Me - The King of Central Switzerland

France should invade central Switzerland. Why? The country of Lebanon was once known as "The Switzerland of the East" for it's banking activities. It's capital of Beirut was also known as "The Paris of the Middle East". If anyone objects, France could always say it was just part of their conquest, oops, I mean, Liberation of Libya.

After France takes control of the middle of SwitZerland they should rename it "Zer", which I feel is the nearly perfect name for the region. Of course if they wanted to name it after me for coming up with this most brilliant plan, they could go for the very heart of SwitzErland and name it "E".

(Several of my friends call me "E", not that I actually encourage this behavior. Ernest->Ernie->Ern->E. Linguistic laziness. But if they declare me the King of Zer, it'll be okay, as long as I don't have to move there. I'm nice and warm and toasty in my bed right now with a head cold and associated aches and pains, so if they could just send some money to handle my recent diesel fuel bill increase, that would be okay. After all, that is the main real reason why France invaded Libya. And do they still make cuckoo clocks in Zer? If not, have them send me a fancy hand crafted eXpensive watch.)

Chicken Enchilada Volumetric-ky Difference-all Equations

I have different levels of competency for the variety of fields in mathematics. One that I don't understand is 'Chicken Enchilada Mathematics'.

A local restaurant charges $5.29 for one CE with chips, hot sauce, beans and rice. Plus a very tiny amount of lettuce, let's not really call it a salad. Add a 2nd enchilada for $1.40, add a 3rd for $1.00 more, BUT a 4th enchilada costs an ADDitional $3.28 (?!?!?)

Please bear in mind that nothing else changes as they add more CE. The amount of beans, rice, chips, ice water, napkins, forks, spoons, fluorescent lighting and air all stay the same. I am just trying to have a little more to take home to my dog for his evening meal.

I even clarified the ticket with two people just to be sure they were charging the "correct amount".

My wife asked me, "we aren't going to stop going there just because of this, are we -(?!?!?)- You can find something else to feed Cooper." She likes the less crowded atmosphere versus other places in town. I told her that we would continue to go there because I love their hot sauce. But the 3 enchilada meal at the more quote "expensive" unquote previous restaurant probably has a greater volume of food than the escalated exponentially inflationary 1-2-3-4 CE meal which I'm sure is now more expensive, for essentially the same quality & ingredients meal. Again, hot sauce quality is the crucial deciding factor.

Oh my, I just heard someone on teleBision turn 'fajita' into a VERB with

" ... just fajita-erize 'em ... "

translated as

'to cut meat into fajita size and shaped portions'

Thanks Emeril L. for the chuck L.

The Toilet Paper Theft

While I was in the check-out line at the store one of my "friends" from my previous job secretly stole my toilet paper. Then he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "You aren't supposed to just be leaving your stuff laying everywhere around the store", and I looked around to find that he had placed the TP on a shelf a few feet away.

So I told him, "You know, I would normally take you outside and beat the soup out of you but as luck would have it", and I held up my sack of groceries with the can of cream of chicken, "I already bought soup today". But then his cell phone rang and he had to stop teasing me except during the first few seconds of his conversation where he explained to the caller how he was being creatively mean to me.

So I pushed my shopping cart of things to our SUV and put them in the vehicle. When I was pushing the empty shopping cart back to the store I saw his vehicle, so I gave him the "gift" of Wire Mesh and Wheels, always a nice present in the month of March, and put the shopping cart in the back of his pickup truck, a new toy in his old Toyota.

Bag of Phones by Even Rings

The Freedom of Speech lawyer-wanna-be-part-of-me suddenly realized there is probably a sneaky way to get around the "No Cell Phones in Cars" rule that is a local ordinance for our school zones. By using a Clear Communications wireless internet modem, a DC-AC inverter, Clear Comm VOIP (Voice Over IP) telephony box and a regular old-fashioned telephone, you can telephonically communicate in an automobile without using cellular telephony. Kinda back to the old bag phone days, in terms of bag-gage volume! Remember those?

Because it's a regular phone system I realized I could plug multiple phones into the same system with a Y-connector, so I hooked in a wireless headset and a wired land-line type unit. So that would be useful on a very large vehicle for an intercom, back seat drivers, or conference calls.

Yes, I even included an answering machine that I will never ever pay attention to, (just like always!!!). Now, where did I put that fax machine? Oh, there it is in the back seat. I'll take some pictures of the system WITH the system as soon as I install a Skype video phone.

At least I didn't try to put a telephone in my vehicle using tin cans and string technology. What about tin cans and fibre optic cable instead?

Disclaimer: This blog note is intended for entertainment purposes only. Please check your equipment and service provider's rules and guidelines for configuration and usage. Check all appropriate laws and regulations before assembling and operating telephonic equipment as well as performing activities in a safe manner. Be a good lil pumpkin as always!

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

Happy Mudders Day Is The Better Choice

I sent one of my friends a Happy Birthday greeting this morning, then a second friend wished her a 'Happy Dirt-day'.

I responded to both friends: It's a good thing your dirt-day isn't in May on the second Sunday and it was raining, otherwise it would be Happy Mudders Day, but that's still bedder than what my spill chicker wanted, it changed 'mudders' to 'Happy Murders Day', a holiday which is usually not in the month of May.

Egnahc eman gnitseretni

One of my friends changed her name in Facebook by reversing the order of the characters, so I sent her this backwards message:

Egnahc eman gnitseretni

(I tried running this through Google Translate before I sent it, but it appears that I single-handedly, out of everyone on the Internet, broke the darn thing)

Several hours later I sent her another message: I finally got Google Translate to try to figure out a translation using it's "Detect a language" feature. It selected German, but when it 'translates' the message from German to English, it's still

"Egnahc eman gnitseretni"

Measuring Music Quality By MPG

One of my friends wondered how to judge which of her songs were her favorites, and mentioned that some of them gave her goosebumps. I offered this mathematical advice.

At least with goosebumps there is something quantitative to easily measure. That's probably better than the line, "I could dance to that, man".

If you find yourself max-ing out with the number of goosebumps between some of your favorites then it might be necessary to go with GV - Goosebump Volume - where you measure the height of the goosebumps as well taking the quantity of goosebumps into consideration. It might be well enough to take a random sampling of the GH - Goosebump Height - rather than measuring each GB when calculating GV. The name of this procedure is MPG - Music Per Goosebump - not to be confused with Miles Per Gallon.

Update: Atfer i wkoe up and was in the procses of maikng coffee, I realized that there was a missing element to the three dimensional aspect of MPG, namely Time. There is a time aspect as well to take into account the rise and fall of the goosebumps. An appropriate amount of data collection will integrate and calculate the relative time weighted volumetric goosebump response versus each song to allow a ranking in a person's musical library. I would suggest a standard size of the opening 10 seconds of each musical piece.

Update: My friend thanked me and said she was looking forward to how it all worked out. I responded:

I will have to develop a GBMD - goose bump measuring device. It will probably involve extremely close up digital photography and a little tiny Utah gutsy, Ooops! sorry, the spell checker changed my 'itsy bitsy' to 'Utah gutsy', vertical measure stick. It would kinda be like that pair of guys in hard hats and bright orange safety vests where person A is looking through a telescope gizmo on a tripod and person B is holding the vertical ruler about a thousand feet away. Only this would involve nano technology and probably no hard hats. You could still wear a shiny orange safety vest if you wanted.

Update: I have decided that MPG should stand for Measuring People's Goosebumps

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

My TV ?!?!?

  I   wanted to take a picture of my TV, but then something strange happened. I blame it on either the cute little black and white dog with the red collar on the bottom right or the disconnected cables on the left.

Notice that the dog  iS  standing close to a web cam .... ... .. .

"Say 'cheese!'" 

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

"""

"""

"""

...

Navigating a Zone for Pa or Ma on the Amazon

Get started early on your Father's Day (OR in eXtreme cases Mother's Day) gift buying with this item that I found while wandering through AmazonDOTcom in their "Best Sellers" category: Tactical Tomahawk

TACTICAL ?!?!?

SOG Specialty Knives & Tools F01T Tactical Tomahawk, Black

It was ranked 12th in the category "Industrial & Scientific" of their popular items.

Number 151 is a "Budget Life-Size Skull" for $23.98





Number 207 is Spotted Leopard style Duck Tape brand Duct Tape

Number 330 is a Kreg KHC-90DCC 90-degree Corner Clamp. This particular vise-grip type plier bears a strange resemblance to deep under sea fish you might find at 5,000 feet below sea level.


If you go all the way to Number 583 there is a GRINNING skull, and it's far cheaper at $3.78 than Number 151. I checked the customer ratings on this item, and one customer gave the highest rating possible, even though it arrived broken. He said that made it even better! (?)

Notice to my own children: I am not hinting what I want for Father's Day, I am just helping other people shop.

A Glow for My Toe as I Dangerously Go

Glow I turn down the volume and I have a 600 dollar Christmas present from myself from a couple years ago 32 diagonal inch Sony nightlight.

The broad glow across the floor helps me avoid the minefield of migratory dog rawhide bone fragments, the most serious health threat the bottom of my feet ever experience. No, I seem to remember nails in boards (lumber) from my childhood as the most serious feet danger, but that was probably because I didn't have an LCD flatscreen as a child to guide my way.

The older I get the nicer I am to my feet.

Oh, UPS worked a little extra harder and -zooom- our new line of Vibram Five Finger shoes should arrive today instead of next Monday. Excited toes everywhere, not just mine!

My Entry for the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels.



More information about the BLFC can be found at this link: Contest

My Year 2011 Entry
(My entry this year is a line from a previous blog post from a few weeks ago during my plumbing episode mini-disasters)

I have a sneaking suspicion that these warmed up pork tamales mixed with Pork N Beans accompanied by this cup of hot black coffee in a blue cup should take care of my body which feels but isn't black and blue, just scraped in a few places, sore, with little clumps of PVC glue showing up in strange places.

Link to 2010 Entry

Ego Trip OR Ego Vacation?

Which of these direct quotes are from Charlie Gaddafi OR Moammar Sheen?

Ooops! Sorry, that's supposed to be Moammar G and Charlie S, I am starting to be confused between these two delusional ego-maniacs, which one is which (wink!)

a) I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special
b) I'm tired of pretending like I'm not bitching a total freaking rock star from Mars.
c) I'm on a mission right now: It's an operation to right some terrible wrongs, that's what fuels me, the truth.
d) You can't process me with a normal brain
e) Come Wednesday morning, they're going to rename it Charlie Bros., not Warner Bros.
f) My motto is to enjoy every moment, I don't think I would trade any of it because I'm still alive, which is pretty cool.
g) I'm on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front
h) I'm grandiose, I have a grandiose life and I'm embracing it. It doesn't fit into their model and their model sucks.
i) Now they're saying I'm crazy, I'm passionate and I speak the truth, but I'm crazy.
j) (about anti-Semitism) I've never had that in my past, You can look as deep and as far as you want
k) [purposely hidden noun] ... is trying to take all my money and leave me with no means to support my family." He said he will fight them "with zeal, and with focus and violent hatred.
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Answers: Move Mouse Here for Answer

From Piers Morgan interview. Feb 28th, 2011

So Go Ahead and Sioux Me

$o, if the United $tate$ federal government $hut$ down for awhile, doe$ that mean we don't pay income tax for that fractional part of the year?

One of my friend$ agreed that they $hould prorate our taxe$.

It $eem$ kind of "fair", you pay taxe$ to $upport the government, and if the government decide$ to $hut down for awhile, why keep paying? If the electric company $hut$ off the juice, they don't continue to get money. Thi$ $hutdown i$ purely for monetary rea$on$, and they did mention clo$ing park$ and mu$eum$. That $eem$ weird to clo$e down park$ and mu$eum$, becau$e don't they CHARGE admi$$ion and fee$? I figured we have probably already paid for all the tree$ and $quirrel$ in the fore$t$ by now.

Another Thought: If the white man's government shuts down does that mean that the previous government of The British Empire gets to take over, or even better, all the former Native American Indian Tribes? I need to know which tribe I am going to be a part of, my current location in Texas might make me a Kiowa or do I get to choose my birth state of South Dakota and go Sioux? At least I already know one word in Lakota - "tatonka" for buffalo. And I don't really like tea, so I don't want to be or sound British.

Whoa, I suddenly thought about all the money I'm going to get from running a ca$ino!