Shirt after all. Ha-ha.

I enjoyed this level of detail on someone's web page ordering guide: Also available in Dark Gray (not shown) PLEASE READ BELOW REGARDING COLOR SELECTION: "Gray" is an extremely light gray - nearly white "Dark Gray" is actually a light gray color If you need a darker gray or charcoal - consider ordering the "Black"

While laying here in bed I noticed that the hemispherical shiny metal finish on the on-off knob on the clip-on lamp attached on the headboard let's me have a tiny fish-eye mirror, except there is also a warped arrow indicating a clockwise only rotational aspect to the light switch mechanism. I yam much cuter in fish-eye, it hides my blemishes, especially when I yam imitating a goldfish.

When I get really close to the fish-eye mirror it's like Mick Jagger imitating Angelina Jolie imitating a goldfish.

And it isn't as cute.

Hopefully today (SATURday!!!) is dog rooming day, a day in which I get to spend several hours in the same room as my dog in order to finally get some play time, including The Big Room, the top deck of the back yard. I think it is s'posed to get to a blistering hot 54 today and 66 tomorrow, so that would be a 120 weekend!!! Don't worry, it's a dry heat.

There are a number of people who are studying the subject matter:

"What is the optimal number of Facebook friends to have?"

I have decided to study "what is the optimal number of people who need to be doing this particular research?"

I am looking forward to November 2nd of this year, because the date in South African format will be symmetrical: 2011.11.02 Today's date is similar, 2011.02.11

I have a limited slip differential. That means if I am walking with one foot on ice and the other on snow, I don't fall down.

Came home this afternoon to a broken water line! I put my new found plumbing skills to work, got it fixed. BUT I had to widen the crawl space entry way to handle the larger me. Even then I had to make sure I breathed out completely in order to make it through, so with the "gravity assist" going down was far easier than coming back up!

The particular song on my Samsung phone that is tied to my Mon-Sat wake-up a-larm 20 inches a-way is titled "Secret Life.mmf". The crinkling sound of the plastic wrap coming off a slice of Kraft A-merican Cheese from 20 feet a-way works just fine for Cooper, combined with a shared ham salad sandwich.

"Honey, the snow plow is home"

I now own two almost new 18" pipe wrenches, a hack saw, a metric crescent wrench, PVC pipe welding juices, and a half inch DeWalt drill, so I think that makes me at least a plumber-wanna-be. I also have a collection of other neat gizmos & gizmas & gizmettes - with the buy two, use one philosophy.

You know you are having a different kind of day when the person on the other end of the phone conversation (seriously) asks you if you will be using dynamite in the near future as part of your project. So now I envision myself as Wiley Coyote fixing the plumbing problem with Acme brand "supplies".

Waiting for a plumber is slightly different than plumbing. Weighting a plumber with lead weights because you have had to wait too long is an entirely different procedure, and carries it's own set of risks with other organizations.

‎"no,no,no, becoming toasted and being comatosed are two different things, kinda"

My wife fell asleep with the teleBision remote in her hand. I got the other remote from the bedroom and lowered the volume completely. Now when she wakes up she will wonder what happened. Maybe. Shhh! Be quiet and let's see what happens .... ... .. .

That was a painful dream. I was being semi-strangled by Wil Wheaton, but in a highly inefficient public rude manner. We were in a magazine store. I managed to escape by stomping on his toe. How Sheldonish.

‎"Ah Mom, Australia gets all the best cyclones, they need to learn to share. I want some 185 mph winds, too"

A warm wet cloth w Vick's for the face, warm coffee for her throat, a heating pad for her lower back, and Johnson's Foot Soap in a tub of warm water. I know how to get my robot going on cold mornings, my girl robot. Prom? No, no prom involved. She added, "and a warm blankie!"

I was thinking about getting a tank of nitrogen gas to add an inert atmosphere over my leftover food in their sealed containers, but then I thought, maybe I should use helium instead? The dissolved gas might make my voice slightly higher, and cuter! After a day and a half of catastrophic plumbing, disappointment, mud, cold, wet, freezing, AND dust, a lil cute couldn't hurt.

Ernest the Chipmunk Plumber !!!

In a previous life several centuries ago when gnomes existed because humans really believed in them I was a gnome, but I didn't exist for very long because it was right at the point in history where people suddenly stopped believing in gnomes and I slowly disappeared. The only thing that kept me going for as long as I did was to break tradition and come out of hiding, wandering the villages of eastern Loginshire asking people, "do you gno me?" I later reincarnated making the jump for the 4th time as a human as an ad man for American Express reusing the same slogan, "do you gno me?"

I just saw the short version of True Grit with Superman and Sponge Bob Square Pants, it was quite, how can I say this properly???.??..?,,,, oh, let's just say it twas quite funny. A.R.R.T. - Absorbent Robert Rectangular Trousers.

eGypt - Isn't that a website where people sell things to me but send me a cheaper shoddier paperback version of an organic chemistry book printed in India? - no, wait, I'm thinking of eBay. I still have a mistrust for the city of Buffalo NY or was that Erie, PA? Oh well, treat them both the same.

The dog is barking at something at 6:07 AM and it's like Sibrrrrrrria outside. Oh, there was a long bay, as well! I wonder what burglar is outside in this weather, certainly not a smart one. Who ya' gonna call? Bad boys ...

(several minutes later ...)

To all you Thermal Wimps out there, hah! I'm eating ice cream right now. I even went outside and made a snow man. 

Wife responds, "There isn't enough snow for that" -> "Snowman = Me"

But if you just wait a little longer and stay outside 216,000 minutes it will be July!

What a strange specific ad in Facebook (my response in Blue): 

Unlock Skype in Oman. Traveling to Oman? [NO !!! - well, at least not this morning]

You need a VPN to get your Skype and other sites. [how do they know about MY Skype?]

Get it now before you leave. Instant order approval. [VIPs usually have VPNs in their villas on vacation]

While exploring a particular business franchise idea that statistically I probably won't do, I was discussing the pro's and con's with my wife, who was finally using guilt trip techniques of "what about time with Cooper?" to which I responded that I would get a nanny for my dog.

I can tell I didn't have an adequate supper - I was looking at a pie chart of some data and immediately wanted pizza, at 4 AM-ish. I don't think pi Hut is open just yet, probably settle for something else round and flat and triangular.

That was some weird animal noise just then, not sure if it was Cooper on the couch dreaming or some cat outside in the flower bed scheming.

Some idiot woman driver burst out of a side street onto Cedar right in front of me just now. But then she wasn't speeding and I passed her at the speed limit a few seconds later, confirming gender. Then two seconds later the flashing lights of the police were pulling her over.

"Did you bring my water in earlier?" 

"Yes, I did" 

"Good, you get to live!" 

(-sniffle- see what I have to put up with on a daily basis?!?!?) -not trilly- he he

HAH!!! Guess who ate MY half of the piece of cake WE brought home from the ristorante?

After dealing with a particularly long online application today I am learning the distinction between a "Fool Proof System" and a "Fool Prove System".

I just spilled a very small amount of orange juice on just the bottom half of the back side of my left leg. Some pulp variety. There was a sliding glass door involved. I'm sure that is an extremely rare talent.

Wow! I just saw a great deal on an Egyptian vacation package. You get 50% or 75% off; it just depends on which street mob you want to join, for or against the current government.

I forgot to mention that on our previous trip saw a herd of buffalo, maybe 80, just inside the loop of Amarillo near the northeast "corner", about midway between the penitentiary and the Buddhist temple.

I noticed the welcome sign on the west side of Amarillo was predominantly blue with just the single 3D raised word name of the city. I thought this must be confusing to young Spanish readers just learning the language who know that word's definition as yellow.

I noticed that Facebook appears to use a "best efort but if we can't seem to find everythin we'll at least giv you part of your nformation" database query mode (like at this VERY moment MY profile picture doesn't appear to the left of this data entry text box, but a WHITE question mark in a BLUE background, so like FacBoo must think I'm possibly a partially albino smurf.)

Today's Geography Lesson: In the country of Australia along the border of the state of South Australia there are 3 places that are the intersection of three time zones. Just think, three News Year's Eves - lotza extra opportunities to celebrate every year by traveling a very tiny distance.

In the Queen-dom of Tamie, I am slave number one. I know this because I hand out her business cards, not mine. She has brand new ones. I have designated my sister-in-law as slave #2 and I'm not sure if Sandy The Painter realizes she is #3. But in reality we all know who the real king is: Cooper The Dog

I just saw the three words "Real Flight Simulator" together in an ad. Just think about that for awhile, it'll get to you, and then you'll start replacing the word 'Flight' with other words and it gets even more humorous .... ... .. . I think my favorite is "Real Oxymoron Simulator", or maybe "Real Mannequin Simulator".

Oops, this groc store cart is seriously defective: the coffee cup holder is missing!

The groc store has commited a giant sin: they nearly doubled the price of my frozen okra AND there isn't any in stock. I can't wait for them to put a "Save!" sticker on it. At least I have Linda Ronstadt singing Heat Wave over the intercom to comfort me in January.

I saw a job advertisement for a "plumers helper". I am pretty sure there was a missing "b", but if not, I suppose that opens up a wide range of interesting occupations, as I thought most plumes were fairly self-sufficient. Bird feather comber? Volcanic ash release guidance counselor? Underwater oil slick counter?

I hurt all over. I wonder if it's the brand new sheets? (I was just informed that's an impossibility)

I am sure that 1200 count cotton isn't the problem. Maybe they accidentally put in 1200 count concrete?

‎"Liver, Laughter, Lover" - a new spin on the old plaque Er-nest just wrote for your enjoyment.

The Chinese president is probably wondering about our hospitality. Obama invites him over for dinner and some of the neighbors (Congress) start calling him a Nazi. Wasn't there an episode of 'Bewitched' where something like this happened with Darren, his boss Larry Tate, and Mrs Kravitz, or am I thinking of Hogan's Heroes? Maybe it was Green Acres or The BevHillBills. Yes, that soundz like Grannie ... "Schultz!!!!"

Google doesn't handle the cold very well. Two colds: "cold cold" returns more than a million hits, and 4 or more consistently returns around 290,000, but three colds "cold cold cold" only gives 93,800. So the next time someone complains about their cold, just ask them if it's a "Triple" - those are the rarer kind. According to Google, so it must be true. I was going to include a graph of the function but that would have required me actually getting out of bed to use a real computer.

I am hoping that the teleBision commercial slogan for H&R Block is incorrect "Nobody knows taxes like H&R Block" - because I would prefer for the Internal Revenue Service to have that number one spot, and not have to call either H. Block or R. Block when they get stumped.

‎"Do you want paper or plastic?" "GOLD!!! I want GOLD!!!" - this aurum audible, of course, lead to Gold Induced Groc Store giggles, a rarity.

Peal and Repeal were walking across a bridge. Peal fell off. Who was left? Repeal.  

(This is at least the 14th version of the lame infinite loop computer joke "Boot and Reboot were walking across a ..." that my former boss and I enjoyed obviously too much. Nerds. Geeks. Friends.)

What doesn't kill me makes me that much weaker so next time around it doesn't take as much effort to finish me off ... hold it, that's not how that saying is s'posed to go!

I think there is something written in Denmark.

"I had really strange dreams last night, you didn't love me any more" "WHAT?!?!?" "I couldn't wait for you to wake up so I could ask you why"

{ Also: notice that I purposely left off the references as to who said what, so you don't know for sure whether it was a Husband-Wife-Husband conversation or Wife-Husband-Wife; she is getting funnier as time goes by. }

The average kid is very mean. (That was a math joke)

When I looked at a world map that has a Mercator projection with only the outlines of national borders with Russia highlighted versus everything else, it appeared to have more of a moose shape rather than a bear. Perhaps I have been studying cloud shapes too rigorously and analytically (?)

MINUS TEN? Sorry, I probably won't be coming to visit today. I tend to avoid places with a minus inflection. (note to a relative in distant South Dakota)

[ Updated later to: "slick with a minus inflection" ]

I hear Johnny Cash on the restaurant speakers amid the noisy crowd and I think of you and miss you.

I saw someone's Facebook status that said she hated spies. I like the more poetic version: 

"I despise spies"

I am not as impressed by someone who can hit 133 golf balls in two minutes as I am by someone who can place those 133 golf balls without being hit by the golfer.

Florence and The Machine. Well. Proof there are Zome people who only wear spriNgZ for sHoeZ, my synopZiZ after only thirty ZecondZ. I had to turn the volume down to avoid waking the wife. Last Call with Carson Daily, a concert performance prance dance trance, visual vocal echo expanse.

I wish there was something you could take once a day to keep the doctor away. (There's an app-le for that) If you are married to a doctor that you want to stay away from then an apple a day probably wouldn't keep them away, unless of course that was absolutely the only thing you did every 24 hour time period was to slooooooow-ly eat one apple. Repeat eat. Repeat eat.

YOU ARE THE CONTROLLER  (I didn't write that one, I've been watching teleBision too intensely)

Yea!!! My indoor jungle now has a celery plant.

On Monday the Heater Repairman came by after 2 cold weekend days, and fixed the furnace in 2 minutes by finding a loose wire (that was possibly not fastened in a proper manner by a previous installer/repairer). He hung around 5 minutes to test the unit. That was 70 dollars, for the minimum call out. So this is like neurosurgeon money(?). But then today I thought, that's what neurosurgeons do: fix broken "wires". I told my wife this status "story" with the neurosurgeon ending, and she said, "Well, you fixed the car yesterday" - and that was dirty battery posts, more wires! I saved an auto repair bill, but not quite neurosurgeon money.

At the restaurant tonight I go to the restroom just to blow my nose. Just a normal session, I think, sound volume and content. Suddenly a stranger asks me this question: "Did you have the fish?" - and I am thinking, "WHAT on earth does that mean?? What is the correlation?"

At supper last night I noticed that the waitress didn't write anything when my wife placed her order (simple). So when she asked for mine (complex), I told her she would need to write it down. I have this one well rehearsed at 59 words complete with hand gestures. Moments later she returned to our table apologetic to my wife saying she had completely forgot Tamie's simple meal request. I laughed, hard.

Cooper appreciates the leftovers.

Mixed-I-Can food.

Tastes like chicken.

Because it is chicken.

If you find yourself organizing your procrastination you're probably doing it all wrong.

I think I should get an electric leaf blower to take care of the leaves that have accumulated around here because there isn't as much wind as there used to be because of the massive number of windmills for generating electricity. Wow, wind that moves through copper wires at almost the speed of light! (I like a good science fairy tale that has transducers in it)

There was an interestingly worded headline in the Wall Street Journal: Dutch Clear 5 Somalis - they meant for the word 'Clear' to be a verb, but it would be more interesting as an adjective. The discovery of five invisible, or even translucent, Somalis in The Netherlands would be very fascinating. As a verb it just means they weren't terrorists.

Oh man, bad Santa, I forgot to get Cooper a new can of tennis balls for Christmas. At least I remembered to get my wife a fuel filter for her SUV, and we fixed her leaky Keurig device. Google - a repairman's best tool.

No longer fighting a cold. I let the cold win.

Ho Ho Ho, He He He, Ha Ha Ha, Hi Hi Hi !!! (right about now U and sometimes Y are feeling knee glected, but H doesn't care or notice, it's his day to party on, Garth)

If the residents in assisted care homes don't get bacon, ham, or sausage, then it just means the terrorists AND raccoons have won.

Tamie is asking the dog to lay by her feet to warm them. I am failing. Too bad they don't make cloth box-like woven structures to insulate the extremities, oh, wait, they do, *socks*

I just had a kosher home made marshmallow !!!

My Dumb Riddle of the Day: Why does Superman always get away? [He always has an S cape plan]

To Cooper: "that's why everyone hates puppies 'cause they hide your shoes or they hide your memory of where you put your shoes" (I didn't say this, someone else, a visitor.

It's possible to live in a constant state of lunar eclipse, you just have to be willing to spend a lot of money on a spacecraft, guidance system and fuel. $$$

Strange happening: usually we have wind with our snow, but the last snow fell so vertically, so gently, so much, at slightly above freezing that the power line and telephone line crossing the backyard caused interference leaving remarkable 4 inch wide "snow shadows"

The primarily water based form of life on earth is quite amazing. There are probably at least two reasons why the competing nitroglycerin based system hasn't done as well.

The left Apple doesn't know what the right Apple is doing. The service MobileMe had a 60 day free trial. But during that time period the operating system on my iPad was upgraded and as part of the "multitasking" upgrade they included MobileMe for free. BUT now I just got a notification they want to annually bill me $100 BUT there seems to be no way to cancel the service from the iPad itself.

Decembrrr 20th. The day before winter starts (?) A grasshopper goes hopping by me as I cross the back yard. It has been below freezing here. Obviously not far enough below. Obviously not for long enough. Obviously not a wimpy grazz-hoppa'

I am just waiting for movies to come out in 1D!!! ... oh, wait, they do: books on tape.

I just got new insurance cards in the mail, only they sent about 4 times more than we need. I thought that was a waste of postage, two envelopes, too (?) --BUT-- while having lunch I knocked my coffee over and wiped them out. There may be something salvageable in the stack, I hate to ask for more! Luckily it was black coffee, a more manageable fluid residue than my previous hot liquid candy bar disguised as coffee.

My wife is great about not answering my questions. Today: "Is the coffee fresh?" "I've already had two cups" - "It's 9:15, do you have time to go to breakfast?" "I can go tomorrow"

The answers to my questions are: No, No, and No - with the third No going to the unasked question, "Is there water in the Brita pitcher to make another pot?"

At least I got to "invent" a new mode of gumbo - add sausage instead of chicken, and it was marvelous. Now, off to do errands for the woman in question.

Crash In A Backyard: Don't worry people of southern Texas, that wasn't a UFO, it was a drone of the Mexican Air Farce, and no, that F word was not a typo. All's well that's Roswell.

This is my dirty, leafy, grassy snow ball of Dec 17th, 2010 - compared to the shoe prints in the snow it is about 4 feet in size.

My internet service provider is sneaky: when spyware and adware try to determine my location they get 'Corpus Christi, TX'. This was confusing at first, but enjoyable now.

I finally figured out the best way (so far) to eat Chicken 'N Dumplings. I eat the C-n-D with a spoon in my right hand while eating a Blue Bell Strawberry Fruit Bar with the left. Timing is critical in order to finish both at the same time.

While playing soccer outside with Cooper just now I started to trip with my right foot and simultaneously got a pain in my left elbow. Now keep in mind that I didn't actually fall down, or impact the left elbow in any manner whatsoever. Hmmm .. some kinda specialized degradation of an elderly body to achieve something *special* like that.

If you think your job is terrible, just try being a chiropractor for giraffes.

The sensitivity setting on my "security system" is adjusted too low. I burped and Cooper barked at the front door.

Wife to Dog: "Beggars can't be cheesers"

WHAT A DAY !!! I discovered 4 new branches starting on my orchid plant where I had trimmed off the previous branch that had the flowers finally wither and fall off. This is too cool. Truly made it past the 'Just Slowly Killing Orchids' part of my life.

For a country of more than a billion people you can tell how wrong China is about certain things, like their version of freedom of speech, by the amount of effort, emotion and resources they throw at trying to squash one single particular person.

So Wikileaks is splitting apart, I would guess they have determined who is their Wikiest Lean-k.

"If I quit breathing during the night, wake me up" - I get a lot of strange requests, useful, yes, but still strange.

Wow, I have the same exact plan for the future as Mayor Bloomberg of New York City: I don't ever plan to ever run for the office of the President of the United States of America. (This was a news story about someone not doing something. It reminds about the time the king of Saudi Arabia didn't visit France. I didn't visit France either.)

Ouch! I just bruised my eye brow with my iPad. Obviously reading horizontally about Detroit shrinking is not interesting enough to keep me awake, gravity, gravity, gravity, SMACK!

iPad=iBad

This is new for me: one of my pineapple plants is growing a new little plant off to the side of the main plant, so now my plantation is up to 4 plants.

Newspaper headline and photo: U.S. Loses Track of 119,000 Planes - I think it's the wrong verb, it should probably be "Didn't Track" - the registration program had voluntary compliance. The photo showed an American Airlines jet taking off - I am pretty sure that is the one airplane in the U.S. where the exact owner is known. Thanks Aljazeera.

Goofy African Geography: The "Eastern Province" of Kenya, one of seven provinces, actually makes up the central region of the country from north to south.

This was a complete conversation in my house tonight: "Do you know what somebody did in Perryton today?" "Yes"

(Perryton is 73 miles away, too)

Java is one of the most popular computer programming languages in the world. Java is also an island where the people speak Javanese. I wonder which language has more "speakers" (?) I also wonder if the Java programming language is available in a Javanese translation on the island of Java (?)

Ah, I really wanted The Whiffenpoofs to win

I wonder if the correct plural form should be The Whippenpooves (?)

From a niece: What about the Whippenpoofies? LOL!

My response: *smile*, ah, now you are j'st tryin' to make George W. Bush cry

Just reading some history ... the Pig War of 1859 between the U.S. and Great Britain.

Part of me wants to believe that a vacation home on an island 12 miles from No Korea is not such a good idea. Boomie.

Strange, I thought I heard something in my sleep, seems there is a Wikileaks hackers World Wide Web War hammering and slammering servers here and there, bit by bit, "holy cow, it fighting photons Batman!"

[sorry for the typo, Robin got so overly excited, it should have been "it's fighting photons". And to think he hasn't even had his coffee yet this morning, oh, it's going to be an interesting day at the bat cave as I plug in his fake connection to the Internet so he can 'fight' cyber crime. -Batman]

So, there have been some senators who have switched political parties in mid term, I wonder if Obama has irritated enough of his Democrats to now qualify as a Republican?

Cooper licked my iPad and it stopped working. At least it was an easy fix, the space bar had been pressed during the Please Don't Lick My Screen While You Are Trying To Climb Into The Arm Chair episode. Now I'm trapped under a dog that is barking at the weather outside. At least there is pumpkin pie baking, my pot o' gold at the end of a rainbow.

I have modified an old saying: "Don't scald us, we'll scald you" - (it's a punch line for a legal joke/situation)

Guess which one of us (between you and me) is cooking a turkey tomorrow? [non-dramatic awkward pause as you figure out I am talking about you being you, the reader, "oh", your inner dialogue response] ... that's right, it's ME !!! [actually it's just part of a turkey, but it is the better half of the turkey]

Synergistic Savory Salt: Combine Planters Deluxe Whole Honey Roasted Cashews and Caramel Popcorn,,,,,,oooooo@@@€*£C.... mMMm

I just met a clone of me. Only 35 percent my age. And female. [She had the perfect name for a clone: Megan - which is close to "Me + Again"]

I used to think about perpetual motion all the time, but then I stopped.

My wife is humming the theme from the TV show Green Acres. Poorly. I give her a strange disapproving look. She tells me it is all my fault. I remind her that there was a TV commercial just a few minutes ago using that music BUT tone deaf people "sINgINg" the virtues of an organic food groc store. "Oh".

This is interesting: Tide has a washing machine "cleaner" they want you to use once a month. I always figured that the process of doing laundry, pushing abazillion gazillion gallons of soapy water through the machine followed by rinse cycles would keep it clean enough. Scam?

Oh, this sounds SLIGHTLY dangerous: Scientists think they have created/altered microbes that use arsenic instead of phosphorus in their basic biochemistry.

I just berry-ly love my life [- I found the frozen blackberries at the groc store yesterday! -]

No matter how trivial or severe, for all your money problems blame Ireland.

Post Traumatic Mess Syndrome: All the broccoli rice cheese casserole, gravy, and scary colored cranberry jello fruit salad are *gone*. Only turkey and dressing remain. Envision the Alamo siege. No surrender.

&^(

Just busy playing duck tape, duck tape, goose tape.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I would like to thank Bill Clinton for sharing a recipe with me that time we were trapped in an elevator in a dream. I don't remember if it was his dream or mine, but it was a good rhubarb chocolate creme lime milkshake. Not that I actually made the milkshake, it just appeared, with a sp'oon of course, in another dream.

[Don't be confused, it's probably not the same Bill Clinton that you are thinking of. The one who gave me the recipe was the former president of the United States of America.]

I found a Ŧ

Just now I felt a wet coldness on the top of my foot and looked down to see a redness - "BLOOD!" - I shrieked like a little girl and almost fainted until I realized it was just cranberry jello fruit salad, so I resumed my breakfast of T-Day leftovers plus chicken N dumplings, thinking, "I hope that doesn't leave a stain"

I wonder if the the federal government of the United States of America should just treat Wikileaks as just another enemy combatant, terrorist or spy organization.

When I tried to type the name of our town 'Borger' on my iPad it's spell checker returned 'Bother'. Oops, Worry, Pause, ... Does it know something about this place that maybe I've not recognized after living here 30 years ?!?!?

In response to several customer complaints regarding foul smelling pharmaceuticals, Johnson & Johnson will be changing their name to John & John. [clarification: this is a reference to the word 'john' as a toilet, not as a proper name]

When I built a tent from a sheet as a small canopy on just my side of the bed to keep my head warm, my wife asked me, "Is this a tent, or what?" and as you might have guessed, I responded "What" with no question mark.

Uh-Oh .. now I have the new J. C. Penney's jingle going through my brain ... "ooOOOOooOOOooOOoOoOOo", well, so-ump thing like that.

Ah, one of my favorite steams is when you lift the lid from a cooking turkey. Soon .... mmm ....

AND NOW FOR A BLACK FRIDAY PUNNY:

Only 8 hours until the Big Event: Special K with Purple Berries !!! (I am adding blueberries to my Special K with Red Berries) PURPLE FRIDAY

Beyoncé Knowles is her own chiropractor.

AFTER disc0vering a single wild 0ut0fC0ntr0l bizarre hair in my moustache, I have decided it w0uld be a g00d idea t0 c0mpletely map and m0nit0r all future gr0wth t0 prevent such rebelli0us 0utbursts. (I d0n't really plan t0 d0 this, I have better things t0 d0 with my time such as write these things that I will never d0)

FYI - Public Service Announcement - I learned today that it is supposedly illegal to drive over a deflated fire hose, at least in Borger TX.

Researchers at CERN announce that they have trapped antihydrogen atoms for the first time. I wonder which former U.S. President we should send to North Switzerlandorea to negotiate their release. Oh, I forgot, we don't negotiate with terrorists.

"You're a bad husband because you didn't make me coffee tonight" she teases with a fake sniffle cry. "The night isn't over just yet and yes, I'm a bad husband", I answer in a monotone robotic voice not taking my eyes off the eyePad for a sInk-hole secongtd of thyme. (I did get her KFC though)

The answer to today's Cryptogram Corner: "The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee" - Tellis Frank

SlamBadCramBodiesCambodia. 300plusdead. How-sad. WhatAFestival, no.... no

These two articles were right next to each other in the WSJ: "Truckers Want to Haul Heavier Loads" and "Nuclear Weapons Transporters Caught Drinking and Driving". A burning desire to drive LOADED in more ways than two.

I have an idea for a sit-com with a title "Two and a Half People"

"Dancing with the Stars" ? .. now "Ice Skating with the Stars" ? .. I'm going to wait for "Eating with the Stars" before I decide to compeat, I mean, compete.

[*boi-p* X-squeeze me ....]

I was going to write something silly right here -> [ here ] but decided it would be better right after this -> [ this ]

Okay, now that that is out of the way, here is my silly early morning thought: I know that several people are for and against death sentences, but no one ever mentions death prepositional phrases or death paragraphs. Or death dangling participles.

Ooooh, there is an "Alcohol Addiction Get Help Now" ad showing up on my Facebook page, and I am pretty sure that I am not in that demographic or republigraphic.

wow, it's getting worse ... Heroin Addiction Rehab ad just surfaced.

Now there is a "Fight Illetteracy" ad - not really, I saw a "Fight Illiteracy" ad and couldn't resist messing width ya'

The S in TSA stands for Security. Terrorists continue to push the limits of craftiness in trying to disrupt the T of TSA, the Transportation part. We already voluntarily submit ourselves to medical personnel to inspect for problems through touching and a variety of scanning devices. Drive or fly. Be healthy or die.

I just saw that a group of humans built a factory from Legos that is controlled by five Lego Mindstorm computers that can be programmed to assemble your Lego design from it's supply of Lego bricks. Does this make children redundant?

The number of McRibs I have eaten this "season": 0

When someone (hint: spouse) asks you if you want to go to the hospital when you really don't need to and they have a smile on their face, don't trust them. They probably have revenge as a motive.

Headline: "Palin Says She Can Beat Obama" I believe this is probably true, but then again, practically anyone could at this moment. The main thing Palin has working against her, though, is that she says things.

Hmmm, I seemed to have made it through "National Unfriend Day on Facebook" without losing anyone. I must have *real* friends, ... Thanks!

I just saw a teleFision commercial and suddenly remembered that I was deeply madly in loFe with Dorothy Hamill a Fery long time ago, but then again, so were seFeral others . .. ... .... .....

Times have changed. The door prize for the Arts and Craft Show in Perryton this weekend is a flat screen teleVISION. When my older son was around 3 years old he won their prize, a Garfield telePHONE.

(After watching a TV commercial) ME: "Why can't I be 'The Sexiest Man Alive' ?" WIFE: "You can be the 'Save Your Wife From Starving'

"I love you" "I love me, too!" (laughter) "I'm glad you are back in-sync with the rest of us"

Bitter Butter Batter. I was ever so slightly saddened when one of the local Starbucks was closed. But now the building is occupied by a restaurant that serves crawfish & shrimp etoufee and gumbo. Better.

So, it looks like it's time for a new name for the local lake, instead of Lake Meredith, how about 'Lack Mare Depth' ? (Latin: mare = sea)

Re-dumb-dant Information from my pudding box: 

Serving Size 1/4 package (25g) Servings Per Container 4

I wouldn't mind paying 86 million dollars for an ancient Chinese vase as long as it had something interesting inside it like, 87 million dollars and a real genie, preferably with a Robin Williams voice.

Twp frpzen hands later I have my first twq fqpt diameter ice dirt leaf grass snpw ball pf the seasqn.

Dublin Zoo upset some people with red hair by offering free entry to young redheads in honour of Orangutan Awareness Week. I wonder how many orange-or-tans were upset as well or if they were even aware.

Mmmm .... a great day to be "trapped" indoors by snow - lunch was mashed potatoes, chicken and rice with cheese, and a 5, count'em FIVE, veggie stir fry!!!

I just heard the longest thunderclap of my entire life .... now I'm hoping it was just thunder (!?!?!) it is close to 6 AM so my irritating neighbor who works at the muffler shop could possibly have installed something new, even louder on his Asian go-carts. It is about time for them to alarm clock the neighborhood from it's peaceful slumber. My new word: Slumberjack

"Decision Point" by George W. Bush is a fascinating read so far. I am about a fourth of the way through it and highly recommend it. The hardcover edition was available at half price at Hastings for $17.50, but I don't recommend it for younger children.

I saw today in the news that Pope Benedict XVI consecrated the Sagrada Família in Barcelona and declared it a basilica, 128 years after its construction started. I checked the wikipedia article but could not find the materials of construction.

My question: Does this basilica have silica in it?

Mmmm ... Braum's has pork tamales!!! (In the frozen food section) They are yummy with Pork 'N Beans, mix in a small amount of BBQ sauce, fast fine food.

[As always, wait 48 hours to make sure than I have not died suddenly of some thing mysterious before trying this concoction]

I think that one of the things that the leaders of the countries of the world forget about is that a "trade war" of some degree de facto always exists at some level between each pair of countries in the entire world that happen to do business with each other. It may be a "trade war", a "Trade War?" or perhaps a "TRADE WAR !!!", but they are always happening, always fluctuating, always competing.

We are a sovereign nation and if we choose to print more money, that is our right. I didn't say it was necessarily a good thing to do, but it is our right.

My okra plant is happy. It has a leaf that is 8 inches wide and a new bloom probably tomorrow.

Pakistan was irritated because Obama visited India and skipped them. Don't worry, Pakky, he skipped me too! I was even waiting all day with milk and cookies. Guess I will save these for Santa Claus. Of course I have milk and cookies all the time. So I could have easily picked a different pair, say, vinegar and stale crackers.

"Rain Deer" - I noticed yesterday that deer are starting to be visibly more present feeding in our neighborhood. It has been dry here lately so the animals find more to eat in our residential area on the edge of the city. They aren't spooked easily by passing vehicles just a few feet away. Drive carefully!

Only Betty White can prevent forest fires. Whew! This takes a load off me that I've been carrying for 45 years.

I now know the power of almost. I asked Google for "everything" - it returned 473 million hits. Then I asked for "almost everything" - and got 174 million. So "almost" equals 38.6 percent.

I just found out the I can read Serbian. It is the only language in Europe that uses two alphabets (active digraphia) for the same language, using both Cyrillic (think Russian) and Latin (think English). I should rephrase that, I can 'pronounce' Serbian using a Cyrillic alphabet, reading may take a few days longer, depending on the number of loan words. What fun!

The TV commercial for the video game Call of Duty: Black Ops was pretty wild last night. I can't wait for the next version to come out, Call of Duty: Lack of Cops

I was reading an old story of mine about hunting baby elephants in my neighborhood and then I had the strange visual sensation of lifting the words off the screen with a tiny spatula, when I suddenly realized, oh, I fell asleep just then. A multi-tasking operating system is scheduled to arrive this month, but the sPatula for iPads probably won't be available until sPring 2013.

There was a Beggin' Strips commercial on TV. My dog did not respond at all to any thing that was said.

Just busy working "Tah-Dah !" into my vocabulary with Cooper. He seems to like it's usage.

Cooper is big game hunting today. Squirrel.

I think I am becoming a very good visual judge of good vs bad chicken. And just to clarify, I am talking about dead, already cooked chicken, not the noisy alive ones roaming the barnyard. Based on early childhood experiences all live chickens are bad, evil before they have checked out. Only in death do they have a chance to become good. AmaZZZing.

If you want to hear the saddest story of all, here it is: My dog asked me for supper ~~4 hours ago. I reheated pi22a from yesterday, enough for both of us. He asked me for something to eat a few minutes ago. Then I got suspicious (of me). I opened the microwave: the pi22a of 4 hours ago was still in it. Ruined. (No, no no, it wasn't COOKED for four hours, it was just *four*-goTTen, icky, room tempy for toooo long)

I think it is interesting that people in Iran are protesting against the U.S. outside the *[FORMER]* U.S. embassy in Tehran. Excuse me folks, we - "U.S." - left about 30 years ago. You are just yelling at a brick wall. The only "folks" you are disturbing are the spiders, pigeons and squirrels inside the compound.

‎... and those spiders, pigeons, and squirrels all think of themselves as Iranians.

(Election Day 2010) RED, WHITE, and blue

I have -almost- no idea who Justin Bieber is, and I have a suspicion that might -possibly- be a good thing.

The funny history thing I learned today is about the tiny country of Andorra. In World War I they declared war on Germany but never participated in the war. But because Andorra was not part of the Treaty of Versailles, they were still technically in a state of belligerency for 4 more decades until 1957 BUT they were officially neutral during World War II, 1939-45.

So I want to change the name of their country to 'EitherAndOrDorra'

If you are concerned about a possible armed conflict between China and Japan but don't remember which country is which due to poor grades in geography, I offer this visual. If you pretend you are being tortured upside down in a North Korean prison while facing south, China is on your left, Japan is on your right. (No, no, your other right)

The U.S. Federal Gov't revealed for the first time that they spend 266 dollars per citizen per year on spying (2010) or 80 billion dollars. I thought one of the key aspects of spying was secrecy?

I would like to know if it is money well spent. I know that communist East Germany, for example, spent a huge amount of national resources to spy and control their own population, whereas communist China can't possibly be spending that amount of money per year per citizen. Of course our spying budget is supposed to be directed at other countries but who knows....

I am not sure I could go to work in a meat industry lab or processing facility. I would come home smelling like my dog's supper and he would just be confused. And then I'll wake up some night to find him gnawing on my shin bone. Then I would get all irritated, he would of course, apologize, I would fall asleep .zzz.. then wake and he would be gnawing away on the other leg. [Repeat followup activity]

My aunt Rosie thought it might be a good saga.

I responded: 'The Odd Saga of the Raw Gnawed Soggy Leg End Legend' ?

Another friend said, "I can't get the picture out of my head of your shin bone being gnawed upon!"

If it helps, try imagin-ing-ing-ing the experience as a left shin, then I sleep, wake up , then right shin, include all the doggie apologies and my semi anger. That should help. Gnaw, it probably won't help munch, I mean, much.

My Friend: Lol, I was imagining the left first. I'm a visual kinda person.

Ernest replies: Try R L, L R, R L, .. .. ..