I Should Have Stopped At Fourteen

Oh no! It's 4:50 AM and there is a tiny piece of music running repeating through my head from some movie or teleBision show and I can't seem to remember what it goes to .... I wasn't even trying for anything.

I am going to name this condition "I'll Hum In Error A Show Tune"

I have it narrowed down to one in about 3,247 movies.

(Pause as I dig through my DVD's for the answer after being unable to find it on iTunes)

Its from the 1981 movie Chariots of Fire, chapter 19 on my DVD. Its the alternating merged practice scenes where it switches back and forth rapidly between Eric and Harold working with their trainers, and then the music ends just as Harold runs through the finish line and Mr Sam Mussabini clicks his stopwatch.

(An hour later) I actuaLLy figured it out several minutes ago, but then I had to spend time finding a pair of double A batteries for the Blu Ray player remote control device, to confirm it and figure out eXactly how far into the movie the scene was located.

I probably should not have watched this movie 20+ times. I should have stopped at 14.

A Puzzling Christmas Present

My children liked puzzles and so every year I would try to find them slightly more difficult puzzles to push their minds.

One year I was groc shopping and saw a can of diced tomatoes, and I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if they could do it?" - and sure enough they were able to reassemble a tomato, weLL, the 93 percent of the tomato that actuaLLy made it into the single can.

NeXt year's puzzle took them a little bit longer - I mixed two cans of diced tomatoes.

Pineapple, Size Seven, Please

Pineapple Plantation News: Several weeks ago I discovered a new pineapple plant growing from the side near the base of my oldest pineapple plant, the one I harvested a fruit from in August. Today I discovered a second plant growing from the other side, so now the size of my plantation is 7 plants! I am going to definitely repot this trio into a larger container. 

The Lost McRib

[Day Two of McRib Hunting Season]

I decide to do an eXperiment with a McRib sandwich. I don't like the giant pieces of white onion that come with the sandwich, so I decide to swap them with diced purple onions from my own kitchen.

I take my diced purple onions to McDonalds and order a McRib with no onions, but I teLL them that I want the usual pickes.

The process of getting a speciaLLy made McRib with less on it takes over twice as long as usual. But I survive.

I open it up at my table and the onions are stiLL on it like normal, BUT the pickles are not on the sandwich.

So I take it back to the ordering counter and eXplain the situation to my clerk. She takes it back to the kitchen area and eXplains what needs to be done. The tiny short chef appears confused and starts to walk away from me, but then someone says something to her and she throws my incorrect McRib sandwich in the TRASH can! My heart stops and sinks at the tragic loss.

So they give me the new improved pickled sandwich, this time a little faster than before. I get to my table and open it up - yes, the pickles are there, two of them, no onions, BUT this time there is only a tiny amount of BBQ sauce.

So I return the sandwich to the ordering counter and beg them to not throw away my precious McRib this time, but only add some BBQ sauce. So about 5 people gather around a dipping vat as my meat is twirled in a BBQ bath. One person twirling my meat while four watch. Five - if you include me. The sides of the BBQ bath are transparent so I can see it rotated about six times.

Yea! I finaLLy get my McRib to the table so I can put the purple onions on it. The only problem is they put so much sauce on the sandwich that probably 1/3 of my tiny onions ran away with the eXcessive sauce.

Badder luck neXt time.

Future Experiment: Jalapeño Peppers on a McRib

The Hunt for Something I Read in October

I should probably stop playing Sudoku.

I just woke up from a dream where I am solving Sudoku puzzles verbaLLy, but I am a different person, Michael Weatherly, the actor from the teleBision show NCIS who is the character named Anthony DiNozzo. So I am DiNozzo doing Sudoku instead of fighting military crime, and I am arguing with someone about whether I should help my enemies with their Sudoku problems, and I am against helping them.

Suddenly I am no longer DiNozzo, but now I am the tiny old cranky funny lady from the spin-off series, NCIS: Los Angeles, an actress named Linda Hunt who plays Henrietta Lange. And Henrietta, (the new now me), must have been the one that DiNozzo was arguing with about Sudoku, because she says, "Well, I always help my enemies with their Sudoku puzzles!", and takes a sip from her cup of tea.

Then I woke up.

The worst part of this is that I woke up and my left shoulder stiLL hurts.

And I wasn't even playing Sudoku right before I feLL asleep, I had been studying about bone marrow transplants. So this is the only logical eXplanation I have to offer: don't study bone marrow transplants before taking a nap.

So I grab the telephone book and turn to the M section.

I walk by my wife in the livingroom and she asks, "Who are you caLLing?"

I say, "McDonalds"

She questions, "Why, did they do something wrong?!?!?"

"No, I'm caLLing to get you a job there."

She laughs and says, "NO! You can have a job there!"

I caLL McDonalds and ask them if their store in my town is currently seLLing McRibs. But it is noisy on his end and I have to repeat my question. I said, "Did you say 'Yes'?" and he responds, "Yes", and I echo his yes message.

And my wife just a few feet away asks, "Do they have McRibs?"

I say, "Honey, I said yes twice."

Now I wonder if my wife wiLL faLL back asleep and have dreams about McRibs. I s'ppose that is better than her dreaming about Tony DiNozzo.

Now I am hungry.

(several minutes later)

My wife walks into the kitchen.

I ask her, "WiLL you go to McDonalds and get me a McRib?"

She laughs and says, "You want ME to go to McDonalds and get you a McRib?"

I answer, "No, I want two of them. No french fries."

She walks away from me and says, "Does the back of my head (hair) look okay where I slept on it?"

Without looking I say, "It looks fine."

She responds with a snort, "You didn't even look!"

So she backs up to me and I lightly run my fingers through her hair, s'pposedly making an (hah!) improvement. I make positive affirmations similar to when I am teLLing Cooper how good a dog he is.

She responds, "I'm not Cooper!!!" and begins to laugh but then starts coughing and not so much laughing. So my humor delayed getting my McRibs by a few moments.

She puts on her jacket, "So, two McRibs, no fries, no drink? ... Sorry, Cooper, you don't get anything since you didn't eat your breakfast."

I respond "Yes" and she is out the door.


We eat.

A half hour passes by.

My wife is antagonizing Cooper trying to take away his dog biscuit, its a game they often play.

My wife says that she is leaving to go shop at a store named Maurice's. She asks me if there is anything she can get me while she is gone.

I respond, "Could you get me another McRib?"

She responds with a shocked voice, imagine an unusually loud whisper, "Are you kidding me?!?!?"

I say, "Yes."

Goodnight

December 14th, 2012

I must sleep now,
there is too much sadness today,
things private and public.

The Insanity of Albert Ine-stine

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I tried flipping a coin and for the longest time (17,453 tries) I got just heads and tails. But then the 17,454th time it landed on it's side and stayed there.

I published the first paragraph in Facebook and I wonder how many of my friends think I reaLLy flipped a coin 17,454 times. Of course the people who reaLLy know me would have realized that I would have built a huge bank of multiple coin flipping machines or robots and then I would have used video surveillence with optical scanning, looking for something besides heads or tails, aLL of it completely automated with a reporting system that sent me an email complete with the photo of the coin on its side.

And then the winning robot would have informed the other robots that they could stop. Then the losing robots would give their coins to the winning robot, after examining the photographic evidence. And that is basicaLLy how the Roman Empire got started.

Very Pretty

What the kids are saying: It is what it is

What history teachers have been saying: It was what it was

What Australians are saying: Wallabies will always be wallabies

I was having a conversation with my wife about how the word 'pretty' is used quite heavily in our part of the world to mean 'very'. She said that she doesn't hardly ever use the word very. Then she rattled off several eXamples of pretty as very.

... pretty stupid ...
... pretty dumb ...
... pretty long ...

My favorite?

... pretty ugly ...

T: "Can you take $94.11 away from $191.52?"
E: "Yes."


I woke up from a veRy vivid dream that left me in a state of eXtreme agitation. In the dream I had a kitchen drawer that was a couple inches high, but because it was the top drawer there was a higher internal dimension, so there was a larger cooking pan trapped in the drawer that I couldn't get out. So now I reaLLy need to go back to sleep to figure out how to tear the cabinet apart to rescue this trapped pan. I just hope nothing bad has happened to the pan since then, because it was yesterday morning that I had this dream, not today. It would be terrible to go back to the dream to find out that someone else had solved the problem and then not showed me how, or worse yet left me with a kitchen drawer to repair. I have better things to do in my dreams than repair other people's destruction of my kitchen drawers.

Pie Are Shared, Cornbread Are Square

My favorite attorney sent this joke to me in Facebook:

Not sure why, but I saw this joke and thought of you..

After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a worker's boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers. 

Angrily she asked, "If you had 4 Apple Pies and I asked for one, how many would you have left?" 

Quickly he replied, "If it was you who asked, I'd still have 4."

My Responses: Lovely. Absolutely wonder-fuLL. Pie are squared, not pie are shared. [Now I have an {un}eXplained desire to drive aLL the way to To-n-To to get a fried cherry pie, why?]

Glossory For Non-Locals: To-n-To is an abbreviation for the convenience store chain Toot-N-Totum, my local spot for fried cherry pies, cappuccino, and diesel.

My Synthetic Sound World

I have been adding new sound toys to my life lately. I have had a Yamaha keyboard for quite sometime, but I haven't been playing it. But I got a Korg Kaossilator Pro synthesizer and fed the Yamaha into it, and use my Bose NR headphones. Then I found two fabulous iPad apps that emulate real Korg devices, the MS-20 monophonic analog synthesizer and the Electribe synthesizer. So now I am making lotza strange sounds and having fun. The two iPad apps were 10 and 15 dollars, and the Kaossilator plus cables and tax was around 500 dollars.

Driving Miss Crazy

My most recent Facebook Status (and almost totaLLy untrue story)

I came to a stop at a 4 way intersection with 3 other vehicles at nearly the same moment. I had wanted to go straight but aLL three other vehicles simultaneously turned right, so I did too. It just felt like the right thing to do.

From my favorite attorney: Steer pressure?

My Response: You are 50 percent correct. The other 50 is peer stress-ure.

Some Thoughts

from my Facebook status

If you need further proof that the country is headed in the wrong direction, go to my groc store. The packages of Blue Solo Cups are more eXpensive than the Red.

Goodbye Bryce Courtenay, you were a powerful One.

I saw an article where some Mexican politicians would like to shorten the name of their country. I thought, "Why does it need to be shorter than 'Mexico', and what would they want?" ... but then I found out that the name of the country is reaLLy United Mexican States or Estados Unidos Mexicanos in Spanish. I did not know that, it has always already been simply Mexico to me, as weLL as every reference on a map or in a teleBision show. How about you?

ActuaLLy, I am not drinking from a red solo cup at this moment. I have improved them for icy drinks. I take a couple coffee filters and lightly squeeze them between two red solo cups for an insulated version. So I'm reaLLy drinking from a Red Duo Cup, less condensation mess!

A gigantic Thanksgiving meal isn't that relatively labor intensive when you consider that you make it in one day, eat it for five, and then wear it off hopefuLLy by ten days.

I thought I would get started early being thankful on Thanksgiving by giving thanks, but everyone I caLLed at 4 AM did not seem to enjoy it; puzzling.

Update Nov 25th

After nearly thirty years of marriage, we eXperienced something new. After a nice meal with just the two of us at On The Border in AmariLLo, the waitress asked us if we needed separate checks. I turned to my wife and asked her, "Two, right?" before laughing at the bizarre facial eXpression she gave me and then to the waitress.

Today was a shockingly strange day. Through some combination of rubber wheels on my Sam's shopping cart, walking in my Vibram Fivefinger shoes with Injinji toe socks, and a relative humidity of negative fifteen percent, I was shocked about eight times by static build up in my cart. I was even shocked by a can of cashews touching only the paper wrapper! I could have easily defib'd anyone needing acute cardiac attention.

Update Nov 26th

I had a dream that I no longer had Cooper. He had been replaced with a veRy docile kind smaLL camel who was housebroken. He was so amazing that we did several late night teleBision talk shows. We weren't on any talk shows during my dream, I just had fond memories of those as previous eXperiences. He was such an amazing camel that I didn't even know or even care how many humps he had. I'm trying to think now, remember, um, I think it was one, no, two, um ... one or two, not sure.

I realized that the earth may actuaLLy be flat. It just happens that if you go far enough in one direction that you run into another place eXactly like the place you left simply because where you are is so fabulous that it needs to be repeated eXactly. If you realized this, then you could go and visit yourself to let yourself know about aLL of this, this flatlandishnessed stuff. But which way would you go first, east or west? Would you want to meet the east you or the west you first? What if you met both of them and you discovered that the two you's were not eXactly the same? What a strange you-niverse we we we live in in in. I think I would travel east first just because I think I know (but now I'm not sure) that is where the country of Wales is and I must meet my friend Rob Z Tobor who used to live there but now he lives just east of it. And then I would go farther east to meet my friend Badger who is an Australian who lives in Austria. If I go even farther east I would come to Shanghai China where I couldn't visit [friend's real name goes here] because she moved back to Grosse Pointe Michigan. I hope she went east when she went back home.

Update Nov 27th

Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) as The Easter Bunny? Yes, I could have easily predicted that but only while I am asleep.

I am currently listening to Soundgarten's new music. They have released a new album after 16 years. I think they should have waited another 32 years. This would have insured that I would probably not hear them and/or they would have died of old age before releasing their music (?).

My wonderful new app: iElectribe from Korg turns an iPad into an amazing percussive synthesizer. I feed the output into my Kaossilator Pro dynamic phrase synthesizer. Fun!

http://www.korg.com/ielectribe

Update Nov 28th

NOW i know what i want for Christmas: a Kuratas Robot - they only cost $1,000,000

(I wrote that sentence with lowercase i instead of I because compared to the robot sizewise, it would look something close to [i K]. You climb inside the robot to control it OR from run it from a phone app)

Available from Suidobashi Heavy Industry

http://suidobashijuko.jp/

Update Nov 30th

Guess Who's Coming To Diner

Romney and Obama had lunch together yesterday, and that was a news article in the WSJ. Yes! A real article about enemies eating birds. The article was eighteen paragraphs long. They had turkey chili and griLLed chicken salad. It didn't say who had what.

Now I'm hungry.

Update Dec 1st

December First in Texas: There was a live grasshopper on my front porch. I am (hopefuLLy) not an eXpert on such things, but he didn't appear to be in good health.

Update Dec 2nd

I am so proud of myself. I got my Inbox down to less than 9,000 messages.

(8,998)

Comment from My Favorite Friend in Delaware: Hit the "check all" box and then delete. You can always start over.

My Response: DeDa: No, you know me, I reaLLy can't do that.

Update Dec 4th

The number 80.

That is how many people signed the petition "Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government." yesterday December 3rd.

So far there have been 118,497 signatures.

At 80 people per day, by July 16th at 3:08 AM in the year 2888 there wiLL be enough signatures to equal the current population of the state of Texas.

To quote Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber): "So you're teLLing me there's a chance?!?!?"

-----------

Sadly,
my life is momentarily devoid of red beLL pepper.
Its such a cold dark lonely place.
Help.

Where are you,
my tiny semi-spherical friend?

Indo Sham Nesia

I am in the wrong business.

There is a guy in Indonesia that charges $104,000 to slaughter a water buffalo and then hide the head to ward off evil spirits. And his prices have gone up about 20% since last year as he is one of the more popular shamans.

That would be a good idea for a new reality teleBision show, "Popular Shamans". Mix an amazing race, a bit of Real Houseknives of Jakarta and Duncing With The Stars.

I would go a cheaper, smaLLer product route though, and use squirrels instead of water buffalo. There are some agua bisons nearby less than an hour away, but I would prefer being able to work out of the trunk of my car. If I get reaLLy busy and someone is insistent on a buffalo, my truck does handle up to four thousand pounds. I would just have to find a place for my spare tire.

Sorry, I did my math wrong earlier, his prices have gone up about 25% since last year. The popular shaman is also a famous horror movie star.

For the less wealthy you can look in the Indonesian classified ads for budget rate shamans.

Update: Oh, I found out they already have shaman teleBision shows in Indonesia. Or in this case, a teleBISON show.

Strange Numb Er Moments Followed By Stranger Numb Er Momentums

So, I am napping. PeacefuLLy. The room is dark.

The Wifey enters the room and asks softly, "Are you awake?"

I am thinking the answer must have been Yes because that is the answer I s'pposedly gave.

She said she was going to McDonald's and wanted to know if I wanted anything.

I said, sure, McNuggets (chicken), and then silence. She asked me if I wanted fries too. I said Yes.

She left but then in my semi-numbed mindful not yet awake state I wondered why I had only ordered two vegetables and no meat. Yes, looking back now, how on earth I would consider McNuggets a vegetable. Biz-czar

Laying there in the dark I suddenly thought of the two cards I mailed yesterday, stiLL in the numbed slumber state, and I wondered if I got the two cards into their properly addressed envelopes.

[Sudden eXaggerated sense of siLLy fear quake]

Because thinking now both cards were eXactly the same size, BUT one of them was being sent anonymously! The anonymous one didn't have a return address or my signature inside the card. It just had my handwritten cryptic message like "from someone who feels your pain". It was a siLLy Christmas card with an abominable snowman with a photo of Barak Obama's face in the head. Inside the printed part said something like "Happy Holidays from the Obama-ni-bal Snowman". Just as soon as I saw it I realized that I must must must send this card to my favorite best friend Susie who is veRy conservative. The other card was to my friend in prison. It was a birthday card that I turned into a Happy Birthday November Card, with a nice long message.

While stiLL in my numbed slumbered state I thought about the word 'number'. I was asking myself if you were 'more numb', would that be speLLed 'number' with a silent b, and then the logical neXt question was, "Is it possible to make someone number with numbers?" Then I decided in my slumb numbered state that, Yes, an eXample of numbering with numbering would be a hypnotist who teLLs a person, "You wiLL get veRy sleepy as I count backwards from 100."

I had absolutely NO sensation that any significant amount of time had passed. I heard my Wifey say that my food was here.

What?!?!? I didn't even realize that she had left.

While eating my Chicken McNuggets, I realized that I could probably consider the BBQ sauce another vegetable serving. Cooper seemed to agree.

I was hoping to get my wonderful new invention posted in my blog, but that story isn't quite finished baking just yet, maybe a few more days. Work, work, work ...

Birds of a Farther

Question posed by a friend: ‎"I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly to any place on Earth, and then I ask myself the same question"

My Response: ActuaLLy, every time a bird jumps up and flies the earth is sneaky and moves underneath them (at 1,000 mph at the equator) so imagine a bird's consternation at involuntary migration. The bird is going, "MYgration? I didn't ask for this?!?!?"

This is perplexing especiaLLy to birds who think the earth is flat. The birds that fly high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and can handle differential equations and dive bombing for food are a little more accepting of the whole thing.

Just notice neXt time you look at a bird which ones appear to be smiling.

If you don't believe me, just jump up in the air yourself, you'll see you don't come down in the same spot, eXcept for Santa Claus at the North Pole.

Its the original Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. You leave your post only to come back later to see that it has moved. This eXplains aLL the bird noise, "Where Is My Nest?", thats what the non-smiling ones are saying.

Obamastan & Mess-O-America

I designed a cartoon today. It has the 2012 election map of the United States by Red and Blue with the state boundaries erased. In the middle it says Middle America Indian Territory and then each coast has West Obamastan and East Obamastan. I was reminded of what happened to the Indian colony after the British left in 1947.

My other thought was: I wonder how often someone takes into consideration the Red-Blue-ishness of a destination when they are going through the process of moving, getting a different job, school, etc.

AdditionaLLy, since the recreational marijuana laws passed in Colorado and Washington, I added some green to their states.

I also stole the Red portion of the western Florida panhandle and gave it to Middle America. I repositioned the Red Alaska, tucked right below Texas and to the right, to simulate the island of Ceylon.

At a future date I may repaint the rest of Florida purple.

Scorpians and Well Positioned Snacks

After nearly thirty years of marriage I discovered something new. A strange noise near my horizontal ear. I turn over and there is a bag of potato chips in bed with me. This is handy, but I reaLLy need coffee, but it is not arriving automaGically.

*sigh*

[Note to Cindy: at least it wasn't a scorpi-'can']

[Note to aLL others: a scorpi-can is a scorpian you kiLL with a can.
Score: You:1-Bug:0]

[Note to self: without coffee the word 'scorpian' appears to be speLLed wrong]

Yesterday on the Facebook story about the brutaLLy murdered scorpian I left this comment:

It would be sad if scorpions were reaLLy the kindest beings in the universe with a great sense of humor, but we'LL neVer know .... [stomp]

Now I notice that yesterday I speLLed the bug as 'scorpion' in that comment, so I reaLLy need that coffee.

Currently reading an interesting book, forty percent finished. 'Lost At Sea: The Jon Ronson Mysteries'

-----

One of the reason I go to my local diner is to have chats with the cook. We mainly talk about physics, but other science as weLL. Last night he asked me this question:

"Do you know what separates man from other animals?"

And my correct answer but not the one he was looking for: "Nitrogen"

Nitrogen is the main constituent of the atmosphere at our level. I crack up laughing. He soon joins me, followed by one of us saying "oxygen", then me saying "argon is third at 0.93 percent"

The answer he told me (and this answer makes sense considering his occupation) "man cooks things, animals don't. There are some animals that use tools, some animals that [ranch and farm], but none that cook."

I told him that soon Sandy might hire a robot to possibly take his place.

This morning I just now realized that raccoons do wash their food if a stream of water is veRy handy. There are probably a few human chefs who don't properly wash things, including themselves.

245 Point Zero?

Steve Jobs yacht was finished recently and it is said to be "between 230 and 260 feet".

What?

That's a guess-ti-mate with a 30 foot gap, more than 10 percent of the average.

I think I wiLL start teLLing people I am between 4 and 7 feet taLL. Yes, I'm rich, I have somewhere between 500 and a billion dollars, and 0.5 and 1.5 wives.

-------

While wandering outside in my backyard I invented something useful. Organic dental floss.

How? What? When? Huh?

I discovered that a piece of grass in my backyard makes an adequate dental scrubber. I took the outside layer off to get to the "clean" inside tiny circular relatively stiff shaft. Rub, rub, rub. Perhaps I should have taken a photo? No! A photo of the grass piece, not me actuaLLy using it, um, [no], you don't need to see that.

-------

How Strange: I have worked on Portuguese for more than 30 years and just now discovered the word 'Lusophone'. It means someone who speaks Portuguese.

That discovery taught me another word: lusophobia - the fear of Portuguese

Yes! That's a real word! I can't wait to see my friend Lucy and teLL there is a new word I created "Lucyphobia" - the fear of Lucys. ActuaLLy, My Lucy of Spearman TX is veRy un-scary. She wiLL laugh when I teLL her this, I love her laugh.

Previous Lucy post: I Am Not A Vampire

Much Monkey Noise

Do I own a monkey?
No
So why am I waking up to monkey noises?

"If an apple traveling at the speed of light hits a static banana ..." ... there is a question mark in his voice.

"That way he woke to the sound of happy birds."

"Oh, baby possum tracks!"

He made himself an apple and banana sandwich.

Maybe the baby possum was lost.

Eee eeee ee ee E

Maybe he only knew the day animals(?).

A veRy brief period of French nasal monkey laughter. -from the teleBision, not me-

George held him high so he could help look.

He was imagining possums everywhere.

Now owl noises. [that could be a contraction: nowlneses]

Pronounced: now-L-ne-sez [I realize much later that this is how some New Orleanians pronounce 'New Orleans']

[I turned the volume down completely with the remote control. But there was stiLL dialogue. Then I reali-ZZZ-ed that the sound was coming from the other teleBision in the living room. Doing Double Dolby. Do I get completely out of bed to eliminate the noise? I try reflecting the remote signal off several waLLs hoping it wiLL snake its way down the haLLway. No success. Obviously not enough mirrors or mirror equivalencies.
Note to self: Buy more mirrors tomorrow]

[That could be a contraction too: mormirmorrow]

Need zzzz's.

[Suddenly Wonder Boy Genius Ernie realizes he has BOTH teleBision remotes in bed with him at the same time. He gets a bold idea of sending TWO signals at the same time. He tries several combination for blasting the double signal strength signal down the hallway from the comfort of his bed. No luck, the volume doesn't go down. So he turns around on the bed to get a better shot at the cheap chandelier in the hallway hoping for a reflection. He has a sudden thought, they should use this technique in the neXt Die Hard movie. Suddenly the teleBision remote signals set off the smoke alarm in the doorway causing it to go blasting into a test pattern. This upsets the dog. Poor Cooper, its okay, baby. Bruce Willis is putting away the lasers. Luckily the smoke alarms go to sleep by themselves.]

Recorded and performed from the comfort of my mattress.

No animals or fruit were harmed in the production, eXcept one slightly disturbed doggie.

All rights reserved world wide.

Seven And A Half Score Ago

I was born slightly less than 100 years after the Civil War began, and now that I am slightly more than half of 100 years old I feel closer to Abraham Lincoln, as I am just slightly younger than Abe when he died.

Thank you Steven Spielberg for indirectly reminding me. His Lincoln movie is coming out soon in November, veRy close to the day of the month of the Gettysburg address, November 19th, seven and a half score minus one years ago (149). I hope I did my score math correctly.

I celebrated by buying 'Team of Rivals' by Doris Kearns Goodwin.

A Crime of Paint

My son far away had the back of his vehicle massively splashed with paint. We don't have any idea why this happened. He knows few people where he lives and doesn't know of any personal enemies. His out of pocket expenses will be at least $500 to get it repaired.

If anyone would like to help him, please send funds by mail to:

Family Style
Attn: For Fixing A Bad Paint Job
717 N Main St
Borger, TX
79007 

Funds Received: $10 Thanks A Bunch!

Why My Dog is Probably Going to Vote Democrat

Why my dog is probably going to vote Democrat.

Cooper was peacefuLLy working on his chew bone on the livingroom floor during the David Letterman Show. Dave was showing the fake video of Mitt Romney driving when a dog suddenly comes down the exterior side of the window knocking on the glass making canine whining noises, while Mitt just keeps driving and talking, ignoring the dog. Cooper stopped chewing and looked up at the teleBision for the rest of the comedic bit.

So I am guessing it was a real dog noise even though it was visuaLLy a fake dog.

Update: My friend over at Facebook reminded me to get Cooper registered to vote.

My response to her: I asked him about it this morning to make sure he wasn't too traumatized by the video, and I tried to eXplain about Mitt's dog on vacation traveling on top of the car, but aLL I could get out of Cooper was something Scoobie Doo-ish that sounded like, "H. Rosh Rutt-Roh?", so I guess he going third party now.

Registered? I think he got registered when he got micro-chipped.

Update: The same FB friend asked: Does he work? Did he pay taxes? The answer is clear.

My response: Work? He guards, comforts and entertains me, and I figured up the approximate annual amount for the sales tax on just his chew bones: $34.32

Update: (From the same FB friend, can you teLL she is a lawyer?) He's a 47%-er for sure. Maybe he's a yellow dog Democrat!! Errr, or white dog Democrat?

My Response: From a distance during a Texan sunset there is a bit of a yellow cast to him. If you went to Ace Hardware and asked for paint color that was 4.7% yellow, that would be it. Just ask for an incomplete mix, I'm sure that wiLL confuse them.

Crisp Is In, and Seeing Twenty Twenty

On a journey for new floor tile and other supplies we discovered a new restaurant in Amarillo, Texas. For my meal I decided against my usual ice water and chose a hard apple cider. I rarely drink alcohol in public. My choices were either 16 oz or 20 oz, and I thought, that was odd to have bottle choices that close together in size. The waitress didn't eXplain and I didn't ask. 

I chose a 20.

But when beverages arrived on the table it was a draft in a tall thick cold cylindrical glass, no bottle. Again, I am a neophyte at things brewski. I just saw the large Crispin logo art on the waLL and had decided to try something completely new. 

 

I liked it. It very weLL with the BBQ pork sliders and the horrible deviled eggs that we found out later were missing some ingredients. My wife's chicken quesadilla was above average. I didn't care for their BBQ sauce, so neXt time I wiLL bring my own from the house, just like I have a bottle at my favorite local diner.

There wiLL be a neXt time because I found out that they have Guinness, and I had told Badger that I would try that soon.

So ... mid way through the meal with 20 oz of hard cider, my wife declares she is going to be the designated driver and demands the ignition keys. I know I'm not debilitated but I gladly aLLow her the key ring. 

I am not against drinking and driving, but I am truly totally against drunk driving. But my wife does not understand things like blood alcohol math, and besides, I don't reaLLy feel like driving, as I just got finished driving an hour.

We head out to the SUV after the slightly better than average supper and the vehicle is facing east with a curb immediately in front. So my wife backs out of parking spot by turning left 90 degrees, so then she is facing straight south. BUT then she immediately starts going straight! 

.... And I with medium volume yeLL, "You are heading over the curb!!!" 

- she stops, looks, and says, "Are you sure?!?!?" 

- "YES!!! You are headed over the curb, the exit is right there ..." pointing to the west. 

"Oh!", she replies, and goes out into the side street and stops to look at the curb. 

She says, "Are you sure that's a curb?" 

- THOUGHT: HOLD it, I was the one drinking, right? "Yes, Honey, that is a curb!"

Suddenly I am doubting who should be driving and I create a cute little bouncy syncopated song on the fly, "Oh, Who shouldn't be driving right now?" With that same words repeated three times, music varying slightly on each line.

She smacks me on the arm, grinning, teLLing me to shut up. I crack up laughing. 

I sporadicaLLy start singing pieces of my new song in a semi-whisper-hum with my mouth open slightly more than normal enunciating sharply with a Cockney accent, as she gives me a dirty look but with her cute smile.

So we are now headed to the lumber yard passing by Tascosa High School on Wolflin Avenue, children practicing footbaLL, and make it to the stoplight at the intersection with Western Street. While stopped, I look to the right at the building, point at it, and say to my wife, 

"Do you remember me teLLing you about that bakery (pointing at the building) about how it is named Frank's Bakery, that it advertises itself as the only French bakery in town and that the name 'Frank' reaLLy means French, so it is like saying French Bakery French Bakery?" 

She says, "No, I don't remember you telling me that." 

I responded, "I remember teLLing you when we were stopped at this intersection at this stop light, only we were facing south on Western. I believe it was August of 2007. (5 years and 1 month ago)" 

My wife immediately responded, "You can't possibly know when we had this conversation! - um, FIVE years ago!" 

So I told her that I had recorded this story on my blog in a post about 700 posts ago, in a piece caLLed "200 Percent French". 

So I puLLed up my blog on her iPhone and found the publication date to be August 16th, 2007. So I started singing the "Who Shouldn't Be Driving Right Now" song again, as I thought that was a pretty good demonstration of my current right then under the unfluence of alcohol mental capabilities. 

She smiled, wide eyed. 

I read the blog post out loud to her which confirmed everything I had just told her and it ends with these words which make her laugh:

(Don't worry, my wife never reads this stuff)

We made it to the lumber yard without my wife kiLLing me. We go through the long process of picking out tile for our business property. The first one she picks has 20 tiles to the box and she asks me how many boxes we need. I divide the 20 into 600 to get the answer 30 boxes. But there are only 4 boxes available in stock. So she picks an even better tile pattern that now has 30 tiles to the box, so that means we need twenty boxes. So we load them up along with glue and a new Welcome mat.

We are going through process of checking out and her cart is in front of mine. She is puzzled and teLLs me what the total is, and it seems a little bit too high. I go around to the POS screen and see that my wife has told the clerk the wrong information and mixed the 20 and 30 quantities of boxes and 30 vs 20 tiles per box. I was shocked that the check-out clerk hadn't even counted the boxes but relied simply on what my wife told him, 30 boxes instead of twenty! 

I wiLL keep this in mind if I ever decide to start shoplifting, mental note: "look for this particular clerk"

I forget how much eXtra money would have been lost, but it could have bought quite a bit of cider.

So .... what did I do? Why, I sang my cute little new song, of course, "Oh, Who Shouldn't Driving ..." AGAIN. 

My wife closed her eyes and smiled shaking her head, humorously moaning, teeth grinding, only this time she didn't threaten to kiLL me. I asked her if she wanted me to puLL the SUV up to the loading zone, and she handed me the keys. I think by this time she finaLLy realized I wasn't intoxicated AND she was ready to get rid of me and my song. 

I did let her drive home from the lumberyard.

Let Me Explain The Presidential Debates, So That You Will Not Have To Watch Them

The 2012 Presidential Debates are soon. I don't know when because I basicaLLy don't care.

Here is what is going to happen. Each candidate, thankfooly there are just two, wiLL teLL you eXactly the same things they have already told you during the last several months, only this time they are in the same room at the same time.

The new twist is that each of them wiLL try to figure out how to say the eXact opposite of the other one, only figure out the logic whereby they have the better deal for you.

My favorite parts are when each candidate tries to eXplain what the other candidate is reaLLy saying.

The real deal is I want neither of them, so the real loser in this election is me. In the long run the real winner of this election is most likely China, the big one, not the little one.

Dances With Pizza

Even for an old tired worn out sore man at the end of the day, I can move incredibly fast, you just have to throw a butcher knife at me. 

Or rather have me throw a butcher knife at myself, that'll work too. 

I should blame Cooper since he is the one who "forced" me to order pizza for supper. 

I knocked the knife out of my hand when I brought it up out of the wooden block thingy in the kitchen but it bumped the stove's exhaust fan shroud and then ricocheted off at least two other surfaces before heading towards my bare toe-sies. 

Remember: Always wear steel toed work boots when eating pizza with your dog, and don't forget the BBQ sauce. 

Oh, and don't forget to give your dog his after meal dog biscuit, like I just realized I forgot to do.

Just Say Know To Math

The nearby city of Amarillo, Texas recently banned the use of cellular telephones while driving. There was an online article in the Amarillo newspaper that used some data in a questionable manner, so I wrote this online comment:

The article expressed [an] increase of 57 accidents for the time period 2006 to 2010 from 3,352 to 3,409, which is a little less than 2 percent increase, which may or may not be a statistically valid increase based on the data collection methods. The population increase in the same time period for the state of Texas was approximately 8 percent, which would mean that the more important per capita accident rate actually decreased. When you factor in the probable (I have no data for this) increase in the ownership of cellular telephones in the same time frame, this would indicate an improvement in driver behavior concerning cellular telephone usage while driving.

[end of my online comment]

I came back to the article 7 hours later to see if anyone had any responses to my comment, but there were no comments. BUT in the upper right corner I noticed there had been 4 votes cast about my comment, one thumbs up, BUT THREE thumbs down.

WHAT?!?!? All I did was point out that a piece of their supporting data was logically backwards.

In case you want to know, I don't text and drive. I don't usually talk on a cell phone when driving, unless I am in the middle of nowhere, which in my part of Texas is probably half of my driving time.

The Dogs of Wore

This picture shows my wife's latest customer:

His name is Max.

Now don't be confused, he isn't a client for her cosmetology services, but he bought a shirt. 

Max is getting a shirt with a Bulldog logo, as that is the mascot-logo for the local high school of Borger Texas.

Max is going to be in the parade with his new shirt.

The owner let me know that he is not in a cleaned up state, so he will look prettier and cleaner with the new shirt.

Max barked at me, but not as much once I started taking photos of him.

Hidden Forty

I have a carpenter painting and doing some work on a door and equipment at our business. This morning as he was moving some cabinets he found some small towels wrapped up between the unit and the wall. When he unfolded the towels there was forty dollars in the towels. This happened right before I arrived. My wife was already there and told him he could keep the money.

The interesting part of the story is the particular renter that left this money behind was the evil one who was trying to steal and destroy our business just recently. Normally I return any lost money or goods to the rightful owner, but in this situation I never had control of the money in order to do so.

I asked the carpenter if he would like to wrestle me for the money, but he said no, that I would probably win!

So, anyway, I felt strange as I drove by other business where the evil person now works on my way to get fuel and breakfast, with a feeling of incompleteness knowing that I couldn't return the forty dollars to its rightful owner, no matter how despicable she might be.

Several weeks ago as Miss Despicable was trying to pay me for two weeks rent instead of one, and doing it a day earlier than normal, she accidentally gave me a fifty dollar bill in the mix instead of a twenty. When I pointed this out, that she was trying to pay me $30 too much, the other renters in the other room overheard our conversation and jokingly and veRy loudly chastised me, saying in siLLy grouchy overlapping unison, "WHY did you tell her?!?!? We could have had a party with that money!!!" - and they teased me again the next day when I collected their rent on the normal collection day.

I feel strangely sad today for a variety reasons, mainly grief at the recent loss of my friend and mentor Eddie. That has its own mix of problems with greedy people interfering who are clueless to the reality of business and the probate process. I am not sure I ever reaLLy have too many enemies, at least from my point of view, for veRy long at aLL.

A Girl Name Contest!

I am trying to decide what name I should have had if I would have been born as a female. I am not planning on making any changes, plumbing or otherwise, this is just a theoretical question that floated through my little brain just now 42 seconds ago. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the first name that popped into my head was "Gwynyth". I would be interested in your suggestions for:

A) What you think my female name should have been
B) How about a middle name for me!
C) What opposite gender name do you think you would have liked for yourself.

Please feel free to leave a comment answering any or aLL of these questions.

I Audition as a Model for the Painting "The Scream" 119 Years Too Late

I was in the other room a few minutes ago, and Barak H Obama started yeLLing at me!

Imagine my surprise!

When it happens just moments after waking up from a much needed nap and you are stiLL tired it can be rather scary.

I went running from the living room screaming with my hands over my ears.

Don't worry, I made sure I put my left hand on my left ear and my right hand on my right ear.

Do you realize how difficult it is to do the opposite AND also run safely through a room with dog chew toys scattered almost everywhere?

I live dangerously ...

(I do a wide variety of siLLy things for the pure purpose of cheering up my wife.)

WeLL, I must go now, my lovely wife has made chicken gumbo. I have more interesting food news about her, but I must publish a new invention, a burger, on my recipe blog. Soon ....


Link to Edvard Munch's "The Scream"

Update: I am half way through my bowl of chicken gumbo and I see something different, smaLL and yeLLow.

I say, "There's corn in my gumbo!"

I look across the living room and my wife is smiling mischieveously, then she said, "It took you long enough [to notice]!"

Miss I On, I'm Possible

A veRy close young relative of mine is having an interesting day after having to work a veRy long shift. He is tired. He wants sleep, entertainment, and probably not to be bothered. 

I texted him so that I wouldn't wake him up, knowing about his long previous work shift. Then he told me later his phone makes the same amount of noise - text or phone call, so it didn't matter. (I woke him up.)

But he had a few good tales for me.

The first tale was that the cable company sent him the device to get hooked to the internet BUT failed to send the other device that allows him to watch teleBision. And they are already billing him for his cable service. The technical support person wasn't much help because it was a Sunday, other than to say she couldn't believe that had happened. She wasn't saying she didn't believe him, just flabbergasted about the mistake. 

But tomorrow is a holiday, so nothing will get done until Tuesday.

The second tale was more interesting. There is a knock on the door. Someone is standing there who wants to give him an eviction notice. He tells the guy, "I'm sorry, but that's impossible, I JUST moved in here two days ago!" But the guy is insistent. Then my young relative asks to see the papers, and it is someone else's name but the correct apartment address. He offers to show him identification to prove that he is not the person listed on the eviction notice and that he isn't connected to that person at all. So after a few more words, the guy finally leaves.

But the word finally isn't final.

A few minutes pass and there is a knock on the door. The same guy is back. He says that he has called his boss, and his boss says that its impossible. He needs to serve the eviction papers. 

My young relative is perplexed. What do you mean its impossible? He thinks, "I'm possible." What kind of response do you give a moron who wants to give you eviction papers when you aren't the correct person and you know you have paid your rent? He refused to take the papers.

But tomorrow is a holiday, so nothing will get done until Tuesday.

Blogger Is Broken

Something or someone is messing with my account. I have comments sporadically disappearing from my friends blogs. Blogger sent me a cryptic message saying something is wrong with my account, BUT I can not figure out HOW to communicate with their help desk technical support folks.

Now I just noticed that I am listed as a follower of my OWN blog!

No Wrong Oops What? A Very Good Good-Bye

There are several things that some people never learn.

Condi's lipstick doesn't matter. She has plenty of thoughts and words, listen.

Stop trying to live below sea level. There is plenty of dirt, higher dirt to live ^upon, move.

I don't reaLLy watch the Olympics and Presidential Conventions for almost the same reasons.

Some idiot is trying to steal a building from me, and ruin my business. She is going bye-bye today. I don't know how many times she has told people that my building is for sale, or the number of times I have said, "NO!!!! I am NOT getting out of this business, I plan to run this another twenty years (i.e. the rest of my life)." Renters. Idiot. Trouble-maker. I am veRy glad she is leaving.


Now, back to studying "Stairway To Heaven" and learning about Led Zeppelin. Thank you, Eddie, you wiLL be missed by several people. Thanks for everything you taught me about HVAC and life, and for aLL the griLLed chicken sandwiches with bacon you bought me over the last year and a half of training. I wiLL try to be a good little helper to aLL those in need of a cooler breeze.

The Condensed Number Value Pattern in the Fibonacci Series

The Fibonacci numbers (FN) are a sequence of integers, starting with 0, 1 and continuing 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, ..., each new number being the sum of the previous two. The Fibonacci numbers, and in conjunction the golden ratio, are a popular theme in culture. They have been mentioned in novels, films, television shows, and songs. The numbers have also been used in the creation of music, visual art, and architecture.

0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 987 1597 2584 4181 6765 10946 17711 28657

A condensed number value (CNV) is derived by repeatedly summing the digits of an integer until a single digit remains.

Examples:

12 => 1 + 2  = _CNV3
66 => 6 + 6 = 12 by previous example condenses to _CNV3
So 12 and 66 have the same condensed value of _CNV3

Condensed Number Value of the Fibonacci series, first 28 values:

0 1 1 2 3 5 8 4 3 7 1 8 9 8 8 7 6 4 1 5 6 2 8 1 9 1 1 2


0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21 34 55 89 144 233 377 610 987 1597 2584 4181 6765 10946 17711 28657

10946 => 1+0+9+4+6 = 20, then 2+0 => _CNV2
17711 => 1+7+7+1+1 = 17, then 1+7 => _CNV8
28657 => 2+8+6+5+7 = 28, then 2+8 = 10, then 1+0 => _CNV1
46368 => 4+6+3+6+8 = 27, then 2+7 => _CNV9
75025 => 7+5+0+2+5 = 19, then 1+9 = 10, then 1+0 => _CNV1
121393 => 1+2+1+3+9+3 = 19, then 1+9 = 10, then 1+0 => _CNV1
196418 => 1+9+6+4+1+8 = 29, then 2+9 = 11, then 1+1=> _CNV2

My recent discovery is that the sequence of Fibonacci numbers follow a repeating pattern of CNV. I searched for a repeating pattern, and found it at "_CNV1 _CNV1" in the 26th and 27th positions, 75025 and 121393, which are the same as the 2nd and 3rd positions.

Fibonacci numbers are derived by adding. Condensed Number Values for the summation process of integers follows a table:

Integer + Integer = CNV ...and... CNV + CNV = CNV

X + Y = Z where X and Y are either Integers or CNV's, and Z is a CNV

1 + 1 = 2
1 + 2 = 3
1 + 4 = 5
1 + 5 = 6
1 + 6 = 7
1 + 7 = 8
1 + 8 = 9
1 + 9 = 1
2 + 2 = 4 .... (and 2 + 1 = 3, so I didn't repeat Y + X = Z when I have already stated X + Y = Z)
2 + 3 = 5
2 + 4 = 6
2 + 5 = 7
2 + 6 = 8
2 + 7 = 9
2 + 8 = 1
2 + 9 = 2
3 + 3 = 6
3 + 4 = 7
3 + 5 = 8
3 + 6 = 9
3 + 7 = 1
3 + 8 = 2
3 + 9 = 3
4 + 4 = 8
4 + 5 = 9
4 + 6 = 1
4 + 7 = 2
4 + 8 = 3
4 + 9 = 4
5 + 5 = 1
5 + 6 = 2
5 + 7 = 3
5 + 8 = 4
5 + 9 = 5
6 + 6 = 3
6 + 7 = 4
6 + 8 = 5
6 + 9 = 6
7 + 7 = 5
7 + 8 = 6
7 + 9 = 7
8 + 8 = 7
8 + 9 = 8
9 + 9 = 9

So after a pattern of  24 Condensed Number Values:

  1 1 2 3 5 8 4 3 7 1 8 9 8 8 7 6 4 1 5 6 2 8 1 9 

the Fibonacci series starts repeating using this pattern. Some interesting features of this distribution of CNV:

 a) There are five _CNV1's and five _CNV8's
 b) There are two of the other values _CNV2,_CNV3,_CNV4,_CNV5,_CNV6,_CNV7,_CNV9

I noticed that Fibonacci numbers have a distribution of 2 odd numbers for each even value, a 2:1 ratio, with the pattern after the first zero value being odd, odd, even, odd, odd, even, .... repeating forever, because two odd numbers sum to an even, and then an even and odd produce an odd.

Because the smaller repeating group of 3 (odd, odd, even) is a factor of 24, they group together on an infinitely repeating basis:

CNV: 1 1 2 3 5 8 4 3 7 1 8 9 8 8 7 6 4 1 5 6 2 8 1 9

FN:  O O E O O E O O E O O E O O E O O E O O E O O E <-Odd Even

If FN has a _CNV2, then FN is even

If FN has a _CNV3, then FN is odd 

If FN has a _CNV4, then FN is odd 

If FN has a _CNV5, then FN is odd  

If FN has a _CNV6, then FN is odd 

If FN has a _CNV7, then FN is even 

If FN has a _CNV9, then FN is even 

If FN has a _CNV1, then FN is even 1/5 of the time, odd 4/5

If FN has a _CNV8, then FN is even 1/5 of the time, odd 4/5  

^Note: I have had a lot of fun researching the properties of Condensed Number Values since about age 10. When I was a child in church services (and bored), I would find the CNV of the offering and attendance numbers that were posted on the wall in the church sanctuary.

Please let me know if anything is unclear or if you believe I have made a mistake in my math, logic, or presentation. Thank you!

 

Update: 2012.09.08 - I found another website where someone else had published some of the same things I mentioned in this blog post. It has a publication date of May 2012, but I didn't copy that work.

Link: Fibonacci 24 Pattern

Invisible Instruments On The Moon

With thoughts of Neil Armstrong, I just realized that performing the act of "Air Guitar" on the moon would be referred to as "Vacuum Guitar".

Siri Us Stuff - I asked Siri "Is one-third of a lumberyard a lumberfoot?"

Tuned Watermelons: I discovered that you could arrange watermelons AT the groc store and play them like a xylophone. The couple shopping nearby thought it was cool. 

They were sniffing the cantaloupes. 

I asked them if they knew how to detect a cantaloupe that had been inspected several times but then rejected by other people. 

They said, "No"

I told them to look for several nostril impressions.

They laughed.

More things later ... maybe.

I Can't TeLL You

I laughed.

I told my wife, "I just thought of something funny that I can't teLL you, is that okay?"

She nodded her head yes.

It was something ironicaLLy funny (to me) that she would not have found funny, but it would have simply been more fuel for the fire of why she thinks someone I have a business contact is a dirty rotten scoundrel. So I wiLL keep that part of my his-story private.

This aLL is at the end of a long evening of unquiet. Now there is only the sound of the air conditioner humming along. The Cooper is complaining. I think he wants us to leave the kitchen area and come into the living room. I plan to make evening coffee first. The compressor for the air conditioner makes a slightly different noise as it starts up.

My wife says, "Is it fixing to rain?"

I respond, "No, that was the AC compressor coming on. It isn't so blazing hot now so that the compressor doesn't run 110 percent of the time. You just aren't used to hearing that noise."

It goes back to the main sound being the clicking noise of my iPad typing. Then I realize it is completely artificial, and I turn down the volume. So I turned down the volume - no luck, the keyboard STILL makes noise! There must be a separate control. There, I found the control that turns off the keyboard clicks at almost the same time that the AC compressor kicked back off. So now the only sound is the fan of AC unit, a distant teleBision, and my hurt shattered heart, I mean sadness, nothing cardiovascular.

Yes, I should actuaLLy make the coffee now ...

My Main Fun-ction In Life

My main function in life (at times) is to make my mother giggle.

I attempt this on a regular basis usuaLLy through the physical medium of telecommunication.

On the drive home from the automotive parts store after breaking something that was instaLLed too tightly by the representatives of Ford Motor Company and constructed of plastic, I invented something.

The newly invented something was a different voice for singing.

So I caLLed my mother during the long drive across the semi-barren rocky wasteland that makes up the terrain between Borger and Pampa. I told her that I was thinking about getting a newer Yamaha electronic synthesizer soon and that during the process of clearing my throat I invented something new (while thinking of synthesizer noises).

"What?" she asked.

"Its a singing voice combining these three elements:

   A) Robotic-electronic (with sharp raspy enunciation)
   B) Southern African American
   C) Female (think Tina Turner)

.... and I keep working on just one song, I'm On The Edge Of Glory"

I never actuaLLy perform The New Voice for my mother during the telephone conversation.

But first I am off to buy a torque wrench, to avoid the error of the previously paid automotive technician.

I asked my wife to guess the price of the failed plastic component, a cap for one of the two fuel filters.

"Ten dollars?", she guessed.

"Try seventy, before sales tax", I replied.

My wife recently saw the price tag for the Yamaha a few weeks ago and asked, "you really want to pay that much money for a keyboard?!?!?"

"No", I replied simply. I don't want to, but I think I need the device. I have wanted it for quite a long time. My wife is not a musician, so I am not sure she understands the purchase. The money eventuaLLy being spent is from a smaLL inheritence from my father, and I think he would be happy with my new noise maker. He liked it when I played the piano at his house.

I have lived way too much of my life without a piano.

Back to the wrench ....

I had caLLed Autozone while on my way to Pampa earlier and they had a torque wrench. They said they would hold it for me. When I arrived about an hour later after Pampa, I was told that there was s'pposedly one wrench in their store inventory, but, they couldn't find it in the store! So they had caLLed the Pampa store and it was sending a wrench over by delivery truck later that day. I could have simply picked it up in Pampa, but they had not taken down my ceLL number and couldn't contact me. So they took down my number and I waited for the truck and got busy doing a variety of things. But someone urgently needed a new AirCond motor, so I fixed my truck without a torque wrench in order to play super-hero and save a damsel in distress (heat).

But the wrench store never caLLed, so I guess I wiLL wander by there later today, a new day. I hope my wrench is waiting for me. I have other things to torque on my F-350. I think my agriculturist father, the master tinkerer and fixer-upper of antiquated combine harvesters, would be proud that I finaLLy have a torque wrench in my life.

The Cheese Dial in the Dark

At 8:45 PM this evening Sunday Aug 12th my dog Cooper began complaining for his daily evening treat of a piece of cheese. But I have begun waiting until nine o'clock to give it to him.

So I told my wife that he had to wait a few minutes.

Why?

I am doing an eXperiment.

I am going to see how weLL my dog can teLL time (internal clock) or how weLL he can pick up other time related clues, such as maybe when certain teleBision shows come on, or that it is dark outside.

Why??

Today on the Sunday morning teleBision show "Texas Country Reporter" there was a segment about a man in Arizona who makes eXtremely accurate sun dials. (yes, I know, you are probably wondering what part of Texas the Arizona is in; I asked myself the same question. If Texas is the real country, then Arizona is one of its 49 colonies. Arizona is a 2^nd tier colony, as it doesn't touch the boundary of the motherland of Texas, such as New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Lousiana, the four blessed 1^st tier colonies.)

So ... I wiLL try to keep track of when Cooper asks for his evening cheese by publishing updates to this blog post, but I wiLL also constantly reinforce the 9:00 PM "Giving Of The Cheese Houristically Allocated" (GOTCHA)

Definition: Houristic - adj - event timing characterized by a particular hour long block of time on a regular basis

Update: Time of Cheese Request - Target is 9 PM

Standardization: Wait for a request from dog. Ask him what he wants. He should respond with the word, "Lum" (his word for food), and his tongue wiLL flick outside his mouth, typicaLLy to the right side of his mouth, once. Then I wiLL ask him to show me what he wants, and he has to point at the refrigerator with his nose.

2012.08.30	9:35 PM
2012.08.29	8:57 PM
2012.08.27	8:38 PM
2012.08.26	8:43 PM
2012.08.25	Away From Home
2012.08.24	Away From Home
2012.08.23	Cooper was asleep
2012.08.22	8:55 PM
2012.08.21	8:40 PM
2012.08.20	Away From Home
2012.08.19	10:04 PM Cooper was asleep for about an hour
2012.08.18	Away From Home
2012.08.17	8:51 PM
2012.08.16	8:38 PM
2012.08.15	8:35 PM
2012.08.14	9:41 PM
2012.08.13	8:37 PM

Who?

My wife is watching the closing ceremony of the Olympics.

She says, "Well, I expect Elton John to perform and that other guy from over there."

I think about the (im)p0ssibilities 0f that statement f0r 600 millisec0nds.

I crack up laughing.

Comment from Marianne: "C'mon. You KNEW who she meant, right?"

Me: ActuaLLy, no, my first guess was Rod Stewart, but she eventuaLLy revealed Paul McCartney

A Violent Dream, But For A Noble Cause

So this is my latest reaLLy stupid dream.

In my dream is my dog Cooper. In the real world Cooper is a 100 pound German Shepherd - Husky mix, but in my dream he is a dauschund, a very small dog. On the inside its stiLL my same dog, personality, inteLLect, eXperiences ... just in a smaLLer package. I don't believe in reincarnaion, so maybe its a form of rein-canine-ation? Anyway, there is trouble, big trouble, for the smaLL package of new Cooper in dreamland.

In my dream a big dog has come along and snatched him up and decides to carry Re-Cooper away for what I can only guess a meal. I go running after the dog who is trying to eat my dog and screaming but the dog with a dog is faster than me, and Cooper-In-The-Mouth is strangely getting even graduaLLy smaLLer as the chase goes on and on. I pick up a 2x4 board trying to use it as an encouraging device to get the big dog to drop my little dog, but, no, he runs through a hole in the waLL and I scream, I have no way to follow, I can't get to the other side!

Dream ends.

Boom.

Snap.

I actuaLLy wake up to go check on my baby, yes, he is just fine, all 100 complete pounds. He wags his tail gently, "I love you, Ernie, you can go back to bed, itz zo-kay".

Eyes blink.

"Please turn off the hallway light, itz zin my eyes, on your way back to bed".

I CERNtainly Know What You Are Saying

I go into the local diner slash bar that serves my wonderful grilled chicken sandwich with bacon. One of the cooks comes out to chat with me. We had not seen each other in several weeks. We chat physics alot.

The following lines were the very beginning of our conversation and we both knew what the other person was talking about, three words each.

Cook: smiling, "They found it!"

Me: "Yes, I heard."

What?!?!?

Higgs Boson, sub-atomic particles, Large Hadron Collider, CERN, Switzerland; just your typical tiny Texas town diner dinner conversation content.

And to think we could have had a super collider in Texas a long time ago, but it got voted down.

Here is a cartoon #89 that I drew as part of my series "TINY PICTURES FROM My BRAIN". I think this was from about twenty years ago.

 

Link to "Tiny Pictures From My Brain"