Tom, Bill and Some Unhappy Lady Without A Name

I eventually went to the diner yesterday in a stage of exhaustion and hunger. I woke up from my nap after only a half hour when I wanted at least an hour. 

Then my wife called while I was stiLL lying in bed and asked if I could come back to work to handle a minor rush print job, to cut some vinyl lettering. It took me a bit before the bottom of my feet wanted to handle any pressure then after I sat down my knees didn't want me vertical. I woke up in eXtreme hunger like I had not eXperienced in ... No I couldn't remember ever being hungry to the point of wanting to cry. Bizarre. That thought at that moment 180'd my brain and I cracked up laughing. This probably confused Cooper. After a cup of coffee I finally made it out of the house. There was also a piece of toast followed by peanut butter on crackers.

But by the time I made it downtown the shirt order had vanished.

The customer had came back to our store after ordering the special printing and started complaining about the price and wanted us to do the work cheaper. My wife was busy with hair cutting clients and gave the money back. The customer implied that we were trying to steal from her! It was so unreal that it flabbergasted our employee to tears. The guy from the cable company witnessed the episode and said that was really strange, some customers are just so unreasonable, like they expect something for nothing.

So I decided to do a couple more shirts on my large embroidery order before going to the diner.

I was hoping that my favorite waitress Kandi was going to be back after taking several weeks off for the holiday season. So I was grateful to see her smiling face as she asked me if I needed my French fries and gave me a hug. There were several people that evening who told her that they were glad she was back.

I hurt enough that I needed a booth instead of sitting at the bar where I can watch teleBision and chat. Just as I sat down in walked Bill. He sat down at the booth across the aisle. He got Kandi to s'pposedly straighten out his seat before sitting down but I didn't see it move. Bill was unusually quiet.

Here is the Bill story.

Bill is a World War II Marine service vet who is most likely senile. He comes to the diner sometimes up to four times in a day and orders either a cup of coffee or coffee and a sandwich. The sandwich is always fried ham with mayonnaise on whole wheat which is cut in half and he always gets a to-go box because he eats just one half.

The owner of the diner finally found out what happens to the other half of the sandwiches after a policeman was in the diner playing pool in the back room and happened to see Bill. So he told the diner owner these details.

It seems that Bill was saving up the half sandwiches in their Styrofoam containers until they were good and moldy then he would take a bunch of them down to the police station to "donate" them to the fine men and women in blue.

It doesn't take the police department too long to ask him not to bring any more leftover sandwiches.

So then Bill decides to start visiting the police department to chat. After a few visits he is asked to not come back as they have work to do. I think, "This isn't Mayberry North Carolina, there is no Andy Taylor and Barney Fife". I have heard several of Bill's conversations at the diner and they are typically filled with improper and unpleasant words maybe half the time. The other half he is usually stone cold silent.

So if Bill can't donate sandwiches or chat at the police department he decides the next best thing to do is tail a police officer in his car. So Bill proceeds to follow a particular officer all over town. Finally the officer decides he has had enough of this behavior and pulls over to investigate. Sure enough Bill pulls in behind him.

The officer recognizes Bill and asked him what he is doing and after Bill's explanation he asked Bill to stop following him.

Bill responds angrily, "Well, you fat [four letter F word], you should join the Marines and get in shape!" - and then Bill hits the accelerator and zooms away sending gravel flying as the officer stands there probably relieved that that ended well.

So back to me eating my supper. I am starving so I order my veRy rarely ordered huge meal of shrimp, potato, toast and salad. I ask for a single slice of onion to have with my salad. I dice it up at the table with a steak knife.

But they don't send out a single slice, but half of a huge white onion. So I cut up just a slice and put it on my salad that is in a bowl that is too smaLL, so mixing the onion and then also crackers with Ranch dressing is a delicate, slow yet doable act.

So right in the middle of my eXpensive eXtensive multi-course meal with both cool and hot items that I don't wish to eat back at room temperature, there comes this strange voice saying, "Hey, Ernie" from a couple tables away behind me.

I recognize that it is the quirky voice of a bizarre person named Tom, a friend of Kandi. "Friend" may be the wrong word and "stalker" may be closer. But I am in the middle of my meal and I don't want a Tom interruption so I pretend I don't hear him and it works, he only says the Hey Ernie once and stays in his own seat.

I am almost finished and want to go home but then my wife calls and has me bring her something from the diner. So I am forced to sit there for a little while longer and aLL I want is sleep. I had forgot about Tom. The gigantic meal didn't even fiLL me up but I was at least ready for some back pain to go away. Besides, Cooper would soon need his evening cheese.

Just as I stood up to leave, Tom once again hollers at me, so I go over to see what he wants. He has a question for me. He asks me if I feel like wrestling some cattle, which I immediately transform into the correct word idea of rustling cattle, stealing them. Which is a veRy bizarre question to ask somebody, especiaLLy in public. EspeciaLLy someone you just barely know. I pretend I didn't understand him, because I reaLLy want him to say it again only louder and with more "clarity". So he says it again, yes, this guy is telling me this with a straight face, no sign of humor. I respond wearily, No, I don't want to rustle any cattle. And with a serious questioning face Tom asks, "Why not?"

I am thinking, I eat buffalo instead of beef, why would I want to steal some cattle? Besides, I am a city boy, at the moment, weLL, the last 51 years at least.

How do you respond to such nonsense? I just teLL him I am eXhausted and need to take my wife her supper before it gets too cold.

I am hoping that Tom and Bill don't show up in my dreams,  OR any cattle .... or angry shirt customers.

Its probably a good thing he didn't ask me if I wanted to steal a buffalo, in my weakened condition I might have said yes.

Me As Trees

A friend of mine posted a way of recycling your ashes so that your mineral remains get incorporated into a newly planted tree. So that gave me an idea for transforming one of my favorite poems, Trees by Joyce Kilmer. I had never thought about eventuaLLy becoming part of a tree, I am just planning on slowly becoming a rock in western South Dakota.

Me As Trees

by Ernest S B Boston

I think that I would like to be

An integral part of a tree

A tree that has grown up from the ground

Where my ashes could be found

So after a life of trouble and toil

The mineral me had become some soil

A bird could build her nest on me

And raise a family tiny and wee

When people ask how, you could show 'em

That parts of me are woody phloem!

So even if you are not really into this

I'll still be carrying on photosynthesis

As my magnesium atoms are a part of solar collection

I'm enjoying making an energetic connection

If you miss me and feel I need a hug

Just give my bark a great big tug

I guess perhaps the best eternal rest

Is being part of an evergreen for-ever-est

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog

Threads, Needles, Time Machines and My Tiny Buffalo

I had a dream where I was having a telephone conversation with my older sister, who lives 888 miles away in real life. She kept insisting loudly that she needs to come spend two weeks with me in order to get to know me better. I am veRy much against this idea and I am teLLing her veRy loudly. I don't want her to know me, I keep saying. 

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A friend asked me if I had anything to stop the wind. I replied: 

Me, arms outstretched I slow it a little.

A billion of me flapping our arms in a concerted manner might even reverse the wind direction. 

Each one of the me's has 'two' hands and arms. 

Each one of me represents a billionth, which has a math science expression of 'nano'. 

So this wind that the billion me's create would be called a: 

two-nano-me

Not to be confused with a tsunami

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Here is something bizarre about Amazon.com

I order some toe socks to wear with my Vibrams. I have never had problems in the past. This is probably my fourth time to order socks.

This order arrives one day late, possibly because it passed through the post office instead of UPS.

The socks arrive dirty! They appear to be new unworn socks, yet soiled.

I get an e-mail from Amazon asking about packaging for this exact order less than a day after it arrives.

I fill out their online survey about my problem. BUT ... at the end of the process I am informed that I don't have any recent orders that qualify for my information to be applicable. 

Big question mark in my brain.

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I am suspicious that the Post Office has a time machine. I got a notice from a thread supplier that my order was being shipped 3 hours ago, BUT the tracking information from the Post Office says that a shipping label WAS (past tense) created in Colorado at 3:23 PM Mountain Time, which is almost 4 hours from now in the FUTURE. This must have something to do with the String Theory in physics. If so, practicaLLy aLL my string for this order is a shade of pink.

To add to the time confusion part of the order is back-ordered.

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In FaceBook I posted this without eXplaining it was my dumb joke of the day:

Someone made a terrible mistake. I bought some hay to feed my buffalo and it was 85% needles.

A relative from Idaho asked if I really had a buffalo. 

I eXplained to her that it was just a "needle in a haystack joke", and no, my buffalo comes 1 pound at a time vacuum sealed from North Dakota.

So, Then What Day of the Week for Santa Claus?

I looked at my finger the other day and I thought, "How did I BURN my finger?!?!?" 

I looked at the 'burn' veRy carefuLLy and pondered its eXistence. Then I scraped it just a little around the edge and realized that it was not a burn ... It was a thin layer of dried cheese from where I had hand washed the inside of the cup that had held my spaghetti or chili.

I had been walking around in public with dried cheese on my finger.

Très Embarrassant

I thought, "What an interesting puzzle this would be for CSI folks trying to collect fingerprints."

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PracticaLLy aLL my favorite (i.e. only) fictional teleBisions shows start in Jan & Feb.

A commercial comes on for The Americans.

Me: "Yea, I now have a reason to go on living."

Wife: "WHAT ?!?!?"

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I saw that drones as a Christmas present are veRy popular this year.

I am probably the last person who needs a drone. 'Cause then I would have to buy a second one to have a hot spare, and then a third one to do mid-air refueling, and a fourth for ...

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My son walked into the bedroom carrying a piece of mail, saying, "I bet this is a Christmas Card, because it is addressed to:
Ernest, Tamie & Cooper Boston" 

I laughed and said, "I bet I know who it is from" I was right, one of my cousins from Nebraska, the younger one.

I told Cooper, "You got a Christmas Card!" (And a nice long wonderful letter) He wagged his tail and smiled.

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On teleBision at the diner: 

Thursday Night Football: Saturday Edition

Yes, tHat makEs perFect senSe ...

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I was looking for an interesting math problem, so I decided to calculate what day of the week Jesus was born. 

It was a Monday.

I was hoping for a "Son"-day.

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December 19th was a bad day. I needed to be in Texas, Oklahoma and South Dakota aLL at the same time.

I chose to stay put in Texas.

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Please eXcuse my temporary font mess. The blogger app and the Notepad in iPad are now doing goofy things when they try to work two-gether.

Oklahoma Shakes An Eighth

I noticed several earthquakes in Oklahoma in the past several days, some into the 4 magnitude. I get an email for each one at 3 or above for Oklahoma. So I made a prediction at 1 PM on Sunday that there would be an earthquake of at least 5 magnitude sometime within the next week. 

We will see how well I can predict earthquakes.

I gathered the world wide data for all earthquakes of magnitude 2.5 and greater. There were 1,416 quakes at that point, looking back 30 days. The state of Oklahoma had around one eighth of all the earthquakes in the world in that category. 

My Diet: Secret Weapon - Stevia !!!!

 I finaLLy decided to write about my new diet. 90 days ago I eliminated most of the sugar from my diet and aLL the coffee creamer. My cups of coffee had been liquid candy bars essentiaLLy. I found a new sweetener caLLed Stevia. It is not a man made chemical, but a plant extract. It appears to have had wide acceptance in Japan.

I now drink coffee that is about 1/3 strength and sweeten it with liquid Stevia. On the road I sometimes use powdered Stevia mixtures. I recently found a Hazelnut flavoring from Folgers.

I drink alot of ice water.

I have been able to eliminate aLL the regular Dr Pepper and sugar based soft drinks from my life, so my caffeine intake has been drasticaLLy reduced. I sleep much easier now. I have had a few diet carbonated beverages at restaurants, maybe a half dozen times, simply because Fuddruckers has the most amazing drink vending machines with diet fruit flavored ginger ale I can't find anywhere else.

I have been able to reduce my meal size down to tiny portions. I stiLL eat almost the same things as before. Steak - soups - pizza - hard boiled eggs - tiny deli sandwiches of chicken or turkey with pepper jack cheese - V8 juice - ham salad - turkey jerky. That is the vast majority of what I eat. 

I don't let my wife cook for me veRy often.

I never get veRy hungry. I go to the refrigerator and get a teaspoon fuLL of ham salad. I eat one or two pieces of pizza and then save the rest for tiny meals. I cook up a pound of sausage and or ground buffalo and then use it to invigorate my soups and pizza over about a four to five day period.

I wiLL get a single hard boiled egg and season it with black pepper, garlic powder and salt.

I make a sandwich from a single slice of wheat bread, deli meat and a slice of pepper jack cheese. I rarely use Miracle Whip anymore.

The brand of turkey jerky is Jack Link's. Look for a green, white and black package. Cooper loves it, too.

The brand of frozen pizza is Culinary Circle. I have tried many of their pizzas and they are consistly of high quality, and cook repeatably to the same type of crust. I eat about 3/8 of a pound of pizza per meal. We purchased the largest electric toaster oven at Wal-Mart so as not to heat up the whole house. It cooks pizza unevenly, so half way through the baking process I rotate the pizza 180 degrees, otherwise the side near the back of the oven wiLL be over cooked and the front side undercooked.

When I have soup I eat one cup measured into a bowl. I wiLL prepare a huge batch of gumbo that wiLL last me 5 to 6 bowls.

I love Progresso brand Split Pea soup with Ham. I add sausage to it, and split it into two portions.

I weigh myself several times a day to see the natural ups and downs of my weight.

I target losing one pound every four days. I keep exact track of the date I reach a new "pound off" goal. I always caLL my mother, too. Yes, siLLy me.

So far I have lost 27 pounds in 90 days, and I can honestly say it has been fun and enjoyable. I haven't lost any flavor. I am excited for the future, I can already see myself reaching my final goal.

I have been told that I can't expect to keep losing weight at this rate (1/4 pound per day). I wiLL make adjustments as needed. I think a 90 day track record gives me aLL the confidence I need.

Oh, I almost forgot, I have a huge plate of french fries about three times a week at the diner to make sure I don't lose weight too fast. My one concession to added sugar is I put some in my salsa to eat with chips, but I doubt that I have this even one time per week.

I have actuaLLy calculated what day in the distant future I expect to reach my static final goal, based on my current loss rate. It is how much I weighed when I got married.

Thank you Stevia. I wish they would give a Nobel Prize to whoever did significant work to bring this product to market against the evil competitors who tried to squash it.

I Hope So

I have a hard time understanding why the Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott was so upset that some Russian warships were in international waters off the coast of Australia while the G-20 Conference is being held.

It was reported that he was going to "physically confront Putin" about the issue. So ... I am wondering: Arm Wrestling, Boxing, or maybe a runway competition like in the movie 'Zoolander'?

Yes! I want to see the Zoolander scene again.

Question: Is David Bowie available?

I seem to recall the exact same thing happening with our navy when Obama went to Africa.

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Hope. In my mind there is veRy little room for hope of any kind. I don't waste my time hoping for things. I think its because I am a scientist and mathematician. I don't waste my emotional resources 'hoping' people or situations will change. I have lived such a long time and been through so much that I can predict the future way too many times with absolutely no effort. I have no special powers, I am just observant.

Comedy. That is what I love.

My wife, son and his dog are leaving the house on a journey. From the bedroom I hear her say they are leaving and why and for how long and when they will be back. I reply simply, "I hope so."

She responds in a serious voice, "What does that mean?"

I don't respond. I giggle slightly. I am thinking "Why do I have to explain myself to someone who has lived with me for several decades? Why do I have to explain 'hope' to a middle aged woman? Did my voice sound like I knew something sinister was up, or diabolically plotting your demise?" I giggle some more. 

I hope she gets me some petite diced tomatoes while she is gone. See how silly that sounds. I will text her so she actually might go get some. But if she doesn't my semi-complete batch of gumbo will just be delayed farther into the future. I hope.

I realized that the main times I hope for something is for someone else to get well.

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You begin to have doubts about your quality of life when you find a goathead sticker on the inside of your underwear. Luckily I found it before putting on the underwear.

Goathead stickers are terrible. Tribulus terrestris.

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In my dream I'm on a road trip with comedic actor Kevin Nealon, but he fell asleep while driving after only going five blocks. I desparately try to convince him to let me drive but he refuses. Finally I decide to ride in the back seat thinking I am less likely to die back there and I can throw things to hit him in the back of his head to keep him awake. (hah! The logic we have in our dreams.)

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Update: She never received my text message because she didn't bother to take her cell phone. No tomatoes, incomplete gumbo.

Y R

I wrote this recently in response to someone inducing me to be silly:

Why are there no y in wire but there are an r?

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_____f____o_g_____

___m___i________s____t___
___ok_to_brrrrrrr____

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In the middle of an embroidery job I accidentaLLy hit the Return button which cancels the current job, but it gives you a warning screen. You have to hit the Ok button to go ahead and cancel the job OR hit the Cancel button to cancel your cancel. I have messed up a few times with this particular screen, especiaLLy if the time is close to Tired Thirty PM.

Story 2: In the middle of an embroidery job I noticed that my bobbin winder is sounding older and slower than usual and my deadline is critical. I call my wife, "If I could have an early Christmas present, could you run to Walmart and get me another bobbin winder, it's like a $20 item. They close in less than 2 hours and I would hate to get slowed down if my old one broke."

So the new one arrives in a little while. Same exact brand and model eXcept the start button is red not green. BUT, it is broken! The tension device doesn't work AND the bobbin holder breaks the veRy first time I put one on it. Of course Wal-Mart has just closed by this time ...

Santa? What happened?

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I don't understand the logic behind why it takes so long to start using an iPad after the battery has been drained and then you have it plugged back into the wall. Other non-Apple devices will generally start working immediately as soon as either a battery is there OR AC power is available.

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Here is some silly: Campbell's makes a gumbo and a diet gumbo. One is 150 calories per serving and the other is 140.

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I don't remember who said this to me recently, but I found it amusing: "I think we have done a jillion bazillion of them, well, maybe not a jillion." (I think it was my wife)

Steak Tar Tar

Last night I wrote a practical joke INSIDE a dream. 

In the dream I am having dinner with two gentlemen at my house. My wife in the dream is some Japanese woman. She brings out a large frozen steak to the table on a plate and tells the guests that I can cook the steak in only 3 seconds.

One of the men exclaims, "that's impossible."

I replied, "Not if you cook it at 25,000 degrees."

We all laugh and the other man asks, "yes, but, Fahrenheit or Centigrade?"

I replied, "Does it really matter?" and we laugh again.

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Last Friday I was saying "... some agua ..." as part of a reminder of what to bring to work, but it came out "smog-gua". 

I thought, "smogua could be a Spanglish word for acid rain." But my water is destined for the Keurig machine, so it is going to be Keurigua.

Two new wet words in one incident, a bonus.

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Sept 24th: 

It's almost 9 PM and I think someone has opened a motorcycle repair shop neXt door or across the street from my bedroom.

Sounds of Anarchy.

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Strange Discovery: A towel can be an eXcellent fly swatter. I accidentally dropped a towel on a fly and killed it just now. I wasn't even trying.

I can teLL I am too tired, there were way too many typo's that I just corrected. If I missed any that is even more proof.

If I Had A Good Title It Would Be Right Here

Last night's dream: A rather large, but Dr Seuss looking, cactus was growing on top of my commercial building downtown. I should clarify that the cactus looked like something Dr Seuss would have drawn, not the good doctor himself. It was a difficult repair job. I even get tired in my dreams.

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I thought I heard my iPhone ringing in a distant room aNd actuaLLy got off my couch and walked two steps before I realized that it was the non-ringing device in my hands that I was playing HyperSudoku. There should be a name for this .... ... .. . besides eXhaustion from a 1,000 miles of driving.

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You must try HyperSudoku if you like Sudoku. It has 4 more defined 3x3 grids within the normal 9 grid gameplay.

http://www.puzzlemadness.co.uk/

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I should not have to wait until after someone passes away to find out they have a college degree in chemistry. If you are a chemist like me please let me know.

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(Sept 1st)

A day of many strange dreams. Dream number 2 involved aLL non-Indians mysteriously disappearing from South Dakota. Then everything of modern origin disappeared, eXcept highways. If non-Indians tried to enter they disappeared immediately after crossing the border. North Dakota wasn't affected. Perhaps it was the buffalo burger from Fuddrucker's that caused my dream....

I was so distraught when I woke up, thinking, "I can't ever go back to South Dakota!!!!"

Dream number 1 was a long conversation with my maternal grandfather, a South Dakotan. He has been gone a long time. He was the grandfather that I was close to from infancy.

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(While on the road to Ft Worth)

I sneezed just now in a fairly crowded convenience store. About 20 people were simultaneously trying to be louder than their neighbor in saying "Bless You!!!" to me not quite in unison, and when they realized it they started laughing. I sneeze, people laugh.

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My favorite lawyer wrote to me: Couldn't help but think of you at 5:30 am. Went out to my car and there were two praying mantises on it.

I responded: I put them there at 5:15

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Today's Dumb Joke - A Triple!

Q: What do cannibals use when they want to cook a boxer?

A: A George Foreman Grill

Q: What do cannibals use when they are really hungry?

A: A George Four Man Grill

Q: What do cannibals use for pit barbecue?

A: A Gorge Four Man Grill

Weigh Two Funny

I wrote: I haven't seen many people do the "scalding hot water challenge" for ALS yet.

My friend Tony asked: Many or any????

I replied: Anyone or Manyone. Polar bears do the cold water thing aLL the time, and I routinely boil chicken that has been frozen.

My favorite lawyer commented: I guess technically zero isn't many...

Then Tony asked: When you boil the chicken that has been frozen, is it a challenge, or has it been challenged, or is it just challenging?

My reply to my favorite lawyer: TechnicaLLy, speaking of temperature, 0 degrees Celcius is many degrees above Absolute Zero, 0 degrees Kelvin, 273.15 degrees. 0 degrees Fahrenheit is many degrees above Absolute Zero, 0 degrees Rankine, 459.67 on the R/F sized degree. 

So zero can be many in many ways.

Reply to friend Tony: Boiling chicken is neVer a challenge for me. I remember watching my grandmother kiLL a chicken once, and once was aLL I needed, so that would be a bit of a challenge.

My friend Tony replied: My Grandmother would take strips of cloth and tie the chickens legs to the clothes line. She would have four or five chickens hanging upside down. Then down the line she would go with her trusty butcher knife.

Reply to friend Tony: THaNKs for the visual, I wAs trYing to eAt somethIng, but now ....

My second reply to my favorite lawyer: You can tare an electronic balance so that it displays zero, but isn't, and then zero is many in several weighs, but stays the same amount of many. If you don't believe me, just ask you gram-ma. Oh, that was weigh two funny.

FinaLLy Tony asked: Are you loosing weight?

Reply to friend Tony: I am pretty sure that when people are not actuaLLy eating or drinking something they are constantly losing weight due to metabolic and respiratory processes. So I only spend a few seconds of any day actually increasing my weight in the process of eating or drinking, so the vast majority of the time I am losing weight. Its a calc-you-less problem.

Goodbye Mork

You spent decades making me laugh.

When I first saw you I knew you would be around for a long time.

You are the funniest person who ever lived, or will ever live.

My attempts at humor are just baby steps compared to your gigantic now empty shoes.

Now you are gone.

Today you made me cry.

Goodbye Robin

Battling Worms

If you like to cookie eXperiment, try putting peanut butter on a cookie, thin layer. Mmmm.... My choice is Cashew Sandies.

Cooper approves.

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Currently reading Craig Ferguson's memoir on becoming an American citizen. Enjoying, caution: has several choice words

American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot

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AMC is having a Breaking Bad 'binge', playing aLL the episodes in a row on Sundays with about 6 episodes per week. Today it starts at 4 PM Central Time.

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My wife is a bad person. I am sitting on edge of the kitchen eating a snack wanting to have a conversation. She is making soup but forgets to turn on the eXhaust fan. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by the toxic fumes of the jalapeño peppers on high flame of the back burner. I quickly decided I didn't need a conversation.

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I decided to take a break from Facebook for awhile. I left a status of simply the number zero: 0

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Just battling worms in my organic vineyard. Some grapes are getting edible!!! I brought in my first bunch of white seedless for my wife to try.

His Middle Name Is Love

Training a preying mantis in the vineyard yesterday.

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"Dad? Are you awake?", comes a quietly loud whisper as the bedroom door opens.

"Yes", I respond maintaining some sense of awakeness in my pain racked body under my blankie, two pillows low underhead with a third girding my belly while propping up my left elbow, my main enemy.

"Can I get the gas card? Also, mom wants a drink, do you need anything?"

I say, "I am in so much pain that I don't know what I want,"

He responds with one of his favorite questions, "Do you want a pony?"

I randomly pick a non-zero non-one single digit answer of, "Yes, actuaLLy I would like to have 3 ponies."

He suddenly laughes and says, "OH!!! I have to show you this video." So he spends several seconds finding the interview of Vermin Love Supreme during the Lesser Known Democratic Candidates Forum, at the New Hampshire Institute of Politics in which he talks about his platform of dental health care, zombies, and ponies for every American citizen while wearing a giant rubber boot for a hat. I laughed during most of the 5 minute long YouTube video.

I felt better for about 5 minutes then pain ramped drifted off to a blissful comatose state.

Evil Elves, Escobar Hippos and Ebola Dreams

A good place to cry
Is in the shower, 'cause your
Tears have company

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July 5th: Today was nothing but the kitchen sink.

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You know how some homes have cuckoo clocks that announce the hour change throughout the day? In my house the distant teleBision is tuned into an NCIS marathon, so it is the opening theme song.

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I go online to study electric motors at Fasco.com, and I try to download their brochure called "Fasco Facts". But I get a 404 error for all 3 language choices, which indicates they most likely have a misconfigured web page.

So I try to be helpful and send them a message through their website, and I get an automatic reply:

"This submission has been marked as spam. Please try again."

I am thinking, ...um..., "No !!!"

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I hate it when elves are stupid.

The Keebler Elves changed the packaging on my Cashew Sandies. This means they paid somebody, most likely another elf, to redesign a perfectly good package and increase the cost of my cookies. They didn't change the cookie, and they let me know that on both the top and side. Notice the font is twice as large for the first line as compared to the second in the notification. AND ... I most likely would not even noticed the change IF they hadn't told me because my old empty package is long gone bye-bye. SO ... the only real new thing I notice is the
NoN - Notification of Newness

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Advice: Do not study about the Ebola virus right before going to sleep. May affect dream(s) and / or waking up process.

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Funny Headline: Pablo Escobar [a dead drug kingpin, in case you have forgot] Keeps Hurting Colombia - With His Hippos

His Story of Iris History Is This

I have a rare talent. I just recognized Iris Dement's singing voice in the closing song in some movie credits.

After Fargo the tv show I started watching the Billy Bob Thornton movies on Netflix. The movie was "Daddy and Them" from 2001, so it was from 13 years ago that I didn't immediately recognize one of my favorite actors from [tv show] 'Justified', named Walton Goggins who plays Boyd Crowder.

I don't routinely listen to Iris Dement. I was first mesmerized after hearing her during the final song performed for the last episode of the tv show Northern Exposure titled 'Our Town' on July 26th, 1995. She has a veRy distinct voice, and wrote that song after passing through a small town in Oklahoma.

The only time I have been to Missouri was a day hunting for Iris. I had gone to Topeka KS to see Itzhak Perlman in concert, so I decided to wander through a piece of Missouri. I was unsuccessful at finding her; I was hoping for an autograph. I did get Itzhak's signature on my CD cover for my favorite album of his, which contained the same Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto in D Major that was performed. I think I was the last fan in line to get to see him that evening. He was sweaty and appeared exhausted.

The new thing I discovered in Missouri that day was deep fried turkey legs available as fast food. I did not actuaLLy get one. By 'discovered' that means I saw it on a sign out a few restaurants while driving by.

There Be Dragon(flie)s

I just realized I am not much of a man. I was just startled INdoors by a dragonfly. WeLL, considering it looked like a flying scorpion and after my scorpion battle this week AND it was a good sized dragonfly ....

... and it did sneak up behind me, right side.

Don't worry, I didn't kiLL it.

Break is over, back to mopping .... it is early Tuesday morning.

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I did the math and realized I have lived slightly longer than Hitler.

... and I am slightly older than Prince!!! I just discovered that ...

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Sandwich Idea:

Use 1/2 of a Schwan's Chicken Kiev, with a slice of pepper jack cheese on a burger bun with Miracle Whip. Tasty! Great for leftovers...

I recently found Miracle Whip with Olive Oil in a handy squeeze dispensor bottle.

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I am in crisis mood. I finished making my anchovy paste oyster sauce chicken chicken noodle soup only to discover that I am crackerless.

I survived, just barely, in parrot request distress, Ernie-wanna-cracker. In the end the soup tasted great and my younger son had provided me with my first ever "Vanilla Float" flavored Dr Pepper. The reason why there are two chickens in the soup description is because I used some left-over fried chicken middles and Cooper got the chicken piece outsides.

We were displeased to find out that Vanilla Float Dr Pepper is only going to be around for a short while. I suggested (to my son) the obtainment of a bottle of vanilla flavoring. But he told me it wouldn't be the same or maybe it was he had tried that already or some combination of those two [failures - ha]. I neXt suggested adding 40 parts per million milk to try getting the "float" part of the recipe figured out. 

Float Hopes.

The Goebbels Mistake

I was watching a documentary from readings of Joseph Goebbels diaries called The Goebbels Experiment today on Netflix. There were words across the screen for July 15, 1935 Saturday, and so I paused the screen to see if I could calculate that day of the week to confirm it was Saturday in my head. It took me a couple minutes (I am not a savant) but I was disturbed that I didn't get Saturday, but Monday. I even did the work twice.

So I asked Google and it confirmed it was a Monday.

Hmmm, I thought it was odd that someone keeping a diary would record the wrong day of the week. 

Maybe someone mistranslated the diary for the film, afterall, what I saw wasn't the actual diary, just the English words in a film. I didn't noticed any other references to days of the week in the movie.

I noticed that they used a font that looked "old", I think it is Courier, monospaced lettering, but I only have an iPad with me at the moment, so I will have to investigate it later.

Update: I was able to use a drawing app and select Courier.

I think the words on the screen match this Courier print I was able to do with my iPad drawing app:

Even though Courier is old, it was invented in 1955, ten years after Goebbels death.

Two Posts, One Day (I Might Be Dead Tomorrow)

From cryptogramcorner.org :

"I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable." - Ogden Nash

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Ouch.

Now why couldn'T I have gone The resT of my nice lil' peaceful life withouT geTT ing biT by a scorpion? Sucker goT me in The left fourTh Toe, but I goT him compleTely with a rubber malleT.

There was a red solo cup involved as a TransporT device To The eXecuTion chamber.

Scorpi-on, Scorpi-off.

So if I am sTiLL alive a few hours from now, I won.

I checked out the first aid treatment, I think I am okay. I am alternating an ice pack on it every ten minutes.

I caLLed my mommy to come kiss my boo-boo, but she is busy grocery shopping. -sigh-

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I am on day one of trying to go a month without playing Sudoku. So I am studying physics instead.

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On Tuesday I went to Wells Fargo to use my security box. I guess I hadn't used it in at least three years because before I could get in the box to get the item that wasn't even there, I found out the bill hadn't been paid in 3 years because the payments weren't setup that way. (?).

But the amount was higher than 3x55=165. THEN I found out they had been accumulating a late fee for non-payment that I knew nothing about. Wells Fargo sends me e-mails all the time! Why not this? So they can manage to charge me late fees but can't figure out how to just take the annual fee out of our account.

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Dumb Joke of The Day

Upon seeing my wife's empty box of cookies in the trash can, I ask her, "Do you know what they caLL the odors on the inside of your cookie box? ...pause... Nilla Vapors." She laughed slightly, so she either got the joke or she recognized that it was supposed to be a joke.

When I repeated the punchline I tried to slightly transform the p of vapors into the f of wafers.

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I see on teleBision some words under someone talking, "Breakthrough Discovery in Heart Disease". The volume is turned off. I am probably not interested because it most likely means they want me to stop eating something.

In more important news I look out my window at the tree branches moving slightly in the wind. After last night I am just glad to have a few branches left. I see a strange looking branch. Moments later it moves downward. It is a veRy large cat about 15 feet off the ground.

I Am The Weigh, The Truth, and I'm Not Lively

I just thought of two words with a similar meaning to 'thesaurus': asaurus and ansaurus

I was in definite surprise that they are not listed in my thesaurus.

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If you don't see me for awhile its because I am yam busy playing with our new oven. Nomnomn0mnomnornnOmnom ...

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United Supermarket in Borger has a great cookie from their bakery:
Macadamia Heaven Cookies

The best part is that my wife doesn't like them! More fer me 'n Cooper.

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Today my son just told me that yesterday he saw the movie 'Edge of Tomorrow'. Much better than 'Groundhog Day'. Much more violence. Lets see Bill Murray try to stop abuncha aliens. (His opinions)

I just now thought, Bill Murray did a pretty good job in 'Ghost Busters', so he might be a good candidate for alien control.

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I noticed that one of my grape vines has a built-in self-pruning feature. A new growth had wrapped around an old growth from last year, then in the process of being blown about by the wind the old brown branch had become detached yet still entangled ensnarled defeated by the next green generation. I left it hanging there mid-air to see what happens next.

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I wiLL soon be able to weigh tiny things and tinier things. I already have a balance that weighs objects upto 100 gm and receiving a 650 gm machine tomorrow. So if you are curious about your tiny and tinier things, I can help.

My Alternate Ending for Fargo

I think my second biggest fear is that my wife finds out that I'm reaLLy a robot.

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This is one of my younger son's favorite things to say about me to his mother in my presence: "I always had a feeling you didn't like good things, and now I know." He usuaLLy says it when I mention a new combination of foods and or sauces to eat together.

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I am having pain in my left elbow. My wife told me that it is probably arthritis. I told her its because she is making me work too much. Ouch-wife-is

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I thought they said it was going to be hot today. It's only 103 and they said it was going to be 104.

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Listening to the old men at the diner at breakfast today. One of them said, "When I first got married my wife was so young that on my way to work each morning I would drop her off at the day care center."

His voice carries and everyone in the room, the open area near the front of the diner, died laughing. I don't know who his wife is but I happen to have known his brother's wife and her sister for about twenty and thirty years but I have only known him for about a year.

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The nice thing about my wife getting a new iPad is that now I have a spare iPad.

I am hoping for an iPad soon that is iainmbanks-like, that hovers, is nuclear powered and has a weapons system.

The iPad Scare

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I heard the words "Chicken Fried Lobster" on teleBision and died laughing. It may be good, not sure, but it stiLL made me laugh.

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Spoiler Alert for Fargo the FX TV Series

Here is my ending for the season one of Fargo, which still has two episodes to go at this moment.

Gina Hess has Lester's baby without him knowing about it. One day in the distant future Lester, who has become more LorneMalvo-esque and an expert at insurance fraud, sees his son being tormented by his older Hess half-brothers (who know that Lester is the father) and rescues him by killing the Hess boys.

I Could Have Sworn That Was Your Wife

I just saw my wife fixing to sneeze. In a slightly louder commanding voice with my left index finger pointed at her, I proclaimed, "Sneeze!"

She was obedient.

It was a beautiful thing.

One of us laughed.

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Can you spell s-t-u-p-i-d? The national spelling bee declared two winners as a tie for first place because they ran out of words. Really? They really ran out of words on some official list. Like, um, maybe they didn't have time to find more words? Yes, that's probably it.

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Why did my dog come into the kitchen to complain just now? Because I had not quite made it into the livingroom to sit down beside him to drink my coffee so I could be there to watch him tackle his brand new chewbone.

There are priorities.

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I get a call from my favorite auto mechanic.

"The blower on your wife's car needs to be replaced."

I respond, "What? I didn't know anything about it."

He responds, "Is this Ernie?" (He has known me for at least twenty years.)

I respond yes, and then I ask what make of vehicle; I have a Mountaineer, black.

He responds, "No, this is a different car. I could have sworn that was your wife. Maybe it was a different 'Ernie'."

I ask him, "Do I still have to pay for the repair?" teasing him with a serious voice.

He responds with a no, and I hope he thought I was teasing him and I laughed, so maybe ....

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Spring is getting better. My grape vines appear to be going to give us some grapes this year. It has warmed up enough so the pineapple plantation can move outside. We are finally getting some rain, but way behind for a typical year.

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Just as I was falling asleep I get a strange question pop into my head: Is today Joseph Conrad's birthday?

Today is June 1st and Joseph Conrad's birthday was December 3rd, 1857. That is almost half a year off, I couldn't have been much more wrong than that.

Maybe I was thinking of a different Joseph Conrad.