My 8th Collection of 100 Headlines, Status and Moments in Rhyme from MySpace, Facebook and Twitter
Other Collections of 100: 1-100 101-200 201-300 301-400 401-500 501-600 601-700
800: Iran: a country that can't tell the difference between American hip-pies and American s-pies
799: AQUAFINA has done a marvelous job removing half the plastic from their water bottles for environmental reasons, only now we are left with a flimsy bottle that won't stand upright. It is closer to being a bag of water, something I would call a 'bagtle'. Perhaps a better engineering goal would have been to first try for a 25 percent reduction by removing half the plastic from the top section and leaving the bottom alone.
798: Ernest to the RESCUE!!!! I just learned that the lid for a 30 gallon plastic water container is a very effective helmet for hail. It would have helped to have been wearing a belt though, as I have lost weight lately, had one hand on the helmet, another clutching a pepper plant while trying to use it to open the sliding door and the third … wait, there was no third hand, that explains my embarrassment.
797: I saw a vehicle advertising a company named "Industrial Pest Management" today, and I thought to myself, "I wonder who's side they are on? Bugs need managers? Like, show-biz agents?" and then I thought of my praying mantis. And then I thought how Michael Jackson turned out. And then I decided, "No, I'm not going to tell Polly anything about this"
796: Dear President of Mexico: I just bet if you can convince your citizens to stop sneaking into our country and throwing rocks at our border patrol agents, then our border patrol agents won't be shooting and killing them.
795: Last night it was rather dry and lightening bugs were attracted to the cool damp concrete underneath my air conditioner. I wonder if I flashed the front porch light sporadically if that would attract real lightening and its friend Mr Rain?
794: While thinking about the Gulf of Mess-i-co, I came to the conclusion that it is our Chernobyl, only the breakdown of the word, the slow separation of the sounds 'cheer' and 'noble' ring hollow; BP = Bleed Petroleum
793: I think the person who wins the gubernatorial election should be called "The Guber"
792: I'm not sure what to think about President Obama's televised public statement about him "knowing whose ass to kick". When I actually see a video of him Chuck Norrisingly in motion, foot flying, making glut-max contact, a look of actual pain and embarrassment on the face of the recipient, maybe then. Until then, its just political posturing, Walker Louisiana Ranger.
791: I get on a plane headed to Africa. I find a nice comfortable fold out bed-chair combo. There is a bit of tobacco smoke hanging in the air. The cabin is dark and crowded. A woman in a row behind me leans forward and asks, "Ernie, did you forget to bring your food?" The worst part of this dream is I wake with a dry mouth and there is no hot coffee waiting for me in the cold real world.
790: I've known for a long time there isn't really an A&TT 3G network, its more of a 3g notwork in my suburban neck of the woods, with 60 thousand people within 40 miles of me deceptively overcharged and underserved.
789: You can functionally copyright the title of a book by having its contents be the title of the book, but then this would lead to books being twice as large and people getting to what they think is the middle of the story only to have it suddenly start over. Just think of the severe suicidal thoughts this could induce in someone who started reading the book originally titled 'The Never Ending Story', which would now never end twice. (I'm sorry if this seems twice as long as it should be, its just that the ink ran out in the ribbon of my typewriter and I had to switch from the IBM Selectric to the Smith-Corona and once more to the old Underwood I keep under my wooden desk just for emergency, oops, I mean emergencies, just like this one. Duck and Cover) I almost forgot to mention the effect this would have on card catalogs at the library and the table of contents on the computer screens of a list of 'book titles', and this would wipe out the remaining forests of the earth with Kindles mysteriously suddenly exploding as society shuts down in a Vonnegut Cat's Cradle like manner, the Druidly Decimated System still hanging in there in spite of the attack of incoming ISBN's. My thumbs are sore and the keypad to my phone is threatening revolt as my coffee goes undrunk and I dehydrate in a cold dark silent room.
788: The latest Apple iRobot disguised as a phone, was announced just today. It has a gyroscope. Goodie!!! That will come in handy, adding a touch of realism for when I am playing the game "Help! I'm a nuclear submarine trapped under the polar ice cap" with my dog on the living room floor in the blast of freezing air conditioner. (Is there an app for that?)
787: I just now learned that digital saxophones exist, the Yamaha WX5 - for $550
786: Abu Dhabi of the UAE claims to have the world's leaning-est tower, beating Italy's Leaning Tower of Pisa by almost 5 times as much. But I think they have failed in this distinction: There is a difference between something that ' leans ' and something that is initially built ' crooked '.
785: I wonder if Eqyptian law makers have ever heard of the concept of "ex post facto"? My children understood it's importance quite plainly at about age 4. This puts a big NOT on my #1 birthday wish (from my list of ten impossible items) of "Everybody Be Nice To Israel for At Least One Day Day"
Item #2 on my list of ten impossible things for my birthday: RAIN
784: I am down to a few gallons of rainwater left for my garden and vineyard so I wanted it to rain. It didn't rain HERE but most likely rained way too much somewhere else on the planet. My fault, I should have been more specific, "oar" because water is involved, I could have been more "Pacific". As an emergency basis I have a bucket catching the condensate from the air conditioner.
783: While I was cleaning up the kitchen I noticed that the vegetables from last night (potatoes, beans and carrots) looked drier and darker than normal - and when I picked up the fork in the pan - warmer than normal. They had been "simmering" for 20 hours. I turned off the flame.
782: While looking at a map this morning I saw they have a 'New City' near 'New York City' in New York state. OR, to state it mathematically, that is just like New York City, just York-less, whatever that means
781: yEA! NeW Free ToY !!! Learning to program in Visual Basic 2010 Express
780: Its the first day of the summer for filling the puppy pool. I take a look at this big wet dirty bouncy happy tail-wagging dog outside, and give him a new nickname: "E.V." - I can envision there will soon be Extra Vacuuming inside.
Ooops! Had to patch a hole. - > Six hours later - > Duct Tape appears to be working on the swimming pool - so it can double as Duck Tape as it appears to hold water, at least 6 hours anyway. Quack!
779: Proud owner of an almost new roll of industrial grade duct tape. Same old color, same old sticky.
778: Back of Milk Carton Notification Amber Alert: Polly Gone (Sadness Prevails) Why do you always have to wait 24 hours before filling out a missing person report with the authorities? It is longer or shorter when it comes to insects?
777: 18, Not 10 !!! When I bent down close to the ground to weed the blueberry bush, I was pleasantly suprised to see a new branch at the base, almost doubling the leaf population. But Cooper was helping me rip out the weeds with his mouth and bumping his head into the top branch, so I had to keep reminding him that, "this one is Ernie's"
776: You try and try and try to have nice things ... and ... I just saw the first worm eating on an okra leaf! Off to my battle stations ....
775: No wonder its such an extra bright morning, convincingly directing me to jump outta bed, the moon is contributing a nice big slice of white light directly overhead.
774: I experimented with ordering an Apple MacIntosh computer online to see how expensive I could make one .... about $21,000 if you get *eVerYthIng* .... of course that includes a nice warranty.
773: There was no T at our S_arbucks today - the bulb slash innards were missing from that particular letter, just an empty metal hollow box T
772: For historical purposes I try to keep track of how old certain things are compared to South Dakota. Charlie Chaplin (today's subject matter) is slightly older being born in the early part of the year 1889, about a week before Oklahoma City was created, with Adolph Hitler squeezed in between those two. It was a busy week, especially for an April.
771: If you have doubts about the BP CEO claiming there are no giant plumes of oil UNDER the sea, then go to the grocery store and buy yourself a bottle of Italian salad dressing. The oil is the TOP layer in the bottle.
770: China doesn't seem to wait very long to take action - 30 days from violating the law to capital punishment.
769: As my wife and I were leaving a restaurant there were three law enforcement officers waiting near the door for a table. I asked why they weren't out chasing bad guys, and pointed at my wife, saying, "Look!, there goes one now!" They laughed and the trooper said, "You can't beat up people on an empty stomach"
768: I finally figured out how to get my TV remote to work by pointing it at the opposite wall at just the right spot to reflect the signal beam to sneak around the DVD player. Its a complicated piece of minimalistic real estate. Now what I am really amazed about is that my phone's built-in dictionary has the word 'minimalistic' but not 'DV', 'VD', or 'DVD'
767: Fresh volcan-ick activity from South America with this one measuring 5 on the syllable scale.
766: So I wonder if A&TT is going to give me a 1/31 discount on my next cell phone bill for today's outage? I would rather doubt it ..... .... ... .. . . .
765: Advice for Candidates 101: Its a free country, but if your children are the ones who are managing your financial affairs, then you probably shouldn't be running for City Council.
Advice for Candidates 102: If you are running for office mainly to protect your right to keep a herd of goats inside the city limits, that might not be a good enough reason. It just depends on how much you like goats.
764: "i" wonder when Apple is going to reveal their iParent, and whether it will come with 3G networking and true multitasking operating system as standard features.
763: I told my wife today that she is no longer a mere cosmetologist, but a 'cause-a-magic-ist'. (She smiled at her new title.)
762: &^( goodbye, Art Linkletter. Thank you for so many smiles, giggles and laughs during my childhood.
761: . .. ... .... ..... I was with someone today who started talking about all the problems in the "Gulf of Lousiana" - and I had to stop to think for just a split second - oh, Gulf of [mental italics start here] "Mexico" [mental italics stop here] - based on several factors, I didn't offer a correction ..... .... ... .. .
760: Today's Favorite Screwdriver
759: Human kind and unkind is made up and down of so many millions of neighbors neighborhoods hoods overlapping and looping and lopsided and loosely defined and confoundingly confined. Tell me this, is 'Coke' the real last name of the cocaine drug lord Robin Hood of Kingston Jamaica and one way he has maintained power is by handing out sandwiches and hospitals?
758: I just saw someone who looks just like my son's father-in-law, but when he looked at me only one of us was surprised, unless of course, he was thinking the exact same thing about me, but that sort of event rarely occurs on Mondays.
757: I had not eaten at Popeye's in a very long time and couldn't remember why. The substandard chicken in today's jambalaya was the first clue and the second was the 2 inch chicken bone that showed up on my 1 inch spoon for which my throat has a zero tolerance level of acceptability.
756: First blooms happening for the tomato and okra, with both peppers, red bell and jalapeno, having hanging fruit.
755: I heard a rumor there is freshly cut pineapple at my house. Time to explore a frig with a fork to find a treat!
754: I think I'm going to faint OR I proof I have entered a parallel universe OR I'm dreaming: My wife just uttered these words "I think I like your soup" - a gumbo ! - Children, your mother actually said that about a gumbo !!! AND here is the other olfactory modern minor miracle: She prepared it for me! (Well, the vent hood was running at the time as well, so that probably helped)
753: I saw this declaration today: "Williamsport, PA once had more millionaires per-capita than anywhere in the world." I find this to be a rather dubious claim. I tend to think that depends on how you define the word "anywhere". 'This country', 'this state', 'this city', 'this neighborhood', 'this room', 'this moment' ....... ... .. .
752: I stopped for a break in the shade while mowing my front lawn and turn the mower around facing south. At that same moment a black cat crosses in front of me three yards away (houses) in my line of sight. Does that count for any theoretical partial degree of bad luck on my part, or because I have the lawn mower, a weapon of grass destruction, bad luck for the cat?
751: Do you remember that scene from the motion picture Con-Air where the dead body falls from the plane with the secret message from Cameron Pogue and lands on the car at the intersection just as it is fixing to take off? The instru-mental music from that scene is playing in my mind this morning.
750: I wonder if my dog understands my use of pronouns?
749: Now that I kicked my black shoes off and just sitting here in my white socks on the back step, I realized I look kinda like a Texas state flag, well after (YUCK!!!!!) being licked on the lips by a very happy dog and walked on by the same beast, a dirty wet Texas state flag.
748: Gee, today I noticed that the only difference between aspirin and aspiring is a 'g'.
747: From CNN: "The White House promises enhanced security to keep out the uninvited" - This was a reference to the 2nd state dinner for the protection of the Mexican president while at the White House, not a reference to securing our borders from illegal aliens.
746: I smile. A lot.
&^)
Chicken & Dumplings & Chicken for break-fast slow-ly sim-mer-ing
745: I noticed that tomorrow would have been my 30th anniversary at work which would have given me 6 weeks of vacation per year, instead of my current 52 weeks.
744: Being an an-i-mal whisperer is fun. I have a pet dog, a pet wife, and most recently a pet praying mantis.
743: I wanted to try the new Object A at Taco Bell along with my favorite carbonated beverage Object B but it was going to cost more than getting their Triple Combo that has Object C, which I detest. So I agreed as long as they promised to give away my extraneous Object C to the next poor person that came into Taco Bell. (Then I thought that could usually just be the next customer.)
I also requested no yuck-ah-molie sauce. So it pays to stalk me, especially if you are hungry. And like yuck-ah-molie.
742: What a day! So many robots to repair and so little time ....
741: As I am dying from hypothermia in the middle of the night because someone has too many fans running in the bedroom, this will be the last thing I see.
740: I think it is okay to ride a motorcycle, IF you never exceed 10 mph, AND you always stay at least 100 yards away from every other human and vehicle on the planet, AND you install an injection seat from a decommisioned jet fighter aircraft AND wear the appropriate safety gear for the injection seat.
739: I think we have a basic right to expect honesty in dealing with government. It is wrong for the government to offer amnesty by direct invitation to a select group of people and then use that merely as a ruse to lure people to be arrested and reincarcerated.
The government at all levels expects and demands honesty and truthfulness on the part of citizens with fines and incarceration as a penalty for failure to comply. The Department of Corrections of the State of California should act accordingly and they have crossed the line of it being a 'sting operation' by offering amnesty. I haven't fully examined their claims of saving the tax payers money just yet, but as a preliminary reminder, ends do not justify means, and we have a huge body of law that explains and provides for proper course of action.
738: I am wondering when they are going to rename the 'Gulf of Mexico' to the 'Engulfed of Mexico'
737: You know your high deaf-ignition TV is working well when the man in the movie on the screen bangs on the side of the metal building and your sleeping dog in real life wakes up, getting upset and begins barking.
736: I think boycott is a slippery path to activist mob rule. A primary tenent of democracy is one person one vote. Boycott seems to want to use the freedom of expression, assembly and action while upsetting the one-to-one ratio of representation.
735: Time to wander in some light rain
734: These aren't bifocals, they're try-focals.
733: Yea!!! Police dogs in Oklahoma are getting bullet proof vests. This makes me very happy especially after the terrorist shoot out in Detroit and canine death.
732: Dear NYCNY Police Department: There is a gas can in the back of our pickup. Please don't blow out any of the windows trying to get to it. I also promise not to park the truck in your city. Ever.
731: Uh-Oh, I think I just saw Obama and Pelosi kissing in public and people were clapping in the audience, and with it now being in the middle of the night, CBS news is just re-re-re-cycling through a handful of stories. At least I have a whole new set of lyrics gelling in my mind for the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"
730: A miracle has happened in Shoe-dom: My new pair of New Balance MX-622-AB has the shoe laces strung correctly from the factory just the way I like them with the lace coming in from the outside on top. Joy. ЯR ЯR ЯR ЯR ЯR
[A friend asked if I could spell 'obsessive compulsive']
My response: I can, but don't. OCD? No, OCO - Obsessive Compulsive Order (not DISorder) - besides, OCO is the same front-to-back, back-to-front, prettier. Organic Chemists like symmetry. [Smile, wink, giggle]
[… the same friend responded: I rest my case Judge!]
729: I think some people stay married purely for the entertainment value.
[My sister responded negatively with doubts]
My response: My main fun key funky function in life is a humorist and I just pass along some (and thankfully not all) of the thoughts that be-bop through my brain in hopefully an entertaining manner. There is typically a fine mix of dumb with wisdom, stirred and not shaken.
728: Based on the number of people who get automagically stripped from my followers list in Twitter, I am starting to get serious doubts about it
727: Iran: a nation clearly hell-bent on a subterfuge ruse through the use of a nuclear enrichment centrifuge
726: My waitress just sneezed and then quickly said, "Bless me"
725: I noticed a color similarity: Iron Man could fill in for Lobster Man, but could be easily defeated by hot bubbly boiling water and warm butter.
724: Oh, my, LOL, I just heard an Amarillo TX weatherman pronounce 'Yucatan Peninsula' with an initial sound of YUCK
723: I love it when the weatherman is wrong - come on cumulo clouds, you're almost here, almost, come on, RAIN !
722: Here is some proof I need help. Not sure which kind, mental or charm school. As I was dragging/carrying an armload of something to the washing machine, I accidentally knocked a piece of cardboard off the table. I apologized in an automatic manner with an "excuse me". What made it such a worthless endevour is that I was fixing to throw it away.
721: If you got a prescription for medical marijauna for joint pain but then after you smoke it for a long time and get lung problems, isn't that just a new form of joint pain?
720: MEG - My new nickname, the latest one, for My Wifey. It stands for "My Evil Genius" She laughed and loved it (You had to be there to understand and appreciate.) I asked her, "Well, what are we going to do today, Brain?" she had to be prompted to say "The same thing we do every day Ernie", she said, "What's that?" I continued, "Try to take over the world" NARF!!! (Hopefully this gets smoother; acting lessons maybe?)
719: Famous Last Words: "This 2 terabyte hard drive should last awhile"
718: It is important to properly distinguish between disease and dis ease
717: So, what happened with the weather? I need a report so I can get out of bed safely.
716: I discovered what caused my computer to literally crash - the heat sink and the fan for the microprocessor FELL OFF - that was the thud pop that I heard. It must have been held on all this time by the fortunately adhesive force of the heat sink compund. Thanks Gateway Computer for giving us a new diagnostic question for tech support: "When you shake your computer, does it rattle or BANG?"
715: "Name Non-Recognition" - I noticed someone running for office who has placards in lawns and billboards which emphasize a large BOLD last name with a tiny showing of the first name. The great part of American society is that practically anyone can run for political office. The sad part is when thieves do, people who have personally stole things from you.
714: BP has a large 4 story tall containment dome to put over the top of the ruptured deep-water pipe at the oil well site, which will allow the leaking oil to be sent to the surface to a collecting ship. I gave it a nickname: 'The Trojan Hose' - with visions of John Wayne from the 1968 movie about oil well fire fighters - 'Hell Fighters'.
713: New Oil-eans, News-weak magazine
712: Just checking around my house this morning to see if I have any long lost Picasso I can sell ... nope, no Picassos.
711: I tried to use a customer service telephone number just now obtained from connectmyphoneDOTcom so I could make a payment. I listened carefully to the choices and hit the "2" option for payments. But then it told me that it was unavailable to help me. I love phone robots. A real human would have been glad to help me knowing that I wanted to give "it" some money.
710: Today's wikipedia piece of furry confusion funny - I liked this title for an article:
"West African Dwarf (sheep)"
709: Our city gets a new Bennigan's but the menu looks chopped. Where's my chicken sandwich?
708: Why is the device driver for my HP printer 123 MEGAbytes big? Because it isn't really, there is most likely 122.5 MEGAbytes of Hewkard-Paclett fluff. [Strained smile - It automagically downloaded the version for a different operating system, thank you for wasting my time. The *correct* one is far smaller, but still massive "driver only" software at 41.9 MEGAbytes. Again, I suspect massive amounts of fluff. Just for spraying ink.]
707: I don't have one of those fancy loud whiny high pitched electric or gasoline powered air blowers to take care of my lawn debris. I have the atmosphere of the Texas Panhandle, almost always on the move. Thats why we have wind farms.
706: Today's Set of Empty Google Searchs:
a) "i want to be hugged by the Internet"
b) "Tall French People are stupid and invisible"
c) "My right big toe hurts why?"
b) "Tall French People are stupid and invisible"
c) "My right big toe hurts why?"
[Be sure to include quote marks around your Google search to have it look for an exact string of words. You have heard of abstract art, right? This is kinda like 'abstract writing'. I am having too much fun and silliness today too soon.
Time to find a treadmill and do some banking.
Oh, and feed the dog.
And me!]
705: Thank you, Lance Orton
704: spokeo.com is a web site full of personal misinformation. I haven't done the exact math yet, but probably half of the info is wrong, out of date, or the display is misleading. Free speech is one thing and should be supported to a reasonable proper distance. This doesn't seem to fall under that category. This is wicked-pedia.
703: NYCNY T-shirt vendors - you just never know what you are going to wake up to on a nice bright lovely spring Sunday morning with birds singing outside your window, a fresh warm cup of coffee in your hand, a dog whining, a spouse with wild morning hair, and then read about who gets to be the latest hero as a first line defender in the global war against terrorism. I am ready for my second cup.
702: There are federal laws enforced to keep states from seceding, and a bloody civil war as a result and reminder. There appear to be plenty of federal laws in place to keep states from succeeding, as well, when the federal government blatantly has failed in its basic duties.
701: I just kicked Abraham Lincoln in the head. He was just laying there in the parking lot as I walked by. He went rolling and flying but probably not in that order. So did some gravel. It was most likely an accident and he was metallic.
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