One Summer Was OK

I remember getting dirty in OK(-lahoma) as a child. We lived there briefly when I was around seven as my mother finished her education for being a teacher.

I remember milk being delivered door-to-door, ordering chocolate milk with just a slip of paper!

I remember collecting tadpoles at my second cousin's place, a huge collection.

I remember his small fountain dispensor for Coca-Cola.

I remember learning about how graveyards "worked" for the first time and cried.

I remember watching my infant brother simultaneously enjoy eating watermelon and wiping out a diaper.

One summer, probably my eighth one.

---

My aunt asked me if I was writing a novel.

My response:

I am always writing something. I think this particular piece is my 316th blog post in 45 months, which doesn't include my 9 collections of 100 MySpace & Facebook status, with a few uncollected things as well. I really need to finish a poem called "Sam Sang A Song Into My Samsung Phone", but I have just been a little too busy during the last probably two years since I started and almost completed it, plus the rhyming patterns are very complex and Dr Seuss-like. At least I finally got the "Moonshine" episode published for my space alien alter ego novel-in-episodes put online recently, but still have a couple episodes floating in my head, including one where I reveal where Obama really was "born", as well as one 'complete' motion picture screenplay. And there is the musical called "Wahoo! Nebraska!" about a guy trying to write a musical about Wahoo, NE but he fails miserably at it and its really just about living in Texas and the adventures with his dog. I'm just busy selling [Vibram FiveFingers] shoes at the moment, but hopefully get to come to SoDak soon to see you.

How Apple Stole 692 iPads from Us

How terrible! Apple Inc told me what the dimensions were for my IPad screen and I was perfectly haPPy with things UNTIL just a few moments ago I noticed that the screen wasn't a perfect rectangle, it has rounded off CORNERS!

So if each iPad is missing maybe 8 pixels from each corner, that would be 32 per iPad so ... Hold it, I have to run off to get more info to comPlete this silly thought, be back in a moment ...

Info From Apple: 1024-by-768-pixel resolution at 132 pixels per inch (ppi) ... so that would be 786,432 pixels total per screen. So 32 lost or stolen pixels would mean there is a "missing" iPad for every (786432 divided by 32 = 24576) 24576 iPads that are produced. Now off to find how many iPads have been made ....

Missing: 692

It aPPears there are around 17 million iPads in the world aPProximately at this moment, so 17 million divided by 24576 = 692 (rounded off to a whole number) missing iPads based on stealing 32 pixels per screen. I chose the number 8 (per corner) because a corner pattern of 4,2,1,1 missing pixels was about the smallest that I could imagine that would give a rounded corner effect.

Example Using an X for Each Pixel:

X X X X.

X X.

X.

X.

I thought that a pattern of 2,1 wouldn't be as round. So I might be off on the number of pixels per corner, which would change the number of missing iPads. I may be able to create a simPle drawing to test the math. More later today when I can work from a real PC with Paint in order to draw at the pixel level, then pull it up on my iPad for a comParison.

I would have used a division sign of DOBOD, dot-over-bar-over-dot, instead of the words "divided by", but Apple Inc didn't provide one on their keyboard, just + - and * (for multiplication) .... well, I guess there is the "/" character available for division, sorry, my bad, forgot about that, oh well, just pretend this paragraph doesn't exist, like the corners of your screen.

I can hoPe that no one writes a serious story about any inaccuracies in my 2 AM silly story that under or over-estimates the number of The Missing iPads. Blame it on insomnia. I am pretty sure homeless peoPle are still a larger real problem and they need our helP more than The Mysteriously Missing 692 iPixel iPackages. So the next time you see a rounded corner on anything that should be square, give a dollar to the next homeless person that you meet. They could probably use a square meal.

Death By Cinnamon

> I <  am attempting to overdose on Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire Hard Candy. 

So far, its not working.

I have at least accomplished my sub-goal of 'welding' two pieces of candy together in my mouth!

Now adding a third piece ...>   <

Several seconds later ‎... DONE !!!

‎(sorry, no photos)

Uh-Oh, my tongue got too wild and it broke apart. Repair process initiATEd .....

Several seconds later ‎... done

(trust me, you don't wanna see photos)

From Friend Number One: My favorite flavor!

Response to Friend Number One: mine too ! It helps me stay on my "diet"

Friend Number Two said: "Ooo! YUM!"

WMT has them for $2.14 for a 13 oz (368 g) package. They were over twice as expenpensive at the groc store. Tamie likes them too. The last ingredient on the list is 'Sulfur Dioxide' - a poisonous gas! - with its stated use of 'to maintain freshness'.

Oops, sorry, got carried away typing 'expensive' in the previous paragraph, I had accidentally hit the C instead of V earlier and maybe retyped extra stuff as well. Headache land.

I dialed the 1-800-468-1714 phone number on the side of the bag hoping for a suicide help desk, but itz just customer service at JolRanLyCher, a division of Hershey's, and open only M-F, 9-4 EST, now, what kinda suicide hotline is that!!!! (just teasing, I didn't really dial the number - I just ate another piece of can-dy)

(Just in case you were confused, my feeble attempt at artwork >   < was supposed to be a piece of Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire candy with the > and < on the ends being the twisted plastic wrapper BUT the browser puts a funny line on top of the candy in certain Browsers like FireFox BUT it looks okay INSIDE the WYSIWYG editor of Blogger. Frustrating)

Jehoviah, Clean Up At Counter Number Four

Laughter finds me. Laughter defines me. Laughter hunts me down and tackles me and confines me in a hilarious twisted ball of pain, good momentary pain, sometimes, and I take down innocent victims with me in a whirlpool of fool swirl, and in this case, girls gasping for oxygen hanging on for some sense of verticality.

All the innocent victims of this true tale are female and young except me.

Blame it on dessert; blame it partially on a desert.

I am at the groc store at the end of an eXtra long and tiring day of noble accomplishments on a final mission, the sole purpose to find I Scream -only vanilla will do- for peach cobbler that is supposed to be baking at home.

I get to the checkout line with the ice cream plus a recharge of frozen cobbler for the future. Person A checks my items and Person J (not B - more later) asks me if I want paper or plastic, just as Person C walks up and tells Person J,

"You know what, I tried to find your name in -[something, maybe Facebook: I don't remember what it was that Person C was searching - the word got lost in the following mayhem, and it doesn't really matter] and I couldn't find it because I thought your name was Je-ho-vi-ah.", pronouncing it slowly.

Instantly the eyes of Person E (me), Person A twisting around, and Person J are tightly focused on J's name tag which she flips up to read for herself, her own name upside down as if she had forgotten who she was, and all three of us immediately realize that there is NO "H" -OR- "V" on the inside of Person J's real name in order to even generate the sounds for middle 'Jehoviah'.

Person J exclaims "WHAT?!?!?" and we all crack up laughing really hard, with Person J finally regaining a little composure to ask Person C "how on earth did you get 'Jehoviah' out of my name J_____h?" but before Person C could answer her, Person E (me) said,

"In the entire history of mankind no one has ever used the word 'Jehoviah' until just now, its been rolling around in her head (pointing at Person C) for awhile to be revealed in a Raiders Of The Lost Ark sort of way " - new round of laughter causes Person A to double over onto the checkout counter almost flipping onto the floor, exclaiming, "oh my stomach hurts so bad!" - Person E continues barely able to stand, noticing the person behind me in line, also female, is now lightly laughing too, "but there was that time about 4,000 years ago when the Jews were wandering around in the wilderness and when one of them would use the word 'Jehoviah' instead of [The Correct Form of The Word] someone would point at them" - and Person E (me) pointed his right index finger at Person J - "and would say, 'his throat is dry, QUICK!, get him a drink of water!" - which sent our now growing groaning group of laughterers spiraling out of control with Person J stumbling in circles clutching her abdomen, I just knew somebody was going to get fired for laughing too hard, - then Person E (me) finished, "but she [now pointing at Person C] has brought this Word back to us, and we thank you".

A fresh round of laughter and body gyrations with verbal pain moan complaints sends the group to grab hold of the nearest railing or railing equivalents for support as if a localized earthquake had struck our tiny part of the globe. It had. An L wave of Laughter.

I finally got my credit card to work, while we all slowly regained our composure in fits and starts and giggles, and Person J accompanied me to the exit door of the groc store trying to close down for the evening. She said, "I hope we made your day", laughing, handing me my sack of frozen goodies and Person E (still me) said, "Well, at least you learned how to properly mispronounce your name, Jehoviah, I mean, J_____h"

I coughed all the way home, dangerously close to being violently sick and my throat hurt for a few hours. Relief only came eventually with enough vanilla I Scream and cobbled peaches.

&^)

A Window-Window Situation

Several weeks ago a drunk driver smashed a pickup truck into a west side window of a restaurant across the street from our business. He only went about a block from the bar on Main Street and I believe that he also hit two other vehicles before jumping the very high curb into the window.

But he appears to be a very "obedient" drunk driver. He may have been confused by "instructions" from the giant sign with bright yellow letters, way high up on the south side of the restaurant:

'Drive Thru Window'

A friend made mention of the drunk driver that smashed into her house about a year ago causing extensive damage to her home and wiping out one of her vehicles.

My Response: I agree, your acci-dent was significantly more exciting. Its a good thing you didn't have a "Drive Thru Window" sign on the side of your house, the drunk driver might have tried to use it as an excuse. I might recommend installing a DTW sign, complete with lights, (maybe neon?) on a nearby neighbors house just in case an obedient drunk driver comes Thru your neighborhood looking for a Window. But a tree, preferably a stout one, would be safer than a house as a sign mount. Well, maybe not for the driver.

Invention: Maybe drunk drivers would respond to a bright light the same way an insect is attracted to a light at night. You could mount a GPS-navigation-computer controlled light (like a heads up display in a military aircraft) in the "cockpit" of the drunk drivers car. Then when he got ready to go home he could punch a single house shaped button on the dash. The light could indicate which direction to turn the wheel, maybe even help with the gas and brake pedals, too. (Of course pushing the house shaped button could also call the cops AND disable his ignition system)

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

An Ibuprophen, A Tylenol and An Advil Walk Into A Bar-rier

Strrrange Dream:

My ex-boss gives me an ibuprophen, Tylenol, and Advil at the same time.

I begin choking on them.

He doesn't notice.

I quote fix unquote myself.

I notice a fourth pill.

"What iz thiz oze?"

"Which oze?"

"Thiz oze?"

"I don't kzow, juzt take all of them"

"Okay"

I don't choke the next time.

This time he notices that I don't choke and mentions it.

(Yes, the letter 's' and 'n' were rotated in some places in the lines of dialogue in my dream. Maybe it was because I was asleep, "zzzzz", ???, who knows. The particular ex-boss in this dream is actually a very nice person and would never hurt me. I didn't mention his name on purpose.)

Dream Link: The Next Dream in My Blog

Air Traffic Game Controllers

My solution for air traffic controllers who fall asleep on the job: Have them work on a variable speed treadmill that someone else controls instead of a desk. Then if they fall asleep it probably won't be for long. (Head goes BAM!!!) It would probably be a great selling Wii game, and turn ATControllers into super athletes. Then there would be salary deals, agents and tournaments.

I'm beginning to smell lotza money!!!

Install video cameras so we can watch ATControllers on internet web cams as well. Perhaps there could be a reward system for catching an ATController falling asleep? A reality teleBision show maybe, with teams? I'm hoping there are no islands involved though, or mazes to race. Just treadmills.

I figure if a semi-elderly John Madden can keep having "new" football games from year to year, then I should get in on the action too with "Ernest S B Boston's AirTrafCon 2011" for Wii, Playstation, and X-Box.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

Portuguese Version: Controladores de Jogos de Tráfego Aéreo

Schrödinger's New Improved Cat

I think I figured out a solution to the physics thought problem "Schrödinger's Cat" after reading a news article this morning, "Scientists Teleport Schrödinger's Cat". BUT, surprise surprise, there was no actual cat involved, only light.

I propose to put a door handle on the inside of Schrödinger's box and then train a cat to open the door on command. The command is sent by using a cell phone with a ring tone that the cat understands as the signal to open the door. If I can't find a cat that is smart enough to do this task then a dog will be auditioned instead. My news headline, if successful, will be "Scientist Telephones Schrödinger's Pet".

I wasn't sure which ring tone to use for sure, but then I thought that another experiment to do first would be to play various teleBision commercials for feline products and see if any of them give a consistent positive response from a cat. Perhaps the Meow Mix commercial, that sounds like a good place to start.

But because I deeply care for dogs I will not let a dog volunteer to do the experiment until he completely understands the risks involved (death) and the dog can clearly communicate that understanding in English. The dog doesn't necessarily have to be able to speak, any form of valid communication such as sign language or typing on a computer keyboard would be equally acceptable.

Reference about a group of scientists claiming to have transported Schrödinger's Cat. See link: News Story

Here is a link to the wikipedia article on Schrödinger's Cat: To Meow Or Not To Meow, That Is The Question

Of course I figured you could always just get really close to the box and yell, "CAT, GET OUT OF THE BOX BEFORE YOU DIE!!!"

Update: I just saw a great T-shirt at SNORGTEES. It has a picture of a cat on an Old West style wanted poster, with the words [Wanted - Dead & Alive - Schrödinger's Cat] notice, that was an ampersand, (i.e. "AND"), not the word "OR". Love it! It would be great if they had it in inventory AND didn't have it in your size.

Link to T-shirt

What I Did On My Summer Vacation: Fooled NASA

Episode 6

When I first heard about the NASA project to look for water on the moon I was humored, because I had already been to the moon several times just as soon as I had my Morgan utility building coverted to a spacec-raft. I even built a spacesuit for Cooper. Getting a dog into a spacesuit turned out to be a difficult task, but we finally made it. He didn't enjoy the trip to the moon but really enjoyed playing ball on the moon and jumping really high. We go back every couple of weeks. The thirty minute lunar trip by MMB - Modified Morgan Building is actually faster than going by car to the veterinarian for his annual visit.

I had already searched all over the moon, including the dark side and found no significant amounts of water. So I made another trip to both poles just to be sure - nope - didn't find any. Surprisingly I did find Santa Claus at the North Pole of the moon! (Not really, just kidding.)

But then later I came up with a great practical joke of hauling water to the moon so that when they measured for water, NASA would find water there. I inflitrated their computer systems to find the exact location they planned to smash their projectile into the surface of the moon. The dust raised by the projectile would then be analyzed by a second NASA spacecraft right behind the projectile.

I began hauling several thousand gallons of water by using a railroad tanker hooked to the MMB and draining a half inch of water from the Lake Meredith reservoir in the process. The tank was insulated so the water wouldn't freeze until it got to the moon. So the water turned to a mixture of ice chunks and snow during the spray process at the lunar polar cap. I used a special netting process to be sure that no significantly sized animals were harmed in the process of getting the lake water. The last thing I need is for PETA to be on my case. Its bad enough having the federal bad boys trying to find you all the time.

But then I eXpanded the practical joke. I realized that the analyzer would be scanning for molecules besides water so I decided to add another ingredient to the lunar ice - Tang !!! I researched where to find some and found out where NASA actually had stored several hundred thousand pounds of Tang leftover from the Apollo missions. I realized it would have been far far easier to just make my own Tang using nano-factory technology, but I thought it would be more interesting to have NASA "discover" their own Tang without realizing it was theirs. So stealing half of their Tang supply from a warehouse in Alabama was accomplished in about a week including the time it took to spread it around the surface on the lunar ice layer.

I was pretty well pleased with my great practical joke BUT then I came up with an even better idea than the Tang ingredient. Why not put moonshine on the moon?!?!? I knew that the water analyzer would be able to pick up an ethyl alcohol molecule as well AND the chemical analyzer used light in the instrumentation detector process, so light=shine, moon, moonshine! Perfect!

I decided to make the alcohol on earth and then haul it to the moon. I was starting to run out of time so I stole, excuse me, borrowed another railroad car. After delivering the moonshine to the moon, I reconstructed a moonshine operation that I found in the backwoods of Alabama not far from the Tang warehouse. I thought it would be great fun to turn NASA into a branch of the ATF, (Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms) by having them unknowingly smash a moonshine still operation with their projectile.

So the next time you look at the moon and it appears to have a bit of orange color at the bottom, the tinge is Tang.

Ah Mom, All The Other Kids Are Getting Space Shuttles!

Ah, I just found out that I missed out for the bidding process for a used space shuttle from NASA.

Oh well, at least I have my Morgan brand utility building turned into a space craft, but with the price of diesel, I don't use it as much. See story episode #2:
'No, I Am The Sultan of Swing'
- in the adventures of my space alien alter ego.

Link: no-i-am-the-sultan-of-swing

Response from a Friend: What would you do with a space shuttle?

Response to Friend: What would I do with a space shuttle? Why, practically everything!

A) Get groceries
B) Carport for my Ford F-350 monsta' truck
C) Slightly deeper pool for Cooper
D) Cruise Main Street on Saturday evenings
E) Compete with my neighbors for who has the noisier vehicle [AND win!]
F) After blowing away the neighbors with rocket exhaust at 106 Mozwacht Street, I can buy their land for a place to park my space shuttle instead of leaving it on the street disguised as an RV
G) By owning 102, 104, and then 106 Mozwacht it would allow me to have a mathematically averaged street address of 104 Mozwacht, the original homestead.
H) Ponies!
I) Bunnies!
J) Kitties! (Oh, sorry, that should have been Lions, Tigers and Bears)
K) Rescue damsels in distress
L) Start a tree trimming business. Again rocket exhaust, only this time selectively well positioned eXtremely short bursts.

Response from Niece: I think it's safe to speak for everyone and we are glad you didn't end up with a space shuttle ;)

Response to Niece: B-b-b,but [first name goes here], I was gonna leave it to YOU in my will

&^(

Update: M) Start an eXclusive bed and breakfast (this idea came from another friend who suggested that people would want to spend the night in the shuttle and I like it really well -> $$$$)

&^)

Presidential Sculpture Swapping

I decided to write something different for a change. Actually, it's about change: swapping presidential sculptures

I stopped by our retail store in the middle of several errands. The clerk mentioned that she was close to running out of pennies. So I told her I would get some at the bank.

But several minutes later after I had paid for my coffee at the convenience store AND after I had been to the bank I saw the "penny exchange bucket" by the cash register. It jogged my memory about the penny request from my clerk. There were exactly five pennies in the little bucket, and I had a nickel in my hand, so I swapped them. I thought, "five pennies are better than none".

Suddenly the tall C-store clerk sternly demanded to know what I was doing. I told her I had swapped the pennies for a nickel, and I pointed to the single coin in the bucket. She exclaimed, "those pennies are for our customers!"

I thought it was incredulous that someone, a grown adult especially, would be so concerned over something that people in our society THROW AWAY on a regular basis. And I had exchanged them for exact value, I hadn't stole anything. I simply said a single statement, "sorry" - AND - left with my pennies.

After leaving the C-store I suddenly realized on my walk back to my truck that technically the pennies really aren't the property of the C-store, they are a simple exchange mechanism performed by the masses of customers on a good will basis. Those pennies are actually owned by no one!

After I drove a couple blocks, and only after I had taken at least two drinks of the coffee, I suddenly cracked up laughing while looking at the cup of coffee in my hand that I had PURCHASED at the C-store - realizing I was one of the "OUR" cUstOmeRs !

A Door Able In Security

I went to sign a paper yesterday on the 3rd floor of a bank building. It was at a business separate from the bank that occupies the first floor. But I had momentary trouble getting inside. The middle pair of the outside front doors of the set of four were locked. So I tried the left most door. Unlocked, fine, I was able to enter the building. There is another inner set of four locked doors to the bank lobby. Eight doors total, with an open foyer between the outer four and inner four.

A Visual:
[all four outer GLASS][ doors, locked or ][unlocked, open to][ the exact same foyer]

I was curious about why some of the outer doors were locked.

I knocked on the locked inner doors (it was late enough in the afternoon for the bank lobby to be closed) and a bank employee came over to talk to me. I asked why the middle doors of the 4 outside doors were locked. She told me they were for bank customers, and the bank lobby was closed, and that the left outer door was for the businesses on the 2nd and 3rd floors. I asked her if she thought this situation was funny. She said "no".

So The Weak Can No

There are billboards in Amarillo TX USA announcing the return of Jesus on May 21st, 2011. There is a website at WeCanKnow(DOT)com for the organization. I saw they also have trucks wandering around with messages on the sides. There is a way to make donations. The organization is ran by an 89 year old civil engineer.

((( 89 years? ... thinkthinkthink ... clickclickclick ... hmmm, that would be about 4.4 percent of Jesus' current age. I know several people who are about 4 percent of my age. )))

Of course he also has a previous book published in 1992 titled "1994?" that accurately predicted Sept 6th, 1994 for the same return.

I checked to see if there are any birthdays (dates we can actually know with some certainty) of some famous people that occurred on May 21st. I found:

• Jeffrey Dahmer (serial killer)
  
• Mr T. (actor - real name Laurence Tureaud)
  
• Al Franken (comedic writer and junior senator from Minnesota)
  
• Raymond Burr (actor from Perry Mason and Ironsides)
  

I predict that these birthdays are probably correct.

The other strange thing I saw this morning was a stuffed animal with a smile across the room from me at a place of business downtown (not ours). I couldn't tell what it was at first, then on closer inspection I saw that it was a white sheep with fake pink bunny ears.  Then later I discovered that Sheepbunny is animatronic - if you press the ON/OFF switch hidden inside it's left foot it will dance and sing the "Easter Parade" song. A sure sign of the end times.

The Why Intercept of Stupidity

My friend mentioned: Now days, no-one remembers when they were young and stupid......

My Question: I've tried to maintain an exact level of stupidity so that would make age a linear factor, and it would plot as a straight line, so do I just look for the Y-intercept?

My friend answered, "Yes."

A Flock of Aflac Flak

My choice for the new Aflac Duck voice, if it can't be me: Ben Stein

‎"Bueller? .. Bueller? .. Bueller?"

When I said the B?B?B? line just now with Ben's voice it activated the launch sequence of the once peaceful snoozing pup, now wanting to go outside to play.

&^)

Don't worry Aflac management, I would never make bad jokes about the Japanese people when they were in crisis mode, I'm smarter and nicer than G.G.

Go Ahead and Trademark Everything

I think I will trademark the phrase "I'm Glad I'm Not Charlie Sheen"

I should slap it on a T-shirt and have the words circling a drain with the very first part of the sentence just barely going over the edge .. s^wir\, s_wirl ... .. .

On the back side I could put "Charlie lost his teleBision show and now all I've got is this lousy T-shirt"

If I could think of a creative way to do it, I would put two and a half sleeves on the shirt.

Or maybe just:

"Wining & Whining!"

Sneaky Leaky Happiness

Happiness sometimes abounds
at just beyond our boundaries,
but its sound is found to be sneaky
and must leak back around with ease.

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog