The Beginning and Middle of the World

The "End of the World" is getting quite a bit of discussion lately. I thought I would add some clarity to the issue.

Nothing. 

That is about all I can tell you with absolute complete certainty.

Nothing.

My advice, or Something, to anyone who wants to listen, or to take my advice, is to keep right on doing what you were going to do before you ever heard about the coming May 21st, 2011 nonsense. So continue on with your "Middle of the World" activities. Take everyday one day at a time while logically and judiciously planning your future. I went to a funeral yesterday of the brother of my best friend. He was slightly younger than me. We had similar careers. We both had two children, only he had to watch both of his children pass away, one quite tragically, whereas mine are both still doing quite well. Cherish every day. Go ahead and work on some "Beginning of the Your World" activities as well, find some brand new things to do every once in awhile.

Enjoy.

Everything.

I think this particular church has a very clear message:

More ... I wonder if Hallmark will have a sale on their 'Happy End of The World!!!' cards next week, or save them for 'next' time at regular price?

Wonders:

I wonder if May 21st will continue to be known as End of the World Day on a permanent basis?
I wonder if it will then become a Federal Holiday?
If Yes&Yes, I wonder if the Federal Government will have it moved to the following Monday so that people can have a three day weekEND?
I wonder if this eXplains the sudden decrease in the wholesale price of dynamite?

(I was just teasing about the dynamite, just checking to see if you are awake OR still here.)

I wonder if the The End of The World actually happened BUT we were too busy to notice and




(Extra white space included for effect)

I wonder if anybody got scared when they read that last sentence of mine that ENDed abruptly incompletely with just an and?

‎(No, that last sentence wasn't meant to be tricky and end with another and because that and was meant as an object rather than a conjunction AND I did include the question mark after the and) (hehe, actually I planned that one as well, I'm still here, "thinking" while successfully ending yet another two sentences with 'and')

Ha Ha He He Ho Ho

Mmm, I just discovered Lemon Pecan Creme Cake from United Supermarket, good stuff, really good stuff! BUT the lid for the container izzzzzzz eXtremely difficult to remove, especially for the elderly and the semi- elderly (me). AND they need to come in WIFEproof and nonWIFEproof containers.

You are probably asking yourself right about now what 'cake' has to do with 'The End of The World' - see section "find some brand new things to do every once in awhile", mmmm, new cake. Actually, it was "old cake", past its eXpiration date, it's END TIME, but it didn't seem to know that and was quite quite good anyway. Moist.

The Power of One

I did not win the Texas Lotto last night but I thought the winning number pattern was interesting: 12 21 24 41 42 48

Plus the winning amount was 11 million

‎... Which no one won (hehe one one 11)

One-der-full !!

(Happiness comes through mathematical regularity)

((If you are disappointed by this particular blog post, trust me, all the rest are much much better than this one, maybe even much much much better, but certainly not much much much much better. You would not BELIEVE how many times I had to re - type the word 'much' just then just to make it all pretty, but I did it all just for you, my adoring fans, including fixing both of the occurrences of the word 'just' and one time fixing the word 'the'))

Actually, my irritation with my clothes washer was probably more interesting, but not by much:

Dear General Electric: I hate the logic of your clothes washer "computer"(?). IF I forget to close the lid after putting in the clothes while it is filling up with water, I DON'T want the water to drain completely IF I don't shut the lid within a few minutes. Can't you design it with a speaker and a loud message, "Master Ernest, come close the lid!!!" ?

My GE clothes DRYER comes with a built-in end-of-cycle annoying buzzer (selectable, of course)

Yours truly,

A FORMER stockholder of GE

Imagine All The Mantises

May 16th, 2011

This morning my imaginary psychiatrist tells me, "So let me get this straight, the reason why you are depressed is because its 11 days after May 5th and you haven't been able to find a praying mantis named 'Polly Jr' to be your insect friend for this year? I don't think I have a drug for this particular situation"

My favorite East Coast pen-pal replied: You're not depressed. You are just not in the mood to kick my butt in our mantirace this year....hoping to find my babies on the deck this week!

[The 'mantirace' that she refers to is supposedly a competition between us that she started to see who could be the first one to find a praying mantis for a pet. The plural of mantis is mantises and I was reading the wikipedia article about John Lennon yesterday, so that is the origin of the blog post title]

My reply: Yes, its just imaginary depression to go along with the storyline. I am enjoying getting my wood posts put in place for the grapes and hope to string up the wires later this week. We are just busy in the middle of so many things, this isn't even CLOSE to being retirement, more like re-tired-meant. Coopie is pretty much doing fine, being silly every once in awhile, just like his royal servants E & T.

I did have a dream later in the day during my afternoon nap where I laid something green on the kitchen countertop and right before my eyes it slowly turned into a giant praying mantis.

Update 2011.05.18

I found this year's praying mantis to be my 'Coffee Companion in the Mornings", meet Polly Jr !!! 

(My pen-pal from the Northwest wants the name 'Pollyanna' - my reply, "How about 'Polly Ester' ?")

This is the link to last year's blog post of my adventures with my praying mantis named Polly

Update 2011.07.08
Yea! I finally got to play with my praying mantis who lives indoors, he/she came out of hiding yesterday, and I taught him/her how to play "Infinite Stairway" walking up my hands. He/She has tamed down considerably today, readily transferring from my hand to a leaf and vice versa calmly. There are a couple more that I have seen on my outdoor plants, one on a tomato plant, and another on a grape vine. I didn't have much luck training them just yet.

Extremely Large Brown Wooden Holes For Sale

If I wanted to buy a big brown wooden hole at an angle complete with chain, I think I "wood" pick the $15 dollar "Momma Bear" one, it is almost as big as the $30 dollar "Papa Bear" model. The $10 dollar "Baby Bear" just doesn't have e-nough angle for me, and it doesn't have the "Everyday Low Price" sign.

You can roughly tell how large they are compared to the soda pop machine on the left side.

(These aren't really for sale - they are the empty containers that hold the plastic wading pools for small children and large dogs like my Cooper)

I Make A Trump-ette Noise

I thought I would make my own Trump-like announcement that I, too, am not running for the Office of the President of the United States of America, nor will I accept a nomination from my party.

One of my friends commented an hour or so later: I WILL accept a nomination to a party....oh...wait...oops

My response: I am making my own party, of sorts, jacket on, sitting outside in my vineyard (so far no grapes, so its still just vines in yard, but hopefully get grapes this year), full-ish moon rising over the trees, doggie-doggie by my side (eXcept when barKing at neighbors walking by), light wind, no one asking me to kill anyone in PickAStan, any -stan, but the night is young. Coffee Time

Cooper and I returned to the great dark-ish outdoors with coffee.

After a half hour I said, ‎"Cooper, we should go inside now before you get sprayed by a skunk ... well, more importantly, before I get sprayed by a skunk"

In other recent Presidential nonsense, I found this for the other side of the aisle, a strange highly imprecise vague statement from CNN:

"The president and First Lady Michelle Obama had assets valued between $2.8 million and $11.8 million in 2010."

The ratio of the high/low is about 4. I will go ahead and report that our assets for 2010 were somewhere between -11.9 million and +11.9 million. (Notice that I was tricky and left off the $ sign, so maybe I meant pennies, nickels, dimes, yen, or seashells.)

My New Improved Prehensile Toes

While sweeping the kitchen floor early this morning I found one of Cooper's tennis balls and moved it near his water bowl to be sure no humans trip on it. Then I got the bright idea to see if I could pick up the tennis ball using just my toes and the ball of my left foot. I have been wearing Vibram FiveFingers shoes since February and wanted to see if there was a noticeable (and novel) improvement in my toe strength and dexterity. I tried several times and then the right foot, but couldn't quite grasp it to lift it off the ground. Then I noticed his box of used raw hide chew fragments just inches away, and so I tried using the wall and the top of my foot, and carefully cupping & balancing, I was able to lift it up and put the ball in the box!

So then I decided that maybe the worn surface of the dog-abused-used tennis ball might not lend itself to monkey toes, and went to the cabinet where I thought the new tennis balls were located. At first I didn't find the new tennis ball which later proved even less toe graspable, but I did find a raquetteball from my wife's physical therapy moments (she only used it one day). The raquetteball was just a little smaller and had a better surface for grasping with skin and I was able to pick it up off the ground with just the bottom of my foot! So don't be surprised to find me in a zoo cage some day.

While checking the spelling for 'prehensile' I found an article in Wikipedia for ...drum roll, please... Prehensile Feet!

I probably won't tell my wife this story. She has had enough fun already telling me that my toes look like gorilla feet when I wear my Vibram black and charcoal grey TrekSports. Thats one of the reasons I now wear the more colorful KomodoSport model.

JoinWhatWhoWhy?

Here is part of my today after dealing with the Great Blogger Collapse of Twenty-Eleven. Luckily I stopped trusting CERTAIN people a long long time ago and have a backup copy of the blog post they lost (Extremely Large Brown Wooden Holes For Sale). I will hook it back in place later today.

I saw a Facebook ad that said "Join Tommie Lee Jones", and I thought, "How Can I Do That?!?!?" Do I really want to be physically attached to him, say, maybe superglued?? Are there going to be others hooked on as well? Then I thought maybe ToLeJo is falling apart and they are raising money to put him back together, i.e. Humpty Dumpty Jones. The least I can do is this: "TommieLeeJones"

My wife gets out of the shower this morning and yells into the bedroom, "Get outta bed, you lazy bum, I'm ready to go to breakfast, I'm hungry!", but then moments later she realizes that her silliness has been wasted as I am outside having coffee with Rover-Rover-Pupstinator admiring my vineyard-in-progress. So she was wrong about something at least once this decade. At least her silliness is slowly increasing over time, a very good thing for me - my diabolical plan for her is working (evil mad scientist in a deep dark la-bor-at-ory laughter sound effect goes here).

While we were playing fetch with his squeaky ball Cooper accidentally let it get away and it wound up at the bottom of a post hole. I get the post hole digger to recover his toy only to discover that he had already put a tennis ball in it before on purpose. I am going to be doubly sure the holes are empty before setting the poles in place.

Cooper likes to wander around the "construction site" peering down into all the post holes, making sure that he looks down into all of them. Perhaps I should rename him 'Snoop-y'? I wonder if he is impressed with my hole digging abilities, able to go so deep and uniformly shaped(?)

(The Shower: Part Two)

Monday, Three Days Later

I start the water in my shower and go to get a cup of coffee that should be finished brewing by now, while the shower warms up. After I get my cup of coffee and I'm headed back to the bathroom I see my wife enter ahead of me and start talking to the shower thinking I am in there. So I quietly continue on into the bathroom and she is startled, saying, "I thought you were in the shower!", and then I know my plan has worked.

New Photo Blog: Finding The Cute of The Universe

I have a new blog for certain adorable photos:

Finding The Cute of The Universe

Salvador Dalí Designed My Steering Wheel

Dream: In my truck you can remove the steering wheel to use it for other purposes but you are left with a somewhat functional limp droopy hologram version of a steering wheel. I tried driving the 18 wheeler (Freightliner, of course) with the virtual steering wheel but it proved too dangerous and difficult.

I never got around to figuring out what the other uses were for the detached real steering wheel other than it was a popular/common occurance to see all the other truck drivers in the restaurant with their steering wheel laying on their tables. Maybe there will be a follow up dream to explain the unanswered questions in my mind.

I was a safe driver. I only drove with the unreliable virtual steering wheel for a brief time period and didn't have an accident.

It was odd that I had the wrong Freightliner model in my dream. It was my favorite one, their smallest M2 Business Class with four full doors, which isn't used in eighteen-wheeler combinations.

Extra: I found out that today is supposedly International Monty Python Awareness Day. I think it would be fitting for Monty Python Awareness Day to be plural in nature, "Days", where it is celebrated in only one country on any given day of the year, and every country has to have a designated MPAD, including NorKor, from "The Committee Who Assigns". There could be Python Pilgrimages that snake from country-to-country and people could dress up in medieval costumes complete with coconuts for transportation.

Extra Extra: I popped a Wint-O-Green Life Savers mint in my mouth just seconds before someone called. He asked me to confirm the receipt of his e-mail so that I could respond with some business info. BUT when I tried to read the details on the screen my tongue was overcome by the heavy mint flavor and I messed up and told him, "Sorry I am being 'mint'-ally challenged today with my speaking"

Dream Link: The Next Dream in My Blog

A Story About N0thing

I love "my" new Dyson DC25 "Animal" vacuum cleaner, but it was terribly eXpensive so I am starting a new maid service to pay for it. A "vacuuming-only" maid service.

From the wife: "I luv it cause I do not have to vacumn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (her typo, not mine)

It turns on a dime with the giant ball instead of wheels for its transport system. Its much lighter than previous vacuum units, and thats important for elderly, tired, hard working [ha-ha] people like me.

The Dyson is much quieter than our previous vacuums. I don't have to wear ear plugs and it doesn't scare the household's small furry animals, wolfie & wifey, aka Cooper & Tamie. I thought of a great name for my vacuuming business. Since a true vacuum (like in outer space) is a region of emptiness, the name I chose for my business is 'N0thing'.

The second character of "N0thing" is the number zero, preferably in Italics where possible.

The Big Hug Theory

Nearly 2 AM

That was a different subject matter sandwich: I was just studying physics and got interrupted for a few minutes to research the history of certain teleBision soap operas, and now I am back to physics. I think I need some coffee now.

Moments later my best friend asked: "When do you sleep?"

Ernest: "In between not sleeping"

I am in favor of renaming the physics theory "The Big Bang" to something nicer sounding, with my first choice: "The Big Hug"

The Big Ban(g)

There are clearly discernable stages/eras to The Big Bang:

The Big Ban - The federal gov't took away alcohol during Prohibition, hence no final G ("G"-overnment)

The Big Ben - someone in England made a clock! (actually this one doesn't count since the vowel morphed/rotated from an "a" to an "e" - well, it looks that way if you use the right font). Probably a gravitational force anomaly, spiral galaxies formed, -ok,ok,ok- it can stay in the list.

The Big Band - An era of music where large densely packed groups of mainly men played music. These groups of stars eventually disbanded forming smaller groups, such as The Frank Sinatra, The Rat Pack, and The Beatles. Sometimes the gravitational force was great enough to form extremely long lasting smaller groups such as The Rolling Stones or Keith Moon (I know, some of you will say, "Who?", and my response is "The Who")

The Big Bank - this was an era where money and value collected but then seemed to disappear very suddenly, very dark-enly.

The Big Banff - Canada makes a park! (They obviously stutter or really like redundant f's)

The Bag Bin - this is the name of the current era of recycling where large stores that giveaway plastic bags now offer receptacles to recycle them, a reversal of vowels, "a" place where "I" can put them. This may be signaling a collapse of the universe in a "re"-cyclic manner.

Dear Sista' (my BFF from earlier in this blog post, not a real sister - these are our nicknames for each other),

Immediately after posting this I took a nap.

Love,

Your Brotha'

You Are There, I Am Here

My Facebook status a few minutes ago: Since my current non-US readership for the day is entirely euro-ish with Denmark, France, Russia, Poland, Austria and Romania, I feel obligated to say something funny about the Franco-Prussian War, but it eludes me.

Facebook's response? Instant advertisements for the pages "Funny" with a geriatric smiling face of questionable gender with my follow-up question: "Is that a hat or a hairpiece?", and the second page being "Romania" with what appears to be a distortedly shaped flag,,,,lets confirm the flag - - - yes, the Romanian flag was distorted, the three vertical bars are s'pposed to be equal sized.

Oh, the ratio of FB "Likes", Funny vs Romania, humor beat the country by about [mental math] 5 to 1, which, considering the last several decades, makes sense.

‎877,256 / 177,828 = 4.93317, [calculator, not me] so yes, lets just call it five.

Update: several minutes later Germany shows up, so Yea! The gang is all here!

The answer to your question is: YES! - I realize this is a very lame blog post but I am in a very silly mood this morning. My previous FB status was questionably slightly better:

I saw something from National Geographic - "A gnawed fossil skull points to 'a really aggressive encounter' between two giant dolphin-like reptiles." - and I thought, "I think I will start using this as a verbal eXcuse for everything that mysteriously appears damaged in my life, beginning with the breakfast at Bennigan's"

Update: As I was driving away from the groc store I told myself that I wish I was better at making wishes. My next thought was debating whether that was a wasted wish. I still don't have an answer several minutes later. It's been that kinda day. But groc shopping had moments of eXtreme hilarity with The Guys in The Produce section mocking Prince's "When Doves Cry"

Just at eXactly at the same moment that my hand reached for a purple onion I thought, "Isn't this a song from The Prince 'Purple Rain' album" ?, an album I have never owned. ...checking... Yes, side B of the album, first track, 5:54, but I think the groc store Produce Boys version was longer.

Update: Status of Day Number Two in the Great 'Let's Find An Insect To Be Your Friend Again' Search: Failure - No can find um a cute lil praying mantis to be this year's Polly Jr.

Will continue an eXhaustive search high and low for a tiny tiny green alien looking being with a triangular head willing to spend time with me in the mornings during coffee.

Link to last year's adventures with Polly, The Staying Praying Mantis

Stop Eat Throw

I'm collecting money to stop The Grand Canyon. It's eating North America!

Like

I have photographic evidence that this is really happening and no one appears to be trying to stop it! Millions of people just go there and look at it and do nothing!

Like

For each $10,000 that I collect I will personally drive there and throw in one very large rock.

Like

Notice that I have already clicked the 'Like' button, so you don't have to do that, just send money, HURY! (00pzie - I got in too big of a hury I left off an 'R' - 00pz, I did it again.)

Like

I will soon be distributing collection jugs in restaurants and C-stores to make it easier to donate!

Like

T-Shirrts! Mugs! Trravel Logs of my jourrneys to the Big Giant Crrack Eating NA! Panorramic picturres of the destrruction! Soon available forr $$$$

STOP
EAT
THROW

Like

Amount Collected So Far: $0.00

Tiny Mint Flavored Knives & The Sodium Chef

We recently ate at a restaurant (non-Borger, Texas) where the primary ingredient in the BBQ meat appeared to be salt instead of pork and the side dish could more aptly be called Mustard Salad with a slight potato flavor. The fouth time I tried to take a bite of the MUSTARD/potato "something", my left hand actually slapped my right hand as punishment.

Typo: "fouth" should have been "fourth" but that is what the word sounds like after my mouth has had too muth (much) salt.

I feel that I can not give a proper review of the beans as they were the third item that I attempted to eat after destroying my taste buds with S&M (Salt & Mustard). My wife said, "At least the bread tastes ok" to which I responded, "But honey, that's the only thing they actually didn't cook, they just took it out of the package (thankfully)". The generous mountain of onion rings were actually quite good for their style of batter, but it just happens to be a style I don't care for, so they were the only positive thing about the meal, other than the laughter. We were in agreement that was one pig that had died in vain. There was plenty of uneaten meat at the end of the meal, but I like Cooper way too much to let him eat any of it. He got freshly cooked (by Ernest) registered ground Angus mixed with dry dog food and topped with cheese, Kraft American, diced, so he ate much better than we did for the evening meal.

It took a few hours for my mouth to recover from the meal. My wife gave me a piece of gum on the drive home and when I put it in my mouth it felt like chewing tiny mint flavored steak knives.

As a spin on the words "Iron Chef" from teleBision, I created the term "Sodium Chef" for the evening's metal of abuse.

We graciously accepted the giant styrofoam to-go container that the waitress had brought us without asking for. But we soon found the nearest dumpster at a convenience store for Tamie to throw it into. BUT in her weakened condition of malnutrition, sodium overdose and laughter she missed getting it into the dumpster during the drive-by. The dumpster only had a tiny opening of five feet across at it narrower distance, so I had to drive back around the C-store to pick it off the ground, as I didn't want any raccoons to be hurt by the leftovers.

My tongue finally recuperated after a frozen strawberry fruit bar AND time. I haven't checked yet this morning to be sure Tamie is still alive. I know Cooper is. He is asking for breakfast.

Pre-Birthers

So if you want to be involved with another Presidential controversy (and I really don't, I'm just pointing out the simple math here), then if you calculate the difference between the parents of Obama wedding date of February 2, 1961 and Barak's birthdate of August 4, 1961, do the math and that is only 6 months, so most likely he was conceived out of wedlock.

So would people who argue about this be called "pre-birthers"?

Reference for dates was the Wikipedia article for Barak H. Obama

Disclaimer: I don't support the "Birther" arguments or imply that even if Barak was conceived out of wedlock that he is unqualified to be President on that account. I'm just creating a new label for a conspiracy group, just being my lil ole inventive self. Actually none of us knows for sure where or when we were actually or accurately born, as our memories don't typically go back that far. We depend on others to let us know.

So there is always the slim chance that someone else has lied about your true citizenship without you knowing about it. I'm pretty sure if you've always thought of yourself as a U.S. Citizen from birth, even if you really aren't, you have the proper frame of mental citizenship that the founding fathers were looking for in order to be qualified to lead your fellow like-minded citizens.

Why Did The Vampire Chicken Swim Across The River?

You can even get a live chicken at certain convenience stores in Amarillo TX if you are fast enough. I didn't see a price tag or bar code. This was at St Francis Blvd near the Dumas highway.

Message from a Friend: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get a burrito and a Talsup!

(For all the non-locals: a Tal-Sup is a very Tall soft drink in a large plastic cup from Allsup's brand convenience stores)

Response from Ernest: That's why the chicken was so irritated, it's a Toot N Totum, not an Allsup's. (actual street address for the convenience store is 5424 River Road, so yes, 'ROAD'!!!)

Notice this one is not a vampire chicken, you can see its reflection in the vehicle.

One Summer Was OK

I remember getting dirty in OK(-lahoma) as a child. We lived there briefly when I was around seven as my mother finished her education for being a teacher.

I remember milk being delivered door-to-door, ordering chocolate milk with just a slip of paper!

I remember collecting tadpoles at my second cousin's place, a huge collection.

I remember his small fountain dispensor for Coca-Cola.

I remember learning about how graveyards "worked" for the first time and cried.

I remember watching my infant brother simultaneously enjoy eating watermelon and wiping out a diaper.

One summer, probably my eighth one.

---

My aunt asked me if I was writing a novel.

My response:

I am always writing something. I think this particular piece is my 316th blog post in 45 months, which doesn't include my 9 collections of 100 MySpace & Facebook status, with a few uncollected things as well. I really need to finish a poem called "Sam Sang A Song Into My Samsung Phone", but I have just been a little too busy during the last probably two years since I started and almost completed it, plus the rhyming patterns are very complex and Dr Seuss-like. At least I finally got the "Moonshine" episode published for my space alien alter ego novel-in-episodes put online recently, but still have a couple episodes floating in my head, including one where I reveal where Obama really was "born", as well as one 'complete' motion picture screenplay. And there is the musical called "Wahoo! Nebraska!" about a guy trying to write a musical about Wahoo, NE but he fails miserably at it and its really just about living in Texas and the adventures with his dog. I'm just busy selling [Vibram FiveFingers] shoes at the moment, but hopefully get to come to SoDak soon to see you.

How Apple Stole 692 iPads from Us

How terrible! Apple Inc told me what the dimensions were for my IPad screen and I was perfectly haPPy with things UNTIL just a few moments ago I noticed that the screen wasn't a perfect rectangle, it has rounded off CORNERS!

So if each iPad is missing maybe 8 pixels from each corner, that would be 32 per iPad so ... Hold it, I have to run off to get more info to comPlete this silly thought, be back in a moment ...

Info From Apple: 1024-by-768-pixel resolution at 132 pixels per inch (ppi) ... so that would be 786,432 pixels total per screen. So 32 lost or stolen pixels would mean there is a "missing" iPad for every (786432 divided by 32 = 24576) 24576 iPads that are produced. Now off to find how many iPads have been made ....

Missing: 692

It aPPears there are around 17 million iPads in the world aPProximately at this moment, so 17 million divided by 24576 = 692 (rounded off to a whole number) missing iPads based on stealing 32 pixels per screen. I chose the number 8 (per corner) because a corner pattern of 4,2,1,1 missing pixels was about the smallest that I could imagine that would give a rounded corner effect.

Example Using an X for Each Pixel:

X X X X.

X X.

X.

X.

I thought that a pattern of 2,1 wouldn't be as round. So I might be off on the number of pixels per corner, which would change the number of missing iPads. I may be able to create a simPle drawing to test the math. More later today when I can work from a real PC with Paint in order to draw at the pixel level, then pull it up on my iPad for a comParison.

I would have used a division sign of DOBOD, dot-over-bar-over-dot, instead of the words "divided by", but Apple Inc didn't provide one on their keyboard, just + - and * (for multiplication) .... well, I guess there is the "/" character available for division, sorry, my bad, forgot about that, oh well, just pretend this paragraph doesn't exist, like the corners of your screen.

I can hoPe that no one writes a serious story about any inaccuracies in my 2 AM silly story that under or over-estimates the number of The Missing iPads. Blame it on insomnia. I am pretty sure homeless peoPle are still a larger real problem and they need our helP more than The Mysteriously Missing 692 iPixel iPackages. So the next time you see a rounded corner on anything that should be square, give a dollar to the next homeless person that you meet. They could probably use a square meal.

Death By Cinnamon

> I <  am attempting to overdose on Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire Hard Candy. 

So far, its not working.

I have at least accomplished my sub-goal of 'welding' two pieces of candy together in my mouth!

Now adding a third piece ...>   <

Several seconds later ‎... DONE !!!

‎(sorry, no photos)

Uh-Oh, my tongue got too wild and it broke apart. Repair process initiATEd .....

Several seconds later ‎... done

(trust me, you don't wanna see photos)

From Friend Number One: My favorite flavor!

Response to Friend Number One: mine too ! It helps me stay on my "diet"

Friend Number Two said: "Ooo! YUM!"

WMT has them for $2.14 for a 13 oz (368 g) package. They were over twice as expenpensive at the groc store. Tamie likes them too. The last ingredient on the list is 'Sulfur Dioxide' - a poisonous gas! - with its stated use of 'to maintain freshness'.

Oops, sorry, got carried away typing 'expensive' in the previous paragraph, I had accidentally hit the C instead of V earlier and maybe retyped extra stuff as well. Headache land.

I dialed the 1-800-468-1714 phone number on the side of the bag hoping for a suicide help desk, but itz just customer service at JolRanLyCher, a division of Hershey's, and open only M-F, 9-4 EST, now, what kinda suicide hotline is that!!!! (just teasing, I didn't really dial the number - I just ate another piece of can-dy)

(Just in case you were confused, my feeble attempt at artwork >   < was supposed to be a piece of Jolly Rancher Cinnamon Fire candy with the > and < on the ends being the twisted plastic wrapper BUT the browser puts a funny line on top of the candy in certain Browsers like FireFox BUT it looks okay INSIDE the WYSIWYG editor of Blogger. Frustrating)

Jehoviah, Clean Up At Counter Number Four

Laughter finds me. Laughter defines me. Laughter hunts me down and tackles me and confines me in a hilarious twisted ball of pain, good momentary pain, sometimes, and I take down innocent victims with me in a whirlpool of fool swirl, and in this case, girls gasping for oxygen hanging on for some sense of verticality.

All the innocent victims of this true tale are female and young except me.

Blame it on dessert; blame it partially on a desert.

I am at the groc store at the end of an eXtra long and tiring day of noble accomplishments on a final mission, the sole purpose to find I Scream -only vanilla will do- for peach cobbler that is supposed to be baking at home.

I get to the checkout line with the ice cream plus a recharge of frozen cobbler for the future. Person A checks my items and Person J (not B - more later) asks me if I want paper or plastic, just as Person C walks up and tells Person J,

"You know what, I tried to find your name in -[something, maybe Facebook: I don't remember what it was that Person C was searching - the word got lost in the following mayhem, and it doesn't really matter] and I couldn't find it because I thought your name was Je-ho-vi-ah.", pronouncing it slowly.

Instantly the eyes of Person E (me), Person A twisting around, and Person J are tightly focused on J's name tag which she flips up to read for herself, her own name upside down as if she had forgotten who she was, and all three of us immediately realize that there is NO "H" -OR- "V" on the inside of Person J's real name in order to even generate the sounds for middle 'Jehoviah'.

Person J exclaims "WHAT?!?!?" and we all crack up laughing really hard, with Person J finally regaining a little composure to ask Person C "how on earth did you get 'Jehoviah' out of my name J_____h?" but before Person C could answer her, Person E (me) said,

"In the entire history of mankind no one has ever used the word 'Jehoviah' until just now, its been rolling around in her head (pointing at Person C) for awhile to be revealed in a Raiders Of The Lost Ark sort of way " - new round of laughter causes Person A to double over onto the checkout counter almost flipping onto the floor, exclaiming, "oh my stomach hurts so bad!" - Person E continues barely able to stand, noticing the person behind me in line, also female, is now lightly laughing too, "but there was that time about 4,000 years ago when the Jews were wandering around in the wilderness and when one of them would use the word 'Jehoviah' instead of [The Correct Form of The Word] someone would point at them" - and Person E (me) pointed his right index finger at Person J - "and would say, 'his throat is dry, QUICK!, get him a drink of water!" - which sent our now growing groaning group of laughterers spiraling out of control with Person J stumbling in circles clutching her abdomen, I just knew somebody was going to get fired for laughing too hard, - then Person E (me) finished, "but she [now pointing at Person C] has brought this Word back to us, and we thank you".

A fresh round of laughter and body gyrations with verbal pain moan complaints sends the group to grab hold of the nearest railing or railing equivalents for support as if a localized earthquake had struck our tiny part of the globe. It had. An L wave of Laughter.

I finally got my credit card to work, while we all slowly regained our composure in fits and starts and giggles, and Person J accompanied me to the exit door of the groc store trying to close down for the evening. She said, "I hope we made your day", laughing, handing me my sack of frozen goodies and Person E (still me) said, "Well, at least you learned how to properly mispronounce your name, Jehoviah, I mean, J_____h"

I coughed all the way home, dangerously close to being violently sick and my throat hurt for a few hours. Relief only came eventually with enough vanilla I Scream and cobbled peaches.

&^)

A Window-Window Situation

Several weeks ago a drunk driver smashed a pickup truck into a west side window of a restaurant across the street from our business. He only went about a block from the bar on Main Street and I believe that he also hit two other vehicles before jumping the very high curb into the window.

But he appears to be a very "obedient" drunk driver. He may have been confused by "instructions" from the giant sign with bright yellow letters, way high up on the south side of the restaurant:

'Drive Thru Window'

A friend made mention of the drunk driver that smashed into her house about a year ago causing extensive damage to her home and wiping out one of her vehicles.

My Response: I agree, your acci-dent was significantly more exciting. Its a good thing you didn't have a "Drive Thru Window" sign on the side of your house, the drunk driver might have tried to use it as an excuse. I might recommend installing a DTW sign, complete with lights, (maybe neon?) on a nearby neighbors house just in case an obedient drunk driver comes Thru your neighborhood looking for a Window. But a tree, preferably a stout one, would be safer than a house as a sign mount. Well, maybe not for the driver.

Invention: Maybe drunk drivers would respond to a bright light the same way an insect is attracted to a light at night. You could mount a GPS-navigation-computer controlled light (like a heads up display in a military aircraft) in the "cockpit" of the drunk drivers car. Then when he got ready to go home he could punch a single house shaped button on the dash. The light could indicate which direction to turn the wheel, maybe even help with the gas and brake pedals, too. (Of course pushing the house shaped button could also call the cops AND disable his ignition system)

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

An Ibuprophen, A Tylenol and An Advil Walk Into A Bar-rier

Strrrange Dream:

My ex-boss gives me an ibuprophen, Tylenol, and Advil at the same time.

I begin choking on them.

He doesn't notice.

I quote fix unquote myself.

I notice a fourth pill.

"What iz thiz oze?"

"Which oze?"

"Thiz oze?"

"I don't kzow, juzt take all of them"

"Okay"

I don't choke the next time.

This time he notices that I don't choke and mentions it.

(Yes, the letter 's' and 'n' were rotated in some places in the lines of dialogue in my dream. Maybe it was because I was asleep, "zzzzz", ???, who knows. The particular ex-boss in this dream is actually a very nice person and would never hurt me. I didn't mention his name on purpose.)

Dream Link: The Next Dream in My Blog

Air Traffic Game Controllers

My solution for air traffic controllers who fall asleep on the job: Have them work on a variable speed treadmill that someone else controls instead of a desk. Then if they fall asleep it probably won't be for long. (Head goes BAM!!!) It would probably be a great selling Wii game, and turn ATControllers into super athletes. Then there would be salary deals, agents and tournaments.

I'm beginning to smell lotza money!!!

Install video cameras so we can watch ATControllers on internet web cams as well. Perhaps there could be a reward system for catching an ATController falling asleep? A reality teleBision show maybe, with teams? I'm hoping there are no islands involved though, or mazes to race. Just treadmills.

I figure if a semi-elderly John Madden can keep having "new" football games from year to year, then I should get in on the action too with "Ernest S B Boston's AirTrafCon 2011" for Wii, Playstation, and X-Box.

Invention Link: The Next Invention in My Blog

Portuguese Version: Controladores de Jogos de Tráfego Aéreo

Schrödinger's New Improved Cat

I think I figured out a solution to the physics thought problem "Schrödinger's Cat" after reading a news article this morning, "Scientists Teleport Schrödinger's Cat". BUT, surprise surprise, there was no actual cat involved, only light.

I propose to put a door handle on the inside of Schrödinger's box and then train a cat to open the door on command. The command is sent by using a cell phone with a ring tone that the cat understands as the signal to open the door. If I can't find a cat that is smart enough to do this task then a dog will be auditioned instead. My news headline, if successful, will be "Scientist Telephones Schrödinger's Pet".

I wasn't sure which ring tone to use for sure, but then I thought that another experiment to do first would be to play various teleBision commercials for feline products and see if any of them give a consistent positive response from a cat. Perhaps the Meow Mix commercial, that sounds like a good place to start.

But because I deeply care for dogs I will not let a dog volunteer to do the experiment until he completely understands the risks involved (death) and the dog can clearly communicate that understanding in English. The dog doesn't necessarily have to be able to speak, any form of valid communication such as sign language or typing on a computer keyboard would be equally acceptable.

Reference about a group of scientists claiming to have transported Schrödinger's Cat. See link: News Story

Here is a link to the wikipedia article on Schrödinger's Cat: To Meow Or Not To Meow, That Is The Question

Of course I figured you could always just get really close to the box and yell, "CAT, GET OUT OF THE BOX BEFORE YOU DIE!!!"

Update: I just saw a great T-shirt at SNORGTEES. It has a picture of a cat on an Old West style wanted poster, with the words [Wanted - Dead & Alive - Schrödinger's Cat] notice, that was an ampersand, (i.e. "AND"), not the word "OR". Love it! It would be great if they had it in inventory AND didn't have it in your size.

Link to T-shirt

What I Did On My Summer Vacation: Fooled NASA

Episode 6

When I first heard about the NASA project to look for water on the moon I was humored, because I had already been to the moon several times just as soon as I had my Morgan utility building coverted to a spacec-raft. I even built a spacesuit for Cooper. Getting a dog into a spacesuit turned out to be a difficult task, but we finally made it. He didn't enjoy the trip to the moon but really enjoyed playing ball on the moon and jumping really high. We go back every couple of weeks. The thirty minute lunar trip by MMB - Modified Morgan Building is actually faster than going by car to the veterinarian for his annual visit.

I had already searched all over the moon, including the dark side and found no significant amounts of water. So I made another trip to both poles just to be sure - nope - didn't find any. Surprisingly I did find Santa Claus at the North Pole of the moon! (Not really, just kidding.)

But then later I came up with a great practical joke of hauling water to the moon so that when they measured for water, NASA would find water there. I inflitrated their computer systems to find the exact location they planned to smash their projectile into the surface of the moon. The dust raised by the projectile would then be analyzed by a second NASA spacecraft right behind the projectile.

I began hauling several thousand gallons of water by using a railroad tanker hooked to the MMB and draining a half inch of water from the Lake Meredith reservoir in the process. The tank was insulated so the water wouldn't freeze until it got to the moon. So the water turned to a mixture of ice chunks and snow during the spray process at the lunar polar cap. I used a special netting process to be sure that no significantly sized animals were harmed in the process of getting the lake water. The last thing I need is for PETA to be on my case. Its bad enough having the federal bad boys trying to find you all the time.

But then I eXpanded the practical joke. I realized that the analyzer would be scanning for molecules besides water so I decided to add another ingredient to the lunar ice - Tang !!! I researched where to find some and found out where NASA actually had stored several hundred thousand pounds of Tang leftover from the Apollo missions. I realized it would have been far far easier to just make my own Tang using nano-factory technology, but I thought it would be more interesting to have NASA "discover" their own Tang without realizing it was theirs. So stealing half of their Tang supply from a warehouse in Alabama was accomplished in about a week including the time it took to spread it around the surface on the lunar ice layer.

I was pretty well pleased with my great practical joke BUT then I came up with an even better idea than the Tang ingredient. Why not put moonshine on the moon?!?!? I knew that the water analyzer would be able to pick up an ethyl alcohol molecule as well AND the chemical analyzer used light in the instrumentation detector process, so light=shine, moon, moonshine! Perfect!

I decided to make the alcohol on earth and then haul it to the moon. I was starting to run out of time so I stole, excuse me, borrowed another railroad car. After delivering the moonshine to the moon, I reconstructed a moonshine operation that I found in the backwoods of Alabama not far from the Tang warehouse. I thought it would be great fun to turn NASA into a branch of the ATF, (Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms) by having them unknowingly smash a moonshine still operation with their projectile.

So the next time you look at the moon and it appears to have a bit of orange color at the bottom, the tinge is Tang.

Ah Mom, All The Other Kids Are Getting Space Shuttles!

Ah, I just found out that I missed out for the bidding process for a used space shuttle from NASA.

Oh well, at least I have my Morgan brand utility building turned into a space craft, but with the price of diesel, I don't use it as much. See story episode #2:
'No, I Am The Sultan of Swing'
- in the adventures of my space alien alter ego.

Link: no-i-am-the-sultan-of-swing

Response from a Friend: What would you do with a space shuttle?

Response to Friend: What would I do with a space shuttle? Why, practically everything!

A) Get groceries
B) Carport for my Ford F-350 monsta' truck
C) Slightly deeper pool for Cooper
D) Cruise Main Street on Saturday evenings
E) Compete with my neighbors for who has the noisier vehicle [AND win!]
F) After blowing away the neighbors with rocket exhaust at 106 Mozwacht Street, I can buy their land for a place to park my space shuttle instead of leaving it on the street disguised as an RV
G) By owning 102, 104, and then 106 Mozwacht it would allow me to have a mathematically averaged street address of 104 Mozwacht, the original homestead.
H) Ponies!
I) Bunnies!
J) Kitties! (Oh, sorry, that should have been Lions, Tigers and Bears)
K) Rescue damsels in distress
L) Start a tree trimming business. Again rocket exhaust, only this time selectively well positioned eXtremely short bursts.

Response from Niece: I think it's safe to speak for everyone and we are glad you didn't end up with a space shuttle ;)

Response to Niece: B-b-b,but [first name goes here], I was gonna leave it to YOU in my will

&^(

Update: M) Start an eXclusive bed and breakfast (this idea came from another friend who suggested that people would want to spend the night in the shuttle and I like it really well -> $$$$)

&^)

Presidential Sculpture Swapping

I decided to write something different for a change. Actually, it's about change: swapping presidential sculptures

I stopped by our retail store in the middle of several errands. The clerk mentioned that she was close to running out of pennies. So I told her I would get some at the bank.

But several minutes later after I had paid for my coffee at the convenience store AND after I had been to the bank I saw the "penny exchange bucket" by the cash register. It jogged my memory about the penny request from my clerk. There were exactly five pennies in the little bucket, and I had a nickel in my hand, so I swapped them. I thought, "five pennies are better than none".

Suddenly the tall C-store clerk sternly demanded to know what I was doing. I told her I had swapped the pennies for a nickel, and I pointed to the single coin in the bucket. She exclaimed, "those pennies are for our customers!"

I thought it was incredulous that someone, a grown adult especially, would be so concerned over something that people in our society THROW AWAY on a regular basis. And I had exchanged them for exact value, I hadn't stole anything. I simply said a single statement, "sorry" - AND - left with my pennies.

After leaving the C-store I suddenly realized on my walk back to my truck that technically the pennies really aren't the property of the C-store, they are a simple exchange mechanism performed by the masses of customers on a good will basis. Those pennies are actually owned by no one!

After I drove a couple blocks, and only after I had taken at least two drinks of the coffee, I suddenly cracked up laughing while looking at the cup of coffee in my hand that I had PURCHASED at the C-store - realizing I was one of the "OUR" cUstOmeRs !

A Door Able In Security

I went to sign a paper yesterday on the 3rd floor of a bank building. It was at a business separate from the bank that occupies the first floor. But I had momentary trouble getting inside. The middle pair of the outside front doors of the set of four were locked. So I tried the left most door. Unlocked, fine, I was able to enter the building. There is another inner set of four locked doors to the bank lobby. Eight doors total, with an open foyer between the outer four and inner four.

A Visual:
[all four outer GLASS][ doors, locked or ][unlocked, open to][ the exact same foyer]

I was curious about why some of the outer doors were locked.

I knocked on the locked inner doors (it was late enough in the afternoon for the bank lobby to be closed) and a bank employee came over to talk to me. I asked why the middle doors of the 4 outside doors were locked. She told me they were for bank customers, and the bank lobby was closed, and that the left outer door was for the businesses on the 2nd and 3rd floors. I asked her if she thought this situation was funny. She said "no".

So The Weak Can No

There are billboards in Amarillo TX USA announcing the return of Jesus on May 21st, 2011. There is a website at WeCanKnow(DOT)com for the organization. I saw they also have trucks wandering around with messages on the sides. There is a way to make donations. The organization is ran by an 89 year old civil engineer.

((( 89 years? ... thinkthinkthink ... clickclickclick ... hmmm, that would be about 4.4 percent of Jesus' current age. I know several people who are about 4 percent of my age. )))

Of course he also has a previous book published in 1992 titled "1994?" that accurately predicted Sept 6th, 1994 for the same return.

I checked to see if there are any birthdays (dates we can actually know with some certainty) of some famous people that occurred on May 21st. I found:

• Jeffrey Dahmer (serial killer)
  
• Mr T. (actor - real name Laurence Tureaud)
  
• Al Franken (comedic writer and junior senator from Minnesota)
  
• Raymond Burr (actor from Perry Mason and Ironsides)
  

I predict that these birthdays are probably correct.

The other strange thing I saw this morning was a stuffed animal with a smile across the room from me at a place of business downtown (not ours). I couldn't tell what it was at first, then on closer inspection I saw that it was a white sheep with fake pink bunny ears.  Then later I discovered that Sheepbunny is animatronic - if you press the ON/OFF switch hidden inside it's left foot it will dance and sing the "Easter Parade" song. A sure sign of the end times.

The Why Intercept of Stupidity

My friend mentioned: Now days, no-one remembers when they were young and stupid......

My Question: I've tried to maintain an exact level of stupidity so that would make age a linear factor, and it would plot as a straight line, so do I just look for the Y-intercept?

My friend answered, "Yes."

A Flock of Aflac Flak

My choice for the new Aflac Duck voice, if it can't be me: Ben Stein

‎"Bueller? .. Bueller? .. Bueller?"

When I said the B?B?B? line just now with Ben's voice it activated the launch sequence of the once peaceful snoozing pup, now wanting to go outside to play.

&^)

Don't worry Aflac management, I would never make bad jokes about the Japanese people when they were in crisis mode, I'm smarter and nicer than G.G.

Go Ahead and Trademark Everything

I think I will trademark the phrase "I'm Glad I'm Not Charlie Sheen"

I should slap it on a T-shirt and have the words circling a drain with the very first part of the sentence just barely going over the edge .. s^wir\, s_wirl ... .. .

On the back side I could put "Charlie lost his teleBision show and now all I've got is this lousy T-shirt"

If I could think of a creative way to do it, I would put two and a half sleeves on the shirt.

Or maybe just:

"Wining & Whining!"

Sneaky Leaky Happiness

Happiness sometimes abounds
at just beyond our boundaries,
but its sound is found to be sneaky
and must leak back around with ease.

Poetry Link: The Next Poem in My Blog