My Wife Discovers Me Sleeping With An Elephant And I Hadn't Even Noticed

Actually it was two elephants but it was dark and she didn't have her eyeglasses.

A few weeks ago before Thanksgiving I noticed that my wife's bedroom dresser was dustier than normal so I wiped it down while also vacuuming. I don't normally dust in my house but we have been terribly busy at our business so she has been doing less around the house.

I decided that I would make it my secondary minor main mission in life to always keep her dresser dust-free but never let her know about it, and see if she ever noticed. Then I would conjure up something to eXplain it.

About a week later she smiled at me asked if I had dusted her dresser. I insisted that I had not. I told her that I had warned the dust while I was vacuuming that they were neXt, but when I came back they had mysteriously left. She looked puzzled and I repeated my story adding a few more details but then she finally caught on and laughed while shaking her head.

So I dusted again yesterday.

I woke early this morning to noises in my bedroom of my wife leaving the room at 3 AM. I decided to have a cup of coffee and I asked my wife how she was doing on my way to the kitchen.

She asked me, "Why is the elephant in the bed?"

Of course I think that maybe she is asleep talking, insane or both.

I asked her what she meant, giggling.

She said she found the elephant figurine (which normally lives on the top side middle of the dresser) in the bed near my feet.

Not wishing to tell her that I had dusted yesterday, I responded, "The dust must have carried the elephants over there when they left yesterday." Now I have a mental picture of the dust as Hannibal's army crossing the Alps with their military elephants with the dresser as Carthage and my bed as Rome and the carpet as the Mediterranean Sea. Then I realize that would be backwards north and south.

She now thinks I am the one who is insane but I repeat my story leaving out the whole interesting Hannibalian military dust adventure but only make it about halfway when I tell her that, yes, I moved the elephants while dusting. But she is still groggy and doesn't understand this either or maybe I confused her with the elephants plural, so I have to repeat myself.

The second elephant is a baby about 40 percent as tall blended into and under the larger elephant. So luckily it didn't get broke during the dust exodus-t.

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I just wrote this holiday joke:

Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny were talking one day. The Easter Bunny said, "Does it ever bother you that most people get to have a middle name but we don't?"

Santa looks confused and tells him, "I thought 'Easter' was your middle name, The."

Misplaced Moose Ears, McRib Poem and More

I am printing some moose art for someone. The ears don't quite look right,  so I googled "moose head" and noticed several ears drawn improperly.

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If you are too chilly, just remember:

Its almost summer!

(In Chile)

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My wife was not amused by my answers to her question, "What should I wear to jury duty?"

I immediately responded with, "A tuxedo."

After negative feedback, my second try was a pair of overalls with suspenders, straw hat, and a corncob pipe, oh, yes, and sandals."

More negative feedback.

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We have a strange house activity. NCIS can be playing nearly aLL day, sometimes on both teleBisions, sometimes both muted, and I reaLLy don't watch it much any more. I wake to gunfire too often.

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A Yummy Sandwich:

Cold Turkey

Cold Oyster Dressing

Sauer Kraut

Freshly Sauteéd Onions Chopped

American Cheese

on Mrs Baird's Honey Wheat Bread with Miracle Whip and Mustard

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I just looked in a trash can 

And there see our eyes be?

An empty food container

Imprinted M-c-R-i-b

The drought is over ....

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While shopping on Black Friday:

"Ernie, I just saved 214 dollars!"

"That's okay, as long as it ends up in my pocket."

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The Otter Box (brand) protective cover for my iPhone is starting to deteriorate. I guess I should get an Outer Box for my Otter Box.

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I am talking to my wife about our Epson 4900 printer and she remarks, "That is the smartest thing you ever did was get that." I told her, "I thought the smartest decision I ever made to get something was to get you (?)" - she laughed, and said, "Yeah, that too!"

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The strange thing that happened to me on November 19th: Someone drove to my house, parked illegally in front of it, the driver got out and while looking straight at me, he threw his lit cigarette onto my winter brown dry lawn and proceeded to stomp twist extinguish it with his foot. I found this to be rather rude behavior.

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I tell Tamie that I hurt reaLLy bad, entire body, ache.

She asks me, "Have you taken some ibuprofen?"

I say, "I need heroine"

"You aren't taking heroin!"

(Notice my speLLing)

Dec Line Decline

If you would like to try a new form of relaxation, try drawing parallel lines free-hand. I enjoy it veRy much. I use an ordinary ball point ink pen. 

I use ordinary 8 1/2 x 11 copy machine paper.

I am working on duplicating the bar code from a bag of sugar. I wiLL let you know if it scans properly.

Try several pen-to-hand orientations and stroke direction, distance, pressure, and speed to see what works best for drawing your straightest lines.

Update: Try connecting sections together and measure the sections to try for a uniform spacing, repeatibility from design to design. Sometimes I make the ties between segments be a 2-to-1 ratio to give a sense of depth.

Update: Try Circles!!!

Update: Find your favorite gap! Mine appears to be close to 1/16 of an inch. I measured this eXample with 6.5 gaps per 3/8 of an inch which comes to 17 1/3 gaps per inch.

I also started working left handed. Not quite as pretty but it's coming along nicely.

So I think I wiLL work on trying to be repeatable at 1/16th of an inch

The Recent E

My wife's assistant asked me what sounded good for lunch. 

I replied, "Tiger with Mushroom Sauce?"

Her reply was, "I don't do mushrooms."

I laughed for ten minutes ... 

My assistant laughed harder but more brief than me. 

(I am not sure if she knows that she is my assistant)

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I walk in the door at MY place of business just as the UPS delivery lady is trying to squeeze through the same front door as me. My wife's assistant tells me, "Pops, she is here to take you away (they aLL giggle)" and without saying a word I turn around leaving the store as my wife semi-yells out, "Get your butt back in here!!!"

I tell the UPS lady what they told me and the UPS lady gives me her reply and grins. I walk back into the store 8 seconds later with my head down and fake eXtreme sadness. They ask me, "What, - they didn't want you? (more giggles)"

I reply, "No, worse, she said I was over her weight limit" - even more giggles - "I am going back to my office to commit suicide." - louder giggles mixed with groans.

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Someone commented about me wearing shorts on this cool Novembrrr day. I replied, "But these are my longer shorts."

(Well, they are a half inch longer than the shorter shorts. At least they protect my kneecaps.)

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I am driving home after a veRy long day and I crack up laughing.

Why? ... Chicken

I just realized that my wife told me she was going home to make a fried chicken dinner AND I realize this is going to be my fourth meal in this long day AND every meal was/is chicken based.

I wasn't sure if this has ever happened to me before. Deli chicken sandwich, chicken noodle soup, grilled chicken salad at Shannon's, and now fried chicken.

Luckily pork chops prevailed and The Wife had changed her mind before I got home.

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Is it appropriate to teLL your jar of sauer kraut, "I love you" ? (I whispered it so Cooper or Tamie would not be jealous.)

My typical sandwich:

Deli Turkey, Mesquite Smoked

Mrs Baird Honey Wheat Bread with Miracle Whip

Sauer Kraut

Sliced Tomatoes

Pepper Jack Cheese

Boar's Head Brand Smoked Gouda Cheese

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The title of this post was s'pposed to be 'The Recent Me' -  but my reäl keyboard ied and the on-screen eybord is unrliable. 

Repaired:
The title of this post was s'pposed to be 'The Recent Me' -  but my real keyboard died and the on-screen keybord is unreliable.

My Timing Is Forty Percent Off

I go to the groc store to buy one primary thing: a buffalo steak for a soup

I get there and find none. NormaLLy there is a bin of ten.

I ask the meat market professional about the steaks. He said, "Well, they were starting to get old so I marked them 40% off and they all sold yesterday. We'll have more back in stock probably on Monday."

Of course they wiLL be regular price. If they would sell them at a reasonable price they would never get old. They are vacuum pack sealed and last a long time.

When I got back to my truck I did find a surprise in the parking lot. Someone had lost their pair of pliers. They are still functional. So the morning was not a total loss.

Ethiopian Reader, Who Are You?

I noticed today that I got 20 blog hits from Ethiopia. I rarely get African readers. Who are you? Share your eXperience of The Ernest. 

 I am veRy frustrated because iOS version 7 on Apple iPad seems to have giant flaws. I keep having to teLL the bank that I have a private connection. Popup blocking seems to work BACKWARDS. I dare not let my battery run down OR it seems impossible to get my display locked back in landscape mode. AND ... You would think that the folks (I wanted to say IDIOTs) at Apple would have figured out by now how to save something as simple as ScREEN OrIeNtATIOn between power recharging, but No! The idiots in Cupertino are just big giant idiots, too bad some of them work at Apple. And you have totaLLy screwed up something so I can't edit my blog from my iPad, screen cursor repositioning is a TOTAL failure. What is up MORONS!!! I live on my iPad as do 113 bazillion other iPad-inoids, how dare you screw up my daily life, you idoit damn morons!

On the bright side of things I am thinking about buying a laser ...............

Barking Bad

My wife was feeling bad in moderate pain talking to herself about herself. She was not enjoying the process. Then she noticed that Cooper was standing at the doorway to the room imitatingly repeating fairly much the same vocal patterns that she was making. Of course I miss aLL of this performance of empathy pain pet performance but I can clearly imagine it.

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I got our second silk screen printing press assembled so now we wiLL start experimenting with CMYK designs on darker fabrics. The inkjet photoprinter arrived yesterday and is monstrous in size to me, up to 17 inch wide material by sheet or roll, so I am getting that thing figured out. The day before that we made our final decision on an industrial embroidery machine, so that process is beginning. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is going to be my main toy to manage and tinker with for quite awhile. And just how am I going to sneak in a vacation to southeastern Oklahoma anytime soon at this rate?!?!?

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Looks like I made it back from South Dakota with good timing. Several parts where I was traveling recently now have a couple feet of snow. I think my F-350 would have done okay but I might have needed chains on the tires.

Blogger Failing Again In Several Ways

I am eXperiencing problems with Blogger again with logins. I am being forced to login way too often. Add this to the other recent development that their editor doesn't work with the latest version of iOS 7 for repositioning the cursor or performing the 'select' functionality. It also messed up the publishing date on a recent post.

Breaking Bad Mistake 5-13 & 5-14

I noticed something wrong in the gun battle between the end of episode 5-13 "To'hajiilee" and the continuation in episode 5-14 "Ozymandias".

Walt is in handcuffs in the backseat of Hank's vehicle when the gun battle starts and in the process of falling out of the seat into the floor board his eyeglasses come off. When the shooting stops in episode 5-14 Walt has his glasses back on, but no one could have helped him. His hands were handcuffed behind his back.

Let The Corruption Begin Early and Often

I found out that one of my best friends may run for election to fill a lower level judge job. I told her, "Great! I should start committing crimes and bribing you, what sort of kick back wiLL you need to throw out my charges?"

She replied that the position handled misdemeanors and laughed.

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Elsewhere in faux news, aLL of the locations in the state of Colorado for the company "Pottery Barn" are being renovated to take advantage of recent legal changes. They wiLL be rebranded as "Pot Tree Barn" stores.

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I was wondering where my iPad was located and then found it under the pillow that was under my head. I couldn't believe that I had left it at work three nights in a row. That just teLLs you how busy I have been if I left my beloved iPad somewhere. But three days is ridiculous. Luckily my wife had brought it home. 

iOS 7 Breaking Things Badly

It appears that operating system upgrade version 7 to iOS on my iPad has messed up editing in Blogger. The cursor is veRy difficult to impossible to reposition while in HTML mode, and the WYSIWYG version has never worked properly so I guess I should try that neXt .... Nope, that stiLL doesn't work. I saw a report yesterday that Apple is not allowing downgrades from version 7 back to 6, and even forcing some devices to upgrade to 7.

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On the brighter side of things I am learning Spanish this morning from the bilingual instructions from the side of my Folgers Instant Coffee. I learned my former boss' name sounds like the word for crystal. He was a gem, a veRy brilliant man, so that fits weLL.

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There is a Breaking Bad marathon going from Wednesday evening until Sunday evening culminating with the series finale. All 62 episodes in a row, with some chunks of time to allow people to sleep. So it isn't quite a complete marathon in the way, imagining that runners in the New York Marathon stop for a little naps, hah. ActuaLLy it is faster to watch episodes on Netflix where the first 4 1/2 seasons are available without commercials. 

I don't plan to watch the marathon because I have already seen the entire series at least 4 times completely in a row. But I do plan on having at least one of my teleBisions tuned to the AMC channel for the entire time just for the heck of it. Ouch! Something just stung me in the side, right side about at the appendix level. The great outdoors is attacking me today.

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I am getting a nice printer to do fine photography prints, just not sure which model yet. Probably get an Epson.

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I just heard Steven Colbert say that he has never written fiction. Among a constant stream of things that come out of his mouth, that is probably the most inaccurate thing he has ever spouted. 

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I forgot the thing that I was going to put right here. If and when I think of it, I wiLL come back and put it in place.

Ahhhh! Now I remember! I have a new hobby. I saw a teleBision commercial for Dyson vacuum cleaners, and heard the voice of Mr Dyson, and decided to work on mimicing his sound. Not aLL the time, of course, just when I have vacuum thoughts.

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I just noticed that the AMC channel has a count-down timer in the lower right side of the screen to let you know how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds until the final episode of Breaking Bad.

I found the choices of teleBision ads interesting for Breaking Bad. I just saw an ad for electronic cigarettes called Blu. Then there was a beer in a blue bottle. These tie in nicely with the color of Walt's product. Being an organic chemist I am interested in such things as why his product would be blue considering an eXtremely pure version of methamphetamine is clear. This is ironic as I just watched pieces of my favorite episode about the fly getting in the lab and Walt going crazy during his grand battle with The Insect. 

Other commercials: Ford has a car ad with a vehicle that is similar to Walt's big black car.

My favorite commercial? The Dentyne ICE chewing gum - yes, its blue too, of course. Ice is a street name for methamphetamine.

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I had recently purchased matching coffee cups for my wife and myself. They slowly migrated from the house to the business downtown. I veRy carefuLLy put my cup in a special spot by my desk thinking, incorrectly, it wiLL be nice and safe there in my own office.

But no, someone, not the wife, decides to help me clean my office and grabs the cup with a couple old Dr Pepper cans and a styrofoam coffee cup, and most likely threw them aLL away. I had paid about $4 each for those cups. They were eXtra large, slightly imperfectly irregular, and just the right, almost my favorite, color. Sad. Perfect for coffee. Gone, I think. I have searched quite eXtensively, with no luck.

I wiLL have to check to see if the groc store has more and buy more so that we can always have our "two" cups and replace lost ones from my secret stash one at a time.

Ah, romance.

UPDATE: I found my coffee cup in the dumpster in the alley behind our business.

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Something bothers me about the final season of Breaking Bad. It's the raw material methyl amine. They go to elaborate plots and schemes and story conflicts about securing a source for their raw material.

But if Walt is such a great chemist, why didn't he just make his own methyl amine? It's a relatively small organic chemical. The Chinese are making it in bulk in the show and shipping it by simple drums and rail car. 

I'm Sorry (But Only In A Virtual Manner)

I had a dream last night that I stole my number 3 sister's car for a few minutes. A very old mint condition Chevrolet Corvette. I took it for a ride, then returned it to its garage.

In reality this sister doesn't own a Corvette nor has she ever.

So today I caLLed her to teLL her about the dream and to apologize for stealing her car. Her response was pure laughter.

But in reality she never answered the phone caLL nor did she caLL me back, so our conversation, my apology, the pure laughter, was solely contained in my brain while driving south alone at 75 mph in the middle of Nowhere Texas. But it was her voice, my memory of her laughter, that responded to my story, my dream, in my head.

Unless she reads this and figures out that she was the sister, she wiLL never know about this or what color her Corvette was.

Blue, a light shade.

UPDATE: I tried a few days later - stiLL no response. So I caLLed sister number 2 and asked her to pass along my apology to sister number 3. She laughed and said she would teLL her my dream and apology.

Only Sixty Cents

"What time is it?"

"3:36" (unspoken AM)

Pause

"I was thinking of getting rid of you. A guy came through town and offered me $37.40, but I said I have too much money tied up in you, I reaLLy need $38. But he wouldn't budge off his price, got back on his horse and rode away."

Sarcastic "ha-ha" with weLL voiced hyphen response.

"I'm firsty"

"Me too, my cup is sitting right there"

I made us both decaf coffee, Folgers coffee bags, green.

You use firsty when your throat is too parched to say thirsty.

Cooper got a bowl fiLLed with ice then topped off with cold water.

I couldn't believe how cloudy it got yesterday without a drop of rain faLLing. The morning sky is dark and clear and cool, the piece of moon tiny long sliver long gone, just stars, no sound, no insects.

I love September in Texas.

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I get two bags of grapes at the store. The store signs say they are white grapes and red grapes, but their packages have nothing and black for their labels but in my kitchen light they are definitely a pale green and a dark purple.

I eat my grapes in a 50:50 ratio, a pair of dark and light, same order throughout the eating process.

I freeze them for a few minutes right before eating, MmMmMmMmMm...

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The Navajo Nation (Navajo: Naabeehó Bináhásdzo) is a semi-autonomous Native American-governed territory covering 27,425 square miles (71,000 km2), occupying portions of northeastern Arizona, southeastern Utah, and northwestern New Mexico. It is the largest land area assigned primarily to a Native American jurisdiction within the United States.

That means its larger than the ten smallest states individually. And, it is about the size of the five smallest states New Hampshire, New Jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, and Rhode Island combined.

I wondered why the sales tax on my meal was so high in Shiprock New Mexico. I was told the Navaho had started collecting some of the sales tax. With sales tax and casino earnings it shouldn't take them too long to buy back the entire country, from the Chinese.

New South Wyoming

I have recently started watching a teleBision program caLLed "Longmire". It is about a sheriff in Wyoming based on a character and series of books by author Craig Johnson.

I probably have a stronger than normal interest in the show because I have spent some time in Wyoming but never lived there. I lived several years in the neighboring South Dakota just a few miles away from the Wyoming line.

After watching the show for several weeks I sudenly discover that Longmire is actuaLLy filmed in New Mexico, not Wyoming! The state of New Mexico looks veRy similar to Wyoming. New Mexico also has a growing film and teleBision production infrastructure. 

I am not sure if it helps that Wyoming and New Mexico are both rectangularly shaped, Wyoming nearly perfect, while New Mexico has several minor misshape mistakes. Wyoming was supposed to be perfectly rectangular along lines of latitude and longitude, but the surveyors got off a bit in the rugged landscape in the northwest part.

So imagine my surprise when I see an advertisement on the A&E Channel for winning a trip to Longmire Country - and I wonder - which one? Old Wyoming or New Wyomexingico?

I went online to the Longmire website and the trip is to the real Wyoming, the Goosewing Ranch in Jackson Hole Wyoming.  Link: Longmire Best of The West Sweepstakes 

The first season of Longmire is currently available on Netflix.

Right now my body hurts from TOO much carpentry work and I plan to be on vacation sometime soon with the real Wyoming as part of my destination. I have already been to the state of South Wyoming, oops, I mean New Mexico, earlier this year for my "Breaking Bad" vacation. I took a few photos of Walter White's house in Albuquerque, but I messed up my schedule and didn't make it to Jesse Pinkman's house. The best part of Albuquerque is two restaurants: Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen and Fuddruckers

Fuddruckers has the best buffalo burger on the planet - I had TWO in the same day, a day I won't forget until mental illness erases it in 40 some years.

Pappadeaux's has a wonderful thing caLLed étouffée, and I get a mixture of shrimp and crawfish. You have to ask for the dual meat mix, I don't believe it is officially on the menu.

My June journey to and throughout Albuquerque was the first time I used a turn-by-turn voice based computer navigation system. I used mapping on my iPhone. There were veRy few mistakes from the system and it would constantly try to reroute me when I made a wrong turn, how cool. 

As I am sitting in Pappadeaux's getting ready to eat I make the grand decision: The neXt time I move the city must have a Pappadeaux Restaurant. 

So I ask my hand held wonder Apple device for the location of all Pappadeaux restaurants ...AND... it teLLs me there are NO Pappadeaux restaurants near my location WHILE I am actuaLLy sitting INSIDE a Pappadeaux restaurant. This makes me laugh a bunch. I love it when technology screws up so gloriously funny (and no one dies). Remember that the Apple device has already just led me to this current Pappadeaux. Having expensive wonderful food nearby that someone else is buying for my birthday meal helps, too. I don't know how, it just does. It's a Wyoming seafood mystery birthday miracle. 

That reminds me, I must look for buffalo to eat while wandering soon through real Wyoming.

Somewhere Between 60 and 80,000

Today I saw this in Wikipedia's "On This Day" segment:

1819 – Fifteen people were killed and 400–700 others were injured when cavalry charged into a crowd of about 60–80,000 who were gathered at St Peter's Field, Manchester, England, to demand the reform of parliamentary representation.

That seems odd to me that the guess was approximated as between 60 and 80,000. Hmmm(?) - that's just such a huge scale difference! For instance, 2 raised to the 6th power is 64 and 2 raised to the 16th power is 65536. 

Imagine a square group of people. The square root of 60 is close to 8, so a crowd of people 8 wide and 8 deep is close to 60. The square root of 80,000 is almost 253, so a crowd of people 253 by 253.

This eight: xxxxxxxx

This is 253: 
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Everything above is just silliness because I am pretty sure they reaLLy meant between 60 thousand and 80 thousand.
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In other news closer to the home front I kiLLed a scorpion today and cooked somewhere between 80 and 60,000 grams of buffalo steak. The onion soup with buffalo broth is almost finshed, mmmmmm ....  Today I am trying the soup with crackers for the first time. Lately I have been making this soup about once a week.

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My favorite new show on teleBision is "Airplane Repo" on the Discovery Channel

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I tried caLLing someone on Sunday figuring they might be home. The person (an ex-relative) doesn't answer her phone. But she did send me a text message saying she was in a meeting and requested that I send her a text message detailing what I wanted. Of course she ALREADY knows what I want. I have already sent her a couple e-mails asking for her to clear up the outstanding business debt where she owes us about $1,000. We have been waiting patiently for about two years for her to clear this matter up. I also found out she had taken part of our inventory of products and put them in storage instead of returning them to us! I have no idea whether the products are stiLL in a sell-able condition. I doubt that one more text message is going to help. I guess I could ask the person in my family who is sending her child support payments to cough up my one thousand dollars. Its too bizarre. She claims her bag of money that had our payment in it was stolen from her. But of course that wasn't my problem, and its been about two years ago that this theft-burglary  supposedly happened. That's like about a dollar a day.

There Is A Small Probability That I Might Have Saved A Small Person

As I was leaving my neighborhood yesterday morning I stopped at the end of a westbound street and a young girl, maybe 5, was playing at the street corner, actually in the street. Alone.

I grew concerned and turned off my noisy diesel truck to talk to her. This girl looked a little too vulnerable, absolutely no one in sight at a normaLLy busy residential intersection.

From the cab of my truck I asked her if her momma knew she was playing in the street and where did she live.

She said "Yes, it was okay if she played in the street" and pointed east. I turned around to look then asked her, "Where the red pickup is?" and she shook her head yes.

Without saying anything else I put on the truck's four way flashers and started walking toward the house climbing the steep driveway. I think by this point the little barefooted girl realized she just might be in trouble for playing in the street. She came walking faster and zoomed around me in through the front door as I was knocking on the door twice.

I could hear a mumbled conversation inside the house, and then a disheveled just-woke-up mother appeared and as I was trying to eXplain the street situation she was suddenly on the floor struggling with a veRy happy bulldog who was eXcited to see me and trying to escape out the front door. The mother eXplained that the little girl should not have been alone and thanked me and introduced me to Lulu the bulldog. I remarked how just a few hours ago I had been doing an art project drawing a bulldog, the school mascot for Borger High School. I rarely meet bulldogs and this was the first time I had ever drawn one.

I returned to find my truck safely blinking, window down, keys stiLL in the ignition, and then it was off to the diner for breakfast.

The Pineapple Surprise

I found an interesting surprise in my pineapple plantation. My latest planting has sprouted what appears to be TWO swirls that wiLL produce two plants (fruit) instead of just one. This is the first time this has happened to me in probably 15 plants. I don't know how rarely this occurs.

A Computer Mouse, A Norse God, and Elmer's Gloo Walk Into A Taco Bell

This July and the first third of August have turned out to our best Spring in several years.

Where did aLL the rain come from and more importantly, what has been keeping it away so long?

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How I am celebrating my father's birthday this year: I am visiting the tiny town where he was born and spending time there. I don't remember ever being there, just close by. He has been gone a few years now.

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I am attending a party soon for my aunt's wedding anniversary. I realized by closeness in the number of years married and my age that I was most likely the youngest person in attendance at her wedding.

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I am eXcited about the final 8 episodes of Breaking Bad. I have studied this show extensively, watching the entire series at least four times, a few parts researched more than that. I love finding tiny technical errors in the shooting of scenes. I actuaLLy found an out-of-place cloud in the episode where Gus and Mike meet in the parking lot at the airport in season three, episode 4, "Green Light", about minutes 30 - 32.

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I have given up trying to get an electronic technician, chemist or computer scientist job. I am now focusing on an art career, mainly commercial. Buying lotza new toys for design and production of goods. We already have several people interested in buying things. It has been fun getting to work more with the wife as weLL. 

Yesterday evening as we were getting in the car she said, "I love You (ever so slight pause goes here) Tube." In case you missed a previous story that is our new form of siLLiness that she created several days ago.

I told her that 3 percent of me was severely suddenly disappointed, wanting to -cry-, eXpecting an honest "I love you" [after this last week of torture] but the other 97 percent of me was teLLing the 3 percent to "shut up, Namby Pamby Baby, wah, and enjoy the hilarity." She just laughed at this and hinted to eXpect more similar mental abuse.

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I am designing a wasp kiLLing machine that involves PVC pipe, a Dyson vacuum cleaner, and a garden hose. I like it that the vacuum cleaner has the "die" sound in its name, appropriate.

I am confused by the latest Dyson vacuum commercial claiming their vacuum cleaner has TWICE as much suction as other vacuum cleaners. I am not sure what that means eXactly. Pressure differential from atmospheric? Volume of air? I am confused.

Their web site mentions that it is a measure caLLed air watts. Of course my first response is AbbotCostelloishly, "What, errors?"

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It bothers me that I always type the word 'there' when I knew I wanted the word 'their' and I don't catch it until I proofread. I veRy clearly know the difference between the two words, and I live in a part of the country where most of us pronounce the two words differently. 

So maybe its an aging process thing. 

Ick.

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I hate my mouse, it is old and unreliable. I would try to make a joke that it has lost its logic but then I looked at the mouse and realized there is no C in the name Logitech immediately after the I. So the best I can say is that has lost its Logi, or borrow the C from the tech part of the name then you are left with "teh" which means nothing. A search on Logi reveals that LOGI is the stock market symbol for the company that manufactured the mouse. Wikipedia also teLLs me that Logi is the Norse fire giant, god and personification of fire. He was married to someone named Glöð. I think that would be a great name for a wife of anyone named Elmer. Then at dinner parties when someone asked, "Is that Elmer's wife?" you could respond, "Yes, that's Elmer's Gloo."

[I haven't written a Norse mythology based piece of humor in several weeks so that may not be as funny to you as it was to me. I think the anglicized version of her name is Glod instead of Gloo but when I first saw the öð part of her name I thought it was two strange O's. I know, I know, I shouldn't be eXplaining my humor but the sun hasn't come up yet today and I have been awake too long and I accidentaLLy ruined my wife's leftover Taco Bell food while I was trying to cook mine. The fine people at Taco Bell put the label wrappers on wrong.]

Now I am wondering how I combined a computer mouse, Norse mythology, Elmer's glue, and Taco Bell.

I need coffee.

Core Hell Draw - The $aga

A saga is a story that tends to sag 3/4 of the time.

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I purchased a piece of software for our budding printing business. It was CorelDRAW Graphics Suite X6.

The veRy neXt day I try to purchase a drawing pad from Wacom, their model Cintiq 13HD. It is a $999 item and the smallest one of 3 in a family of products. A thousand dollars is more than what I can reaLLy justify in my brain, but I impulsively want it anyway, its a business write-off. BUT ... when the item is OutOfStock at Wacom you can't purchase it and have them eventuaLLy send it to you.

BUT ... I look around and the wonderful folks at Corel have the same eXact item, Wacom's Cintiq 13HD for sale and it too is currently out of stock, BUT ... Corel wiLL let you purchase it and they teLL you there is a 4 to 8 week wait. So I purchase it the day after the software purchase.

THEN ... on the Monday at about the same time that my CorelDRAW software is being delivered by FedEx I get an e-mail from Corel thanking me for my purchase AND ... the fun part ... at the bottom of the e-mail is a coupon for 15 percent off my NEXT purchase at www.corel.com !!! And I am thinking, man, if I just would have waited a few days I could have saved $150.

So I try to contact Corel to see if they will apply the 15 percent off coupon that is clearly tied to the purchase order number of the finished software transaction. The veRy first try dealing with the online help chat room ends with a "Sorry, I can't help you with that online, but here is a toll free number then hit extension 5"

So I try this and the person I get teLLs me that I can't use the discount on the second order because it has already taken place. And then I ask him about cancelling the order which has clearly not been processed, and he says that if I do that it will invalidate the coupon, which I think is strange because the coupon is tied to the first order with absolutely no mention of the second pending order. He says he wiLL have someone caLL me back within one hour to try to help me further in this situation.

So I wait one hour and one minute. --- No call back

I call the same number with extension 5 and the person puts me on hold to try to see what can be done.

A few minutes later I hear a strange noise and I see my phone call has been dropped.

I think "pirate noise, make an ARRRGGH pirate noise ...."

I moan sadly and non-pirate disgustingly, and I start to calculate the value of my time per hour versus the $150 potential savings, and then I get my second wind and I am in this now strictly for the enter-strain-ment value if all else fails.

I caLL back Corel with extension 5 and eXplain the entire story in great detail to someone new and this person says to hold on while he chats with some people. Several minutes later he comes back and says that he has talked to THREE people (boss sounding titles) and they have told him that the coupon is only good for SOFTWARE from Corel, not an outside item like the Wacom tablet that they are reselling. I tell him that is NOT what the e-mail coupon says, nothing about software only, it clearly states it is for purchases made at www.corel.com website, period, no restrictions, which I had done. AND ... I pointed out the falsehood of their website saying that they had knocked $200 off the regular price yielding a $999 price, when over at the manufacturer's website the item is $999 - regular price. I then told him that I was also irritated that I now have lost a thousand dollars of purchasing power on my credit card for 4 to 8 weeks while I am waiting for the Cintiq 13HD to be eventuaLLy delivered.

So he apologizes and I hang up irritated.

That was Monday

.
.
.

Today is Thursday

I go to my credit card to pay the small single charge for a monthly item on bill pay for the business. BUT I notice that there isn't a thousand dollar purchase pending at Corel ... strange. There is nothing on the credit card website that eXplains what happened to my order.

So I log onto my account at Corel - sure enough the second order has been canceLLed! 

Hmmm, Um, My My, ... I don't remember teLLing them to cancel my order for my new toy.

I check my e-mail to see if there is any notification of this activity - nothing.

I look a little farther to find an email from Corel about a different product, the twice as expensive model Cintiq 22HD - a two thousand dollar beast - $2000 - ONLY .... wait for it 

- drum roLL please -

In this e-mail they are telling me that I have not finished purchasing the Cintiq 22HD and if I complete the order TODAY they will knock $200 off the price! 

Moment of Clarity: It was hard enough justifying $1000 for the 13 inch screen wonder, but nearly twice as much money, $1800 for the larger 22 inch beast, no way, I am not poor, but I reaLLy can't justify this eXpense at all. PLUS I don't remember ever putting the 22HD on the shopping cart at the Corel website (?)

But ... just for grins I decide to see if their new "coupon" works, and I click on the link that takes me to their website. It seems to work fine. I do not complete the order process.

So, this company is NOT willing to give me $150 off my purchase of the $999 unit, the thing I reaLLy want that they have somehow canceLLed, BUT they are willing to knock "more" money off the more eXpensive item that I don't want.

So I try again purchasing my Cintiq 13HD - and encounter something positively freaky. For some reason they have mysteriously knocked another 10% - $100 - off the price!

So altogether I think I have spent an eXtra 4 hours dealing with this order mess, and at $100 savings, that would mean $25 per hour. Not bad. 

Lets hope this order doesn't get mysteriously canceLLed.

For now (4-8 weeks) I can watch other people play with their Cintiq 13HD's on YouTube. 

I love YouTube. 

Update: ARR^RG_GGh!!! It is now Friday evening and I found out that my most recent purchase at Corel was CANCELLED!!!! I have caLLed  their customer support and I have been on hold for 39 minutes and 13 seconds (So Far) and the music is absolutely horrendous. I couldn't hold it to my ear and put it on speaker phone. I wiLL let you know how things turn out .... if I ever get to talk to anyone.

I also checked my e-mail and there was no notification from Corel that my order had been cancelled. And I already know that they can communicate by e-mail on that particular account from previous order activity.

Update: About a minute later I got a recorded message teLLing me there were no people there to help me, and to leave a message for them to get in touch with me later.

Update: On Monday a rep from Corel caLLed and attempted to fix the order in their system. So hopefully the order goes through, although he messed up the Bill To address. Hopefully it works this time. The rep also gave me FREE shipping by the fastest means FedEx which I thought was reaLLy nice.

The Lost Art of Vacuum Ing

So I get my windshield replaced in my Ford F-350 truck this week. I go to the eXtra eXpense of getting a windshield with the words "SUPER DUTY" in decal s'pposedly like the factory original.

But no. The lettering is crap. (Can I use the word crap in a G rated blog? Not sure. Lets change that to used food.) the lettering is used food. 

But I don't say anything about it as I am just glad to have the big crack gone on the driver's side AND more importantly I wanted the machine to pass the Texas imposed annual inspection.

But the windshield was replaced late in the day of the last day of the month July and so I didn't reaLLy eXpect them to put the old sticker on the new windshield. They did notice that my new state license for the window was laying in the seat and it was installed.

So I go to pay for the windshield and they teLL me it wiLL be ready after their person has a chance to vacuum my truck.

I ask, " Vacuum?"

And they told me they always vacuum.

Oh. I teLL them it's a work truck. Designed to be dirty. A lot.

So I return several hours later to find a vacuumed truck, BUT they have left the old safety inspection sticker on my middle console AND there is a bunch of icky dryed paint flake looking glue semi sticky stuff scattered about which spreads easily in the wind.

So I call my favorite mechanic to get an inspection the neXt day but he teLLs me that he thinks he doesn't have the current month (August) in stock yet. But then apologizes in the neXt breath to say he was out of motorcycles and he does have stickers for trucks and cars. So he teLLs me to come by later in the afternoon when his son comes back from lunch.

So the son has me go shopping while he finishes a starter job, which is just fine with me.

So ... because I am arriving on August ONE, I thought I was going to get an August sticker, but no, I wound up getting a July sticker! So it was like I got cheated out of a month's worth of sticker-ness. But that is okay. The son is an HVAC client so the neXt time I do something for him I wiLL just charge him an eXtra $1.21 - the value of one month out of twelve for the $14.50 that I paid.

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Today is new toy day. I got CorelDRAW Graphic Suite X6, AND best of aLL its a business eXpense. We are getting into the printing business. I put together the machine for doing silk screen printing this week along with some required carpentry work, which of course means even more new toys. Heavy duty jigsaw and a compound power mitre saw complete with a laser beam. Yes. I own a laser beam. It's just a pointer that shows where the saw blade is going to do its thing. 

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I like light bulb jokes. I heard a great one today:

How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: None. Vampires like it in the dark.

I came to the conclusion that if I could travel back in time it would be to Menlo Park NJ to the point in time right after Thomas Edison created the light bulb. Why did I choose that point? So I could then be the veRy first person to tell a change a light bulb joke!

And Thomas E would ask me, "You expect people to change their own light bulbs?!?!?"

And then Thomas E got reaLLy eXcited when I told him about the time travel machine.

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I am sitting at the shop and my wife is on my left side a few feet away turning ribbon into bows. She says something to me.

This is what I hear: "I love you, too"

I am puzzled because I know she is talking to me but those four words I love you too seem veRy disconnected from our current conversation. But there is a hair dryer going 5 feet to my right, so I am thinking "What?!?!?"

So I ask her, "Did you just say, "I love you, too?"

She cracks up laughing and says, "NO! I said, I love YouTube" - because she has been learning so many crafty ideas lately.

I found this terribly amusing.

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